Final straw last night. Handhold please

[TescoValueUserName]

My relationship has been pretty crap for a while but whether gaslighting has been involved or whether I'm just weak I don't know, but I haven't been able to find the strength.

My self confidence has gone, self esteem is through the floor, but when I went away with just my children and my mum last week I felt different. I realised that I was so much happier and relaxed. I got my confidence back that I could actually make decisions and no one was going to criticise me for them. At home I no longer feel like I can make decisions as I'm either told I'm wrong or overruled.

He is a bully to me, and increasingly our 6 year old. At the weekend she was putting on a show in the house, she had made signs and put a pillow on the floor where her and her little sister had to start off asleep. They were in the middle of playing and a friend was going to be dropped off. He suddenly went mad about the pillow being on the playroom floor and shouted at her to put it away. She argued as they were playing and he started repeatedly screaming at her to put it back where it was. She got all flustered so he screwed up all the pictures she had put up. 5 mins later my friend came with his daughter and the bad mood was completely switched off and he was all smiles and laughter again.

Last night she did something and he screamed at her to go upstairs because she didn't do it straight away he grabbed her round the waist and pushed her really hard upstairs and in her room. I ran up to try and stop him, shouted for him to leave her alone and he lost it with me. Apparently it was my fault as I didn't back him up originally.

Firstly I don't think that if 1 parent is dealing with something the other needs to jump in and deal.with it too, but secondly I often can't back him up as he's wrong anyway.

He'll tell off for doing something which I know she hasn't done.and if I say she hasn't done it he loses it and starts shouting at me.

He has no.issue shouting at me in front of the children or ignoring anything I say to them and either telling them they can or can't do something when I have said the opposite, but apparently I'm.in the wrong for not backing him up when he's telling my daughter off for running down the stairs when she wasn't.

He winds her up.to the point that she either gets angry then he shouts at her, or cries then he laughs at her.

I can't do it any more. He went out last night and I tried calling women's aid but they were busy. I need to leave but the only place I could go is my mum's but it's down the road and he would be straight round.

I don't know if to speak to school to tell them what happened last night? I have no idea what to do, I just know that I need to go.

I hadn't heard of choose.co.uk so I looked it up and it seems to be a price comparison website.
Does your friend have professional knowledge of this area? Do they have a source for that information (other than the screenshotted website)?

Here is a link from a trusted source

rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/PDF-guide-to-living-together-and-the-law.pdf

To stay in the home you would need an occupation order (which I strongly doubt you'll get without evidence, you'd need to report the abuse for starters) and that would only be temporary. Beneficial interest won't get you very far even if you can prove it.

Your best best is to make a homeless application to your local council. You should be high priority for social housing. Your local domestic abuse charity, citizens advice and shelter can all advise/help with doing that if needed.

Your DD doesn't need to move back into the home she shared with an abuser. A new home will give her a fresh start. She needs that plus lots of support, counselling and time.

It also came from a friend whose sister has been in the same situation, she took legal advice and is getting to stay.

You're right though, I need to decide what is in the best interests of my children.

That was from 2010, apparently it has changed really recently.

Something to do with civil partnerships being allowed the same rights as married couples, then that extended to cohabiting couples.

You could ask Shelter as they're the experts on housing law. Or call the free Rights of Women family law helpline.

Thanks, I'll call shelter. It'll be a lot cheaper than asking a lawyer for advice!

"It also came from a friend whose sister has been in the same situation, she took legal advice and is getting to stay."

Exactly the same?

• Not married
• Deeds and mortgage in his name only
• He works, she's a SAHM
• Unreported domestic abuse

All of the above?

Situations are rarely exactly the same and that's why you need professional advice about your own situation.

Yes to the first 3, no abuse at all in the relationship.

I'm going to get professional advice, at the moment I'm just happy at the thought that we may be able to get back into the family home and not spend the foreseeable future at my mum's,

Maybe it's not wise, practical or possible but I'm not even a week into this and everything else is so bloody hard that it's just nice to think that maybe it could happen!

Well it would be a very difficult option, even if it is possible, you'd have to go to court.

The easiest option would be to find somewhere else to live. As a single parent and a victim of domestic abuse you will be high priority for social housing. Being independent is a much better option than living in the house owned by the man who has been abusing you and your children, and having to find somewhere else to live after your youngest turns 18.

Anyway, see what Shelter and/or Rights of Women say.

It was just such a strange reaction. It was as if he kicked me out and i was begging to come home

Not so strange for an abusive man, they always twist the situation so that they are the victim.
On the fun dad issue, Ex was exactly the same and was never angry with the DC only me and literally behind closed doors. When we separated he started to take his anger out on the DC.Conversely I gained energy from not being in such a draining situation so became much more of a fun mum. The DC will see through him.

