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Original poster

Online dating fiasco. No need to end, but it has

154 replies

Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 00:38

I posted in Dec - dating 8 mths. Thought we were blissfully happy, saw app mssge flash on his phone. Spoke to b/f, turned out he'd been an idiot, was in love with me, just hadn't felt able to delete apps. I believed, although was v hurt. We had had the best 8 mths or so.

8 weeks later it feels wrong now, not like before, I feel on thin ice. I finally spoke to him tonight - I hate confrontation. Seems like it might be over. He said I should have binned him in Dec if I couldn't get over it. I've been nervy & anxious since (I have, on and off) and that has an effect. He's right.

I think it's over, the magic went when I saw the message and I've not got over it. I should have. Back in Dec he loved me, the online stuff was nothing, I've ruined it since by hiding my hurt so badly and expecting him to pay. Feel like sh*t. In my 50s, first amazing relationship I've ever had and I've destroyed it.

Middle of the night; no-one to talk to and feeling sad. MN always seem to offer such wise words...

OP posts:
TooOldForThis67 · 27/02/2019 00:58

Didn't want to read and run. Am off to bed in a mo.
I would feel like you did. You had every right to expect you were exclusive and he was off the apps. Whatever excuse he gave you, he knew he was still on the apps and therefore not as invested as you in the relationship. I understand why the dynamics changed for you. It's not your fault. You have potentially dodged a bullet as most likely he was still looking for the 'next best thing' to come along, no disrespect to you. I think you are better off out of it. You didn't destroy it, he did.
Take a bit of time out of dating to reflect on the relationship and I bet you'll find it wasn't as great as you thought. Sorry this has happened. Flowers

Olikingcharles · 27/02/2019 01:15

It's shit feeling sad. I understand the hiding of feelings i do it too. Still am in my current situation. I also understand the feeling nervy and anxious same here. What happened here would've made me feel the same as you have. I don't think you destroyed it although i can understand why you think you did. I'm probably going to do the same shortly with my hot/cold man. Be kind to yourself and don't be so hard on you. I too am in my 50's and am feeling pretty rubbish about things. This dating thing is so hard especially when you think you have found a good one and all goes to crap...Sorry this has happened. Hugs to you.

ErrmWTAF · 27/02/2019 01:16

Have you been advised to read Chumplady? If not, do.

I truly believe you didn't "ruin" it. He just thought he could get away with it and you'd never complain. But you know your worth and it's better than that.

LifeCasting · 27/02/2019 01:19

Poor you. I hate this middle of night feeling.

Whenever they keep (dating?) apps open, it’s like they are keeping a door open for other possibilities. Not a nice feeling, especially if they are trying to make you feel exclusive.

Big hugs, OP M, hope you can sort it.

hinely · 27/02/2019 01:22

That's the problem with OLD - makes it v easy for men to continue 'trying' new people in the background whilst carrying on in a relationship. If you're using these apps then you have to accept the chance that this will happen is much higher and be ready to scoop the mess into the drain and move on. If course that's hard when you've emotionally invested so much. There's nothing you can do other than being strong and moving on as quickly as you can and cutting any contact with him. And keep on meeting new people via OLD and real life.

pixel2103 · 27/02/2019 01:41

It happens sometimes but you need to monitor your spouse phone without touching it. Some hackers can do that for you, to safe your relationship

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 01:48

Thank you so much for replies. Had dozed off but wide awake again, heart pounding. I'm so angry with myself as he'd done nothing with the apps, he's so straight and decent etc. But it's how I've chosen to behave since that's screwed everything up. I've not been honest and said anything, but have sort of hidden hurt, but badly so I'm a sort of prickly martyr. So I've completely f**d up something that was amazing.

Done this to myself.......

OP posts:
IM0GEN · 27/02/2019 02:01

If he was that straight and decent he would have deleted the apps. Especially when he saw how upset you were in December.

It’s how HE has chosen to behave that’s screwed up everything, he’s not been honest with you.

You’ve dodged a bullet.

LifeCasting · 27/02/2019 02:06

Totally agree with previous poster. It’s him, not you.
Look after yourself, OP Flowers

k1233 · 27/02/2019 02:46

Yes, he's done the wrong thing. You can't change the past and how you reacted. What you can do is make a promise to yourself that, next time something upsets you, you acknowledge your feelings and discuss them with the relevant party at the time. I'm like you. Keep it all in and then explode totally disproportionately to some minor thing. Makes me look irrational, when in reality it is the result of a build up of lots of things that have upset me over a period of time. So these days, as much as I hate confrontation, I bring up issues. In a non confrontational way... More this has happened and i am unhappy because xyz. That leads to conversations and stops the whatifs.

