My step daughter is a spoiled brat

[Frankieat3427]

I have been married to my husband for six months but with him for about 6.5 years. His girls are manipulative, controlling and spoiled brats. They scream at their father right in front of me and when I tell them their behavior is not appropriate they start screaming at me. There are many inappropriate examples (which I’m not going to get into on this thread for the purpose of time) of these girls ruining holidays by their screaming and abusive behavior. According to my husband his ex wife ruined every holiday with her constant screaming so I understand the girl’s behavior is learned from their mom (he has 3 daughters and I have seen them all behave this way more often than not and a lot worse than what I’m describing below.)

Most recently the 17 year old daughter was supposed to go out to her brothers birthday dinner. This boy is an adult special needs 28 year old. He is schizophrenic. He lives with us full time and literally sits in the chair starring at the wall due to being heavily medicated. He doesn’t leave the house other than for special occasions. The daughter didn’t want to go to her brothers birthday dinner. When she got into the car she started screaming at her dad that she told him she didn’t want to go and he told her she didn’t have to go to the birthday dinner, she seemed oblivious to the fact that the words coming out of her mouth might be hurtful to the birthday boy that she was sitting right next to in the car. Even though her dad told her to be quiet she kept screaming even though she was sitting right next to her brother. Both her dad and I were shocked at her lack of awareness that what was coming out of her mouth was incredibly hurtful. After about 5 minutes of her screaming I interfered because I felt so bad for her brother and I wanted it to stop. I merely said “Amy it’s your brothers birthday you need to stop” or something like that. At which point she said I was a cunt.

After the incident she left the car and went to her mom’s for about 4 weeks. She never apologized to her dad, her brother, nor me. While the father has a very permissive parenting style and does not demand respect from his daughters I do not have this parenting style and if my sons ever spoke to an adult this way I would punish them by being grounded, etc. Luckily my boys are very well behaved and would not consider this type of behavior.

During this month of his daughter being at her mom’s I spoke to many other women that told me they would slap anyone that called them this name and that I should ignore her unless she apologizes. I have decided that this girl owes me an apology. Her dad has told me already that she probably won’t apologize to me as she hasn’t even apologized to him. I really hate his parenting style as his daughters behave like terrorists.

Last night I told my husband that if she doesn’t apologize by her high school graduation in three months that I was going to tell her mother of her behavior (even though the mom probably behaves this was herself). He told me if I did this then our marriage was over and we would get divorced. As a mom If my boys behaved this way I would want to know. Needless to say with this threat that my husband made he and I are not talking now. The step daughters have never accepted me not because of anything with me but because they have never liked any woman their father has been with. These girls have a preoccupation with what they will inherit when their father dies. He is very wealthy and unfortunately he talks about when he dies quite a bit (even though he is only 57 and has family genes that will have him living into his 90’s). When the 17 year old was 12 I remember her asking her father “who gets the boat when you’re gone?” I find this absolutely disgusting. But I digress...

How do I handle this with this daughter? I want an apology and feel like since I was protecting a special needs person that her behavior warrants one. Aside from that, it’s pretty hard to not get involved when you’re in a confined space (a car) and one person is screaming non stop.

My sis has already advised me that her mom probably won’t care so it doesn’t solve anything for me to talk to her mom about her daughters behavior. After all these girls are brats because of both parents parenting style.

I’m Interested in how others would handle this.

That is what I meant. 1/5 to each girl and the son's 1/5 to a trust for him. That's 4/5 of the estate. 1/5 to you as life estate/lifetime trust.

The house could be granted to you as life interest. Meaning you have the right to live in it until you die, but after that it reverts to the estate (ie to his surviving children). Again, your children have no interest in this. If they should be living there when you die, they would have to leave.

In my aunt's case, both she and her 2nd husband had homes so each had a life estate in the other's home (his was a nice place in Arrowhead used during the summer). And they both had the money to maintain the homes as one is required under life estate to keep the property in 'good order'. In some situations, money is also left in trust for the maintenance of the home if if the surviving spouse doesn't have sufficient income to do that. It can get pretty complicated!

As far as SSI, it's 'federal money' first. But each state can choose to add to it and have SSA administer it (called state supplementation), or to provide additional benefits at the state level. Calif is a 'state supplement state', so chances are that your DSS is getting a combination of federal and state money. It all depends on his 'living arrangement' category.

