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Original poster

Online dating fiasco. No need to end, but it has

154 replies

Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 00:38

I posted in Dec - dating 8 mths. Thought we were blissfully happy, saw app mssge flash on his phone. Spoke to b/f, turned out he'd been an idiot, was in love with me, just hadn't felt able to delete apps. I believed, although was v hurt. We had had the best 8 mths or so.

8 weeks later it feels wrong now, not like before, I feel on thin ice. I finally spoke to him tonight - I hate confrontation. Seems like it might be over. He said I should have binned him in Dec if I couldn't get over it. I've been nervy & anxious since (I have, on and off) and that has an effect. He's right.

I think it's over, the magic went when I saw the message and I've not got over it. I should have. Back in Dec he loved me, the online stuff was nothing, I've ruined it since by hiding my hurt so badly and expecting him to pay. Feel like sh*t. In my 50s, first amazing relationship I've ever had and I've destroyed it.

Middle of the night; no-one to talk to and feeling sad. MN always seem to offer such wise words...

OP posts:
MzHz · 27/02/2019 12:48

Sweetheart, this is a training relationship, it was never supposed to last. You gain a little bit of confidence in yourself (and you have done - by learning and signalling that you WON’T stand for people pissing about behind your back), and you take that strength to the next relationship. You learn about yourself, and you process the highs and lows of life safely.

Yes sometimes there will be times when you have taken decisions at the time that you later look back on and think that you might do thing differently now, but that’s an important process too! There is no right or wrong way to do this stuff. You made the right decision for you at the time.

It’s like stepping stones, each relationship will bring experience that will make you stronger and better

I will also say that 8m in is a crappy time in relationship terms, it’s long enough for one to be thinking that this relationship seriously has a chance, all the hormones are still on the rise and to be cut off at this time IS chemically hard for your body to process.

The fact is he still had apps and live account that he will have had notifications from on dozens of occasions but he didn’t want to do anything about.

He literally didn’t think it/you were important enough to make sure he didn’t lose you.

You have done nothing wrong. He messed this up 100%

Better will come for you, carry on and you’ll be ready when it finds you

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 12:50

Thank you wishywashy6. I can only hope. He is genuine, what we had was lovely. But he's been through a lot over the years too and he will not want to be in a dysfunctional thing any more than I do...

OP posts:
wishywashy6 · 27/02/2019 13:05

@IM0GEN .... it was a figure of speech Hmm just merely pointing out that it's easy for strangers to judge but stepping back and considering the bigger picture is sometimes wise.
And as for the 100 murdered women each year I'm not sure what kind of tangent you're heading off on but I don't see how it bears any relevance to the OPs post or my brief reference to a medieval torture practice

MzHz · 27/02/2019 14:08

YOU are not the issue!! Ffs, he had 8m to get rid of the profiles

And he didn’t.

I was internet dating for a few years and as soon as I met my now OH, I knew he was significant and I parked the profiles. By 8m they here history, having been deleted months previously

This guy is pissed off cos he got caught somehow. The anger is projection. How dare his anger at being caught make you doubt yourself.

You are a lovely woman. You’re vulnerable like the rest of us are (I’m 50 too) that’s not a fault, it’s normal and he let you down .

There is a man for you out there (as there was for me) you just haven’t met him yet! Don’t give up on your happiness

Onemansoapopera · 27/02/2019 14:37

I genuinely hope you can make it up OP, I think you're being genuine and wise and self-aware, despite everyone trying to convince you that being insecure in a happy relationship is fine and to be expected. It isn't. Phones beep.with all sorts of shit these days. I think if you're strong enough together it will get sorted.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 18:03

Starting to feel less horrendous about having started the conversation. I wish it hasn't happened, but it did. Maybe it can be overcome. If not, maybe there was nothing there and I've flushed that out...

Your messages are such a support, thank you X

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 18:35

....I have no idea what to do now.... I caused yesterday's debacle, so I think it's up to me to ring or message. But then some people need space. Or does it look like I'm sulking / game playing if I go quiet...... Mentally draining......

OP posts:
boredboredboredboredbored · 27/02/2019 19:11

Op how did you leave things? I think he has to understand why you feel insecure. I think his reaction will tell you what you need to know. If he thinks the relationship is worth fighting for you'll get through this blip.

It's hard to trust somebody especially if they've put doubt in your mind, but you could have the rest of your life in a happy relationship together. Then again he may break your heart tomorrow. Is it worth the risk?

Robin2323 · 27/02/2019 19:18

It still is really early days for your relationship.

I know insecurities can take over.

But like a pp said you are being a bit hard on yourself.

Insecurity are not who you are.
They are just behaviour and lots of people have them.

CBT can help with this.

As we all relationships honest and open conversation is the way forward.

MzHz · 27/02/2019 19:44

Stop chasing someone who didn’t think enough of you/your relationship to delete the dating apps!!

Why is your self esteem so low? A decent relationship would not have brought you so low!

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 19:47

boredboredbored left that we would see each other over the next few days, but nothing arranged, so maybe just a way of ending conversation. I dunno....

I think my achilles heel is insecurity; I think his is a fear of commitment after quite bad previous experience. Not the best combination of flaws...

