Final straw last night. Handhold please

[TescoValueUserName]

My relationship has been pretty crap for a while but whether gaslighting has been involved or whether I'm just weak I don't know, but I haven't been able to find the strength.

My self confidence has gone, self esteem is through the floor, but when I went away with just my children and my mum last week I felt different. I realised that I was so much happier and relaxed. I got my confidence back that I could actually make decisions and no one was going to criticise me for them. At home I no longer feel like I can make decisions as I'm either told I'm wrong or overruled.

He is a bully to me, and increasingly our 6 year old. At the weekend she was putting on a show in the house, she had made signs and put a pillow on the floor where her and her little sister had to start off asleep. They were in the middle of playing and a friend was going to be dropped off. He suddenly went mad about the pillow being on the playroom floor and shouted at her to put it away. She argued as they were playing and he started repeatedly screaming at her to put it back where it was. She got all flustered so he screwed up all the pictures she had put up. 5 mins later my friend came with his daughter and the bad mood was completely switched off and he was all smiles and laughter again.

Last night she did something and he screamed at her to go upstairs because she didn't do it straight away he grabbed her round the waist and pushed her really hard upstairs and in her room. I ran up to try and stop him, shouted for him to leave her alone and he lost it with me. Apparently it was my fault as I didn't back him up originally.

Firstly I don't think that if 1 parent is dealing with something the other needs to jump in and deal.with it too, but secondly I often can't back him up as he's wrong anyway.

He'll tell off for doing something which I know she hasn't done.and if I say she hasn't done it he loses it and starts shouting at me.

He has no.issue shouting at me in front of the children or ignoring anything I say to them and either telling them they can or can't do something when I have said the opposite, but apparently I'm.in the wrong for not backing him up when he's telling my daughter off for running down the stairs when she wasn't.

He winds her up.to the point that she either gets angry then he shouts at her, or cries then he laughs at her.

I can't do it any more. He went out last night and I tried calling women's aid but they were busy. I need to leave but the only place I could go is my mum's but it's down the road and he would be straight round.

I don't know if to speak to school to tell them what happened last night? I have no idea what to do, I just know that I need to go.

I'm not strong enough to deal with this. Really don't know how to handle it

Op, you are strong, you’ve done the hardest bit now.

You leaving should be the worst day of his life but he continues to deflect blame onto you, which really says it all.

You are strong and you and your children deserve better - keep telling yourself that.

He's an asshole and you're so much better off without him. Lean on your family and friends and get some legal advice.
Sending you hugs xxx

He's said it's all my fault for not backing him up, no offers to change, just me that needs to do that.

Turning it back on you straight away. You are definitely doing the right thing!

You can do this. You are stronger than you know. Next time you have a wobble, look at your little DD and remember him screaming at her and making her cry.

Keep talking to us.

Start talking to a solicitor tomorrow if you feel strong enough.

What to include in your safety packing list

www.womenshealth.gov/relationships-and-safety/domestic-violence/leaving-abusive-relationship

Benefits calculator

www.entitledto.co.uk

Stay strong, keep breathing. You’re doing this x

You ARE strong enough - your current actions prove it! Make a list of what you need to do (see previous posters' posts) as that will help give you clarity. Tick them off as you do them - that will help give you a sense of achievement and strength to continue. The benefits/Child benefits claim should be high on your list. When you are tempted to give up remember what he's put your child/ren through and do the next thing on the list. 🤗

I think he may think I've only got for the evening and will be back later.

Op. when someone blames you for something they've done, they're simply transferring their behaviour onto you, so that they can absolve themselves of any guilt.

Well good for you for not accepting this anymore. You cannot change him, he has to change himself. Please, please, please don't wait around to see that happen.

My exfather's behaviour did, I'm sure, play a big part in my decision (subconcious) to marry a man very much like him. Once I realised I decided to leave as I didn't want my boy growing up, whilst seeing that misogynistic attitude towards me.

It will be very hard for a few weeks/months as he will probably guilt trip you something rotten, but focus on the life that you want - one free of all this angst, and full of love and fun, peace and normality -

You can do it OP. One day at a time.

Deal with it, a day at a time.

Good luck & hugs for you and children 💐

Good luck OP. You’ve been so brave and strong today

Thanks, I don't feel it!

