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Original poster

Online dating fiasco. No need to end, but it has

154 replies

Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 00:38

I posted in Dec - dating 8 mths. Thought we were blissfully happy, saw app mssge flash on his phone. Spoke to b/f, turned out he'd been an idiot, was in love with me, just hadn't felt able to delete apps. I believed, although was v hurt. We had had the best 8 mths or so.

8 weeks later it feels wrong now, not like before, I feel on thin ice. I finally spoke to him tonight - I hate confrontation. Seems like it might be over. He said I should have binned him in Dec if I couldn't get over it. I've been nervy & anxious since (I have, on and off) and that has an effect. He's right.

I think it's over, the magic went when I saw the message and I've not got over it. I should have. Back in Dec he loved me, the online stuff was nothing, I've ruined it since by hiding my hurt so badly and expecting him to pay. Feel like sh*t. In my 50s, first amazing relationship I've ever had and I've destroyed it.

Middle of the night; no-one to talk to and feeling sad. MN always seem to offer such wise words...

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 06:08

Sorry, I don't know how to reply to particular posts.

The apps were deleted but were dormant in any event, because we were so happy togetger. But I've felt he's been different, which he has, because he's felt I have been, which I have. But with The f* did I make the effort to make sure he knew I wasn't over it. It was nothing, now I've screwed it up for myself and that's what hurts - I've done this to myself

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 06:09

*why the. ....

OP posts:
Insomnibrat · 27/02/2019 06:11

As is almost unanimously echoed on this thread, by a panel of strangers who have no loyalty to either you or him in this situation, you haven't.

Why are you insistent on persecuting yourself? I think that needs addressing.

SubparOwl · 27/02/2019 06:15

Honestly, my gut here is screaming that he is the problem here, not you OP.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 06:15

I agree, I'm the issue. I guess he's seen the real me. Not confident and cool, but worried and insecure. So I suppose that's what the hurt is. He's seen who I am. They always say you should be in a good place to date and I had got myself in a good place, but I was knocked back to square 1 in the blink of an eye

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 27/02/2019 06:17

Sorry if harsh but you seem to have an unhealthy way of viewing this man: you've completely put him and the relationship on a pedestal.

Agree with PP who said that the anxiety and doubts you are experiencing is your intuition trying to tell you something.

Insomnibrat · 27/02/2019 06:18

You have internal, automatic, moral boundaries which prevent you from being treated like shit.

It isn't a bad thing.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 06:18

Sorry, X posted with previous, but don't know how to put usernames in

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 06:23

Lifeisabeach - I know it must sound that way. First happy relationship. I didn't ever want it to stop and for quite a few months i didn't think it ever would. I need to get over it

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 27/02/2019 06:30

OP, it all sounds very intense. The way you speak about the happiness and how happy you were sounds odd. Idealistic, obsessive, maybe. I don't mean to be offensive.

I think you need some time out from this relationship to get some perspective of this man and the situation.

Conniedescending · 27/02/2019 06:33

I disagree and think you are over reacting

From what you say he still had the dating app on his phone but never used them since you got together? If that's the case then I can't see why you've got in such a tail spin - Ive got all manner of apps I used to use but don't now - just nit deleted them because I'm not an organised type like that

You seem to have given this a symbolic meaning which is ruining what u say us actually a great relationship

If he was actually using the app still then completely different matter

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 06:33

Bizarrely our time together isn't obsessive - it's very chilled, not all the time, both busy lives, not hot dates, just low key stuff. I think I'm just raging because my insecurity is such a stupid negative quality and the fallout is big this time

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 06:35

I think I over reacted too

But too late now

OP posts:
Amazonfromkent · 27/02/2019 07:05

Dear op, been there. Felt the same agony. But know that it wasn't real. It was real to you, but not to him. His options were open and he wasn't in it 100%. Would you rather live a lie knowing that he's quietly exploring other options?

