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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Final straw last night. Handhold please

238 replies

TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 07:28

My relationship has been pretty crap for a while but whether gaslighting has been involved or whether I'm just weak I don't know, but I haven't been able to find the strength.

My self confidence has gone, self esteem is through the floor, but when I went away with just my children and my mum last week I felt different. I realised that I was so much happier and relaxed. I got my confidence back that I could actually make decisions and no one was going to criticise me for them. At home I no longer feel like I can make decisions as I'm either told I'm wrong or overruled.

He is a bully to me, and increasingly our 6 year old. At the weekend she was putting on a show in the house, she had made signs and put a pillow on the floor where her and her little sister had to start off asleep. They were in the middle of playing and a friend was going to be dropped off. He suddenly went mad about the pillow being on the playroom floor and shouted at her to put it away. She argued as they were playing and he started repeatedly screaming at her to put it back where it was. She got all flustered so he screwed up all the pictures she had put up. 5 mins later my friend came with his daughter and the bad mood was completely switched off and he was all smiles and laughter again.

Last night she did something and he screamed at her to go upstairs because she didn't do it straight away he grabbed her round the waist and pushed her really hard upstairs and in her room. I ran up to try and stop him, shouted for him to leave her alone and he lost it with me. Apparently it was my fault as I didn't back him up originally.

Firstly I don't think that if 1 parent is dealing with something the other needs to jump in and deal.with it too, but secondly I often can't back him up as he's wrong anyway.

He'll tell off for doing something which I know she hasn't done.and if I say she hasn't done it he loses it and starts shouting at me.

He has no.issue shouting at me in front of the children or ignoring anything I say to them and either telling them they can or can't do something when I have said the opposite, but apparently I'm.in the wrong for not backing him up when he's telling my daughter off for running down the stairs when she wasn't.

He winds her up.to the point that she either gets angry then he shouts at her, or cries then he laughs at her.

I can't do it any more. He went out last night and I tried calling women's aid but they were busy. I need to leave but the only place I could go is my mum's but it's down the road and he would be straight round.

I don't know if to speak to school to tell them what happened last night? I have no idea what to do, I just know that I need to go.

OP posts:
Passing4Human · 27/02/2019 09:50

Well done OP. What you've done will start things moving, as will everyone you tell. Telling people is so important. Also, people truly aren't stupid - if a friend told me that this was going on and she was leaving, irrespective of what a "great dad" he appeared to be on the surface, I would 100% believe my friend. People know that these men are arch manipulators.

AnotherEmma · 27/02/2019 09:51

Well done for talking to the school. Glad you're going to your mum's.

Is child benefit paid into his account or yours?
Do you work or are you a SAHM? As soon as you leave him, you will be entitled to claim benefits (assuming no/low income and savings not over the threshold). Obviously it's not a huge amount of money but it will help to tide you over.

DavetheCat2001 · 27/02/2019 09:56

Just adding my 'good luck' to the pot OP.

Sounds as if you are doing all the right things, and you will look back on this in the future and be so very glad you left this pathetic excuse for a man.

x

DarlingNikita · 27/02/2019 09:57

He's despicable.

I've no new advice, sorry, but there's loads of good suggestions here. I just wanted to say I'm standing with you.

Mrsmummy90 · 27/02/2019 09:58

Well done for taking the first step!

He is a bully and you're doing the right thing in leaving.
My father was aggressive and even though we have a great relationship now (he's calmed down in his old age), I still resent him for how he was and I have lasting emotional scars from his behaviour. I adore my mum but I've also resented her for not protecting me and it sometimes bubbles up to the surface.

You are doing the right thing here in protecting your children and putting them first and one day they will thank you for it. You are an amazing mum.

Babdoc · 27/02/2019 09:58

Well done for taking those vital first steps, OP. Telling the school and your mum - that’s shining some much needed daylight onto the abuse. You’ll feel much stronger and more supported when you’re not struggling alone in secrecy.
Getting away from this abuser is essential for you and your children.
In the short term, the priority is getting a safe place to live and organising some income. Longer term, please consider some counselling and/or the Freedom program, to make sure you don’t repeat this pattern with future partners. Some poor women are attracted to abusive codependent relationships and suffer for a lifetime. Don’t be one of them.
Sending you a hug, and my prayers for a much happier tomorrow for you and the children.

LizzieSiddal · 27/02/2019 10:08

So glad you are letting people know what is happening.

SS and school will help you, let your mum look after you for now and if he turns up shouting and threatening phone 999.

