Final straw last night. Handhold please

[TescoValueUserName]

My relationship has been pretty crap for a while but whether gaslighting has been involved or whether I'm just weak I don't know, but I haven't been able to find the strength.

My self confidence has gone, self esteem is through the floor, but when I went away with just my children and my mum last week I felt different. I realised that I was so much happier and relaxed. I got my confidence back that I could actually make decisions and no one was going to criticise me for them. At home I no longer feel like I can make decisions as I'm either told I'm wrong or overruled.

He is a bully to me, and increasingly our 6 year old. At the weekend she was putting on a show in the house, she had made signs and put a pillow on the floor where her and her little sister had to start off asleep. They were in the middle of playing and a friend was going to be dropped off. He suddenly went mad about the pillow being on the playroom floor and shouted at her to put it away. She argued as they were playing and he started repeatedly screaming at her to put it back where it was. She got all flustered so he screwed up all the pictures she had put up. 5 mins later my friend came with his daughter and the bad mood was completely switched off and he was all smiles and laughter again.

Last night she did something and he screamed at her to go upstairs because she didn't do it straight away he grabbed her round the waist and pushed her really hard upstairs and in her room. I ran up to try and stop him, shouted for him to leave her alone and he lost it with me. Apparently it was my fault as I didn't back him up originally.

Firstly I don't think that if 1 parent is dealing with something the other needs to jump in and deal.with it too, but secondly I often can't back him up as he's wrong anyway.

He'll tell off for doing something which I know she hasn't done.and if I say she hasn't done it he loses it and starts shouting at me.

He has no.issue shouting at me in front of the children or ignoring anything I say to them and either telling them they can or can't do something when I have said the opposite, but apparently I'm.in the wrong for not backing him up when he's telling my daughter off for running down the stairs when she wasn't.

He winds her up.to the point that she either gets angry then he shouts at her, or cries then he laughs at her.

I can't do it any more. He went out last night and I tried calling women's aid but they were busy. I need to leave but the only place I could go is my mum's but it's down the road and he would be straight round.

I don't know if to speak to school to tell them what happened last night? I have no idea what to do, I just know that I need to go.

Well done OP, you’re so brave. Stay strong, don’t go back no matter what he says. He’ll beg, cry, plead, make promises he won’t keep. He’ll get angry and make threats when you don’t do as he says. But just don’t go back, you’ve taken the biggest step. Your kids need you to protect them and as others have said they don’t adore him, they are finding a way cope to live with his abuse.

Well done, stay strong

Prepare yourself with what you are going to say to him when he turns on the charm or cries or threatens.

Honestly why on earth do such men think it's ok to ruin other people's lives and then blame their victims?

Please stay strong and reach out to everyone who can help you.

A couple of the things that are really common when they're at the angry phase of trying to get you back, are calling you "mental", and threatening to get full time custody of the children (because you're not a fit mother).

This frightens many women into staying, because they fear losing the children. But even though he might take you to court, he'd never get full custody, because you've been the main caregiver, and the courts try to keep the children from too much upheaval.

And he won't actually want full custody, because it would mean he has all the hassles that come with raising children full time, but he'll use it as a way to control you.

I don't know what to tell the girls. My youngest won't really understand but my eldest needs to be told something. I just said we were having a sleepover at nana's last night, I don't know what to tell her now though.

He has messaged me asking if I'm coming home tonight. Scared of his reaction when I say no. I am going to tell him that if I do I could be implicated too and that the girls could end up being taken away from both of us, but he genuinely doesn't see that he's done anything wrong. I've spoken to his brother and apparently this is exactly how his dad was when they were growing up. Explains why he doesn't see that what he's doing is wrong.

What have you actually told him so far? Does he know you’ve left him?

I said that I've gone to mum's for a while, he took it at first as meaning for a couple of hours, now he's asked if I'm back tonight.

I've not handled it well but I'm scared of his reaction when I say

Well, you will need to tell him. Can you send a text saying that you’ve realised it’s over and it’s best if you aren’t with him any more?

Perhaps it’s best to tell him with someone else present or whilst you are at a safe place.

Have you considered asking the police to be present when you tell him? Or asking them to deliver the news?

I’m sorry you are going through this

I would say tread carefully.

He will realise that you've taken more stuff than you need for one night.

Also, bear in mind that whatever you say via text can be kept and used as 'evidence' to show you in a bad light if you're not honest now.

It's kind of forced your hand a bit though.

Could you just tell him 'No, not tonight, I'll be in touch in a few days.' You don't need to say anything more than that at this point.

