My step daughter is a spoiled brat

[Frankieat3427]

I have been married to my husband for six months but with him for about 6.5 years. His girls are manipulative, controlling and spoiled brats. They scream at their father right in front of me and when I tell them their behavior is not appropriate they start screaming at me. There are many inappropriate examples (which I’m not going to get into on this thread for the purpose of time) of these girls ruining holidays by their screaming and abusive behavior. According to my husband his ex wife ruined every holiday with her constant screaming so I understand the girl’s behavior is learned from their mom (he has 3 daughters and I have seen them all behave this way more often than not and a lot worse than what I’m describing below.)

Most recently the 17 year old daughter was supposed to go out to her brothers birthday dinner. This boy is an adult special needs 28 year old. He is schizophrenic. He lives with us full time and literally sits in the chair starring at the wall due to being heavily medicated. He doesn’t leave the house other than for special occasions. The daughter didn’t want to go to her brothers birthday dinner. When she got into the car she started screaming at her dad that she told him she didn’t want to go and he told her she didn’t have to go to the birthday dinner, she seemed oblivious to the fact that the words coming out of her mouth might be hurtful to the birthday boy that she was sitting right next to in the car. Even though her dad told her to be quiet she kept screaming even though she was sitting right next to her brother. Both her dad and I were shocked at her lack of awareness that what was coming out of her mouth was incredibly hurtful. After about 5 minutes of her screaming I interfered because I felt so bad for her brother and I wanted it to stop. I merely said “Amy it’s your brothers birthday you need to stop” or something like that. At which point she said I was a cunt.

After the incident she left the car and went to her mom’s for about 4 weeks. She never apologized to her dad, her brother, nor me. While the father has a very permissive parenting style and does not demand respect from his daughters I do not have this parenting style and if my sons ever spoke to an adult this way I would punish them by being grounded, etc. Luckily my boys are very well behaved and would not consider this type of behavior.

During this month of his daughter being at her mom’s I spoke to many other women that told me they would slap anyone that called them this name and that I should ignore her unless she apologizes. I have decided that this girl owes me an apology. Her dad has told me already that she probably won’t apologize to me as she hasn’t even apologized to him. I really hate his parenting style as his daughters behave like terrorists.

Last night I told my husband that if she doesn’t apologize by her high school graduation in three months that I was going to tell her mother of her behavior (even though the mom probably behaves this was herself). He told me if I did this then our marriage was over and we would get divorced. As a mom If my boys behaved this way I would want to know. Needless to say with this threat that my husband made he and I are not talking now. The step daughters have never accepted me not because of anything with me but because they have never liked any woman their father has been with. These girls have a preoccupation with what they will inherit when their father dies. He is very wealthy and unfortunately he talks about when he dies quite a bit (even though he is only 57 and has family genes that will have him living into his 90’s). When the 17 year old was 12 I remember her asking her father “who gets the boat when you’re gone?” I find this absolutely disgusting. But I digress...

How do I handle this with this daughter? I want an apology and feel like since I was protecting a special needs person that her behavior warrants one. Aside from that, it’s pretty hard to not get involved when you’re in a confined space (a car) and one person is screaming non stop.

My sis has already advised me that her mom probably won’t care so it doesn’t solve anything for me to talk to her mom about her daughters behavior. After all these girls are brats because of both parents parenting style.

I’m Interested in how others would handle this.

no, they don't respect you, so don't bother worrying about them, they are not your children, you get yourself upset which is what they want, when he goes out with his daughter then good riddance, have a nice quiet night and make time to go out with your own friends and family.

Shambu- Thank you for your response.

My husband is a very patient (in fact too patient), level headed, calm man which I found very appealing. Even though I consider him emotionally detached, we really don’t have much conflict, unless of course, it involves these girls and they’re disrespectfulness.

