My step daughter is a spoiled brat

[Frankieat3427]

I have been married to my husband for six months but with him for about 6.5 years. His girls are manipulative, controlling and spoiled brats. They scream at their father right in front of me and when I tell them their behavior is not appropriate they start screaming at me. There are many inappropriate examples (which I’m not going to get into on this thread for the purpose of time) of these girls ruining holidays by their screaming and abusive behavior. According to my husband his ex wife ruined every holiday with her constant screaming so I understand the girl’s behavior is learned from their mom (he has 3 daughters and I have seen them all behave this way more often than not and a lot worse than what I’m describing below.)

Most recently the 17 year old daughter was supposed to go out to her brothers birthday dinner. This boy is an adult special needs 28 year old. He is schizophrenic. He lives with us full time and literally sits in the chair starring at the wall due to being heavily medicated. He doesn’t leave the house other than for special occasions. The daughter didn’t want to go to her brothers birthday dinner. When she got into the car she started screaming at her dad that she told him she didn’t want to go and he told her she didn’t have to go to the birthday dinner, she seemed oblivious to the fact that the words coming out of her mouth might be hurtful to the birthday boy that she was sitting right next to in the car. Even though her dad told her to be quiet she kept screaming even though she was sitting right next to her brother. Both her dad and I were shocked at her lack of awareness that what was coming out of her mouth was incredibly hurtful. After about 5 minutes of her screaming I interfered because I felt so bad for her brother and I wanted it to stop. I merely said “Amy it’s your brothers birthday you need to stop” or something like that. At which point she said I was a cunt.

After the incident she left the car and went to her mom’s for about 4 weeks. She never apologized to her dad, her brother, nor me. While the father has a very permissive parenting style and does not demand respect from his daughters I do not have this parenting style and if my sons ever spoke to an adult this way I would punish them by being grounded, etc. Luckily my boys are very well behaved and would not consider this type of behavior.

During this month of his daughter being at her mom’s I spoke to many other women that told me they would slap anyone that called them this name and that I should ignore her unless she apologizes. I have decided that this girl owes me an apology. Her dad has told me already that she probably won’t apologize to me as she hasn’t even apologized to him. I really hate his parenting style as his daughters behave like terrorists.

Last night I told my husband that if she doesn’t apologize by her high school graduation in three months that I was going to tell her mother of her behavior (even though the mom probably behaves this was herself). He told me if I did this then our marriage was over and we would get divorced. As a mom If my boys behaved this way I would want to know. Needless to say with this threat that my husband made he and I are not talking now. The step daughters have never accepted me not because of anything with me but because they have never liked any woman their father has been with. These girls have a preoccupation with what they will inherit when their father dies. He is very wealthy and unfortunately he talks about when he dies quite a bit (even though he is only 57 and has family genes that will have him living into his 90’s). When the 17 year old was 12 I remember her asking her father “who gets the boat when you’re gone?” I find this absolutely disgusting. But I digress...

How do I handle this with this daughter? I want an apology and feel like since I was protecting a special needs person that her behavior warrants one. Aside from that, it’s pretty hard to not get involved when you’re in a confined space (a car) and one person is screaming non stop.

My sis has already advised me that her mom probably won’t care so it doesn’t solve anything for me to talk to her mom about her daughters behavior. After all these girls are brats because of both parents parenting style.

I’m Interested in how others would handle this.

If there was that much drama and shouting I'd have to accept his offer to leave. It sounds awful and I wouldn't want it in my life. The children seem to trample all over both of you which is bonkers.

Shambu is utterly correct, step children disrespect step parents as the husbands do.

They get away with, and enjoy doing it.

she loves to wind you up, why are you bothering arguing back with her or threatening to slap her, just try and walk away, don't let it get to that stage. if she inherits her dads money so what, presumably all his children will inherit something, it's up to him what he puts in his Will. She is jealous that another woman has taken up her daddys time and love, she is not the centre of attention but wants to me, it sounds like she has issues to deal with and it's up to her and her own parents to seek help, not you.

