Marriage in severe danger.

[Alloverbartheshoutingnow]

I’ll try not to drop feed so this might be long.

We’ve been married for 5 years – together for 8. Generally we have a great relationship, on the same wavelength – we just clicked from day one.

He’s been married before and has kids with his ex wife, I’ve never wanted kids so it works for us. There is an age gap of 16 years but this has never been a problem. We’re 43 and 59.

I’m self employed and work away a lot during the week – he works full time. We both earn a good salary but I probably bring home three times as much as he does. But as far as I’m concerned it all goes into the same pot and its never been my money and his money.

Anyway, we had a major argument on Saturday that seemed to come out of no where. We were watching the rugby and I was knitting as I normally do. He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”. He was initially in a mood after this but wasn’t forthcoming. Refused to get in the hot tub which we normally do etc. Anyway, says he didn’t want any dinner and stormed upstairs.

I hate arguments and don’t believe in going to bed on an argument or letting things lie so I followed him to try to get him to talk about it.

And that’s when it kicked off. Turns out he feels ignored as all I do every minute of the day when I’m home is knit. I will admit its my default when watching TV but I thought it was just something I did whilst being there. Apparently I don’t talk, if I’m watching TV I just listen to it – got told its like he’s living with someone who’s ignoring him constantly. That all I want to do of a weekend when I’m home is sleep, knit and watch TV as an excuse for knitting. He wasn’t sure why I bothered coming home. And he is right, that is pretty much all I’ve wanted to do recently.

Said to me, how would I like it if I came home and he had his head in a book all weekend and everything was "just let me finish this chapter" because it was the same thing.

I think that was the trigger for it but then a whole load of stuff came out. How he is embarrassed by me these days since I’ve put on 6 stone (was already 4 stone overweight) and that whilst he’s losing weight I’m gaining it. Ironically I’ve lost a stone since Christmas. That when we do go out, I’m forever getting into arguments with people and I’m constantly judging people. That I don’t care enough about what I look like and most of the time I’ll go out looking like a bag lady. He is correct on all these points. I’ve always been the same but I think as I’ve turned 40 I care less about what other people think.

In general he does anything for me, is always the one to make sure I’m ok, put my needs before his and make sure I’m ok and I think I’ve taken him for granted. In fact I know I have. Its really easy to waltz in and treat the house like he’s my personal maid and I’m staying in a hotel.

Told me at one point that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that we were finished. That we’d put the house up for sale and I’d get “my fair share”.

Queue lots of crying and shouting. I phone my friend and his sister (who said she knew her brother and he was just being an arse etc etc) and ultimately I was about to go to a hotel to give him space (I Couldn’t be in the same house and do that).

When I was about to go, he said he didn’t know why but he didn’t want me to go but he was sick of trying to tell me. I am on the spectrum so I know I don’t pick up on the normal cues – I do remember him mentioning stuff but I thought he was joking about it. He said that I should have given him space when he went up to bed and not followed him up and backed him into a corner.

So yesterday we to the town where I stay whilst away to spend the night with family – he was going up to visit his family in Scotland until Thursday. When we stopped for a bite to eat he said “he still didn’t know what to do as you can’t just have an argument like that and forget about it”. I pointed out that I can’t go back and wave a wand and undo anything but I’ve taken on board what he said and I didn’t realise it was coming across the way it was.

He’s now on his way to his Sisters. He did tell me he loved me last night (although he added onto it that I’m a pain in the arse) and gave me a cuddle in bed but he’s still being really distant in general.

Part of me is saying to just leave it and give him space and trying to push it will make it worse. But I’m in bits and barely holding it together in work.

You don’t seem to be very good at reading social situations or cues or know what to do OP and you’re floundering and making it worse.
Yes, that's what autistic people do... Get it wrong, try desperately to get it right, screw it up further, keep digging until some bloke appears at the bottom of the hole and says 'G'day! Bonza weather, have you seen my boomerang?'!
(For the sake of those who don't understand odd humour that means you've dug down to Australia. Note for the easily-offended - I don't actually think that Australians talk like that constantly)

FriarTuck that's not what 'autistic people's do at all.

Most people with autism, who know they kiss social cues, come up with other ways.

My son has HFA, we have to teach him things. Including if someone is trying to talk to you, listen. Don't just assume it's not important.

Alot of people with autism also can pick up social cues, from those close to them over time. Because they try to pay attention. They have to remind themselves that it might be important to that person.

Many become hyper aware of others social cues, to the point t of anxiety. Because they don't want to miss these ques.

Some people autism don't have this issue at all. Having autism isn't an excuse for doing what the OP is doing. She admits herself, she knows these were wrong. But as she got to 40, cared less. Especially the bit about arguing with people when out.

Besides which op says she is 'on the spectrum' but refuses to clarify what that means. Which could mean, she actually doesnt give a shit and self diagnosed from an online test and uses that as an excuse to ignore her husbands concerns.

