My step daughter is a spoiled brat

[Frankieat3427]

I have been married to my husband for six months but with him for about 6.5 years. His girls are manipulative, controlling and spoiled brats. They scream at their father right in front of me and when I tell them their behavior is not appropriate they start screaming at me. There are many inappropriate examples (which I’m not going to get into on this thread for the purpose of time) of these girls ruining holidays by their screaming and abusive behavior. According to my husband his ex wife ruined every holiday with her constant screaming so I understand the girl’s behavior is learned from their mom (he has 3 daughters and I have seen them all behave this way more often than not and a lot worse than what I’m describing below.)

Most recently the 17 year old daughter was supposed to go out to her brothers birthday dinner. This boy is an adult special needs 28 year old. He is schizophrenic. He lives with us full time and literally sits in the chair starring at the wall due to being heavily medicated. He doesn’t leave the house other than for special occasions. The daughter didn’t want to go to her brothers birthday dinner. When she got into the car she started screaming at her dad that she told him she didn’t want to go and he told her she didn’t have to go to the birthday dinner, she seemed oblivious to the fact that the words coming out of her mouth might be hurtful to the birthday boy that she was sitting right next to in the car. Even though her dad told her to be quiet she kept screaming even though she was sitting right next to her brother. Both her dad and I were shocked at her lack of awareness that what was coming out of her mouth was incredibly hurtful. After about 5 minutes of her screaming I interfered because I felt so bad for her brother and I wanted it to stop. I merely said “Amy it’s your brothers birthday you need to stop” or something like that. At which point she said I was a cunt.

After the incident she left the car and went to her mom’s for about 4 weeks. She never apologized to her dad, her brother, nor me. While the father has a very permissive parenting style and does not demand respect from his daughters I do not have this parenting style and if my sons ever spoke to an adult this way I would punish them by being grounded, etc. Luckily my boys are very well behaved and would not consider this type of behavior.

During this month of his daughter being at her mom’s I spoke to many other women that told me they would slap anyone that called them this name and that I should ignore her unless she apologizes. I have decided that this girl owes me an apology. Her dad has told me already that she probably won’t apologize to me as she hasn’t even apologized to him. I really hate his parenting style as his daughters behave like terrorists.

Last night I told my husband that if she doesn’t apologize by her high school graduation in three months that I was going to tell her mother of her behavior (even though the mom probably behaves this was herself). He told me if I did this then our marriage was over and we would get divorced. As a mom If my boys behaved this way I would want to know. Needless to say with this threat that my husband made he and I are not talking now. The step daughters have never accepted me not because of anything with me but because they have never liked any woman their father has been with. These girls have a preoccupation with what they will inherit when their father dies. He is very wealthy and unfortunately he talks about when he dies quite a bit (even though he is only 57 and has family genes that will have him living into his 90’s). When the 17 year old was 12 I remember her asking her father “who gets the boat when you’re gone?” I find this absolutely disgusting. But I digress...

How do I handle this with this daughter? I want an apology and feel like since I was protecting a special needs person that her behavior warrants one. Aside from that, it’s pretty hard to not get involved when you’re in a confined space (a car) and one person is screaming non stop.

My sis has already advised me that her mom probably won’t care so it doesn’t solve anything for me to talk to her mom about her daughters behavior. After all these girls are brats because of both parents parenting style.

I’m Interested in how others would handle this.

Acrossthepond55- Thank you for your reply. I actually have a very healthy income and am squirreling everything away I can. Unfortunately my last divorce put me back quite a bit. I try not to focus on his estate (although as I’ve mentioned it’s hurtful that he hasn’t figured it out on his own). I focus on what I can focus on, being self-sufficient so that if this marriage blows up in the meantime I have saved a nice nest egg, I can control the future. All I can do is plan for now.

We both had our own EP attorneys represent us. I pleaded with my hubby not to divulge our prenups to his kids as a way to protect me, but since the 17 year old listens to our conversations while we’re in our master bedroom I’m sure the entire family know there is a prenup. My thought was if they thought there was a prenup they would try to get rid of me more so they would be guaranteeed to inherit 100% of the estate.

