My step daughter is a spoiled brat

[Frankieat3427]

I have been married to my husband for six months but with him for about 6.5 years. His girls are manipulative, controlling and spoiled brats. They scream at their father right in front of me and when I tell them their behavior is not appropriate they start screaming at me. There are many inappropriate examples (which I’m not going to get into on this thread for the purpose of time) of these girls ruining holidays by their screaming and abusive behavior. According to my husband his ex wife ruined every holiday with her constant screaming so I understand the girl’s behavior is learned from their mom (he has 3 daughters and I have seen them all behave this way more often than not and a lot worse than what I’m describing below.)

Most recently the 17 year old daughter was supposed to go out to her brothers birthday dinner. This boy is an adult special needs 28 year old. He is schizophrenic. He lives with us full time and literally sits in the chair starring at the wall due to being heavily medicated. He doesn’t leave the house other than for special occasions. The daughter didn’t want to go to her brothers birthday dinner. When she got into the car she started screaming at her dad that she told him she didn’t want to go and he told her she didn’t have to go to the birthday dinner, she seemed oblivious to the fact that the words coming out of her mouth might be hurtful to the birthday boy that she was sitting right next to in the car. Even though her dad told her to be quiet she kept screaming even though she was sitting right next to her brother. Both her dad and I were shocked at her lack of awareness that what was coming out of her mouth was incredibly hurtful. After about 5 minutes of her screaming I interfered because I felt so bad for her brother and I wanted it to stop. I merely said “Amy it’s your brothers birthday you need to stop” or something like that. At which point she said I was a cunt.

After the incident she left the car and went to her mom’s for about 4 weeks. She never apologized to her dad, her brother, nor me. While the father has a very permissive parenting style and does not demand respect from his daughters I do not have this parenting style and if my sons ever spoke to an adult this way I would punish them by being grounded, etc. Luckily my boys are very well behaved and would not consider this type of behavior.

During this month of his daughter being at her mom’s I spoke to many other women that told me they would slap anyone that called them this name and that I should ignore her unless she apologizes. I have decided that this girl owes me an apology. Her dad has told me already that she probably won’t apologize to me as she hasn’t even apologized to him. I really hate his parenting style as his daughters behave like terrorists.

Last night I told my husband that if she doesn’t apologize by her high school graduation in three months that I was going to tell her mother of her behavior (even though the mom probably behaves this was herself). He told me if I did this then our marriage was over and we would get divorced. As a mom If my boys behaved this way I would want to know. Needless to say with this threat that my husband made he and I are not talking now. The step daughters have never accepted me not because of anything with me but because they have never liked any woman their father has been with. These girls have a preoccupation with what they will inherit when their father dies. He is very wealthy and unfortunately he talks about when he dies quite a bit (even though he is only 57 and has family genes that will have him living into his 90’s). When the 17 year old was 12 I remember her asking her father “who gets the boat when you’re gone?” I find this absolutely disgusting. But I digress...

How do I handle this with this daughter? I want an apology and feel like since I was protecting a special needs person that her behavior warrants one. Aside from that, it’s pretty hard to not get involved when you’re in a confined space (a car) and one person is screaming non stop.

My sis has already advised me that her mom probably won’t care so it doesn’t solve anything for me to talk to her mom about her daughters behavior. After all these girls are brats because of both parents parenting style.

I’m Interested in how others would handle this.

Wigglypiggly- Thank you for your reply

He is a very easy-going, funny man and is fun to be around, aside from his horrible set of priorities and his horrible parenting style.

I think your H ultimately only cares about his own self and his creature comforts. This man is singing la la la whilst sticking his fingers in his ears. He's planning on spending the best part of $350K on two cars, why does he need two cars anyway? That money could be better spent on providing proper based care assistance for his 28 year old son who spends his days at home with you. Its disgusting that his own father has made no financial provision re care for him when he dies. Who exactly is going to look after him when he dies; it won't be his own siblings or mother nor in all likelihood you either.

Dear OP,

If you work out the pros and cons of this relationship what would weigh heavier?
Is taking all this disrespect mostly from hubby really worth it?

Yes I say mostly from him because at the end of the day they are what he teaches them.. apart from being his wife you are an elder ( I am assuming) it’s just common courtesy to be polite & respectful.

If he can casually say if you this or that we will divorce, it seems he himself doesn’t rate you as a gem or priority. You are not getting much from him in any shape or form. Which is real sad tbh after almost a decade together.

