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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Final straw last night. Handhold please

238 replies

TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 07:28

My relationship has been pretty crap for a while but whether gaslighting has been involved or whether I'm just weak I don't know, but I haven't been able to find the strength.

My self confidence has gone, self esteem is through the floor, but when I went away with just my children and my mum last week I felt different. I realised that I was so much happier and relaxed. I got my confidence back that I could actually make decisions and no one was going to criticise me for them. At home I no longer feel like I can make decisions as I'm either told I'm wrong or overruled.

He is a bully to me, and increasingly our 6 year old. At the weekend she was putting on a show in the house, she had made signs and put a pillow on the floor where her and her little sister had to start off asleep. They were in the middle of playing and a friend was going to be dropped off. He suddenly went mad about the pillow being on the playroom floor and shouted at her to put it away. She argued as they were playing and he started repeatedly screaming at her to put it back where it was. She got all flustered so he screwed up all the pictures she had put up. 5 mins later my friend came with his daughter and the bad mood was completely switched off and he was all smiles and laughter again.

Last night she did something and he screamed at her to go upstairs because she didn't do it straight away he grabbed her round the waist and pushed her really hard upstairs and in her room. I ran up to try and stop him, shouted for him to leave her alone and he lost it with me. Apparently it was my fault as I didn't back him up originally.

Firstly I don't think that if 1 parent is dealing with something the other needs to jump in and deal.with it too, but secondly I often can't back him up as he's wrong anyway.

He'll tell off for doing something which I know she hasn't done.and if I say she hasn't done it he loses it and starts shouting at me.

He has no.issue shouting at me in front of the children or ignoring anything I say to them and either telling them they can or can't do something when I have said the opposite, but apparently I'm.in the wrong for not backing him up when he's telling my daughter off for running down the stairs when she wasn't.

He winds her up.to the point that she either gets angry then he shouts at her, or cries then he laughs at her.

I can't do it any more. He went out last night and I tried calling women's aid but they were busy. I need to leave but the only place I could go is my mum's but it's down the road and he would be straight round.

I don't know if to speak to school to tell them what happened last night? I have no idea what to do, I just know that I need to go.

OP posts:
pilates · 27/02/2019 07:40

He should leave, it would be a shame to uproot your daughter from her home. Has he got anywhere to go? Sorry you are going through this but life will be better without a bully in your life 💐

RickOShay · 27/02/2019 07:41

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry. You need to find your strength and go to your mum’s. If he comes round you just say you need some space. Definitely try women’s aid again.
He can’t treat you and your children like that, it’s too damaging.
Sending you strength and hope Flowers

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 07:43

He wouldn't leave, and the house is in his name so can't make him.

Mum only lives down the road, he would just turn up and it wouldn't be fair on the children as despite him being a twat they adore him.

OP posts:
RickOShay · 27/02/2019 07:46

Sweetheart you have to find a way through this. What do you feel your options are?

RickOShay · 27/02/2019 07:47

Could you get some legal advice?
That would make things clearer.

femfemlicious · 27/02/2019 07:48

Wow...this is just wrong. Maybe get social services involved?. You definitely have to leave him. This is no way to live. Sending prayers your wayFlowers

bloodywhitecat · 27/02/2019 07:49

You are doing the right thing, you and your daughter deserve better. leaving is hard but sometimes it is the only option, do you own or rent? Does your mum know what is happening? Get all your paperwork together today if you can and keep trying Women's Aid.

Lovethetimeyouhave · 27/02/2019 07:52

Talking from experience. You have until your daughter is approximately 7 before she starts to hate him. Until she starts asking what time he is due home and expressing her unease and panic at his return. For now she still adores him of course. But at one time this will change. I assure you it will change and then you will know you've left it so so late for her.

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 07:54

Own but it's all in his name.

My mum has no idea. She knows what he can be like as he lost it at her once when we were staying there. Only a couple of friends know but they dont know the whole story as I am.too embarrassed to say.

OP posts:
gambaspilpil · 27/02/2019 07:58

I don’t think your DC ‘adore’ him. As a child of a DF who abused me DM I can assure you I didn’t adore him, I was however desperate to be liked and loved and would try and make him like me. Find your inner strength and leave him. This man is the role model to your DD. Sadly as she gets older she will view this as normal and likely come home one day with a man the same.

Samind · 27/02/2019 07:59

Have you ever spoke to your daughter to see how dad makes her feel? You do sound as if you're at breaking point and need to make a decision. Must be very hard for you. I second the school idea as they'll have a range of professional people that can get involved and work out from there. Maybe have a chat with your mum too and you have nothing to be embarrassed about!!!