Even though he is very wealthy his son receives SSI. You can’t give his son any money otherwise he would be begging people to get him alcohol and cigarettes.

Sometimes my son witness it. Other times fortunately they aren’t.

Attiliathemerkat- I don’t disagree with anything you said. In regard to the comment about who needs those cars- a selfish, successful man who likes to show off his wealth through his possessions.

Regarding his son, I agree, being in my profession I see a huge problem should he die prematurely. He needs to deal with it head on but most likely won’t.

Hanab- Thank you for your reply.

Is the prenup enforceable like askmichael said?

The problem is, we don't understand US law! Sounds ridiculously unfair.

Could you sit him down and say you need to sort out your future and his DC's future. (I don't know, but you sound a bit younger than him?)

IE provision is made for the son, always.

You get to inherit and manage this frigging boat in the meantime with the proviso that you leave all to be split between ALL children on your death?

Is there a way to do this in the US?

I am so glad you are independently wealthy

Suzy2b- Thank you for your reply

He sees you as the hired help and it's disgusting the lack of provision for his sons.
He obviously thinks that money can buy his daughters affections.
I wonder hat provision his ex had out of his estate.
If you divorce him you might get something for your trouble.

Katy78- Thank you

Wendycope- Thank you for the reply. At this point I would get the house and living expenses for two years. Even though I told him I didn’t want the yacht he probably hasn’t revised his will and I would get something I can’t use by myself and is impossible to sell.

frankie this whole situation is so so sad.
Those girls are clearly really damaged and even though she sounds awful the 17 year old is still a wee girl who’s emotional needs have never been met. She gets the attention she craves from acting out. My heart breaks for how lonely and empty she must feel. Find some compassion for these girls who sound like no one ever really cared for them except financially.
Schizophrenia need not mean someone cannot have a fulfilling life. Does not mean he needs to stare at walls. I’m aghast and horrified that all the money this man has he does not have proper care and support in place for his boy. Who could be living a good life albeit on medication.
You say your DH avoids confrontation but really all this reads like a human being who really doesn’t give a fuck. It serves his purpose to have a nice woman at home to massage his ego, humour him and have the sex but clearly he gives no fucks for YOU if it’s not in relation to making him feel good. Are you not worth more? Are your children not deserving of a home free of this toxicity.

Wendycope- the prenup is enforeable. I can sit down with him but like I said it will take constant nagging for him to take any action on it to change his will. He doesn’t automatically think of others (like no duh this is why he has such selfish offspring) so revising his estate plan will have to come 100% from me.

Romanyqueen1- no I wouldn’t get anything. That’s what a prenup is. He gets to keep everything prior to marriage and I can’t count on receiving anything.

Blarblarblar- I understand what you’re saying about the girls. But as I’m sure the 23 year is finding out nobody wants to be around somebody like that. I tried to talking to their dad that he wasn’t doing them any favors as nobody will tolerate their abusiveness, but he never wanted to deal with it, so here we are.

I’ve also tried to get him to do things with his son. Take him places so he has a place to go and can become more independent if something happens to his dad. I attempted this for two years and it went on deaf ears. I am horrified because as a mother I would certainly be dealing with what I was going to be doing with my son. There have even been times that I’ve been completely shocked when I pick up food for his son and he doesn’t think of getting take out for his son. I think my husband spends his time playing tennis (he’s only 7 years older than me) and who knows what else. He admits he’s bored and likes to be challanged with projects around the house. Unfortunately his son is project that is being ignored.

Time and time again women on here marry men who are terrible parents then complain that their step children are the problem

Thank you for all of the replies. I appreciate all the input and effort. Cheers! :)

frankie you seem like a nice woman who has compassion but you are making excuses for this man. Finding other reasons for his passivity.
He is refusing to protect you
He is refusing to meet his sons/daughters needs
He makes no provisions for you in fact excludes you.
I’m sure if he is a person worth millions this has not be gained without being able to manage conflict?
He just doesn’t care! He’s showing you your worth to him and you aren’t willing to see it. It’s a shame because you must be smart, capable to be wealthy independently. Why not just be independent?