At the rate the girls are going they have no intention of becoming independant and moving on .. & I get the feelin that OH is okay with this.. almost like a trophy to his ex and you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Think carefully about thia relationship.. if OH cannot be a unit with you, there does not seem to be a chance of harmony in your home.🌷

I seriously think you should leave him if it has gotten to the point of her almost poking you in the eyes and she is actually there 50% of the time. It can't be a nice environment for your own sons...seriously toxic.

I would be getting as much money as i could get my hands on and keep it hidden away so that when he die's if you are not in the will you will have something to live on

Cornish83- Thank you for your reply. I agree with you wholeheartedly. I do believe in standing up for myself and make a point of doing so. Unfortunately the dynamics in this family is that if you stand up for yourself it’s a HUGE mistake. I have witnessed the middle child have a smirk on her face because her cousin was going to a community college because her father could not afford to send his kids to a 4 year school. I think it’s gross that she thinks she’s all that because daddy has a few bucks. Fortunately at this point I don’t have a lot of interaction with the kids as most of them are older.

"I felt bad for him with all the disfunction and he definitely cannot handle any conflict".

That is the impression he certainly wants to give you. Running away from it all as he does though will not help him. I wonder where that all really started with him, probably in his childhood.

Stop making threats
“Do this or i’ll their mother”
“Touch me again and I’ll slap you”

Dear Frankie I ma shocked there is no provision for you or his sons needs in his will. I live in Spain so men actually can't do this here (or women!)

Please listen to Acrossthepond she is a very trusted poster and knows more than us Brits/Europeans as she lives where you do.

I am 47 and recently been thinking of my old age... would you at least inherit the house? Surely you couldn't be kicked out.

I think those saying 'you married for money' are being a little shortsighted. Hope you have a good nnight OP

Crosstalk- My husband has advised me to ignore and not get involved in any way, as then they turn their anger on me. I understand that and for the most part I do, but some times when it gets ridiculously absurd I obviously do get involved. I’ve noticed that the middle girl does actually get happy when she gets everybody else upset. It’s pretty sick to watch. She can’t stand people being happy, especially on holidays. I’ve even heard this middle girl yell at her grandparents and again they don’t say anything. Anyone that has personally witnessed the behavior agree she is a very ugly human being. Obviously the 17 year old is taking after her older sister (and probably her mother too);

As far as his estate plan and the way it is currently written I would get to keep the house (and the estate would pay for the house expenses) for 2 years. He also left me the boat. I told him I really don’t want the boat. Having the boat hasn’t been an enjoyable experience for me and it’s nothing but a money pit and not something I can do by myself. It’s too big. This is another referenece to his selfishness, because I am a Financial Advisor I see how concerned men are about their wives if they were to die prematurely. My husband on the other hand, has created a horrible estate plan in which everyone will be fighting each other. Can you imagine these girls monitoring my household expenses for two years? He really doesn’t think ahead of time about others including his new wife and his son. Personally, as a wife who is in her 50’s I think I should get more because I am approaching retirement age. But right now, his daughters will all inherit about $12 million a piece. Pretty sick numbers, right? It won’t occur to him that this division isn’t equitable unless I bring it up. That’s what I mean about his selfishness. I understand putting together an estate plan is difficult for men because they don’t want to deal with their possible demise, but remember he avoids. Even after I bring it up I will have to pester him for years for him to change it. Quite frankly it’s not worth the effort right now. To his defense and the comments about him disrespecting me I have seen him be emotionally detached even with his own offspring, so that why I chose to not take it personally. He does little things like get me coffee in the morning, stop at the store if I need him to pick something up, that shows he cares about me. I’m not being defensive here. I’m merely pointing out that he behaves the same way (mostly) with his entire family, emotionally detached and trying to avoid any conflict whatsoever at any cost.

Attila...Like I’ve suggested in previous posts he and I have a very good relationship when the girls are not around. They actually aren’t around a lot at this point. So I don’t have to endure a lot of pain. Coming from a verbally abusive past relationship I actually appreciate his stability and calm when everyone else in his family is yelling.

I dunno OP, I think you married him for his money, and he married you for help with his sick son and crazy daughters. On that basis I'm not surprised you're not to inherit as he sees you as staff.

He knows full well his will isn't equitable. He doesn't see you as family, unlike his daughters. He's not avoiding estate planning - he's done it - it's just that he's left his estate in a way you don't like.

He avoids talking about it because he can't defend it and he's not going to change it.

But the youngest at the very least is going to be around anyway till she goes to college. And dear old dad will continue to kow tow and scrape around his children because it suits him to do so.