You have done the right thing, be brave and don't go back

He's said it's all my fault for not backing him up, no offers to change, just me that needs to do that

My dd's ex blamed their four-year-old daughter for his trying to strangle my dd.

Wishing you all the best, you are doing the right thing, OP.

Tesco let me tell you something I have learned from 30 years of marriage to a tosser who seems to be just like your DH. My DD now has mental health issues and has told me that she blames herself for me staying with her Dad. Can you imagine that Tesco? I didn't leave for financial reasons, also because I too was worried he would get weekend access or whatever to kids unsupervised and something would happen, and a couple of times when I was really close to doing it or he'd walked out it was oh poor Daddy!! well, what can you do then?

I tell you what you can do, you can make the decision for them because you are the adult. The hardest one you will ever have to make. My DD says now its her fault that I stayed with him, that is incredibly hard to hear.

@TescoValueUserName - sorry this happened to you. His behaviour is appalling. @Lovethetimeyouhave is right - the DCs will distance themselves as they get older. My oldest DC has a really poor relationship with my DH. The younger one is more conflicted but wouldn't cuddle him the other night. Nothing had happened then. It was obviously because of her feelings towards him.

Women's Aid are worth another go. I had to leave a message but they were great when I spoke to them. Good luck

you've done so very well

OP, ignore any attempts to blame you. They're not true, he's the arsehole and the one to blame here.

I left my ex after more than 30 years. My DC both have mental health issues as a result of being with him, although they are getting better now with help. He sees himself as the victim in all this and is still trying to get me back. No chance, if I went back I'd be walking on a bigger pile of eggshells as he'd manage to twist it round to me being in the wrong. Again.

It took me a few weeks, and then I started to feel such utter relief at not sharing a home with him. And the DC felt that way too. Neither of them have chosen to maintain a relationship with him, I told them it was up to them (mid teens).

Nearly 2 years on, and it's great.

OP, you have a great chance here to help your DC grow up mentally healthy, as well as physically. It might mean taking it day by day right now, but be strong and it will feel better eventually.

@TescoValueUserName Just caught up with the whole thread. Well done OP.

I'm struggling to reply to everyone but I'm reading it all and you're all helping loads. It's especially good to read about people that have come out the other side, either as adults or children.

I don't know any of you but you've all.been amazing, you don't know how much support you have been to me today.

Tesco - for what it is worth I had a father who behaved in a similar way and it has damaged us as children. I used to long for my mother to leave my father. She would talk about it but lacked the nerve. I kind of lost respect for her as a result. I loved my father, but ultimately the damage he did in the family, especially to my brother has been far reaching. My mother wasted many years in a marriage which was making her miserable. You are doing the right thing.

I hope you are ok and I hope you get some sleep tonight OP. You are doing an amazing thing for your children.

I still remember the first few months of confusion and fear after leaving my abusive exH. He was horrible to begin with, but be warned, as his next step will be to tell you that he has realised the error of his ways, he will change, and you are the love of his life. Please don’t fall for it when that happens. For now, keep going. We are here to talk to you and stand by you.

I am 4 years down the line from you now. I have my own house and my own finances and an amazing life, which I never thought possible. My eldest daughter is 11 now and although she still sees her dad she totally sees through him and what he is like. She is happy with the set up now (it took time and effort) and tells me she is so glad that I left her dad and we live the life that we do. You’ll have this too. You are bloody amazing for taking this first step.

Wow - you’ve achieved so much in one day. Sleep well. Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. It’s gonna be good

Right now you're going through the worst bit. It HAS to get harder before it gets easier so unless you're going to stay forever, at some point you're going to have to go through what you're doing now, so it makes sense now you've been so brave and come this far to just grit your teeth and keep going.

You really have shown what a strong amazing mum you are.

He will freak out, he will come round abusively, he will message and ring constantly, he will make threats, he may threaten suicide. He will go through the begging and love bombing stage. You have to remain strong, remember why you've done this and please please believe that you WILL regret going back. Maybe not immediately, but you will. And then you'll have to do this difficult, emotional bit again.

You can do this. Use all the support services that you can, and don't be scared of getting police involved.

Hi @Tesco how are you this morning? Hope you got some sleep.

Just packing and walking out of the house was an amazingly brave step.

Don't go back.

Ignore the bollox he's telling you.

We are all behind you.

A little. Got off quick enough bit then once I was woken up at 3.30 that was it. Girls are at school and playgroup so spending the morning with a friend today which will help