Online dating fiasco. No need to end, but it has

[Noimaginationxyzz]

I posted in Dec - dating 8 mths. Thought we were blissfully happy, saw app mssge flash on his phone. Spoke to b/f, turned out he'd been an idiot, was in love with me, just hadn't felt able to delete apps. I believed, although was v hurt. We had had the best 8 mths or so.

8 weeks later it feels wrong now, not like before, I feel on thin ice. I finally spoke to him tonight - I hate confrontation. Seems like it might be over. He said I should have binned him in Dec if I couldn't get over it. I've been nervy & anxious since (I have, on and off) and that has an effect. He's right.

I think it's over, the magic went when I saw the message and I've not got over it. I should have. Back in Dec he loved me, the online stuff was nothing, I've ruined it since by hiding my hurt so badly and expecting him to pay. Feel like sh*t. In my 50s, first amazing relationship I've ever had and I've destroyed it.

Middle of the night; no-one to talk to and feeling sad. MN always seem to offer such wise words...

I just said that it felt different between us, couldn't put my finger on it, if everything ok. I was 100% expecting him to say all fine, but he said he'd been having doubts. V long story cut v short, but dynamic's changed because I seem nervous / stressed around him, it's not what it was. Not officially ended, but I'm certain it's over

Have you heard from him since?

This sounds like anxiety.
CBT is free on the NHS
Google lets talk well being.
Also YouTube has free vids by Julia Kristina.

Do this for yourself regardless of what happens with dp.

kneehighgim no, but 1 evening, so not the longest time

Urgh, tell HIM it's over. If he can't help you through a bit of insecurity then he is rubbish. Don't do this to yourself. Cut him off

Are you sure he hasn't met someone else off the app and THATS the reason it's 'different'?

robin2323 thank you for the tips. I will follow up. I agree I am anxious, but I am also a great g/f in many ways. Feels harsh that my flaw makes me so tarnished I'm not worth knowing. But then an easy light hearted relationship where anxiety plays no part would be easier, so pick that I guess

candypuff I'm certain, for lots of reasons, but 100% certain that's not it

He was unsure at first after a v long search if we'd work out, looking over my shoulder a bit, realised we were really good and meant to delete, then I found out about an issue that had already gone

The thing is, it's wise to not emotionally invest too much too soon. It's sensible to approach a new relationship with a little caution.

There are many ways in which you can do this.

Without continuing to be on dating apps/seek out other people.

Again, I maintain an emotional distance - I don't 'fall in love' easily. But I can do all of that without being disrespectful to the man I am seeing.

It's that whole "Treat someone as you wish to be treated" isn't it?

But this one is less clear cut, he is a good one who screwed up. I'm a good bet too, but I have flaws, which some people - him included it seems - can't tolerate

Yes, of course everyone has flaws. It's a pretty big screw up though, isn't it? Having boundaries and expecting them to be respected isn't a flaw...

I think it's over, the magic went when I saw the message and I've not got over it. I should have.

I'm not really sure why you see this as a bad thing. I mean, I understand that you are mourning the loss of the future you felt you could have had with him but these are your boundaries. The magic going? That's the barrier coming up because he crossed/ignored your boundary. The saddest thing is that you have spent the last 3 months also trying to cross/ignore your boundary!

Be cross with him for ruining it; be cross with him for not recognising your value and worth; be cross with the friends who think you should ignore your own feelings/relationship expectations... just don't be cross with yourself because you expected the man you were in a relationship with to not be 'looking over your shoulder' at other women at the same time.

Thanks, but I've not really got it all sorted quite yet... but I'm getting there I'd rather be single that tie myself up in knots explaining away a man's poor treatment of me though. My mum did that after she and my dad divorced. I remember talking to her when she was in her fifties about some concerns I had about the man she'd recently started seeing - I felt that he was rather dismissive of and disrespectful towards her. She cried and told me I didn't know the half of it and that I had no idea the sacrifices she'd had to make just so that she wasn't single.

I made the decision there and then that I would never make such 'sacrifices' myself just so as not to be single.

So really he’s showing that he’s only interested in one version of you, the cool confident you but cant be assed with all that messy stuff when you show vulnerability or want to discuss what’s going on for you emotionally. Long heart to hearts into the night are normal in a relationship - not every night obvs- but every now and again - to check out how things are going and workshop stuff.

