Dating thread 149 - we live a life of oh wells not what if's

[lifegoes]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Do unto others as you would have them do to you.

And a reminder - you don't know them until you know them!

Link to Info on Dating Websites & Apps https://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3514717-List-of-Dating-Site-Info-Dating-Thread?watched=1

Patronising twat 🙄

Wine is definitely my downfall. Must remember that.

I'm not as bad as you think , definitely worse dudes out there in the dating world

Suburban reading through your posts has given me horrible flash backs about the bloke I was involved with straight after my divorce. He had all the flirty chit chat, was charming and knew exactly how to manipulate women to get what he wanted.

You can't say no one got hurt when you were dating because you don't know that. I experienced the gradual fade of interest and I was so inexperienced at dating that I'd no idea what was going on. I thought it was my fault, that I'd done something wrong. It was 5 years ago and I still feel ashamed that I was taken in by his games.

I hope you're happy in your current relationship but don't ever assume that you haven't hurt someone in your past. The only good thing that I took from the experience was knowing how to avoid men like him and you in the future.

Yes, on reflection some probably did get hurt, and that I am sorry for. I should have been better 're the ending and not fizzle / slow ghost.

Probably goes against my ethos , but not sleeping with dates on a 1st date probably for the best. That was my aim with many, the only aim so would keep the power totally in your hands.
Although I did with current GF. Again , she worked for me , and was what i was looking for.

Wow everyone has gone so angry. Think suburban is just being honest most of us want a confident guy and often that hurts others and seems cocky. I’m more annoyed by the hat person! 🤣

You and I both @ccgirr hat is very angry at us 🙄

I kinda think @SurburbanTwist is just being honest, I've followed this thread for ages and I've read of others ghosting people or letting things fizzle out without making their point clear and people don't seem to judge as much as they have done with @SurburbanTwist. At the end of the day, at least it gives one male perspective so you know maybe what to be wary of in future!

I am definitely on team richdeniro rather than team suburbantwist. The problem is I expect suburbantwist would do a good job of pretending to be richdeniro up to the point of sex and then would ghost me. How do I know the difference before he ghosts me?

What I take from suburbans comments is that it doesn't really matter if you sleep with someone first date, third date. Whether you sext or not. Whether you say certain things or not. If you're into someone and they're into you...it works. If you wanna text first and have first date sex because the chemistry is off the charts .. do it. A fade off or ghosting isn't my style. And I don't like having it done to me. Purely a matter of being a grown up. But however way it's done it's not personal is what I'm taking from it . It just wasn't the right fit

I can’t speak for everyone on the thread but I for one couldn’t give a toss about the ‘male perspective’ from someone like that. I ask my male friends who are nice, kind people. Someone like rich offers a nice balanced view too.

He is the type of person we would post about being hurt by. Do we really need to know about his weird justifications and ‘reasons’ for his shitty behaviour? And he hasn’t been honest. He back-pedalled frantically when he realised he was getting pulled up on his shitty treatment of women.

Anyway, getting the thread back on track...

I’m going for a first date with a local man this afternoon. Not sure there’s any chemistry by phone but he’s good lucking and intelligent so will give it a fair shot. Has anyone else got dates lined up?

Who has a date tonight? Where you going and will you be DTD?

I have no date tonight other than with my son and a takeaway.

So please make me jealous with all your date stories.

Eesha- totally agree.
Stealth - you don’t know for def but one is the really nice guy- maybe too nice for some- and one is the edgy kind. If you are right for them they don’t ghost you. I think everyone hurts people in OlD because we don’t know what the other is thinking. I have ignored people because I just wasn’t interested or other people are more interesting. Sure we all have when initially get loads of messaged. Is a complex web and very harsh

Trying to catch up on the discussion between the men, not sure I want to read it all.

