Marriage in severe danger.

[Alloverbartheshoutingnow]

I’ll try not to drop feed so this might be long.

We’ve been married for 5 years – together for 8. Generally we have a great relationship, on the same wavelength – we just clicked from day one.

He’s been married before and has kids with his ex wife, I’ve never wanted kids so it works for us. There is an age gap of 16 years but this has never been a problem. We’re 43 and 59.

I’m self employed and work away a lot during the week – he works full time. We both earn a good salary but I probably bring home three times as much as he does. But as far as I’m concerned it all goes into the same pot and its never been my money and his money.

Anyway, we had a major argument on Saturday that seemed to come out of no where. We were watching the rugby and I was knitting as I normally do. He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”. He was initially in a mood after this but wasn’t forthcoming. Refused to get in the hot tub which we normally do etc. Anyway, says he didn’t want any dinner and stormed upstairs.

I hate arguments and don’t believe in going to bed on an argument or letting things lie so I followed him to try to get him to talk about it.

And that’s when it kicked off. Turns out he feels ignored as all I do every minute of the day when I’m home is knit. I will admit its my default when watching TV but I thought it was just something I did whilst being there. Apparently I don’t talk, if I’m watching TV I just listen to it – got told its like he’s living with someone who’s ignoring him constantly. That all I want to do of a weekend when I’m home is sleep, knit and watch TV as an excuse for knitting. He wasn’t sure why I bothered coming home. And he is right, that is pretty much all I’ve wanted to do recently.

Said to me, how would I like it if I came home and he had his head in a book all weekend and everything was "just let me finish this chapter" because it was the same thing.

I think that was the trigger for it but then a whole load of stuff came out. How he is embarrassed by me these days since I’ve put on 6 stone (was already 4 stone overweight) and that whilst he’s losing weight I’m gaining it. Ironically I’ve lost a stone since Christmas. That when we do go out, I’m forever getting into arguments with people and I’m constantly judging people. That I don’t care enough about what I look like and most of the time I’ll go out looking like a bag lady. He is correct on all these points. I’ve always been the same but I think as I’ve turned 40 I care less about what other people think.

In general he does anything for me, is always the one to make sure I’m ok, put my needs before his and make sure I’m ok and I think I’ve taken him for granted. In fact I know I have. Its really easy to waltz in and treat the house like he’s my personal maid and I’m staying in a hotel.

Told me at one point that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that we were finished. That we’d put the house up for sale and I’d get “my fair share”.

Queue lots of crying and shouting. I phone my friend and his sister (who said she knew her brother and he was just being an arse etc etc) and ultimately I was about to go to a hotel to give him space (I Couldn’t be in the same house and do that).

When I was about to go, he said he didn’t know why but he didn’t want me to go but he was sick of trying to tell me. I am on the spectrum so I know I don’t pick up on the normal cues – I do remember him mentioning stuff but I thought he was joking about it. He said that I should have given him space when he went up to bed and not followed him up and backed him into a corner.

So yesterday we to the town where I stay whilst away to spend the night with family – he was going up to visit his family in Scotland until Thursday. When we stopped for a bite to eat he said “he still didn’t know what to do as you can’t just have an argument like that and forget about it”. I pointed out that I can’t go back and wave a wand and undo anything but I’ve taken on board what he said and I didn’t realise it was coming across the way it was.

He’s now on his way to his Sisters. He did tell me he loved me last night (although he added onto it that I’m a pain in the arse) and gave me a cuddle in bed but he’s still being really distant in general.

Part of me is saying to just leave it and give him space and trying to push it will make it worse. But I’m in bits and barely holding it together in work.

Well he said some pretty harsh things but you seem to agree with them. I suppose the question is, are you prepared to change anything?

This sounds really hard Op. it seems like he had pent up a lot of stuff and communicated it in the worst way possible but it sounds like from your response you agree with what he says.

10 stone overweight is, as I'm sure you know, dangerously overweight.

WRT the knitting thing I think I'd be on your partners side with this one. My DP has a similar 'thing' he does whilst we're chilling together and it really annoys me. Because I feel like I have to interrupt him to just have a chat and that he focusses on that rather than us. However unlike your DH we had an adult conversation about it and now he's much better.

How do you feel about it all? What do you want to do?

What’s with the arguing with people when you go out?

