Online dating fiasco. No need to end, but it has

[Noimaginationxyzz]

I posted in Dec - dating 8 mths. Thought we were blissfully happy, saw app mssge flash on his phone. Spoke to b/f, turned out he'd been an idiot, was in love with me, just hadn't felt able to delete apps. I believed, although was v hurt. We had had the best 8 mths or so.

8 weeks later it feels wrong now, not like before, I feel on thin ice. I finally spoke to him tonight - I hate confrontation. Seems like it might be over. He said I should have binned him in Dec if I couldn't get over it. I've been nervy & anxious since (I have, on and off) and that has an effect. He's right.

I think it's over, the magic went when I saw the message and I've not got over it. I should have. Back in Dec he loved me, the online stuff was nothing, I've ruined it since by hiding my hurt so badly and expecting him to pay. Feel like sh*t. In my 50s, first amazing relationship I've ever had and I've destroyed it.

Middle of the night; no-one to talk to and feeling sad. MN always seem to offer such wise words...

sothishappened and ColeHawlins you are both right. The weird thing is I do trust him; I know the online thing is done with. But my bigger issue has become that me being out of sorts didn't trigger a desire to make sure I was ok. That said, I think we were both at fault to the same degree there. We both knew something should be said and neither said anything. A lesson in the importance of communication....

Definitely a lesson in the importance of communication. Tbh, I personally wouldn't have even attempted to accept the explanation or the apology - but that's just me.

But yes, I agree that, going forward he was not the man for you.

I think we were both at fault to the same degree there.

Well open communication is always best but what do you think is the root of you feeling unable to address it? Because, if someone shut me down or made me feel that I was being unreasonable, I'm not sure I'd be able to address something so 'intimate' either. I think the onus was on him to address it. If I'd upset someone, I'd take responsibility for putting it right. Wouldn't you?

sothishappened I think it's past relationships that made me wary of raising things because it would be met with silence or rows, so I learned not to. In fairness in this instance it was a lengthy and calm conversation, so probably something I could have raised weeks ago. I can't say in all honesty if I'm completely at the stage yet where I think he is not for me. I still feel (and I probably need to catch up with my head) that we should work through this and learn to be better, but I equally always feel that people don't change.

Well, ultimately, it's up to you. I would not want to be with someone who, 8 months into an exclusive relationship, was still using dating apps - whatever his reasoning was.

Like I said, I've been seeing someone for 4 months and we are exclusive. If I found that he was keeping an eye on other women elsewhere, I'd walk away. I'd rather be single than feel that I was compromising on my expectations and, as far as expectations go, that's a pretty basic one.

sothishappened.....fair point well made.......

Ive tried to read this but i just get this overwhelming sense of negativity about yourself and so keen to put yourself down and venerate this man.

If it was a worthwhile relationship it wouldn't be so easy to destroy. He'd want to be with you. I honestly cant see how he gers caught out on dating apps translates into "you're too insecure and i cant be with g you"

zennudist, I know. But I think the issue is that historically I was very fragile. The dating app thing was over and done with & genuinely not as bad as it sounds. Bit it flipped me back to a very brittle side of me. I thought old issues were gone, but I guess they resurface quickly if the right buttons are pushed.

The mumsnet support and practical suggestions has been invaluable to me in trying to see things more clearly

& actually if strangers (& you're not the first on here) pick up on an overwhelming sense of negativity from me, with the best will in the world, that's hard work to be around. And of course in RL I cover it up, when it surfaces, but in a relationship when there's an issue, it will be very evident

Thing is, even if you are hard work to be around, he shouldn't have done what he did.

What he should have thought is, "this is a lovely woman and I really like her but her relationship needs are incompatible with mine" (or words to that effect!! ) and he should have ended it. Or talked to you about it.

What he shouldn't have done is kept checking on dating apps to keep his foot in the door and then made you feel like it was your fault.

As I've said before, on here and IRL, sometimes, people's relationship needs/styles are just incompatible. That's not the fault of either person, it's just a fact.

It's the same with parenting styles; financial attitudes; conflict resolution styles; etc... it's these things that determine whether a relationship is going to be successful or not.

sothishappened funny, I've always acknowledged finance / parenting styles etc can differ and be incompatible, but I hadn't focussed on subtle relationship differences still mattering - obviously ONS vs wanting marriage won't work, but even in the middle, the differences matter still, hey

They really do.

You seem intent on blaming yourself. It might help you to think of it in this way - that it was no one's 'fault' (although I still think the dating app thing is unforgiveable) but you have different emotional needs/expectations.