LaughingCow99 · 27/02/2019 07:09

You didn't ruin anything. He was keeping his options open . Fuck that. He's a deceptive weasel. Be glad you found out now.

boredboredboredboredbored · 27/02/2019 08:27

I had a similar thing with my dp. I checked Tinder around 5 months into a very happy relationship. God knows why I did it as he hadn't done anything to make me feel insecure. I found his profile still on there. I know he deleted the app from his phone (he always has his phone on next to me so I know that's true) but reckons he hadn't deleted his profile but this didn't matter as he didn't have the app so no notifications etc.

I chose to believe him (or want to believe him) but it's left a knot in my stomach. I feel insecure and vulnerable as I love him and don't want to be hurt.

I think I have a good bullshit sensor and he doesn't give off a single bad vibe but it's got in my brain. I have struggled to relax and trust him. I don't go in about it but it's there festering away!!

boredboredboredboredbored · 27/02/2019 08:34

Op what did you actually see on his phone? A message? Or a notification?

What is your general feeling on the relationship in general? For me my dp (18 months now) has been consistently great even when I've been horrid to him. Kind, considerate, great with my dc without trying to father them (they're teens so can be tough going!) He seems to genuinely love and care for me. This is my first relationship post divorce and giving my heart to somebody makes me feel very vulnerable and scared really.

It's easy for people on here to scream LTB but the reality can be somewhat harder!! I just want to trust him and not get hurt.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 08:48

Got to head into work now, late and on no sleep. I will reply later. I cannot thank you all enough

The kindness of strangers...

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 09:15

boredboredbored he's a genuinely lovely man. He's not a player or a bastard. I've been hurt - haven't we all - and I have become so scared of him hurting me that I've precipitated it. It was just a notification, but he was on sites at the beginning but they were dormant by the time I realised.

I wish, wish, wish I could have taken the reassurance at Christmas at face value and just carried on, but it spiked all my insecurities that I'd hoped I'd recovered from.

He's done nothing majorly wrong, that was just a blip. The issue is the distance between us since

And men loathe late night deep discussions... So another nail in the coffin......

OP posts:
Butteredghost · 27/02/2019 10:13

Are you sure the relationship is that great? You've only been together 16 months and it's been bad half of that. You should still be in honeymoon phase. Don't idealise it now and imagine it was something it wasn't.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 10:28

I'm sure. The issue is my insecurity. There wasn't an issue, but I picked at it until there was. Now we have an issue

OP posts:
Azzizam · 27/02/2019 10:47

I believe that if this relationship has been as good as you say up to now, then after a while and a little time apart you will sort it out. People that close will feel a need to be together. Don't write it off yet but also please be kinder to yourself. Being insecure is not a crime and if the boot were on the other foot he'd be questioning his sexual prowess and whether any new guy is "giving it to you better". Try to get a good night sleep tonight. All the best.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 11:34

Azzizam I hope you're right. Something good shouldn't be easily destroyed

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 27/02/2019 11:56

I echo what azzizam says. Things are not always black and white and while it's easy for a panel of total strangers to want to burn him at the stake for such a horrific crime you are the one who knows this man and are in a much better position to judge whether he's genuine.

Be kind to yourself, give him a little space and then try to have a rational conversation and speak to him about how you're feeling.

I'm the issue. I guess he's seen the real me. Not confident and cool, but worried and insecure. So I suppose that's what the hurt is. He's seen who I am.
This stood out to me. If it's 'true love' as you describe it to be then he should be able to accept all of you, even the insecurities. Not just the cool calm version of yourself that you want him to see. You shouldn't have to pretend in front of him

IM0GEN · 27/02/2019 12:15

Damn, I missed the posts where everyone suggested burning him at the post for horrific crimes. Can you quote them please ?

Or do you mean the posters who said “ think about it “ or “drop him”? Because obviously no longer dating someone is totally the same thing as murdering them or having them executed.

Since about 100 women a year are murdered in the UK for the crime of leaving a man, this isn’t really very funny.

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