I think in the past he's tried to have a conversation but I've laughed it off as "in my mind" - I'm sitting there with you, and can talk and interact, I just happen to be doing something with my hands at the same time. I just didnt realise that I didn't talk whilst doing it. Or that when I did there was a lot of "lets just finish this row" or "shush I'm trying to concentrate".

If I have one complaint about him its that he can be controlling - he does sort of want all his own way but if I'm being honest, they are things I want as well I just can't be bothered enough.

I love having a nice tidy "show house" = but I'm not bothered enough to tidy up when I know he'll do it. In my mind he's there all week semi retired whilst I'm away so of course he should do it. One of the thing he said to me was when was the last time I even tried to get my figner prints off the ward robe doors rather than leave it for him.

I do like wearing nice clothes - I'm just not girly. I will never and have never (even when a size 8 body builder) worn heels and will never wear them. I tend more to Doc MArtins and combats which is why its really easy to wear nothing but smocks and leggings since nothing bloody fits me that worth wearing. There is a limit to what you should wear when you're a size 22/24.

He said to me last night that he didn't expect me to come home and party every weekend just to give him a bit of attention every now and again.

We normally have a good sex life but recently we haven't. Part of that is I've been using his making comments about my weight as an excuse. Part of it has me being passive aggressive though for no reason that I can analyse. I don't sleep very well at the best of times and I've become a little over dependent on nytol for sleep (currently weaning myself off them) so a lot of the time I've just wanted to get into bed and go to sleep.

And none of the above is his fault. He's been more than supportive I've just been ignoring it.

It seems like it has been brewing a while and you have admitted that you have been taking him for granted.

It does also sound like he has tried to bring this up before, which was brushed off.

I think perhaps you both just need a bit of space and then discuss this again after things have cooled off a bit.

"What’s with the arguing with people when you go out?"

Ok, if we're in conversation with people and something comes up, I won't let it lie.

Example, we were on a cruise at Christmas and on Christmas day we were seated at a table with three other couples. Conversation got onto certain topics and I engaged in a one woman campaign to change this other woman's opinion (which was factually incorrect by the way but she just wouldn't accept it). Rather than just nodding and changing the subject. Ended up with the three couples going off to see the show and then actively avoiding us for the rest of the cruise.

He said that one of the reaons we never join his colleagues on regular couples nights out (which are a thing where he works and which I keep actively trying to encourage him to go to) is because he's afraid that I'll start a fight in an empty room.

Well, I think this has probably all built up and come out in one bug splurge but if you want your marriage to work, you may need to change things.

stop with the trying to change other people's opinions. I'd be embarrassed if i were your husband. Imagine if he did stuff like that

Example, we were on a cruise at Christmas and on Christmas day we were seated at a table with three other couples. Conversation got onto certain topics and I engaged in a one woman campaign to change this other woman's opinion (which was factually incorrect by the way but she just wouldn't accept it). Rather than just nodding and changing the subject. Ended up with the three couples going off to see the show and then actively avoiding us for the rest of the cruise.

Ouch. I can see why he would be afraid to take you socialising with people that are important to him like his colleagues!

It’s a good thing you agree with him OP and you’re not just automatically being defensive and disagreeing. I think most people would be unhappy with a spouse who was argumentative when socialising, had piled on even more weight despite being obese already, assumed they’d do the housework and spent most of the time at home engaged in a task that meant the other person feeling ignored. It sounds like a miserable existence. Surely if you’re now 10st overweight you’re morbidly obese and putting your health and life at serious risk? Do you want to get back to being healthy again? I’m surprised you say you used to be a size eight body builder! What happened?

Where are you going to go from here? Do you and he think the marriage is salvageable? Do either of you even want to save it? On paper it sounds doable, but you have to want to lose weight for yourself, not just for someone else. Do you? Would you be willing to spend more time with your husband rather than knitting? Your post has a lot of explaining about what’s led to this point, which is useful (good job not drip feeding :) ) but I’m curious as to where you want things to go from here, and how?

um...
so you ignore him
take him for granted
can't socialise with others without being a pain

and from the tone of your posts you don't really care.

if that sums it up, I think it's time to set him free.

If both of you, deep down, love each other, want to be together and would like to salvage the marriage, you need relationship counselling. Your husband has several entirely valid points about your behaviour, you admit you don’t always understand social cues, and it also sounds like you don’t communicate well at all.