Grumpleskilskin what a vile comment.

Of course her DH's loyalty is currently with his teenaged daughters, and they know it.

The OP did not 'sell her foof' (shudder) she got married to a man with DC's. She need advice.

The most mysoginist statement ever.

It sounds like your a spare part in this family and I don’t think talking to the mum will help as she’ll probably see it as nothing to do with you. I would personally leave them to it as it sounds like they are set in their ways and are not prepared to consider you.
You and your husband should be a team he would rather divorce you than support you! And whatever his parenting preferences are you should make it clear you will not tolerate being spoken to like that, you make your own boundaries!

You know what? I really couldn't be arsed. I wouldn't have been able to be arsed when they were like that prior to the marriage. Did you expect them to pack it in and play happy families after the wedding? Dh sounds like an ineffectual wet blanket, ex has shaped the girls in her image. The only one I feel sorry for is the poor brother.

Can you not ask your DH what he advises you do? And say - in a gentle way - that you're concerned the 17 y o is not doing herself any favours if she wants to get a job/find someone she wants to marry/have any friends? I would not get into any round table discussion unless there's a professional counsellor around. Do you think counselling is a possibility? Day to day I think just ignoring her would help. Ignore the bad behaviour but if she EVER does anything nice or helpful, praise her to the skies.

And as soon as you can, make sure your DH makes provision for his son. Research online what care would cost whether live in or 24 hour care in say a bungalow of his own which might go to the other children or their children when he dies.

Do you know what you would get from his estate in your prenup?

I happily stand by comment. The youngest daughter is 17 btw. But it isn't about the daughters. It is about respect and self-respect, which is in short supply. It's money, money, money and money again in every single post.

“I am offended, therefore it is offensive.
If someone uses derogatory language or wording about someone because of their disability, then yes I will challenge them. To be told to 'give it a rest' shows there is even more of a need for people to continue to challenge this casual disablism”

Nah give it a rest. I’m offended by you being offended therefore you’re offensive.

Bluesmartiesarebest- Thank you for your reply. That’s pretty much what goes on already as I found the two combined family vacations completely miserable, very expensive and a complete waste of time. They are completely detached so I am behaving in kind at this point.

Shambu- Agreed. The girls are very bright, obviously manipulative women. They understand where I lie in the pecking order.

Budgiebird- Thank you for your reply- All of these replies are good..

And that is dead last in this dysfunctional family unit. It is likely to remain that way too, these people are like pack animals. Dear old dad will pay for her expensive college tuition and if she screws that up then dad will bail her out then as well.

He like his ex wife are truly ineffectual wet blankets as parents and between them they created this dysfunctional set up.

What are you getting out of this relationship with your H now?.

OP, you mentioned having children of your own?

Do they also have to live in this toxic atmosphere? If so I dread to think how it's affecting them.

For their sake, I hope their father is the RP.

The question is, Frankie, why do you put up with it? Is the money really that important to you, more important to you than your own self-respect? Honestly, I'd rather be on my own and broke than in such a toxic and dysfunctional situation where your husband has made certain you know you are second class and most likely won't get a single penny if he dies tomorrow. I'd rather be single than stay where I am being abused and treated like shit. NO money is worth that!

Budgiebird is right.

Romanyqueen1- Thank you for your reply. I don’t disagree with you. I find their obsession with his money, absolutely sick. They don’t care about their father’s happiness and I know he has created these problems himself. He also doesn’t realize the power he has over these girls and incorrectly believes that they will turn on him and never speak to him again. We ended up eloping which turned out to be a good thing given how we knew how they would behave. Then they didn’t talk to him because they were mad. I don’t know how it could have been a shock that he was going to marry me some day, as we were together so long beforehand.

Shambu- interesting perspective- but I do believe you’re inaccurate a little bit here. He doesn’t demand respect of me because he doesn’t demand it of himself. So how could he possibly demand it of his wife? These girls also don’t respect their father by the way they treat him and scream at him.

