Online dating fiasco. No need to end, but it has

[Noimaginationxyzz]

I posted in Dec - dating 8 mths. Thought we were blissfully happy, saw app mssge flash on his phone. Spoke to b/f, turned out he'd been an idiot, was in love with me, just hadn't felt able to delete apps. I believed, although was v hurt. We had had the best 8 mths or so.

8 weeks later it feels wrong now, not like before, I feel on thin ice. I finally spoke to him tonight - I hate confrontation. Seems like it might be over. He said I should have binned him in Dec if I couldn't get over it. I've been nervy & anxious since (I have, on and off) and that has an effect. He's right.

I think it's over, the magic went when I saw the message and I've not got over it. I should have. Back in Dec he loved me, the online stuff was nothing, I've ruined it since by hiding my hurt so badly and expecting him to pay. Feel like sh*t. In my 50s, first amazing relationship I've ever had and I've destroyed it.

Middle of the night; no-one to talk to and feeling sad. MN always seem to offer such wise words...

Take the time to heal and look after yourself. Take some annul leave days if you have them, book a weekend away, join a meetup group. I clean, that’s how I cope with things 😂.
Be kind to yourself.

8fencingwire thank you. So much leave to take, no time to take it. Nothing I can do now to make this better, I have to try to recover now

You know, some people will continue to pursue, personally I don’t, that’s because I fear rejection so much. You’ve left a message, then deleted his number because you’ve already accepted it’s over, without really any hard evidence of that. You are continually hurting yourself OP. You don’t know what he’s thinking, don’t keep trying to second guess, or make up scenarios.

If he cannot communicate, he is not a keeper. Wait for his response, but do not stop living. Get up this morning and go to a coffee shop or somewhere, be around people, don’t sit around ‘waiting’.

Imo he should be fighting for you. HE should be the one contacting YOU. If he felt the same way as you he'd be there, reassuring you and trying to make it work. Fuck his past, you've not demonstrated behaviour to make him weary. I'm sorry you are being treated this way.

You really are worth much more. The pain is hideous but he is not the man the thought he was sadly. Much love to you I know how it feels and it's bloody horrible but you will heal. Remember you deserve more x

itsallpointless I agree, I will go out to the park and coffee. Deleting the no. takes some stress away, I don't have to wonder whether or what to message. I felt leaving a message was the right thing. I don't want it to end, so I shouldn't behave as though I do, I reckon. I hate games as well as ghosting!!!

boredboredbored thank you so much for your message. The pain is terrible, but I know it goes, it will get better. It's just such a huge shock. We used to say just how lucky we were to have found each other. Perhaps he is thinking it over, to be sure he doesn't mess me around. He may not care enough, but at some level he definitely does care.
But if it's so, so fragile and shaky it has no longevity does it.....

No it doesn't. What you need is reassurance. Everybody hits rocky patches for a multitude of reasons. At the first whiff of this you'd expect him to be fighting for you (especially as it was his fault). Leave him to it now, this will tell you all you need to know. It's bloody horrible. It makes me wonder why we do this to ourselves?!

One thing this thread has taught me though is that I have put my man/relationship on a pedestal that it really doesn't deserve.

boredboredbored perhaps some people are just too damaged by bad experiences to have proper serious relationships again. I don't know, but I am certain if he's not contacting me it's not because he's forgotten to. He either can't face breaking bad news or he wants to be sure carrying on is right. I called by briefly on Thurs and I left a voicemail Fri which I don't think is OTT when he hasn't actually finished it. But now it's up to him...

boredboredbored I misread your last para. From my experience, adoring someone completely doesn't pan out so well, no matter what they say to you....

OP please don’t keep trying to guess how he’s feeling, you cannot get into his head, it will drive you crazy!

Think about YOU and YOUR self. Every time a ‘thought’ comes into your head, swat it away.

itsallpointless second guessing is the road to madness isn't it....I think that's why the nights are so awful - no distractions. When we caught up Thurs briefly it was just lovely, hand holding etc

I've got a DC who has exams in the summer, I think that's why I brought it to a head now. If it was going to end or have a rocky patch, that needed clarifying. I knew I had to get it out of the way. I have to be strong and back on form quickly and definitely before the exams

430 start again....talked to a friend today. Reckons he will for certain be in touch when he's got his thoughts in order. I can't believe he would ghost, I want a conversation to clear my mind. I don't know at what point taking time to think tips into ghosting / too much time gone by.