Regarding you arguing with or confronting people when out - “spectrum” regardless, you need to sort this out, it’s unacceptable and will make you an embarrassment to be with. It’s one thing to have a lively debate with friends who also enjoy a good discussion but insisting on debating with strangers and acquaintances over their viewpoints and trying to make them agree with you is not on.

because he's afraid that I'll start a fight in an empty room

Why do you think you do that OP?

Sometimes we may not like what we hear, but there is a time and place to make your opinions heard. So in essence, he is missing out on work functions as is afraid that you will embarrass him?

You have highlighted so many issues. What do you want to do? Are you willing to make some changes to save your marriage?

On the spectrum or not (though could you clarify what that means) you are acting terribly.

My son has aspergers, it's not ok, you do that on a night out especially with people you don't know. Theres a difference between happy with yourself and being rude. You are being rude and excusing it with, I don't care what others think. But if you care about your marriage you will stop alienating other people, when your dh wants to socialise.

You ignore him, think the house should just be his responsibility but want a show house, alienate other people, take him for granted and use the house like a hotel and him like a maid, laughed off his attempts to sort this.

Are you like this at work? Not engage with people, laugh off their concerns, expect them to pick up all the work and ignore them? If not, why not?

And are surprised he is so upset? You say he can be controlling, but how? Because it's coming across that everything has to be your way.

You need some couples counselling and perhaps some individual counselling or support.

He’s highlighted lots of issues and you seem to agree with his view on all of them!

Where can you go from here?

Does he work full time, or is he semi retired, you've said both?

I'm wondering if this is a reverse TBH, you're painting a terrible picture of yourself.

I think it is salvagable yes.

What happened to my weight? I broke my leg in three places and continued to eat at the same rate as when I was training. That pushed my weight from 10 st to 13 st. Everytime I tried to train I'd get frustrated that I couldnt do what I used to do and gave up.

At the time I was with my abusive ex and I spralled into depression. Started drinking a bottle of gin a day and hardly ate. My weight plateaued at 14st. I left my ex and lost the depression but I was actually not unhappy at a size 16 and 14st.

Then I met my DH. He's overweight (ex rugby player). Loved me for who I was. Complete opposite to my ex. GRadually I put on weight in chunks. I'm not one who gains it slowly. It was a case of each time I say, went on holiday, I'd come back heavier and wouldn't do anything about it.

I'm agreeing with him because I know he's right. He's not perfect and I know MN's tendancy to blame the husband so I'm trying not to have the usual man bashers pile on.

His faults:

He's OCD about tidiness

He's not very tolerant and can be blunt to the point where he can piss people off e.g. my mother bangs on about never having time to do anything because she's always on the phone as he friends use her as an agony aunt 10s of times a day. DH is very "well tell them to stop phoning you" and every time she moans about it he says "well you won't do anything to stop them but then I'm not two faced"

He's not very modern thinking in terms of jokes - I suspect some of the women here would have him hung drawn and quatered but I'm used to it as I work in IT. Its a sense of humour that may have had its day but it still exists.

He also has a tendancy to cut his nose of to spite his face. Hence how we ended up in the argument we did. YEs things needed to be said and I obviously hadnt picked up on it - but it was an extreme reaction. Maybe.

I know my mother thinks he's the one at fault but she would, she's my mother and to be honest, there is a reason she's been married three times.

is this a reverse?

I wouldn’t put up with that, if I was him

But, are you going to change?

I wondered reverse as well as you are so in agreement with the criticisms which seems odd.

I also can't see how he has cut off his nose to spite his face.....

He works full time, has been off long term sick since July and is playing the system to get them to pay him off before retiring., Its one of the few industries left where that can be done.

No, this is not a reverse and I don't know why I've given the impression I don't care - I've spent most of the morning in the loos at work crying I care that little!. I'm an analyst and a prgrammer so I spend a lot of time talking to computers...... they are at least predictable in their responses!

I have my good points as well .

1. I'd do anything for him if he asked - but he doesnt
2. I never regard it as my money and his money - without my money he wouldn't be living in a nice house or driving the car he does or going long haul several times a year
3. If he wants something, he can have it
4. I've got a pretty good sense of humour
5. We have the same tastes in TV, music, holidays and hobbies (knitting excepted).
6. We have (or had maybe) the same long terms goals
7. I'm a bloody good cook

I am in agreement with the criticisms because he is actually right. I'm not so self obsessed I can't see it when its pointed out to me.

You know that the issues are and how to solve them. But, are you going to?

You don't sound terribly supportive to someone who has been off ill since July.

Know what the issue are....