The step daughters sound awful and so does your husband!!
Why are you with him? the way he treats you and lets them speak to you is awful.
This problem wont go away because your husband is supportive of their vile behaviour.
So either stay and put up with it or leave.

most men know the reason why their daughters don’t like their step mom. We even sat next to a couple the other day in a restaurant and he also had 3 daughters that treated his new wife like crap

bollocks! these women have husband/partner problems, i wouldnt stay with a man/woman who treated me so shabbily, he is saying you are not worth it and the longer you stay and condone this behaviour the worse it gets

Ok so the eloping didn't help. I understand why you didn't invite them and it would have been much more hassle to involve them. But I can understand why they were angry and hurt.

Wendycope- Thank you for your reply. yes in CA the last will is the one entered intestate, even if there has been a recent marriage. The only way I would inherit everything is if he revised his will to state that. There is no way he would give me everything as his daughters have made it perfectly clear to him that he is financially responsible to provide for them. For point of reference, the oldest daughter kept bugging him when I moved in (before marriage) to get a will put together. The girls have also told their father (at the very beginning) that I was just with him for the money, which is very insulting to their father. They said that about everyone he was with. He is a very easy-going, funny man and is fun to be around, aside from his horrible set of priorities and his horrible parenting style. So the girls insult their father by telling him nobody would want to be with him without his money. I remember a few years back his ex wife actually said that to the middle daughter- that she only liked her father better because he had more money.

Lunafort you have expressed my thoughts perfectly!

OP, you are really staying with a man who allows his daughter to call you such a vile name - let alone everything else he is enabling - and who has made it clear you will be left without a penny to your name if he dies before you???

WTF 😱😱😱

Are you mad?

You want to know what to do about your SDs? Nothing. There is absolutely nothing you can do about them. Your 'd'H has made it clear that they are completely off limits to you as far as correcting their behaviour or defending yourself. As far as telling their mother, do you really think she'll care? Chances are she'll be filled with glee at your discomfiture. So accept those facts.

Your only options are to either refuse to be in SD's presence in any way, shape, or form (meaning she comes, you go elsewhere until she's gone) or refuse to engage with her by referring her to her dad for everything and then allowing her to shout at her dad to her heart's content whilst you put on noise canceling headphones.

I'm in California so I know that pre-nups are legally binding. I hope you had independent legal counsel before you signed yours. And BTW, if you didn't have legal counsel or his lawyer 'assisted' you, that's grounds for nullification. I just hope the terms are worth what you're putting up with. I don't have a problem with anyone choosing to marry for money but as they say "marrying for money is the toughest job you'll ever have". I imagine you put up with tiny jabs from him and his family almost daily. You may not always notice them, but I expect they're always there. I hope you're squirreling away what money you can. I feel that at some point this situation is going to be so intolerable that you scream to hell with the lifestyle, pack a bag, and get the fuck out of Dodge

You can't make him provide for his son. It's disgusting that he hasn't made provisions in his will to set up a trust for him. What on earth does he think is going to happen when he dies? Does he expect that his mother will step in and care for him? His sisters? You? You and I both know that the support services as far as residential care for the mentally ill in California (and the US) are pretty abysmal unless one is very well provided for financially. If he doesn't make provision, his son will end up on SSI and on the streets or in some horrid 3rd rate assisted living. May he rot in hell for treating his son this way.

As far as women provoking attack to claim DV being a 'So Cal thing', I resent that implication. It's no more common in California than anywhere else.

BTW, where are your own children whilst all this shit is going on?

Shambu- I have tried to talk to him about this stuff but he literally shuts down with what he deems as emotional stuff and will sleep and hide in the bedroom. He becomes depressed when anyone is unhappy and he considers such a discussion as unhappiness. Since he has had so much dysfunction with his girls and family I have tried to be the fun and happy wife because I have never seen so much unhappiness for a family that should be happy. I felt bad for him with all the disfunction and he definitely cannot handle any conflict.