Can you not reply to him

" No, I told you I needed some space and I have decided that I won't be returning"

Have you managed to talk to Women's Aid yet? If not I suggest you try one more time before you tell him anything.

When you do tell him, make sure you're in a safe place (eg at your Mum's with all the doors locked) and not alone (ideally your Mum should be in) and send him a brief factual message "I am not coming back, I have decided to leave you, and I am seeking advice regarding contact arrangements for the DCs."

The main thing is *do not try and explain or justify yourself", he will just argue with you, do not engage in anything he says, be a broken record if necessary, tell him it's not up for discussion, you will discuss arrangements for the children and nothing else, block him if necessary.

I think the longer you wait to tell him the weaker you appear. You need to send him an unequivocal reply.
‘I will not be returning. Our marriage is over. I have taken legal advice and my solicitor will be in touch.’

Oops, bold fail

"I have taken legal advice and my solicitor will be in touch."

But she hasn't and they won't!

Thinking of you OP. I'm trying to get the guts to leave too, but right now I have no where to go.

Rooting for you Tesco, imagine how settled things will be a year from now. You just have to get through this day by day and then you get to start building your own new life.

@certainlymerry no need, not married and house is his.

OP you just need to be brave, you are safe. Just send a firm short text with no emotion that you will not be returning. If he turns up at your mums, do not open the door...if he kicks office just call the police.

Look at the freedom programme OP.

Think about why you are scared to tell him.

Think about how he ruined that lovely little girls play, that she had spent time planning and was so proud to show you. But she never got to show you. She ripped all the pictures up because her effort was worthless. That is fucking heartbreaking.

Then to make her cry so he can laugh at her is beyond comprehension. Who plans to do that to a child?

Imagine him shouting and pulling a mate around, until they retaliated.

Op, if it helps, when my parents separated when I was 8 it was honestly a relief. The worst bit was watching my mum sob and sob whilst telling me - I only cried because she was crying so hard, then I felt I I'd to force my emotions down so she would my cry even more. My childhood was total shit, but leaving my dad was the absolute best decision for us.

You could tell the kids that you and daddy aren't happy any more, so you've had to split up. Stress that it isn't anything they've done to cause it.
Do they have any friends with separated parents? If they do, you could point out that it happens, just like "Jane's" mummy and daddy, etc.

There are probably children's books on the subject too, that you could get them to help explain it.

The important thing is not to say anything bad about their dad. Much as it's hard not to!

Reply to his text, telling him you've left and won't be back, then switch your phone off, because he will bombard you with calls and texts, trying to get you to go round "to talk things through". There's no need to have a discussion. He can email you about arrangements for the children.

If he comes round, don't answer the door. If he causes a scene, call the police.

Then to make her cry so he can laugh at her is beyond comprehension. Who plans to do that to a child?

My mother. I recognise so much of this from my own childhood - from both parents.

Tesco how I wish someone had had the strength to do what you are doing when I was a child. It might not feel like it now, but it really is for the best and you children may never realise just how much they have to thank you for when they are older. But what you are doing now is showing them that they are important and that you value them over the easy decision.

Stay strong and sending much love

Stay strong OP, and stay away! you only need to fear his reaction if you are in the vicinity of it. If he kicks off and comes round, phone the police. Turn off your phone. Contact Women's Aid.

But above all, stay away. Nothing is worth going back for; not your 'love' for him, not your kids 'love' for him. And make no mistake, the kids do NOT adore him. They don't know any different! If they had the choice of a loving, gentle father , or this monster who wrecks their loving actions and tears up their hard work, and pushes them about, which would they choose?

You know which is better for them. And NO father is better than this thug who intimidates them, no matter how much me makes them laugh once in a while when he's in a good mood and wants to play 'Best Daddy'.
And I agree with a PP who said they have probably learned how to be 'adoring' to prevent him kicking off at them. They will grow up to be total people men pleasers, because that's what they learned, early on.

Ok. Well no one saw this one coming. Everyone said he would be begging me to come home, promising to change?

How about putting conditions on me coming home. I have to get a job (currently a SAHM which I know will have to change as a single parent), do more round the house and contribute financially.

He thinks I do nothing round the house, it's no show home and yes I could always do more but we had very different standards. He thinks the children have far too much stuff and wants to chuck most of it out.

He doesn't see his behaviour as an issue, and also said that he knows the relationship is dead and we are only together for the children.

It's a tempting offer isn't it!

OMG!!! Talk about an offer you can't refuse...

Who does he think he is?

I'm obviously packing to go right now!