My step daughter is a spoiled brat

[Frankieat3427]

I have been married to my husband for six months but with him for about 6.5 years. His girls are manipulative, controlling and spoiled brats. They scream at their father right in front of me and when I tell them their behavior is not appropriate they start screaming at me. There are many inappropriate examples (which I’m not going to get into on this thread for the purpose of time) of these girls ruining holidays by their screaming and abusive behavior. According to my husband his ex wife ruined every holiday with her constant screaming so I understand the girl’s behavior is learned from their mom (he has 3 daughters and I have seen them all behave this way more often than not and a lot worse than what I’m describing below.)

Most recently the 17 year old daughter was supposed to go out to her brothers birthday dinner. This boy is an adult special needs 28 year old. He is schizophrenic. He lives with us full time and literally sits in the chair starring at the wall due to being heavily medicated. He doesn’t leave the house other than for special occasions. The daughter didn’t want to go to her brothers birthday dinner. When she got into the car she started screaming at her dad that she told him she didn’t want to go and he told her she didn’t have to go to the birthday dinner, she seemed oblivious to the fact that the words coming out of her mouth might be hurtful to the birthday boy that she was sitting right next to in the car. Even though her dad told her to be quiet she kept screaming even though she was sitting right next to her brother. Both her dad and I were shocked at her lack of awareness that what was coming out of her mouth was incredibly hurtful. After about 5 minutes of her screaming I interfered because I felt so bad for her brother and I wanted it to stop. I merely said “Amy it’s your brothers birthday you need to stop” or something like that. At which point she said I was a cunt.

After the incident she left the car and went to her mom’s for about 4 weeks. She never apologized to her dad, her brother, nor me. While the father has a very permissive parenting style and does not demand respect from his daughters I do not have this parenting style and if my sons ever spoke to an adult this way I would punish them by being grounded, etc. Luckily my boys are very well behaved and would not consider this type of behavior.

During this month of his daughter being at her mom’s I spoke to many other women that told me they would slap anyone that called them this name and that I should ignore her unless she apologizes. I have decided that this girl owes me an apology. Her dad has told me already that she probably won’t apologize to me as she hasn’t even apologized to him. I really hate his parenting style as his daughters behave like terrorists.

Last night I told my husband that if she doesn’t apologize by her high school graduation in three months that I was going to tell her mother of her behavior (even though the mom probably behaves this was herself). He told me if I did this then our marriage was over and we would get divorced. As a mom If my boys behaved this way I would want to know. Needless to say with this threat that my husband made he and I are not talking now. The step daughters have never accepted me not because of anything with me but because they have never liked any woman their father has been with. These girls have a preoccupation with what they will inherit when their father dies. He is very wealthy and unfortunately he talks about when he dies quite a bit (even though he is only 57 and has family genes that will have him living into his 90’s). When the 17 year old was 12 I remember her asking her father “who gets the boat when you’re gone?” I find this absolutely disgusting. But I digress...

How do I handle this with this daughter? I want an apology and feel like since I was protecting a special needs person that her behavior warrants one. Aside from that, it’s pretty hard to not get involved when you’re in a confined space (a car) and one person is screaming non stop.

My sis has already advised me that her mom probably won’t care so it doesn’t solve anything for me to talk to her mom about her daughters behavior. After all these girls are brats because of both parents parenting style.

I’m Interested in how others would handle this.

I too would detach. But I would tell my dh the only reason I would ever physically lay hands on his daughters is if they have assaulted me , and if he calls the police I will have his daughters charged for assault and press for charges, because they would not behave that way if he were a better parent.
I wouldn’t honestly be in this marriage.

Can't he put enough money in trust to take care of his son after he's gone? The sisters aren't going to help him out!

If I were you I'd be squirrelling away as much cash as I could for the future.

Madcatladyforever- Thank you for your reply

Timeisnotaline- Good point on if he calls the police- but what you don’t realize is that if that ever occurred even if his daughter assaulted me first that he would lie and stand behind his daughter. I hate to admit it but true.

should my sons be included

No, they have two parents of their own and will inherit from them.

I think you need to forget about including yourself in the estate plan.
He won't even take care of his own son let alone yours. You're not going to be together long enough for it be an issue anyway.

Do think your husband has become concerned you are too interested in his estate planning?

Dippypippy1980-
I’m sorry but you didn’t read all the posts. My main concern is not his estate plan at all. And no I have not made provisions for him in my will, primarily because he does not need it, but also because it wouldn’t occur to him to provide for me better in his estate plan. I don’t focus on his estate plan at all. I am saving everything I can in case this relationship doesn’t work out. The mentioning of the estate plan is an example of how he doesn’t look out for my best interests (nor his sons) as most men do, especially with a new wife. I’m a Financial Advisor so I’m used to talking with men about these things as most seem genuinely concerned and want to provide for their wife. It’s an example of his complete selfishness and lack of caring about things that don’t involve computers (for example) and his immediate need.