ColeHawlins · 27/02/2019 02:53

He's manipulating you.

Of course the apps weren't innocent.

You didn't ruin anything. He did.

He's making you feel to blame now as a diversion.

He's pretending to dump you so that, in a day or two, when he decides to "give you another chance", you'll feel pathetically grateful.

Don't fall for it.

mamansnet · 27/02/2019 03:18

"He hadn't felt able to delete apps"

How odd. Surely when you fall in love, you stop looking?

He's most likely been having notifications the entire time you were together, OP. It's not like he suddenly had a one-off in December.

Yours is a perfectly natural reaction and you're right to feel hurt. He's a shit for trying to convince you it's your fault. Run.

JustAnotherPoster00 · 27/02/2019 03:22

For me I think it would have depended on how long he’s had the app, if he’s had it a while perhaps he’s into the habit of checking it, sounds like a shit position to be in sorry OP

lottielady · 27/02/2019 03:27

It’s not you, it’s him.

And you haven’t been happy, that’s why you’ve been prickly.

Sometimes your gut instinct takes over when your ‘rational’ mind wants to explain things away to keep the status quo.

It’s done you a favour in this case.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 05:33

Awake again. So kind of people to reply. The apps are a red herring in this bit of the story really. It happened, they're all deleted, it was over and he was spending time with me because he wanted to.

But I've had a rough relationship history, and a tendency to be v v insecure and before app discovery I was so happy and confident. But it was resolved, genuinely, but I've not got over it and that's why I feel so sh*t. The problem now is that I'm nervous and it screams out and so this problem is all of my own making and I'm so angry with myself that I've done this.

I've just got no peace of mind. I had a choice how to deal with it and I became brittle. I could have carried on enjoying what we had.

I don't even know if it's over. It was a long late complicated conversation. He wants to go out with me cares abt me but it's hard with feeling I'm nervous around him. Which it would be, I wouldn't like it at all.

Feels like it's broken and neither of us want it to be.......

Splitting headache and no sleep....bcks......

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 27/02/2019 05:38

When and why did you delete your dating app?

Tiddleypops · 27/02/2019 05:47

It was very disrespectful of him and despite the fact that you called him out on that, he cleaned up his apps etc, it doesn't actually undo the fact that he disrespected you in the first place. You trusted him, he hurt you.
That's why you are feeling unsure I'd imagine, and that's his fault, not yours.

coffeechoc · 27/02/2019 05:48

I think you're being hard on yourself OP.
I also think if you have explained the history to him and he genuinely wants to be with you know, he'd work through it with you. Not blame you. Also think you're unfairly blaming yourself. Take a breather, what will be will be. If you've explained and he's gone cold, he may just not be that into it. In which case, it's a blessing you find out now Flowers

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 05:49

I met him as my subscription was coming to an end, so wasn't an issue for me. But I can see that at the beginning you see how things go and don't shut everything down straight away

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 27/02/2019 05:53

It was eight months, though, right? That's not "the beginning".

If it was a genuine mistake, and he was a genuine man, he'd have spent the weeks since December trying to put you at ease and earn your trust, not berating you for being uneasy and edgy.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 05:54

He's not tried to say I'm wrong to have been upset, but the issue now is how we are with each other and I've driven that. I could have had the best thing that ever happened to me, but I've ruined it by being insecure. Everyone knows insecurity drives people away. I'm proof it does.....

OP posts:
ColeHawlins · 27/02/2019 05:57

"The best thing you ever had"? He's just a man. There are lots of men in the world. I'm sure he's a very charming man. Men who try to put women on the back foot usually are. But this isn't a lottery win or a once in a lifetime opportunity of some sort.

Why are you so convinced that this man is a prize like no other?

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 05:59

Sounds silly I know, but we were so good together. Just got each other. Never had a relationship like it.

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 27/02/2019 06:02

There's cognitive dissonance here because of what your intuition has told you is true and what he (and your heart) wants you to believe is true.

Your intuition is a messenger. You've listened to it, and in my opinion, rightly.

FWIW, I wouldn't have got past the 'didn't feel able to delete the apps' comment either. It's bullshit. You know it is.

He's no prize.

ColeHawlins · 27/02/2019 06:03

Then it's even odder that he didn't delete the app and all its annoying notifications, isn't it?

He's probably very good at mirroring women.

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