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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Final straw last night. Handhold please

238 replies

TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 07:28

My relationship has been pretty crap for a while but whether gaslighting has been involved or whether I'm just weak I don't know, but I haven't been able to find the strength.

My self confidence has gone, self esteem is through the floor, but when I went away with just my children and my mum last week I felt different. I realised that I was so much happier and relaxed. I got my confidence back that I could actually make decisions and no one was going to criticise me for them. At home I no longer feel like I can make decisions as I'm either told I'm wrong or overruled.

He is a bully to me, and increasingly our 6 year old. At the weekend she was putting on a show in the house, she had made signs and put a pillow on the floor where her and her little sister had to start off asleep. They were in the middle of playing and a friend was going to be dropped off. He suddenly went mad about the pillow being on the playroom floor and shouted at her to put it away. She argued as they were playing and he started repeatedly screaming at her to put it back where it was. She got all flustered so he screwed up all the pictures she had put up. 5 mins later my friend came with his daughter and the bad mood was completely switched off and he was all smiles and laughter again.

Last night she did something and he screamed at her to go upstairs because she didn't do it straight away he grabbed her round the waist and pushed her really hard upstairs and in her room. I ran up to try and stop him, shouted for him to leave her alone and he lost it with me. Apparently it was my fault as I didn't back him up originally.

Firstly I don't think that if 1 parent is dealing with something the other needs to jump in and deal.with it too, but secondly I often can't back him up as he's wrong anyway.

He'll tell off for doing something which I know she hasn't done.and if I say she hasn't done it he loses it and starts shouting at me.

He has no.issue shouting at me in front of the children or ignoring anything I say to them and either telling them they can or can't do something when I have said the opposite, but apparently I'm.in the wrong for not backing him up when he's telling my daughter off for running down the stairs when she wasn't.

He winds her up.to the point that she either gets angry then he shouts at her, or cries then he laughs at her.

I can't do it any more. He went out last night and I tried calling women's aid but they were busy. I need to leave but the only place I could go is my mum's but it's down the road and he would be straight round.

I don't know if to speak to school to tell them what happened last night? I have no idea what to do, I just know that I need to go.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 27/02/2019 11:53

Oh OP, you have done a fantastic job this morning, also in a very unmumsnetty way I feel really proud of you!

You've 100% done the right thing for you and your lovely DC's, today is the first day of the rest of your life.

DarlingNikita · 27/02/2019 11:53

JessieMcJessie, maybe to try to avoid paying child support.

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 11:55

He'll quit his job because he's a lazy fucker and is only in it because I'm a SAHM. He won't care once I've gone.

Just packing now, running round the house frantically throwing things in!

OP posts:
Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 11:56

He hates his job and wants to quit so he can take one nearer to home on much less pay. Apparently an hour's commute is just too much, even though he gets to spend his day watching films and playing games on facebook

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 27/02/2019 12:09

Make sure you pack your passports, birth certificates etc for the kids.
Put in a benefits claim this afternoon. Ring re Child Benefit - he is not entitled if the kids are with you so make sure it is being paid to you.

You need to see a solicitor and get the ball rolling. If you can face it report him to the police for what he did to your daughter yesterday. You need to to this as soon as possible as it will be part of why you would be asking for supervised visits and ensuring that they live with you/come home to you after visits. As things stand he is as able to keep them legally as you are to take them so you need to get something in place before you let them go back to somewhere he can take them ideally. School will likely have already started that ball rolling if they are in contact with SS over the incident.

Good Luck!

Raspberry10 · 27/02/2019 12:11

Make sure you get all your documentation and the girls passports etc. Sending you strength!!

DaffydownClock · 27/02/2019 13:11

Of course your DCs don't adore him; they're desperately trying to appease him so as to not incur his abuse!
Poor children, they don't stand a chance while he's around.

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 13:17

Before anyone says it, I'm not justifying it or making excuses.

He is only the person I've written about here 5% of the time. The rest of the time he's the fun parent, the one that plays silly games and takes them to the park and doesnt tire of running round playing silly games. They laugh more with him than they ever do with me. That's the part that they adore, obviously not the 5% with the explosive temper.