It's got to the point where you and DSD are threatening each other with physical violence. You need professional intervention (which still might not work) or to LTB, In my opinion.

Things aren't going to get better by making them even more hostile (ignoring one another, etc). You need someone whose job it is to bring people together to have some mutual respect and understanding.

Let's face it, your DH has no interest in facilitating that.

Flossyteqcakesfurcoat18- yes he can and should provide for his son but he hasn’t done that yet. As shocking as it might sound. I think most on this thread would make sure their son was provided for, yet he hasn’t made those provisions and is just hoping these selfish girls will take care of him.

I save all of my income just in case.

Shambu- Thank you Shambu-

Dippypippy1980- If that’s what he believes he’s really wrong because it’s not a focus in my life. I’m just disappointed at his lack of awareness that maybe his new wife would like the security (as most women want) without having to ask to be included. It’s hurtful to be frank with you, his obliviousness or lack of caring, whichever it is.

Dirtybadger- I hear you. I really don’t think it would make a difference because her dad probably wouldn’t go to therapy I actually don’t want to give her the attention either. The father and the mother created this mess. I have nothing to do with their creation.

It strikes me that your view on gender roles is coming across as very traditional.

You haven’t made provision for him because he doesn’t need it. But surely if you have a career as a financial advisor, you don’t need his money either? You just want it?

I thought I had read your posts, but may have missed something so sorry if I am off base.

I think you deserve better than this relationship. You dislike his children, and you are losing respect for him. You want him to look after you (emotionally and financially) but he won’t.

You will waste countless years being frustrated and let down by this man, and being surrounded by ridiculous drama. I would suggest you walk. Or learn to accept his shortcomings.

It strikes me that your view on gender roles is coming across as very traditional.

This is Southern California where men are men and women have implants.

Just read your thread OP, it seems to me in all this discussion of dysfunctional daughters and estate planning the most important people in your life don’t get much of a lookin: your sons. How do they fare in all this?

They were pretty clear this attempt at the Brady Bunch was doomed to fail given the girls hatred of you. I wonder how they feel about being lumbered with this toxic family through no fault of their own. How they view this woeful male role model imposed upon them?

You would be very lucky if this mash up does not majorly impact your relationship with your boys long term. Have you talked to them about it all? Personally my focus would be on making it up to them. Making the most of the time left before they leave for college and move on.

Forget about this man. He doesn’t want you to have any of his money, that much is clear.

It seems to me now that you care more about this man's money and 'estate' than providing your sons with a non toxic and peaceful home with you. You are teaching them that money us more important than peace of mind.

You have been able to save most ilof your salary for 6 years whilst he paid for your costs. That's gaining a lot. If he doesn't want you to inherit his money then you have to accept that.

I’ll say this again, @Frankieat3427 - it is your husband’s duty to leave provision in his will for his son to be cared for. It is emotional blackmail to demand that your stepdaughters “take care of” their brother or they will be disinherited.

Your Husband is emotionally neglectful. You know this yet you continue to blame his children for their behaviour which sounds to me like a direct result of shitty parenting and throwing money at children in the hope that it makes up for unconditional love and actually being bothered to be a parent.

Not only that but IIRC you blamed the child in a previous relationship too?

You “love” your husband but you don’t like him. He sounds like a neglectful lazy parent. He doesn’t defend you because he can’t be arsed to deal with his children.

You asked how others would handle this? Simple. Divorce this “man”. No point asking for advice on how to deal with your step children (who I feel more and more sorry for every time you post); you know who’s to blame for their behaviour but it seems your wealthy lifestyle with your husband is more important to you than your self respect. Things will only change if you divorce him.

I guess that is your trade of then frankie
I guess I view relationships as work. No relationship is stress or conflict free.
To see a relationship as a transaction is just a wee bit sad. I appreciate though that that level of financial security and lifestyle must be quite hard to give up. Your boys though are seeing this taking it all in.
You can’t blame the children for breaking up marriages, it’s parents dealing with there child’s trauma and worry like it doesn’t matter that causes the damage.
All the best

Just correcting one little common misconception, Frankie. SSI does NOT come out of the SS trust funds. It comes out of general tax revenues. The program is administered by SSA, but is not a part of SS itself. So the FICA tax your DH has paid has nothing to do with the SSI his son is receiving. If your DH is getting SSA, there may be something payable to his son on that, depending on certain factors. Feel free to PM me if you want more info.

