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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Final straw last night. Handhold please

238 replies

TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 07:28

My relationship has been pretty crap for a while but whether gaslighting has been involved or whether I'm just weak I don't know, but I haven't been able to find the strength.

My self confidence has gone, self esteem is through the floor, but when I went away with just my children and my mum last week I felt different. I realised that I was so much happier and relaxed. I got my confidence back that I could actually make decisions and no one was going to criticise me for them. At home I no longer feel like I can make decisions as I'm either told I'm wrong or overruled.

He is a bully to me, and increasingly our 6 year old. At the weekend she was putting on a show in the house, she had made signs and put a pillow on the floor where her and her little sister had to start off asleep. They were in the middle of playing and a friend was going to be dropped off. He suddenly went mad about the pillow being on the playroom floor and shouted at her to put it away. She argued as they were playing and he started repeatedly screaming at her to put it back where it was. She got all flustered so he screwed up all the pictures she had put up. 5 mins later my friend came with his daughter and the bad mood was completely switched off and he was all smiles and laughter again.

Last night she did something and he screamed at her to go upstairs because she didn't do it straight away he grabbed her round the waist and pushed her really hard upstairs and in her room. I ran up to try and stop him, shouted for him to leave her alone and he lost it with me. Apparently it was my fault as I didn't back him up originally.

Firstly I don't think that if 1 parent is dealing with something the other needs to jump in and deal.with it too, but secondly I often can't back him up as he's wrong anyway.

He'll tell off for doing something which I know she hasn't done.and if I say she hasn't done it he loses it and starts shouting at me.

He has no.issue shouting at me in front of the children or ignoring anything I say to them and either telling them they can or can't do something when I have said the opposite, but apparently I'm.in the wrong for not backing him up when he's telling my daughter off for running down the stairs when she wasn't.

He winds her up.to the point that she either gets angry then he shouts at her, or cries then he laughs at her.

I can't do it any more. He went out last night and I tried calling women's aid but they were busy. I need to leave but the only place I could go is my mum's but it's down the road and he would be straight round.

I don't know if to speak to school to tell them what happened last night? I have no idea what to do, I just know that I need to go.

OP posts:
certainlymerry · 27/02/2019 08:29
  1. Tell your Mum the whole story
  2. Get legal advice as soon as you can,
  3. Keep calling Women’s Aid until you get through
  4. Get your passports together along with any paperwork both certificates etc you need
  5. Any money you have, make sure he can’t get access to it
  6. Inform the Police when you leave that you are afraid of him and may need back up protection if he comes round to your Mums
  7. Find out if there is anywhere you can go apart from your Mums I.e sibling, friend, temporary accommodation. Do you have enough money to rent somewhere for six months? Could your mum help you?
  8. Stop hiding the facts from friends, they need to know. He will smarm and charm and twist things once you have left.
  9. Please please don’t focus on what your daughters feel about their Dad now. You are doing this to protect them, and when they are older they will understand.

Good luck. X

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2019 08:31

I would also approach your local council offices asap re your housing situation. None of you are safe to remain in this house with this individual.

MumUnderTheMoon · 27/02/2019 08:31

He has assaulted your daughter buy pushing her and if you alter your/the children's behaviour because of his bullying that might be considered coercive control also bullying your 6 year old until she cry's is emotional abuse.
If you can't get through to women's aid could you try your local police or social services for advice?

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 08:33

He definitely will want them as much as he can. I can't explain it but there's no way he wouldn't want them in his life when i leave. Anyone that sees him says what an amazing dad he is and that really worries me

OP posts:
Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 08:35

Off to school and going to speak to her teacher or the head when I drop her off, then going to call my mum.

OP posts:
downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 08:47

Certainlymerry gives great advice - concise and sensible.

I can't emphasize enough how important it is to TELL PEOPLE about what you are going through. You are going to need support, and people will rush to give it when they know the full story.

I think getting your ducks in line, and working out an escape plan is actually really sensible. Keep your resolve strong, though.

MadAboutWands · 27/02/2019 08:47

You need to see a sollicitor ASAP.
I wouod also advise you to contact Women Aid because this man is abusive. At the very least emotionally abusive, if not financially.

You need to get the ball rolling now that you have the courage to leave. And before he drags you down again.

NotSorry · 27/02/2019 08:48

despite him being a twat they adore him

no, they really don't - they are finding ways to cope

I speak from experience

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/02/2019 08:56

"Anyone that sees him says what an amazing dad he is and that really worries me"

These men are also masters of manipulation and most people only see the surface impression. Abusive people are often plausible to those in the outside world but you know the truth about him and the truth will out. Its an act that such people put on and its an act too that they cannot at all maintain. I would also think that one or two of your own social circle have their own private based suspicions about him.