It would probably be best for all of you to have a fresh start. Do you really want a protracted legal battle? If you aren't married and haven't contributed to the mortgage it will be tricky and stressful to fight him for the house. He does need to contribute to the maintenance of your children though. If I were you I would get a job and find a place to rent as soon as you can, putting him behind you as much as you can. Your children will adjust. If they move back to the home owned by your ex will will hold memories of the past and that might not be helpful to all of you in moving on to a fresh chapter of your life.

Struggling a bit today, spoken to social services and a lawyer so 2 very draining phone calls, I'm not eating properly and I'm just completely drained and emotional.

I'm trying (and failing!) to keep on top of uni work, dealing with 2 children who are struggling a bit, trying to sort my life out and feel like I'm drowning!

The one thing that I had that was helping to rebuild my low confidence and low self esteem, I now can't do and that's really upsetting me. I know it might sound selfish but I know that it would help me so much if I could go back but it's just not possible right now. Hopefully in time I can get back there.

I also need to sort out benefits, I have been a SAHM for 6 years and I know I'll need to look for work but i have no idea what I can do around the children and honestly, I really don't feel capable of it at the moment. I need to be there as much as poss for my children to keep their stability, plus my stress and anxiety levels are through the roof which will have an effect on a long term health condition I have. I have no idea once I get a job how it'll affect me and I can't risk having massive health setbacks as then I will really struggle with family life. Plus I think I'll have to give up my degree (part time and from home) as I won't manage to do everything, and that was going to be my ticket to a better life for me and my girls.

Sorry, having a feeling sorry for myself kind of day here!

Try not to think of the bigger picture at the moment.

Take things hour by hour. We need you to be well.

You need to try and slow down, I know how hard it is. I really do.

Can you look at the freedom project. Maybe 20 mins a day,

Sorry you're struggling OP. It might not feel like it but you are doing brilliantly. This is the hard part and it will get easier.

Please don't worry about getting a job for now. You can apply for benefits and you won't be expected to look for a job, given your situation (just left an abusive relationship) and the ages of your children. You need to apply for Universal Credit and you can start your claim online.

You should also call the Child Benefit helpline if you haven't yet done so, to make sure it's being paid into your individual account (and not the joint one).

Feel free to PM me if you want more detailed benefits advice (I do this for a living btw I'm not just making it up!)

Oh really Emma? I looked online and it said that with a child of 3 you are expected to work or look for work for up to 16 hours so I presumed that was straight away when you claim. If I don't that's a real weight off my mind as I've been stressing about that. I do want to work, but for now I'm just not ready and I'm worried about the effect it could have.

Child benefit is already paid into my account so that's 1 less thing for me to do!

I'll look up the freedom project thanks.

"Tell the DWP within 6 months if you’ve experienced domestic violence or abuse. If you’d rather not talk to your work coach about this you can call the Universal Credit helpline instead.

You won’t need to do any work-related activities for 13 weeks, as long as you no longer live with your partner. The 13 weeks starts from the date you experienced or were threatened with domestic violence or abuse. It’s extended to 26 weeks if you’re a single parent and you’re responsible for a child under 16.

Within a month of telling the DWP, you’ll need to send them a statement from someone in an official position. They could be, for example:
your employer
a healthcare professional
a police officer
a social worker
a housing officer
a support worker
a trade union official

If you’re still living with your partner or you don’t report the domestic violence or abuse, the DWP won’t change your work-related activities."

Also see www.gov.uk/government/publications/domestic-violence-and-abuse-help-from-dwp/help-available-from-the-department-for-work-and-pensions-for-people-who-are-victims-of-domestic-violence-and-abuse#universal-credit

Thank you Emma, that's really helpful. 1 less thing to worry about!

If I wanted to do something like Avon, or do a couple of hours for family every so often would that be a problem?

You're welcome
It wouldn't be a problem at all, you would just have to keep a record of your hours and earnings, and report them each month.

She is 6!!!!

Scoop her up and fucking run, as far away as you can and do not turn back.

Frankly it's fucking disgusting the way he's treating her but you need to step up as her mother before she's screwed up for life

RTFT FFS

Apologies

stress and anxiety levels are through the roof which will have an effect on a long term health condition I have

Make sure you take plenty Vitamin B complex to help with the stress and anxiety.

AnotherEmma is brilliant isn't she?

I think you have to let go of the notion of moving back to the house. He will fight you tooth and claw for this and the aggression outweighs any benefits. Make a fresh start. Get onto the council waiting list. Women's Aid may be able to offer advice. With uni let your personal tutor know that you have a family emergency and see what they can suggest. Defer if necessary.
It's so good for your daughters that you've removed them from that toxic environment. Stay strong.

I personally wouldn't move back to the house particularly when he's so unreasonable and deluded. I've started Avon to help do something for myself and get some positive sense of achievement to help with postnatal depression and anxiety. If you want to chat about it just message me.

Try not go get to overwhelmed by all the things you need to do. Somethings need to happen quickly, others can wait. Yes you need to find a job but in the future, yes would will want to move out of your mums and should register if you want social housing but I'm sure she's happy to have you whilst you and the DCs take a moment to settle and breath.