That 5% is too much though, it should be 0% and that's why I'm going. They won't miss grumpy daddy but they really will miss the fun one.

His moods are so extreme I've wondered if he may be bipolar but he can control them when others are around so I don't think he is.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 27/02/2019 13:19

One thing at a time.

Your priority now is to make sure you take all the essentials: birth certificates, passports, and if you know where he keeps his paperwork and can find a recent payslip, take a photo of it.
Also take any sentimental items and favourite toys that you and the children would miss.

Once you have finished packing and you're at your mum's, keep trying to ring women's aid. If he turns up at your mum's or contacts you and is abusive or threatening, please call the police.

The next thing on the list is calling the child benefit office to get payments made to your account, and to start claiming other benefits (probably universal credit as it should have been introduced in your area). But I think that can wait until tomorrow!

Keep going, OP, you're doing the right thing and we're with you every step of the way.

combatbarbie · 27/02/2019 13:20

This was a small part of a bigger problem in my childhood. I can assure you, your DD does not adore him.

Your absolutely doing the right thing and do not buckle when he starts the I'll change routine. Def done the right thing telling school/nursery too.

Obviously make sure you've got birth certs etc and once you've had 5 mins to breath start a list.

Women's Aid for Freedom programme
HMRC for CB and review of benefits now as a single parent
Council/HA
Change banking etc to your mums address
Remove your name/cancel and utilities you pay for.

There will be more but it's a start. Good luck x

combatbarbie · 27/02/2019 13:20

There was paragraphs 🤔

AnotherEmma · 27/02/2019 13:20

Cross post. You're right it's not bipolar if he can control it! It's classic abuse. When the dust settles you might find it interesting to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

combatbarbie · 27/02/2019 13:22

And initiate the Maintenance claim!

AnotherEmma · 27/02/2019 13:24

"Change banking etc to your mums address
Remove your name/cancel and utilities you pay for."

Good points. Re change of address, you could notify bank and set up redirection with Royal Mail.

AnotherEmma · 27/02/2019 13:24

Oh yes child maintenance! It's a long list 🙈

KennyCalmIt · 27/02/2019 13:38

You’re amazing OP Flowers

Don’t forget to pack any pictures or sentimental things you want to keep such as pictures of the kids when they were babies or even old clothes and toys etc.

Grumpelstilskin · 27/02/2019 13:48

Good luck OP! Pretty much echo what others said. In essence, pack anything that you might miss or need, making the assumption that you may not be able to get it at a later stage. You want to be able to stay away and not be forced into any awkward position to try and retrieve more things with him holding you to ransom over it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2019 15:19

Great progress @Tesco keep packing and let us know when you're at your Mum's.

Maybe keep phone to hand in case he starts hammering on the door and shouting? You could record it to show police if need be. Good luck! You are doing the right thing for your DC and yourself. Flowers

lmusic87 · 27/02/2019 15:42

I agree with all of the above, my thoughts are with you OP!

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 15:59

I'm here now, got both children here and told them we're having a sleep over.

Still not told him but going to say I need some time away after his behaviour

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/02/2019 16:16

Great that you are out. Also good idea to position is as just 'some time away' for now.

Be prepared for an onslaught of 'I'm sorry... I can change...' bullshit. And it WILL be bullshit, just to reel you back in. Stay strong.

FlamingoFlamenco · 27/02/2019 16:47

Well done OP. Stay safe, stay strong! Flowers

Holidayshopping · 27/02/2019 16:52

Well done, OP.

LizzieSiddal · 27/02/2019 16:53

Glad you are safe. Tell your mum everything and keep strong for you and your children.

Original poster
TescoValueUserName · 27/02/2019 16:59

I've said that what happened isn't ok and I have gone to mum's for some space and to think. I said his moods are getting worse.

He's said it's all my fault for not backing him up, no offers to change, just me that needs to do that.

Feel sick. I just want to wake up from the nightmare

OP posts:
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