4.00 in the morning, heart pounding, wide awake again, another sleepless night. It's really no fun is it when it ends with no warning and no explanation. No ending and no understanding is really hard to deal with. Again. Had a 5 yr relationship that ended by being ghosted. Never thought lightning would strike twice

Morning OP, I’ve not read the whole thread, but a lot of it.

I’m sorry you feel like this, I’ve been there and I know those feelings. Whether the dating app was ‘nothing’ (I beg to differ) it’s a trigger point for anyone with trust issues. Yes you may be insecure, hard work (your words) but the right person would’ve allayed your fears, given you the reassurance you so desperately needed. The way I see it is he wasn’t right for you if he couldn’t do this. I’m in my late fifties, finished a 7 year relationship last year. He gave me reason to mistrust him once, and I never got over it, so you are not alone. The dating apps are too tempting for a lot of men. I think the ‘explanation’ is in his silence.

itsallpointless thank you so much for your reply. This middle of the night panic is awful isn't it. I know the silence is the answer. I believe he does care but cannot face either the aggravation or the discomfort of a conversation to clarify it's over.

The apps thing is long dead. I've thought so much about why we are where we are. For me I freaked out at this stage realising I cared and was scared of being hurt. He told me he freaked out when he realised he cared (awful v long relationship for him has made him v wary)

But he really really should at least message You just don't do this, do you......

Stop making excuses for him. Stop putting yourself down. You've done nothing wrong.

Dimsum; thank you for replying. It's past reasons and excuses really, I'm just in shock really, that in days we can have gone from being so close, albeit with an underlying worry, to awake all night, shaking, can't eat, no communication. Just worlds away from where I thought we were. Feel in shock almost

itsallpointless v v brave by the way to end a 7 year relationship when you knew you needed to

Firstly, like all the PP on here, you must stop blaming yourself. There are two people involved here, both have responsibility. IF the dating app was genuinely overlooked by him, then it could be that he cannot fully commit to a relationship at this time due to his own insecurities, and believe me he will have some! I’m very much like you, life stops when (I think) a relationship has finished, I cannot function at all. He may need space, that doesn’t mean finding another relationship. I would focus on myself OP, like others have suggested, you need to look at why you feel and react the way you do. It’s all about us at the end of the day, our behaviours impact relationships, he is no different to you, look at him now.

he cannot face the aggravation or discomfort of a conversation to clarify it’s over

This is your interpretation of his behaviour. You’ve no idea if this is true.

I’m fortunate that the ending of my relationship wasn’t the heartbreak that you (and I have before) are experiencing. However, he was (I feel) my last chance of a relationship, as now I am so emotionally exhausted, I cannot be bothered

I can feel your pain in your messages OP, it’s an actual physical pain isn’t it? It’s awful

OP, affer a certain age, we all come with baggage, set ways, expectations and a good amount of head fuck.
We’re too long in the tooth to gloss over shit.

I tried to put myself in your shoes, what would I have done? What would I have felt?
The answer is: exactly what you did. That niggling sensation it’s not quite right, I wouldn’t have let it pass.

You have boundaries, you didn’t like it and said something about it. Nothing wrong with your boundaries.

What you have is expectations, and they weren’t met. Nothing wrong with having expectations, nothing wrong with them not being met. You’re not needy and insecure, you have the right to have expectations and boundaries.

So when a problem arised, even if it was a genuine mistake, someone who loves you for who you are would have the patience, the understanding, the love, the time and motivation to be there for you. And make things better.
He didn’t.
Instead he blamed it all on you and your insecurities etc.

I would make it very clear: these are my needs. I need to heal and I need you to be here while I heal. I would do the same for you. See where that takes you.

itsallpointless you're right, I'm just panicking. I suppose I want a clear answer- it's over, for whatever reason/ let's stay together and communicate better. It's been limbo since Tues. Saw him v briefly Thurs, said shall we catch up; he said he'd ring yest and didn't. This isn't the person I knew. Tbh I think a huge part if this is his past traumas making closeness to me lovely but quite a 'trigger' for him. I think we've both got our sensitivities from our pasts. But there is nothing we can do if we can't talk...

8fencingwire thank you for replying. I was shaken by the initial glitch, but it's this now that's the real problem. I thought we could communicate.

I know it's over, and I will have to accept it, but very hard having been told for first time this could last, never had relationship like this, never been understood as well, and after a while I don't mean silly in the first fortnight.

It's very kind of you and others to reply. The nights are awful and I get in more and more of a state....

I left a phone message last night, just v calm, let's have a coffee or a walk, drop me a message. I hate ghosting, so if I don't contact, I am. But I've deleted all numbers now, so I can't ring again if I'm tempted to. I hope he will contact me, but I don't want to send stupid long unwelcome messages