So his son is getting SSI? I know his dad isn't legally required to support him, but it still rubs me the wrong way when extremely wealthy parents who can easily afford it, let their disabled children live off the taxpayer. But that's my opinion, and what he's doing certainly isn't illegal as long as he's not funneling cash to his son, and it sounds like he isn't. I guess that's why he's not making provision for him in his will, to keep him eligible for SSI? You know, he can make a 'special needs' trust for his son in his will that will not affect his son's SSI benefits. I'm sure the poor young man won't be able to rely on his sisters to see that he has what he needs!

Glad you had your own attorney for the prenup. They can be a minefield! And that you're maintaining your own income. It's always good to know that you can blow that pop stand if you have to!

As far as focusing on his estate, I'm not ashamed to admit that I would be! I'd see any inheritance I ended up with as my just deserts for putting up with his namby pamby ways and his allowing his DDs to abuse me!

You do what feels right to you as long as your sons are OK. And if or when it no longer feels right, you'll know what to do! Get the best divorce lawyer in LA!

I would leave. Nothing would make me endure that kind of hell.

Blarblarblar,

He is emotionally detached. He is this way with his children too. Yes it’s a trade off. He treats his children the same, obviously why would they behave the way they do.

As far as your comment about being independent- I do like being married. For me, I need that. My former husband had a very angry ex wife and a child that created stress on our relationship. I blame the child for our marriage blowing up. Although I was younger and more naive at the time. I also just view blended families as extremely difficult. I haven’t heard of a cohesive, stress-free one yet. Before this man I dated a widower for 2 years. Although it was a much easier situation, I knew it was more difficult for his older son that his dad was seeing me, as this older son was protective of his deceased mother. I guess I view relationships as work. No relationship is stress or conflict free.

I am just not sure what you're getting out of this and why you're inflicting it on your sons. Do you know why?

Do you love your husband, OP?

Just leave this man...nothing is worth this hassle. You can even remain friends. Believe me all this is having an effect on your sons. They don't need to be part of this toxic scenario. At least you have saved up and I'm sure you'll get 'SOMETHING ' from the divorce.

Acrossthepond55- Yes his son does get SSI. His son lives in a separate dwelling on our land. His dad periodically takes funds from his account to pay for ent, utilities, food, cigarettes, etc. His dad felt uncomfortable with it at first, but he talked to his attorney about it and since it is legal and he certainly has paid into ss, why not? I have brought up the special needs trust but again he doing the avoidance thing and for me it’s difficult to tell him that he needs to make sure his daughters take care of their brother otherwise they are disinherited. That’s what I think should happen anyway. I don’t think he is capable of putting that in an estate planning document.

Since I know it will take him a while to do anything with the estate plan, how would you advise I bring up updating his estate plan to better include me and should my sons be included? You know he won’t naturally think of revising his plan so I’ve just been waiting, mainly because of the children and what will happen if they don’t take care of their brother.

Shambu- I have a financially free life with a spouse who tries to be considerate, even though he’s emotionally detached. He doesn’t pick fights with me and we don’t argue, for the most part. Yes, I would obviously much rather have the cohesive well-blended fun loving family. I guess I’m not optimistic that the well-blended fun loving family situation even exists, to be frank with you. I’ve heard more often than not of couples not making it because of the kids.

I really don’t understand this relationship.

You seem to be an intelligent lady, yet your primary concern seems to be ensuring you are in this mans will? You have a good career, surely you are financially independent? Have you made provision for him in your will (sorry if I have missed that).

This is a dysfunctional family, and you don’t seem to hold any affections for any future them. If you are financially motivated, would you not be better divorcing him (even with the prenup you might come out better?).

Poppingoff- Yes I do love him. I just don’t like him very much any more. It was very hurtful about the safe code thing as well as his attitude about other things. I don’t believe he has my best interest at heart, which is why I am squirreling away all I can.