He may well want them in his life but I doubt it very much particularly long term. It will only be to use them to further punish you for having the utter cheek in his head to actually leave him. I also think he will not pay for his children readily either; you are going to have to use the collection agency for that. He is financially abusing you already and in turn they are being affected.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 27/02/2019 09:01

Well done for deciding to leave this scumbag. Tell the school that your DD was assaulted and you need to inform the police. Help is available to keep you and your children safe but you have to start telling everyone what is going on.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 27/02/2019 09:02

As per your OP. Please let this be the final straw and get out.

Regarding your DD adoring him, don't worry about that for now. Set up on your own and if she is reluctant to go to him, you have your answer. chances are he will behave better when he is one to one with her as he knows she will refuse him otherwise. Currently she has no choice and that and that alone means you must forge on with this separation.

pumpkinpie01 · 27/02/2019 09:02

They don't adore him, they are desperate to please him they will end up tiptoeing round in their own house, a shadow of their former selves. Go to your mums , tell her everything, then go to the police then when you move into your mums if he causes trouble they are already aware. If he is hammering on the door causing trouble you can call them straight away.You know you are all better off without him, he is not going to change. Dont be scared of telling people, people will support you. You can do this, today is the day for change and action.

Floomph · 27/02/2019 09:09

Yes they don't adore him. In this situation you get into a cycle of trying to do all the right things so you don't get shouted at. Your children will be frightened of him. And no, I bet lots of your friends don't think he's such a wonderful dad either. These charming men don't charm everyone - lots of people will have seen through him.

Dirtybadger · 27/02/2019 09:11

I have a few friends who had really rough childhoods. They all still "adored" their parents as children and still care about them a lot (this is a bit mixed). Despite being brought up in care or by their grandmother because they were being abused.

Adults stay in abusive relationships because they "love them". Think about how difficult it is for kids to recognise that the person doesn't deserve that. It's almost impossible! They would adore an abusive parents pretty much regardless of their behaviour.

Your OP was really hard to read because your daughters show sounded so sweet, amusing, and exactly the sort of thing any good parent would be lapping up adoringly. And he comes and screws up all her drawings. It should be a memory you replay in your head with a bit of a smile when youre away from them some afternoons not one that puts a knot in your stomach.

Mummacake · 27/02/2019 09:12

Everything Attila says and more. You are being abused as is you child. This will not get better - only worse. He will make every thing as difficult as possible but the abuse to you all is far more damaging. Get out and get all the help you are entitled to. Once you have time to draw breath, look at the freedom programme- it makes sense of every thing you are going through and why it's abusive. Sending strength Flowers

IncrediblySadToo · 27/02/2019 09:13

Is the house owned or rented?

Why are the savings in his name only?

Fishwifecalling · 27/02/2019 09:14

You don't need to keep it secret. You are protecting your children. Don't be ashamed of that.

TheCreativeLife · 27/02/2019 09:20

Ugh you poor thing. I was married to a man like this. He used to say "I'm his father I'll do what I like"

I didn't agree.

Divorced now, thank god. Good luck OP Flowers

RickOShay · 27/02/2019 09:41

Well done Tesco, you are doing the right thing, don’t be scared. Flowers

FrogsAreMean · 27/02/2019 09:42

IncrediblySadToo
"Why are the savings in his name only"

Why do you want to know this? I am sure the OP has enough on her plate trying to put one foot in front of the other at the moment with the magnitude of what she has facing her - she doesn't need to be quizzed at the moment or ever really.

OP - Please just take one step at a time, you have made the right decision and you have some fantastic advice and support on here but I know it must be overwhelming you.

You CAN do this - you and your children deserve to live a life which isn't filled with fear and abuse.

I wish you the very best of luck and will be thinking about you.

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 09:45

Ok. Just spoken to school and they are going to get advice from social care. Spoken to my mum, going home to pack and go over there

OP posts:
Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 09:46

I have savings in my name that he doesn't know about, his money gets paid into his bank account that i don't have access to

OP posts:
SleepDeprivedCabbageBrain · 27/02/2019 09:47

Sending you strength Tesco. This sounds horrible, you don't deserve it, -- you and your kids will be better off when he's gone.

RickOShay · 27/02/2019 09:49

That is great. You will be ok, just keep going. Well done Flowers

toomuchtooold · 27/02/2019 09:50

Why are the savings in his name only?

Because he's an abuser and they plan this shit ahead. I bet when he set up that arrangement he was all still sweetness and light but somehow it was a question that the OP just couldn't ask - why don't I have access to those savings - it would have seemed like a daft question, and he'd have been soooo hurt at the implied accusation and would have gone off in a grump for two days and somehow, at the end of it, she would feel guilty for doubting him but still not have access to the money.

OP regarding your kids adoring their dad - nope, been there, done that. It was my mother but the same sort of behaviour. I used to suck up to her because it was a way of checking that she wasn't in a bad mood with me. It was all about safety, nothing to do with love