Namechangeok · 27/02/2019 08:01

First of all, tell your mum everything. No more covering up for him. Try ring womans aid again. Have you any money at all behind you?

RickOShay · 27/02/2019 08:02

You have no shame here Tesco.
It’s not your fault. It is his. Believe that, Everyone else will.

LargeGlassofWhiteWine · 27/02/2019 08:03

Your poor poor DD! Sad she's being verbally abused and assaulted by her father and the 1 person who could protect her and get her away from him won't because she 'adores' him. She's 6,6! of course she adores her DF but I can guarantee you she doesn't adore being screamed at (how terrifying to be a little girl with a giant hulking man looming over you screaming down at you Sad) and being picked up and shoved by him he grabbed her round the waist and pushed her really hard upstairs and in her room.
Take a moment and think how scary it would be if he did this to you as an adult, now try and see how utterly terrifying it must be for her. And how confusing as well, she's learning that this is how she should be treated, that this is how a man shows love. She's learning right now that this is the best she can expect from a relationship in the future because this is all she is worth. YOU can show her differently, YOU can show her that she is worth being cherished and protected.
What you said here made my blood run cold...
He winds her up.to the point that she either gets angry then he shouts at her, or cries then he laughs at her.
He's a sadistic piece of shit, he ENJOYS seeing a child scared because of him.
Please please please OP, take your children and leave. Even if it's down the road. If he shows up at your mums don't answer the door and call the police. Protect your children, you're the only one who can.

Singlenotsingle · 27/02/2019 08:05

Are you married? If you're married, you've got rights, but I can't see that you've called him your "husband" anywhere.

AnotherEmma · 27/02/2019 08:08

He is abusing you both.

Keep trying Womens Aid. There's the national helpline and you should also have a local branch with their own phone number; Google it.

Are you married or not? If married you do have rights to stay in the family home (even though the mortgage/deeds are just in his name). If not married, you don't.

Your best bet is women's aid as they might be able to offer you a place in a refuge while you find somewhere more permanent, and you will get specialist support there. If not you can apply to your local council as homeless due to domestic abuse / relationship breakdown. Women's aid should be able to point you in the right direction for legal advice, if not you could call the Rights of Women family law helpline.

Do you have your own bank account and income/savings, or is it all joint or in his name?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 27/02/2019 08:10

You mentioned a little sister. Are both the children his?

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 08:10

I didn't say that I won't do anything. I'm making plans now. I said that I didn't want to go to my mum's as he would be straight round. It wouldn't be fair on them as they adore him and I wouldn't want them to see him screaming at the door and not being allowed to see him. The whole situation is going to be really really shit on them.

I've stayed because I've been worried about leaving them with him when he has custody but now that things have progressed I know I have to get out. Still fucking terrified of that though

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/02/2019 08:10

PS Tell your mum the whole story.

AnotherEmma · 27/02/2019 08:11

Oh and if you don't want him to have unsupervised contact with them, you need to report his abuse to the police. You could call the NSPCC helpline for advice on it.

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 08:13

Sorry, trying to reply while getting children ready and trying to hold it together.

Yes, both children are his. I have a bit in savings but no access to any other money. All in his account which I don't have access to

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 27/02/2019 08:21

are you married?

Yes you need to report this abuse OP Im afraid, its going to be hard and its going to be tough but I suspect the abuse is quite far reaching (and includes financial)

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 08:22

No not married. Sorry realised I've been asked this loads and not answered. Head all over the place at the moment

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2019 08:24

Its shit for them already and for you as well. Their home is not a sanctuary.

Do you really think that such a man would actually want to see his children post split; no such a supremely selfish man would simply and only use these kids as weapons or as punishment for you having the gall in his eyes of actually leaving him. He does not give a fig for his children nor you as their mother. He will bleed them dry too. In all likelihood he will continue to be obstructive and difficult post separation as punishment against you. Do you think he should actually see his children at all given his abuse of you?.

Your children do not adore him so much as fear him. They are learning a lot of damaging lessons on relationships here because they are seeing you as their mother being abused by this person.

This is all on him and from what you write about money you are being financially abused also. This is not sadly all that surprising given his other abuses of you (financially abusive men are rarely solely financially abusive).

Keep trying Womens Aid and also speak to the Rights of Women here too. There should be a local branch to you of Womens Aid too.

Ultimately Tesco, you are the only one who can protect your children from you, and in turn they (because they are seeing this at first hand) being abused. This is who he is and he is not going to change. You need a refuge place.

Sarahjconnor · 27/02/2019 08:27

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