My step daughter is a spoiled brat

[Frankieat3427]

I have been married to my husband for six months but with him for about 6.5 years. His girls are manipulative, controlling and spoiled brats. They scream at their father right in front of me and when I tell them their behavior is not appropriate they start screaming at me. There are many inappropriate examples (which I’m not going to get into on this thread for the purpose of time) of these girls ruining holidays by their screaming and abusive behavior. According to my husband his ex wife ruined every holiday with her constant screaming so I understand the girl’s behavior is learned from their mom (he has 3 daughters and I have seen them all behave this way more often than not and a lot worse than what I’m describing below.)

Most recently the 17 year old daughter was supposed to go out to her brothers birthday dinner. This boy is an adult special needs 28 year old. He is schizophrenic. He lives with us full time and literally sits in the chair starring at the wall due to being heavily medicated. He doesn’t leave the house other than for special occasions. The daughter didn’t want to go to her brothers birthday dinner. When she got into the car she started screaming at her dad that she told him she didn’t want to go and he told her she didn’t have to go to the birthday dinner, she seemed oblivious to the fact that the words coming out of her mouth might be hurtful to the birthday boy that she was sitting right next to in the car. Even though her dad told her to be quiet she kept screaming even though she was sitting right next to her brother. Both her dad and I were shocked at her lack of awareness that what was coming out of her mouth was incredibly hurtful. After about 5 minutes of her screaming I interfered because I felt so bad for her brother and I wanted it to stop. I merely said “Amy it’s your brothers birthday you need to stop” or something like that. At which point she said I was a cunt.

After the incident she left the car and went to her mom’s for about 4 weeks. She never apologized to her dad, her brother, nor me. While the father has a very permissive parenting style and does not demand respect from his daughters I do not have this parenting style and if my sons ever spoke to an adult this way I would punish them by being grounded, etc. Luckily my boys are very well behaved and would not consider this type of behavior.

During this month of his daughter being at her mom’s I spoke to many other women that told me they would slap anyone that called them this name and that I should ignore her unless she apologizes. I have decided that this girl owes me an apology. Her dad has told me already that she probably won’t apologize to me as she hasn’t even apologized to him. I really hate his parenting style as his daughters behave like terrorists.

Last night I told my husband that if she doesn’t apologize by her high school graduation in three months that I was going to tell her mother of her behavior (even though the mom probably behaves this was herself). He told me if I did this then our marriage was over and we would get divorced. As a mom If my boys behaved this way I would want to know. Needless to say with this threat that my husband made he and I are not talking now. The step daughters have never accepted me not because of anything with me but because they have never liked any woman their father has been with. These girls have a preoccupation with what they will inherit when their father dies. He is very wealthy and unfortunately he talks about when he dies quite a bit (even though he is only 57 and has family genes that will have him living into his 90’s). When the 17 year old was 12 I remember her asking her father “who gets the boat when you’re gone?” I find this absolutely disgusting. But I digress...

How do I handle this with this daughter? I want an apology and feel like since I was protecting a special needs person that her behavior warrants one. Aside from that, it’s pretty hard to not get involved when you’re in a confined space (a car) and one person is screaming non stop.

My sis has already advised me that her mom probably won’t care so it doesn’t solve anything for me to talk to her mom about her daughters behavior. After all these girls are brats because of both parents parenting style.

I’m Interested in how others would handle this.

Do you mean screaming or shouting. Screaming isn't generally words, it's just a high pitched noise.

But yeah, your problem is your DH so either suck it up or leave.

Fairenuff- I guess I mean shouting then.

Your dh does not treat you well if he lets his daughters abuse you.

I get that you're in it for the money but you would probably be entitled to some of it if you leave. Check with a solicitor.

Been in a similar position with older step kids and I couldn’t cope so I divorced dh, I also had a step son with schizophrenia and 2 other step kids, I’m still in contact with them but not involved in the drama. I kept thinking things would get better as they got older but they didn’t.

Sounds like your step children are adults and one almost adult, old enough to show some respect and your dh should be standing up to them when they tal to you or him like shit.

OP you were with him for almost 6 years before you married him. Surely that is enough time for you to see that you are both incompatible? I simply could not be with a man who had so little respect for himself and so little for his wife. I could not be with a man one day and see that type of behaviour and be ok with it, let alone 6 years. Surely one week of the relationship should have told you all you needed to know that you had no future with him and were incompatible? His daughters will be in your life now, forever. Why would you be with a man like this for 6 years, and even go to the extent of marrying him? The only way you can escape this dysfunctional family you have married into, is divorce. If you can't, you need to do like you do, stand up for yourself. But that even is getting you nowhere, and something as simple as speaking to their mother (and you are their step mother so you have a right, despite what your husband says) is something your husband is threatening divorce over. So really, you have no options except be insulted and screamed at and see your husband insulted and screamed at, and your step son insulted and screamed at, for decades to come. Again, why marry into this dysfunctional mess? I don't know what you should do, I would advise LTB, even though it is thrown around a lot on here I know. But this situation is untennable. I honestly don't see why it took you 6 years, 4 months and 3 weeks longer than necessary to see that though.