No, I'm not an estate planning attorney. I'm a retired fed who happened to be involved in a lot of 'different' and 'interesting' situations, plus having family and friends who are involved in estate planning. My aunt and my mum were very close so I was also intimately involved (as in we all talked about it a lot) in how she and her 2nd husband set up their prenup and estates.

Personally, as far as jewelry is concerned, I'd get it out of the house. My aunt had a very expensive tennis bracelet that had previously belonged to her DH's late wife. It was agreed when they married that she should have 'use' of it, but that when he died it would go to his daughters right away as it had belonged to their mother. He also bought Auntie some very nice pieces which were hers to keep. When he died she gave the bracelet to his eldest daughter as agreed, but shortly after his death she noticed that one particular piece he had bought her was 'missing' and she expects that one of his daughter's took it. They did used to mention whenever he bought her a piece "Oh that's a nice XX that my dad bought you!". It wasn't extremely valuable, but for Auntie it was devastating to think that one of her step daughter's would steal from her. I'd put your jewelry in a safety deposit box and have the co-signer on that box be someone other than your DH. The thing you have to realize is that your DH cannot be relied on to do right by you or your children because his DD's control him,

Acrossthepond55- Thank you for all your input.

Morality1N1- yes of course I’ve stayed with him for two reasons - we have a very good stable relationship (when his girls are not around) and to be frank it is nice to be with a man that is financially secure. His financial security is obviously not the only reason though. If he didn’t generally treat me nice and be respectful I wouldn’t be with him regardless,

But you knew about this extremely dysfunctional behaviour before you married him?

There are a lot of nice, respectful men out there, so maybe the money tipped you?

It makes no sense that you'd knowingly marry into this hell.

Bloody hell why did you marry him with all that baggage? I'd
Be heading out the door

This is such a load of bollocks. People in South Cali don’t speak like this. It’s like the most politically correct place on the planet! Hell, you’d get run off my NY street for talking like this too!

Frankie, my way to deal with the daughter would be every time she starts screaming, walk off. You don't have to stand and listen to it. You could add you're more than happy to discuss whatever the issue is when she is able to converse normally, then turn around and walk out. It's no fun shouting at no-one and once she stops getting a reaction, her approach will change.

You need to back off. How he parents his daughter is his problem.

You can’t demand an apology; that is childish. Is that the problem here? You need to be the bigger person, she is only seventeen.

If she makes your life fucking hell YOU threaten to leave.

It sounds like the daughter is traumatised and she is probably jealous of her brother who gets special treatment for being a ‘special needs’ person as you so kindly refer to him. Has she ever had any support to understand his condition? There are groups for young people in her situation she could go to.

I doubt very much a 12 year old is after her dads’ money or knows what she was saying.

Sorry I mean 'special needs person'

Tatiana I'm talking about him not making provision for his son.

Can’t you both see this is part of the same picture. This man is not head in sand/in denial about his finances - he has actually planned them very carefully - just in a way that makes no sense to either of you.
It only makes sense if you accept he’s a arsehole.

He has planned, clearly long term - as open discussion with his offspring over a long period indicates, that all his estate is divided between his daughters. His son inherits nothing. His wife inherits nothing. He has even ring-fenced cars and future properties in his name only.

He will not support his son financially while he’s alive, and he will not do so after his death.

This is not a mistake. This is his intention.

There is no discussion that either of you can have on here or in real life that will change this. It’s not OP’s money and he doesn’t care what she says.

I would dump the whole sorry bunch of them!
Grab the money and run!

Having spent many years in OC (that’s “OC” not “The” OC) this sounds a lot more like someone who’s watched a lot of TV set there than ever actually been there.

8HoldMeCloserTonyDanza What does this mean?

Having spent many years in OC (that’s “OC” not “The” OC) this sounds a lot more like someone who’s watched a lot of TV set there than ever actually been there

What is OC?

TatianaLariana- I’m sorry but you are mistaken. I was privy to his planning at the time. He procrastinated for ever and the only reason why he got something done was because his oldest daughter has been bugging him to establish one out of concern that his ex wife OR me would end up with it. He thought it was better to have something in place than nothing, (with the idea it can be changed later) and I do agree, except in regard to dealing with the son. As an example of him sticking his head in the sand, his ex wife remains as the beneficiary on his life insurance policy, and you’ll have to trust me when I state that he absolutely hates this woman and does not want her to get a dime more of what he views as “his money”.

So he managed to galvanise himself enough to ensure you were not a beneficiary by default. And to ensure you are not registered on his cars or any new property of course.

But this is all accidental.

I totally agree, I'm in same situation and would love to get out.