I deleted his no. to stop me hassling him, not that I would but I'd have to fight myself not to send a message which is exhausting. Then I saw on a thread tonight that that will have made my photo go on whatsapp so he will know I've done that and may mis read reason. Damn......... worried about that too. Less panicked tonight, but no less sad. Sometimes not believing it's over, sometimes certain it is. I'm boring myself......lord knows how bored others must be....

Don’t minimise your feelings and don’t put yourself down for having them, OP.
Learn from my mistakes. For decades I’ve had this little trick up my sleeve: don’t show emotions. Don’t make your feelings known. Breeze over everything, box everything traumatic/unpleasant, put your war paint on and move on.
It worked a trick for about 40 years. Then my brain couldn’t take any more little boxes of horrors. I had two feelings: happy and angry. Just two. When asked to describe how I feel, I would dismiss feelings of sadness, dissapointment, despair, they were emotions I have learnt to hide so well, I could have sworn I don’t have them.
I had to google to familiarise myself with the other emotions and feelings and actively think about it: is this anger? Or is this sadness? Dissapointment? etc.

The trouble with boxing shit is that at one point they start tumbling down. I kept stacking them because I didn’t want to be seen as weak or vulnerable.
Being weak or vulnerable isn’t pleasant. It open gates better kept shut. But it also keeps people away. Makes connecting much harder, if not impossible.
It’s a weird paradox. We crave to be loved, understood, accepted, but we feel that the other person might not like us for ourselves, so we don’t dish the crap out, we box it. So we’re keeping that other person on the other side of the gate, while we’re busy hiding the boxes of horror, which is why we need the other person in the first place.

Anyway, the gist of it is: you’re entitled to your feelings. Look at them, analyse them, let them go.

@Noimaginationxyzz the WhatsApp photo thing is dependent on your settings. To into settings - account - privacy I think. Then it says who is your profile photo viewable to, and you can choose everyone or contacts only. Have a check.

8fencingwire thank you for your reply. Feelings are exhausting hey, feeling drained by this whole experience....

sparklfairy thank you so much. It's set to "everyone". I haven't stormed off in a huff, so I don't want to look like I have. I'm hoping he does contact me, so if I look like I've deleted to be mean, I thought he might not...

You can’t pour from an empty cup.
In order to replenish yourself, you have to find where you are. Go for a walk in the woods, by the beach, just walk in nature for a bit. Take a snack with you, or stop for a coffee and a cake. Be kind to yourself.

8fencingwire I'm a big walker, so doing that to try and deal. Re-read your post, you hit the nail on the head about wanting to be loved for who I am. I can be very bubbly or very insecure. I think I have realised that I have an anxiety disorder - I have triggers that make me spiral. I don't like the idea that the weakness has been spotted and so I'm now not worth knowing. I was worth knowing when I was "perfect".

@Noimaginationxyzz at least it's put your mind at rest! Good luck x

sparkkefairy yep, I don't need to add to my list of things to worry about!

That’s a load of bollocks and you know it (the bit about I was worth knowing when I was ‘perfect’).
We all look for an anchor, a safe harbour, a place where we are loved for who we are. We try and recreate the safety we should have had in our childhood. That unconditional love.
Not sure if I haven’t missed that boat, I’m an adult now, and a parent and frankly up to my eyeballs in day to day grind. But rumour has it, a partner should be your safe harbour, your anchor, love you for who you are and shoulder any storm with you.

8fencingwire I agree re last para. Any serious relationship has to acknowledge your 'flaws'. If mine carries on, it would be on a different, more honest and better footing. But I still feel that I'm probably just too much trouble

Nah. Trouble is someone who has flaws and doesn’t see that, and makes it all your fault, shoving you under so they can get up. That’s trouble.
Someone who says: I have flaws and I’m scared and worried it’ll be too much for anyone to take on, that someone isn’t trouble. That’s a bit of a find, that is.

To be fair op by now he must know that he is stringing you along. No contact is awful, you didn't end it with him, he said he would contact you and you've already contacted him. If it were me I really don't think, even if he did get in contact and said he'd like to continue, that I would want to. If he isn't capable of talking through problems then the relationship is doomed anyway. What happens when the next problem occurs? If you feel insecure again? You have to suppress things so you don't get blanked. Sod that!

Take time to heal, it's hard I know but he isn't worth this agro.

8fencingwire that's a very positive take on things. I am understanding more about me as a result of this situation. I couldn't understand my reaction, now I do. Wish I had a bit earlier, but hindsight is a wonderful thing...