Lifebegins50- his daughters do very well in school. The middle girl though has no friends (she’s 23). I’ve seen her dress down people (outside of the family) in a very abusive way. We’ve wondered if she has a personality disorder and have come to the conclusion she probably doesn’t have a personality disorder because she can control it. She just likes to treat others horribly if she can get away with it, is very mean and very controlling. I’ve personally witnessed her return to the home after being away at college for months and start yelling at everyone in the room, individually. She singles people out, yells at them and then moves on to the next person.

Ugh, I should have used paragraphs. Sorry for the long wall of text.

Dear...i would enjoy the money and ignore said kids. Get some special ear phones that you can put in when they are shouting. Let your husband deal with them. Only speak to them when they speak to you civilly.

Suggest to your husband to get them counselling. It would affect my mental health to have listen to constant shouting and abuse. Protect your mental health!

Whatthenightbrings- I don’t understand your objection to me using the phrase special needs. What should I use?

Lauren850- no I was going to initially add that to my post but didn’t want to be too long winded. It’s just the opposite, my husbands wife cheated on him and divorced him. Apparently she (and him in retaliation) cheated on each other throughout their 25 year marriage. She remarried soon after, my sooner than we did.

Given that money seems to be no object could you move to a house that has a really great annex, or can be clearly split (wings etc) and not allow the step-children to access your area?

If you then don't agree to attend any events with them (DH could have taken all his kids out to birthday dinner without you) you really wouldn't have to see them or have anything to do with them.

Give a rest WhatTheNight. Stop finding offense where there is none.

I am offended, therefore it is offensive.
If someone uses derogatory language or wording about someone because of their disability, then yes I will challenge them. To be told to 'give it a rest' shows there is even more of a need for people to continue to challenge this casual disablism.

Is it possible to let him spend time with his children alone? So you don't have to be abused by them? I think its the only way for now.

@Frankieat3427 Sun 03-Mar-19 14:44:30
Whatthenightbrings- I don’t understand your objection to me using the phrase special needs. What should I use?

He is not a 'special needs person', he is a person who has special needs. You could also have simply called him your stepson.

DippyPippy1980- he doesn’t want me involved in parenting because the older daughter has told him and me that it is not my place to parent.

Divorce him, get as much as you can and tell the screaming banshee to fuck off and grow up.

Divorce his pathetic cowardly ass

I'd have no respect for a man like that. He has no back bone.

You are obviously staying because you don't want to give up your 'share' after the time you have put in.

You knew what you were getting into.

do the girls live with their mother, if not they should. If he is so quick to suggest a divorce I'd wonder if it was really worth the agro. Who wants to listen to some screaming self centred drama queen and stay with someone who lets them behave like this.

Someone's said it sounds like you don't like this step-daughter... Well, why would she, under the circumstances? I wouldn't like her, either, if this is how she behaves! And at 17, she's old enough to know better, on some level, no matter how spoiled she's been.

That said, your husband definitely bears a large part of the blame for this, but since you don't want to leave him, I'm not sure there's much of a choice...

You can either decide to back down on the demand for an apology (because let's be honest, the apology wouldn't be sincere, anyway), or you can push it, talk to his ex-wife, and hope that your husband doesn't carry through on his threat of divorce (but be prepared that it's guaranteed to increase friction, even if you don't split up).

Why did you marry him? He might seem okay without them around but their behaviour says a lot about who he really is. It sounds like an awful family from a novel. I'd get out, wash their dust off my feet and consider myself lucky to escape.
(However you don't actually sound that pleasant yourself with the way you write about their brother or grouping the 3 daughters as " they get better as they get older".

I’d leave. Those girls sound disgraceful.
He’s allowing them to abuse them and his son.
Get out, he’s no parent.

Abuse you *

So what first attracted you to 'very wealthy' man with nightmare daughters?

DH clearly has no interest in parenting them, the youngest will be an adult soon, I'd just lie back and think of the handbags.

Lovinglola- yes unfortunately my husband is very selfish but he for the most part treats me well. To provide you with examples of his selfishness:

I wanted to go to Venice for my 50th Birthday. He didn’t want to take me there initially because he knew his girls would be mad that they didn’t go. I told him not to make MY birthday about his girls. In the end he ended up taking me. More recently he will be purchasing two new cars for himself (total value about $350k) and will only put these cars in his name (even though we have a prenup). He also hasn’t made any provisions in his estate about the schizophrenic son. I think he should make the girls take care of their brother and if they don’t they are disinherited. He should be thinking about what happens when he’s gone to his adult son and who is going to take care of him. Given the selfishness of the entire family I see them tearing each other apart should he die prematurely. Of course he hasn’t made any provisions for his new wife in his estate plan. I should state I am a Financial Advisor and I so I work with men all the time and hear how concerned they are about what happens to their wife when they die. Unfortunately my husband doesn’t have any of these concerns. I would need to bring it up constantly for him to consider making any change to his estate plan. So needless to say, both his son and I will be screwed if he dies prematurely because he doesn’t think about either of us and in his sons case is just “hoping’ that his girls will take care of him.