Should I ignore or confront her and tell her how inappropriate her behavior is (even though I know she doesn’t care about her behavior) and confronting her will probably end up in her calling me more names and her justifying to me why her behavior was appropriate.

Yes, just ignore it. Your DH has told you not to confront her, you're not her mum, she's not going to listen to anything you say anyway, so just detach and leave them to it.

The only thing that would have any impact on her is if her dad said something, and he clearly does not give a shiny shit how his children behave.

Your dsd sounds like my 17 year old step daughter.

I think you have to address it yourself. You are certainly entitled to not be abused in your own home. I would insist on your DH facilitating a sit down talk between the three of you. Tell her the way she spoke to you was in acceptable and you deserve an apology. Tell her whenever she wants to say it you will be happy to hear it. (I really don't think there is any point forcing it.) Tell her the pair of you are going to start afresh, it is your home and you expect her to say hello, be courteous etc.

Don't get into anything big or complicated. Be consistent and kind - if she ignores you in the shared parts of the house say "stepdaughter I expect a hello if we are going to be in the living room together. As you're not able to manage that can you please go upstairs. You're more than welcome back when youre prepared to be civil."

That is what my counsellor advised me anyway. She said my problem was that I didn't feel entitled to stand up for myself but that I am (and you are) entitled to insist on a pleasant living environment.

Shambu, I agree about the provisions of his son- but with schizophrenia there is no self control. So you can’t leave him much money because they will blow through it or even be stolen from. I didn’t get involved in his prior estate plan (even though I know he should develop what they call here a Special Needs Trust) because we weren’t married at the time. It took him a year to even put the mediocre estate plan together. I have avoided the subject for now.

if she ignores you in the shared parts of the house say "stepdaughter I expect a hello if we are going to be in the living room together. As you're not able to manage that can you please go upstairs. You're more than welcome back when youre prepared to be civil."

And when the DSD says "No, fuck off", then what?

I'd just say my hellos, accept I'm not getting any reply and not give a shit.

So in all of these posts I’m reading none of you are talking about how to deal with this girl.

Well I tried to suggest possible reasons for the girls’ behaviour. Personally I would try to get to the root of her behaviour and very calmly set boundaries for what you will and won’t tolerate. However, it’s really your DH’s responsibility to “deal with” the youngest daughter’s behaviour towards you. It sounds as if he can’t be bothered though.

Femfemilicous- thank you for your input. I wholeheartedly agree. There is nothing that justifies her selfish behavior and I do not want nor will I listen to her side and her attempted justification of why she behaved that way.

Shambu- but would you ignore her?

He needs to establish what we would call here. a disabled trust and to appoint a guardian.

From US site:

Family members are sometimes reluctant to become guardians, fearing that a ward’s erratic behavior will be too disruptive or expose them to liability. In addition, guardians must make difficult decisions—especially concerning money—which can cause long-term damage to a personal relationship. In many states, there are public guardianship systems or social service agencies that can assume such responsibilities, freeing loved ones to “be family.” And in some states, financial decision-making can be delegated to a “conservator,” which may be a financial institution.

www.specialneedsalliance.org/guardianship-and-mental-illness/

I wouldn't outright ignore her, but considering she doesn't view you as a parent, her father isn't interested in parenting her properly, and you don't really like her, I'd just detach and take a step back.

Be polite as in hellos and goodbyes, but don't involve yourself in her life. At 17 she's probably out quite a lot anyway.

If you don’t want to leave your DH, my advice is to detach completely from his vile offspring. Ignore them, do nothing for them, don’t cook meals for them and if you speak to them don’t expect a reply. Count down the days until they leave for college and you can have a more peaceful life.

Tell DH that his children are his problem to deal with from now on because you won’t accept rudeness and nastiness any more. You will be polite to them but nothing more. Start planning outings and trips for you and your DCs when the brats are visiting.

Be polite but distant. Make your own plans when she comes to see her father. Stop using overly dramatic language - 'screaming' being a case in point.