There's really nothing you can do to make him review his estate planning. And his estate planner will not discuss it with you, that would be a violation of privacy law. You can ask your DH how things are settled now to try and get an understanding and make suggestions, but that's about it. All you can do is do your own estate planning and make sure you have everything tied up right and tight for your own sons. And no, I don't think your DH should include your sons in his estate planning, he isn't their father. If he wishes to leave them a legacy, fine, but his estate in main should go to his children, and you depending on the prenup. That's why it's important that YOUR will stipulate that everything (if anything) you have and/or may inherit from your current DH goes to your sons. I do hope you have an up to date will. AND that you appoint an executor who is not your husband. He's too easily manipulated by his DDs.

Do you know how your DH's estate is settled? If he's leaving you a lump sum is it 'yours in cash no strings' or will it be held in trust with you getting the interest off it as a life estate? If the former, you can will that to your sons. If the latter, then the principle reverts to the estate upon your death and (I assume) thence to his DDs. You cannot will a 'life estate/life interest'.

TBH, I find it incomprehensible that a man as wealthy as your DH appears to be should be so laissez-faire and head-in-the-sand about his own finances! I hate to suggest it, but do you think it's really that, or just that he doesn't want you to be 'in the know' about how things are and how they will go after his death?

Although DH and I had a friend who was a 4th generation cattle rancher up in No Calif and he was that way. He was pretty 'countrified' and couldn't be bothered with estate planning, to the everlasting exasperation of his children. When he passed, his estate and the family ranch were in such a tangle that it took 5 years for them to straighten it out!

TBH, I find it incomprehensible that a man as wealthy as your DH appears to be should be so laissez-faire and head-in-the-sand about his own finances!

Is he? I don’t think he is - he’s left his money how he wants it to be left - ie to his children. He’s planned it very carefully: prenup, inheritance > kids, property and cars in his name alone. He’s been very careful to make sure that the amount OP receives from his is very limited.

OP then claims he’s in denial - I don’t think he is - it is she who is in denial.

If you were to ask me how I'd do my estate if I were your DH, it would be as follows, based on his having 4 children and you. You probably aren't going to like it but here goes:

1/5 share to each adult DD, free and clear.
1/5 share to DS in a special needs trust with a non-relative trustee
1/5 to you in a life estate with the interest for your use, but the principle reverting to his 4 children in equal shares upon your death.

This is actually the estate planning for my aunt and her second husband, both of whom had substantial wealth.

The thing is, if he leaves money 'free and clear' to you, it will be inherited by YOUR children upon your death. His money should go to his children, just as your money should to go yours. In a 'one marriage' situation money inherited by one spouse ends up with the children when that spouse dies so it's all the same in the end (The deceased>spouse>children). When you have subsequent marriages, money that should rightfully belong to a person's children can end up getting 'diverted' away from them to a step-sibling (The deceased>spouse>spouse's children).

Tatiana I'm talking about him not making provision for his son.

acrossthepond55- I didnt know that about SSI. Does CA or the Federal Government pay for that? He doesn’t receive SSA yet.

You seem very knowledgeable about estate planning. Are you an estate planning attorney? I believe that I will keep the house outright and it is not a life estate but I will double check now that you mention that. I hadn’t considered that before.

I too find it very disturbing about his behavior. I actually have seen the estate plan. I don’t know how to answer your question. As I’ve stated he has talked excessively about his money, taxes, estate to his children so much so that I was appalled when his 12 year old asked who was going to get the boat. I was so taken back by her question I asked my boys at the time if they think about what they’re going to get when I’m gone, and the response was no, “but now that I brought it up they were curious”.

I have appointed my brother-in-law to be custodian of my sons trusts. Intially my main concern was my boy’s father dipping in their assets. I do have a concern that my husband’s girls will randsack through my jewelry. I have taken a photo of everything I have along with a summary and asset values. I have it in a filing cabinet in our office. Perhaps I should have it in a safety deposit box. Now that you’re talking about the estate plan I’ve noticed that since we got married my hubby isn’t giving me jewelry any more. He asked me if I was giving it to his daughters at my death and I told him no. So maybe that is why. He thought it would come back to his girls. If true that’s pretty disturbing. I guess time will tell since we’ve only been married for six months.

MashedSpud

Acrossthepond55- And what about the house? Is that included in the life estate?
Why 1/5? He has 3 girls, one adult son. If he’s creating a special needs trust shouldn’t his sons 1/5 be included exclusively to the trust? Perhaps that’s what you meant.