As others have said, your DC may well seem that they 'adore' him, they have learnt to behave this way, otherwise they know they are in danger of being shouted at and even pushed. You will be behaving this way too-treading on egg shells. x

Honeypickle · 27/02/2019 10:13

Well done and good luck x

Motoko · 27/02/2019 10:14

You've done well. If his abuse to you and the children is documented by the relevant agencies, he'd probably only get supervised access to the children. He may even not be allowed access at all. So don't worry yet about him having them.

As you're not married, I'm not sure a solicitor will be needed, as you're not on the house deeds, and you're not divorcing. But Women's Aid will be able to advise about this, so do keep trying to get in touch with them.

Good luck.

FlamingoFlamenco · 27/02/2019 10:17

It wouldn't be fair on them as they adore him

No they don't, they're just trying to please and appease him - I've been there my lovely, I know.

Please take the very good advice that you have been given here and get away from him towards a better life.

Flowers for you.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 27/02/2019 10:22

Well done, OP, for speaking to the school and your mum.

When you are packing, take all important documents - passports, birth certificates, insurance/pension docs if you have them. Assume that you may never set foot in your home again and pack accordingly.

Contact Women's Aid - or google "Domestic Abuse" and your county to find out what support is available locally. Contact the police on the non emergency number and log that you have left an abusive relationship, and where you are going to be. They will know to respond quickly if anything escalates. Getting this kind of support can also support a legal aid application if you are financially eligible.

You can apply to the court for a non molestation order if he harrasses you at your mum's house. You do not need a solicitor for this, but if you are eligible for legal aid it will cover this.

Lean on all the support you can get. It is a tough time - I know - but you have made the most important step.

TheFaerieQueene · 27/02/2019 10:23

Well done OP. Keep strong. Your DC will thank you one day.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/02/2019 10:41

Have you agreed with school / nursery if you little one is in nursery that only you get to pick your dcs up? He’s controlling. Just trying to pre-empt something he may try.

Lahlahfizzyfizzydoda · 27/02/2019 10:41

Well done OP.

I would also pack anything of yours that you can sell if needed. Also, could you call your mum/friend to come over and help you?

Troels · 27/02/2019 10:52

Can you talk to the local Police incase he does get nasty and start coming to your Mums house? I think they flag up the house number and will come quickly if things escalate (or something like that I've read it on here that others needed to do this)
Also if possible take proof of his income, so you have that for child support and also make sure child benifit is being paid into your account.
Good luck, we're all behind you.

lmusic87 · 27/02/2019 11:02

Good Luck OP, you are amazing xxx

Jaxinthebox · 27/02/2019 11:02

wishing you good luck, its not easy leaving, but it is the best thing for you and your DC.

nowheretorunorhide · 27/02/2019 11:21

Well done on taking the first steps. I'm trying to leave an abusive man I live with too and understand how hard it is. It's amazing what you notice when your eyes have finally been open to it. Good luck

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 11:23

He'll quit his job once I leave so I doubt I'll need proof of income.

School and nursery have both said that they can't stop him collecting them, although nursery will get the ones that have never seen him before to go to the door and say they don't know him so can't release our youngest.

Need to work out how best to tell him we've gone, and what to tell my eldest after school

OP posts:
Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 11:23

Thanks for everyone's support, it really is helping (want to put a very unmumsnetty kiss in here but won't!)

OP posts:
MulticolourMophead · 27/02/2019 11:29

OP, get the abuse on record, make an appointment with the GP. You can ask for counselling to help you, and talk about the abuse as well.

Any money that should be coming to you, eg child benefit, etc, should be in your account. If it's coming into his account, this needs changing as the benefit should go to the primary carer (it's not him).

There are sites like turn2us who can help calculate what benefits you're entitled to once you leave, as well. You council may be able to advise on housing too.

NannyRed · 27/02/2019 11:29

Your h is a bully and an arse. I hope you and your child can get away from this toxic relationship.

See a solicitor and get that ball rolling, cut him out of your lives.

Flowers Brew CakeWine and massive hugs to you.

The next year will be difficult but I promise you will feel so much happier once you have cut this deadwood out of your life. You always have us, your mumsnet friends to fall back on to for support. All the best to you sweetheart, I know exactly what you’re going through. Please get rid of him.

JessieMcJessie · 27/02/2019 11:29

Well done and good luck. Why will he quit his job?

lmusic87 · 27/02/2019 11:30

Do you have any other relatives who could help you?

DishingOutDone · 27/02/2019 11:31

OP you have done brilliantly - I am in awe of you. Its going to be hard but you are on it now. Get advice from Women's Aid and if necessary think about a refuge, at the beginning of the Relationships thread is a pinned post about going into a refuge; I wish I had the guts to have done it. You must go to the police and tell them you are scared you must log this today please.

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