Fedupofthisrubbish - I also consider these girls very verbally abusive. I agree. It is my home (even though they think it’s their home because they will inherit everything). I’ve tried it in the past with the dad and daughter (a sit down) and all it amounts to is the girl getting very upset and us both ending up in a screaming match. She wants to tell me how much she hates me and how much I ruined her life by marrying her father because she doesn’t want to share her inheritance (she has pretty much said those similar words to me in the kitchen when screaming at me. On one of these occasions when she was referencing her inheritance and telling me that everyone hates me, she was very close to poking my eyes out (literally she was two inches from my eyes and pushing her fingers repeatedly back and forth at my eye balls). I was very concerned she was going to poke me in the eyes. I told her dad that if she touched me again (she touched me a couple times during that screaming match on my arms) that I was going to slap her, to which her father said to me, if you touch her I’m calling the police. This statement from her dad was music to her ears, she then was begging me to slap her just so her father would call the police on me. I called her a lunatic, looked at her very weird, and told her to get some counseling. That’s the kind of crap (the bating thing to hit) very mature women do here in Southern California when they’re trying to get the upper hand in a divorce. I found this behavior very disturbing, the manipulation at such a young age of 17. Needless to say, I won’t be doing any sit downs with her because she wants to justify why she thought it was appropriate to not attend her brothers birthday dinner, which quite frankly I don’t care. She is expected to go and should attend.

Popping off -agreed. Thank you for your response.

Essentially her father is colluding in her behaviour. He could have told her, when she was jabbing at your eyes, that he would call the police on her if she touched you. He chose to protect her over you.

He's subtly established where you are in the pecking order.

Ihateunclejamie- the girl doesn’t like me because of the prospect she will have to share in her inheritance. I’ve heard similar stories and most men know the reason why their daughters don’t like their step mom. We even sat next to a couple the other day in a restaurant and he also had 3 daughters that treated his new wife like crap. Needless to say, at least he was able to be honest about it and is telling others it’s because of their inheritance. If my husband knows that this is the reason he’s not admitting it himself or me. Ive told him many times how inappropriate it is to talk about when he dies. It’s a not so subtle suggestion to others about what happens when he dies.

Your husband has made clear that he would rather divorce you than teach his daughters basic courtesy. I think you know where you stand.

This entire situation is hopelessly dysfunctional because all your lives revolve around money and not love. But you knew what you were getting into six years before you got married.

Mummy2017- only the 17 year old lives with us 50% of the time. In another six months she’ll be gone to college. :)

You need to distance yourself, they aren't little children who need a sm.
I would not have that behaviour in my home, especially with younger children.
Their Dad needs to see them somewhere else, not in your home. Put your foot down, they behave or they don't visit.

Your H is the main problem here as he isn't parenting them, and if mine asked what they were getting i'd say nothing, my money is going to the cats home.

Needless to say, at least he was able to be honest about it and is telling others it’s because of their inheritance

That's not the whole story - the real reason is because the father allows it.

It's interesting to see another family with a similar pecking order.

The second/third wives are disrespected by the children because the fathers don't respect them.

The DSD's sound absolutely awful OP

Are you sure they would inherit, not you, as the wife?

I see many posters are annoyed as you mentioned money, but I understand... you are concerned about his very ill son and provisions need to be made.

I agree with the PP that said simply ignore, do not even engage with them (the DSD's) VERY hard to do though when they are in your house.

They enjoy winding you up.

They are jealous of you and threatened by you, and no doubt wound up by their mother. I also feel (a very teensy tiny bit) sorry for them. But more for you.

You made no disablist comment IMO. Ignore that. You are clearly concerned for your DSS and his birthday and future

Imagine having such little self respect you let these awful people treat you this way just because one of these losers had a bit of money.

The just disengage
No more meals out.
No point going out for a meal .
If you do have to go somewhere, tell your husband that you don't want to cause an arguement, so will meet him there .