You must have had some idea of what his family was like before and because you were marrying into it. Sadly I think you have merely gone from one previously abusive marriage into yet another abusive relationship, this time his children being the abusers with him enabling them. It may not be the same set up as before by any means but your H is conflict averse and his behaviours are causing real problems in your relationship already. What sort of man too uses the threat of divorce a mere six months into marriage?.

They're his daughters. He can leave them as much or as little money as he wants. It's up to him.

Like I said, I think you know where you stand.

Shambu how can the OP have married him for his money knowing she’s not going to financially benefit on his death?

Iflyaway- My boys are 15 and 17 and they live with us 50% of the time. Their father is involved with them and a pretty good dad. Their father has already been engaged to one woman, married and divorced another woman (within the 10 year period). I do feel bad that my sons don’t have a normal household in either of their parents situation. I don’t make my boys go to visit any of his family as a way to protect them. Thank goodness they didn’t go with us during the last Thanksgiving trip. I knew the 23 year old would be abusive and sure enough she behaved her normal way and it was absolutely a horrible holiday. I’ve explained to my boys just because these girls behave bad not to take it personally. They know these girls are spoiled brats and that my hubby is a wimp. If any of these girls ever attacked my sons I would come at them with daggers and they know it so they stay away from them. So they just ignore each other. My older son said to me when I told him we were eloping, you realize they all hate you and we will never have a normal relationship.

As for my 17 year old boy he is in a joint class with the 17 year old girl outside of school, but yet you wouldn’t know they live in the same house and that they’re step siblings. I blame the 17 year old girl for this. As she clearly is not shy and initially my boys were terrified to move in because the middle girl was the terrorist at the time. I’ve told my boys that these girls behavior is 100% a reflection on them and has nothing to do with my boys. They totally understand that. I do believe these girls were ignoring my boys to get me to leave the relationship with their father.

BudgieBird I have no idea how the law works where the OP lives but the idea that he can treat her as nothing more than an unappreciated member of staff makes me glad I live in the UK.

Your idea as to what being a spouse means is abhorrent.

OP can benefit from his wealth and financial security in daily life, regardless of whether she inherits long term.

I'm not saying that's the only reason - no doubt there were others - security, companionship etc, nor am I judging it. But OP was frank that his money was part of the attraction.

The US is not a place I would want to be a struggling single mother - health insurance, college fees etc.

Sadly I think you have merely gone from one previously abusive marriage into yet another abusive relationship, this time his children being the abusers with him enabling them. It may not be the same set up as before by any means but your H is conflict averse and his behaviours are causing real problems in your relationship already. What sort of man too uses the threat of divorce a mere six months into marriage?

I agree with this.

Mind your own business

Lunafortjest- I wonder the same thing and am becoming more resentful and hurt. As I’ve written about in another post money is not an issue here but yet even after we’re married he will only be putting cars and any future houses in his name alone. That is completely selfish and the behavior I have difficult with because of how it makes me feel. I feel like he thinks I am going to leave as soon as he adds my name to a title. On the one hand he says I’m putting a lot of effort into the titling which doesn’t make a difference. It does make a difference because it makes me feel like he’s thinking of us short-term and not long-term. I’ve asked him at what point is he going to trust me. I don’t have the passwords for anything. I lived in this house for two years before he finally gave me the code to get in the household safe. At the time we had a lot of break in around the surrounding area and the men had guns. I was incredibly hurt that he was putting more care into the thought I might take the $10k or so in the safe rather than being concerned for my well being. I was in tears and explained to him that I would be shot in the head if these crooks and wanted in the safe because it’s not believable I wouldn’t have the code. After bringing it up two or three times he finally gave me the code. This was and is still very hurtful that I would have to point out the obvious to this knucklehead.

Well Shambo nothing is always straightforward. I’d be seeing a lawyer to see where the land lies. He may not have a pre nup and any any pre nup he may have may not be enforceable. That would wipe the smile off these vile girls faces.

Shambu- agreed but they even complained when they went to their mothers wedding. Why have people at a wedding that you know won’t be happy for you. He didn’t tell them ahead of time because he knew what the reaction would be and he likes to avoid conflict, even though his behavior in itself creates a lot of conflict. I don’t think he gets it.

Rafflesaway- more hurt than mad- I’ve come to realize that he loves me to the best of his ability not how many many women are used to men being more aware of their emotional needs and desires.

OK Frankie you need to talk to Acrossthepond this, to me is financial abuse. You clearly didn't marry him for security and money as you don't have it!

You will have a boat and these girls controlling your home for two years.

People on her do not understand different tax/inheritance laws and your sounds really grim.

Look after you.

Honestly, I've changed my opinion. Get divorced, he is better off alive than dead in this scenario.