When he saw you being stressed and nervous around him why didn’t he ask what was wrong? He must have known it was connected with you seeing the app notifications pop up on his phone because you say your behaviour changed at this point. It doesn’t take much to connect the two. He should have done more work to reassure you at this point, not just let it all slide to the point it couldn’t be recovered.

You were feeling vulnerable and acted defensively - you were sending out a signal to him that all was not well- he chose to ignore that signal or at least to sit back silently and wait to see if you could recover yourself. That doesn’t make him a bad person but that rather cool calculating approach is maybe not right for your more vulnerable personality.

sothishappened that’s a brilliant post and should be sent to every young female (and male, come to think of it) in the land.

sothishappened
onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad

Thank you both so much for taking the time to write such detailed comments. Your replies make perfect sense.

I have felt consumed that I've been behaving so irrationally and badly that I have felt terribly guilty, but I'm starting to feel as though my behaviour and reactions are within normal boundaries

Robin2323 I have found Julia Kristina and watched one video already

She is amazing. Thank you so, so much for the recommendation. I feel like I should watch one every day.

I think you've hit the nail on the head. If you choose to continue the relationship then he should have an understanding of how his actions have made you feel. At the very least he should be supporting you, loving you, reassuring etc. Not making you feel worse. Maybe some counselling may help, relate are good.

If he is as lovely as you think he is then time will tell. If not we'll then it is time to move on.

Really pleased you found Julia Kristina.
She's so on the ball with it all.
There are loads ti watch and repeat watch as required.
I like the 15 ways to say NO.

Still try and get the CBT because this is like having Julia one to one.

boredboredboredbored the more I think about it, it has to have some depth, and if as soon as I'm not ok, or I have a weakness, it's not worth getting through, then it's not a long term thing, and I want a long term thing. I can't enjoy a bit-of-company-for-now thing.

but I'm starting to feel as though my behaviour and reactions are within normal boundaries

Hurrah! Breakthrough

Yes. They are within normal boundaries.

The 'irrational' woman trope is a common one levelled at women who object to men's poor behaviour.

You are allowed to have whatever boundaries you wish to.

ColeHawlins haha!!! Just goes to show that 100 sensible opinions can do some good.....

This is a bit of a litmus test. When everything is running smoothly in life your relationship ran smoothly. As soon as you came up to a speed bump the relationship floundered. If he can't be there for such a small thing, he wouldn't be there for the big ones either.

sothishappened I think the pity about all this is not that I'm not allowed or supposed to be hurt or worried, but by being hurt, worried, nervous, it's no longer what it was, and what it was was so nice.

Ehlana that's what I've been thinking. I think we both have baggage to some extent and we should be able to talk it through and heal each other I suppose. Or alternatively, first sign of trouble, "Next!"......

I think the pity about all this is not that I'm not allowed or supposed to be hurt or worried, but by being hurt, worried, nervous, it's no longer what it was, and what it was was so nice.

It's entirely a reflection on him. You sound lovely and can do much better.

Noimaginationxyzz But you are allowed to feel like that. He just doesn't want to have to deal with it.

It's still a fault on his part. There are many men who would make an effort not to do something that would hurt, to be honest, a lot of people. It's a fundamental trust thing, isn't it? If you don't have trust, you don't have anything and he was showing you that you can't trust him on a really fundamental level. And that's why you couldn't put it behind you.

For example, I don't have a problem with a bit of innocent, intellectual flirting. I like to engage in a bit of it myself and I've never had a problem with men who do and it's very different to sexualised flirting. On occasion it can be entertaining. But I last dated a man who I know would have absolutely hated it. It's one of his dating dealbreakers. I knew that and so I never did it. Not once in the year we were dating did I do it even once. And I shut down any efforts on the part of anyone else to initiate it. Whether he was there or not. It wasn't a great sacrifice on my part and it was more important to me that he felt 'emotionally safe' than that I was able to flirt.

That is how emotionally mature people handle things.

A man who truly cares about you would care if they unintentionally hurt or worried you.

And that's what dating's all about isn't it? Finding out whether you're compatible or not? Just because you get on well together; have chemistry etc doesn't mean you're going to be compatible on the important stuff. You got on well and had a great time for a few months but then you discovered that, on this matter if no other, you are not compatible - either in terms of 'fidelity' and respect nor in terms of emotional support.

or what Cole said in 2 lines!

Yours had all the important detail.