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 19:49

Robin2323 I take your point about it being behaviour rather than defining. If I could afford counselling it would probably do me some good

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 27/02/2019 20:17

They say that when you choose a commitment phobe it's subconsciously because you are one also and you know its safe to be with this person because you already feel you know the outcome... but the paradox is...your commitment phobia coupled with theirs breeds insecurity. It's tough. However, both myself and my husband were commitment phobic. It took a long time for us both to build foundations together. The key is to agree not to carry past experiences into this relationship, fight the urge to do it and agree to grow together. We're really properly happy, but it took recognition and change in both of us.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 20:59

onemansoapopera what a lovely happy ending. I suspect in my case it will be easier for him to swap me for someone for whom knowing what relationship they're in is less important than for me. But I need some stability to be happy, like a lot of other people I suppose....

OP posts:
Onemansoapopera · 27/02/2019 21:04

What I'm saying is... You're both the problem - and both the solution, if you both want it.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 21:07

onemansoapopera I think I agree with you; I think possibly only 1 of us would see it that way though!

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 27/02/2019 22:44

....here we go.....night time.....dreading it......

OP posts:
chutneystunt · 28/02/2019 01:45

OP, I say this with kindness but your self flagellation is exhausting. You haven’t listened to anything anyone’s said and keep turning our words into more opportunities to beat yourself up.

In case you aren’t sure:

He was in the wrong to have that app still on his phone after EIGHT MONTHS.

Your reaction to the discovery was and is completely normal

We all get there at different times but you are of an age where it is time to get some healthy self respect and boundaries. If you need some help such as counselling to get you there that is all well and good.

Please reread the responses as if they were giving advice to your daughter or best friend. Why don’t you deserve the same.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 28/02/2019 04:26

Cheneystunt I do see what you mean. He was wrong, he's said that, but I chose to believe the explanation and carry on, so if I can't draw a line and accept an apology and explanation I should have finished it. The few people who know in RL all say the apology was real and to move on. The thing is I do 100% believe the explanation and apology. I have no idea why I'm where I am. Maybe it couldn't be repaired but that seems so silly

OP posts:
Decormad38 · 28/02/2019 05:15

Only you can decide op. You will get a mixed bag of opinions on here based upon all their own decisions, attitudes and experiences. If you need to give him more time then you do it.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 28/02/2019 05:21

decormad38 I know, we all inevitably bring our own back stories. I am partly scared he wants nothing more to do with me, but part of me is thinking it's like an affair if he cannot see me with any failings and still want me. I don't think I was wrong to mind or to say things feel different, and I'm starting to think if that conversation can't happen, I've got something desperately shallow. Slept better tonight so maybe starting to think straight

OP posts:
SoThisHappened · 28/02/2019 05:29

But I've had a rough relationship history, and a tendency to be v v insecure and before app discovery I was so happy and confident. But it was resolved, genuinely, but I've not got over it and that's why I feel so sht.*

I understand this.

I have been seeing someone for about 4 months. I have been quite clear with him. I told him that I trust him and I will continue to trust him whilst I have reason to do so. But if he ever gives me reason to doubt him, I will walk away without a second glance. I'm not interested in believing explanations and apologies or working on accepting them. If someone can't work out how to treat me respectfully without first being discovered being disrespectful... nah, not interested.

That is essentially what you did too. You might not have physically walked away but you did emotionally. He treated you disrespectfully and I would also have walked away at that discovery and have done so in the past. I'm worth more than that.

I'm sure he was lovely a lot of the time but you want someone with integrity and loyalty to you all the time - someone who will do the right thing and 'protect' you emotionally even when you are not there and even if you might not find out about it otherwise.

The few people who know in RL all say the apology was real and to move on. The thing is I do 100% believe the explanation and apology

The world is full of people who justify men's poor behaviour and put the responsibilty of a successful relationship onto women. I lost a friend who was insistent that I shouldn't have ended a previous relationship with an otherwise lovely man because he treated me disrespectfully. He used to crane his neck to look at every woman walking by. She thought I ought to have explained to him why I found it so hurtful and that I'd acted hastily by ending it. I tended to think he should have been able to work that out for himself.

You say you 100% believe his explanation and apology. But his explanation isn't good! It doesn't make it innocent. He couldn't quite bring himself to delete the app? So he'll have been receiving notifications the whole time - this is just the one time you know about.

The problem now is that I'm nervous and it screams out and so this problem is all of my own making and I'm so angry with myself that I've done this

No.He has done this. What you've demonstrated is that you have good boundaries and won't accept any old shit excuse. Your emotional and intellectual selves just hadn't quite caught up with each other.

The bottom line is that deleting apps is not only very easy to do, he should have wanted to do that if he cared about you. Everytime a notification arrived, he should have had a pang of guilt and thought, "shit, I still haven't deleted that, I'll do it now". Only he didn't. For 8 months. You're worth more than that.

Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 28/02/2019 05:51

sothishappened thank you so much for taking the time to write such a long reply. I really liked your story re ex bf needing to be able to work it out for himself rather than you having to try and explain it. I agree, every notification should have triggered deletion. He was unsure at first after a v long search if we'd work out, looking over my shoulder a bit, realised we were really good and meant to delete, then I found out about an issue that had already gone. I have been in some v bad relationships in the past, incl DV situation. Defining boundaries is not my strong point. But this one is less clear cut, he is a good one who screwed up. I'm a good bet too, but I have flaws, which some people - him included it seems - can't tolerate. You sound v sorted! A good place to be

OP posts:
Original poster
Noimaginationxyzz · 28/02/2019 05:54

someone who will protect you emotionally even when you're not there

That really struck a chord sothishappened

OP posts:
Kneehigim · 28/02/2019 06:09

What did you say or do to force him to end it?

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