I’m off to Mr SA house in a bit, I feel nervous because I really need to have that chat with him, this is date five but dates have been spread out over 7 or 8 weeks. I’m scared that he’s going to say all he wants is FWB, the sex is great but without the relationship bit I’m just going to get bored (would maybe be different if I was seeing him more often), I don’t want a full blown relationship but I do want the security of being exclusive and know that he’s not dating other people.

Gosh I don’t really like the turn this thread has taken.

SuburbanTwist might not be the guy we’re all dreaming of but he’s been honest in giving his perspective, has done what many guys we’ve met have done and seems to have learned from it. He’s now met someone he cares about and acknowledges that his behaviour was a bit shitty. Let’s not beat him up for it eh? Some of the women on this thread have posted about things that I don’t find palatable but I wouldn’t call them out on it in the way Suburban has been.

Let’s all be nice! We’re all here to live, love and learn and that’s not always a clean journey.

Oh and I also think the crossover between bolding an abbreviated username and @ that shortened name can cause problems, but no need for rudeness.

As you were 😁

Love what are you going to say, have you thought?

It's never an easy conversation but you do need to know where you stand. You might be pleasantly surprised. Could you arrange to see each other more.

sidge I agree, I’m sure there are many of us that have treated people badly whilst OLD, I am guilty of ghoasting on several occasions. Sometimes we don’t realise how hurtful it is until someone does it to us.

I've tried 3 times to change the topic of food conversation back 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Lovemusic33 I've followed your story with MrSA and you seem to always say he seems to only want sex, and this doesn't seem to be the arrangement you want. So maybe try and do dates in more public places where sex isn't always readily available or have the chat with him and say what you are looking for. At least then you can move onto bigger and better things rather than maybe being on different pages when it comes to what you want

I agree ccgirr

For the record I've had three long relationships - one a decades long marriage - and all three started with dtd. If it's the right person for you (at the time) then it makes no difference.

I now try and separate FWB and possible relationships because it makes it simpler to my mind!

But supercali the issue is honesty. I might have a one night stand with someone I really fancied if they were honest but it sounds like suburban had decided before the date whether the woman had the criteria for ONS or relationship and would still go ahead with it if was just a ONS without telling the woman. None of us on this thread have done that.

I am trying not to hurt people and the guy I am dating on Monday knows it's my first date in 20 years and I'm a bit unsure of things. He seems lovely and as it's a lunchtime date there won't be sex. Last week another guy asked me out for dinner and I suggested lunch and he hasn't replied in 6 days so I guess he wants an evening date because he wants sex. Great. I won't be seeing him. If he was honest - and I fancied him - I might meet him for daytime sex when ex has the kids but he won't get that chance now.

It’s all very well saying he’s been honest on here (he hasn’t, but ok) but it’s irrelevant really. The people he should have been honest with were the people he was playing ‘games’ with in RL. I can honestly say I haven’t treated any of my dates like shit. I always send a text if I don’t want to take it any further, manners cost nothing and a text takes seconds. That’s people I’ve only had one or two dates with too.

I think ghosting says a lot about your integrity as a person. I wouldn’t dream of treating another person so horribly.

@Lovemusic33 I’ve followed your Mr SA story too but admit I lose track of what’s going on!

Is it that he’s great in bed but falls down in other areas such as communication and going out out?

I get the impression you’re flogging a dead horse there, maybe pin him down today and don’t have sex so you can make him actually talk! (Apologies if I’ve got it all wrong)

Eesha your right, I think we are finding it hard as we don’t see each other often and now we have DTD we both kind of want to do it when we see each other, problem being he can do it all day. We do make plans to do other things but it never happens. I kind of wish we hadn’t DTD so early (3rd date). He’s looking forward to me coming over today, he lives in the city centre so I’m hoping we won’t be spending all day at his, there’s plenty of places to eat near by and places to walk. I find it hard having “the talk” if I chicken out today then I will have to do it via text or phone call when I get home, I have sent him texts suggesting that it’s not just the sex I’m after, he replied that “he enjoys the sex and the great conversation”.

@Lovemusic33 why not then hold back a couple of times and see what happens?