There isn't one way people with autism behave.

Well excuse me from saying what I, as an autistic adult, do!

Yes, I try very hard to get it right, to learn from my mistakes, to listen really hard and so on. But despite doing my very, very best to get it right I can still get it wrong. And then when I try really, really hard to put that right I make it 10 times worse.
I'm not saying that autism is an excuse at all, I'm saying that it can be a reason. You don't notice things the same because you're in a little bubble. You try really hard but you just don't. And the older you get with autism, the harder it becomes to fake it and try to be like everyone else. You have zero experience of that because you don't have autism and your son is a child.
Everyone with autism is different, but I can see similarities in myself with OP and I get where she's coming from. So do NOT patronise me and pretend that you know autism better because if we're going to play the Top Trumps of Autism game then Adult With Autism trumps Adult With Child With Autism.

Well excuse me from saying what I, as an autistic adult, do!

Who said you cant speak for yourself? What you cant do is speak for all people with autism.

Did I say my son was my only experience with autism? No I didn't. I mentioned my son and what I do with him. That's not my exclusive experience. Autism runs through my biological family.

The OP is fully aware that her actions don't make for a great marriage. He has tried lots of times to bring it to her attention and she didn't care enough. She thought it was joke.

My point was everyone with autism is different. So you cant just say 'autistic people do xyz'.

No one is playing top trumps, but I will point out that people with autism (adult or child) all act one way.

I refuse to accept that. My mother has txted him to tell him how broken I am over it

It's that attitude that's going to see you divorced. My ex came out with all the shit you're coming out with and it royally pissed me off, I ended up despising him.

Leave him alone, if you want to change then do it for you. Don't expect him to give you a chance first, it's cringe worthy.

Just let him be, if he wants to keep in touch he will but you're going to have to go back to basics of getting to know each other again if you stand any chance at all.

I refuse to accept that.

Well that's your problem. He can leave if he wants to whether you like it or not

And by the way, you doing the little things and telling him just show him that you knew it was important to him but you just didn't give a toss. I'd stop doing that if I were you.

This confuses me. If he doesn't want anything more to do with me, why send me that. If we're over, its no concern of mine what he's doing so why is he telling me

This is very black and white thinking - "either he wants to fix our relationship or he's totally over it and wants nothing to do with me".

Even if he is sure that your relationship is over, he probably is still very emotionally engaged with you - angry, sad, frustrated, confused, hurt, upset, etc. So sending you the picture could mean lots of things.

I'm autistic and i have never been this selfish, self centred, passive aggressive, abusive or oblivious of the state of relationship with someone i love - but that's just me and i'm just one autistic person.
Each of us are as unique and as individual as allistic people - so please don't pigeon hole us and expect us all to be replicas of the stereotype that gets bandied about.

OP, I need to shoot off to work so hopefully will be back later to try and give you more insight from my perspective as a fellow HFA.
For now i want to ask you - have you been officially diagnosed? That doesn't matter in itself, just that you seem to have an extreme lack of self awareness and i'm wondering if you've ever had - or sought - help on how to manage being autistic and the challenges it presents for you?
If you haven't then you really do need to speak to a professional asap.

How are things OP?? If the thread hasn't scared you off!!

Things are as confusing as ever.

I know what you are all saying but I just don't believe it's over. Its just a feeling. Maybe I'm being stubborn but its how I am.

I went for a drive earlier and realised that if it is over, I have to move away from the area completely. I can't be here with everything reminding me of him,

His sister texted me earlier and said he was seeming a lot better and is talking about coming home tomorrow. I asked her if she thought we had a chance and she said that she did but from what he's saying, things will definitely have to change. She's going to try to call me when he's not with her which might be when she drops him at the station.

But then, I got even more confused. He texted me and said he was thinking of coming home tonight on the sleeper to come home and talk about selling up etc. He asked me if I wanted him to.

I said I wanted him to come home but not under a working assumption we are finished. He said he wants separate rooms and until we sell up - and I said if thats what he wanted and needed space ok but not if it was under the assumption we were selling up

Then we went over old ground again - he said I only wanted separate rooms so I could continue to knit. that I should find someone who doesn't give a fuck about being ignored all day and night. He said he still loved me a lot but he can't trust me.

So I don't know if he's coming home tonight or tomorrow or what. I know I'll be making an effort on my appearance when I go to get him from the station.

If he's going to come back into the house and live together (but in separate rooms) initially I will show him I've changed. But if he wants to live totally separately whilst here, I can't do that. I can't be around him and not have feelings for him and want to act on it. It will kill me.

If it comes to that, I'll pack my clothes and essentials and go live with my mum for six months as that is near to where I'm working at the moment. That way I can afford to pay for this house until it's sold.

He can take responsibility for most of the admin as its his choice not mine.

I will then face the harsh reality that I'll be 43, single, with only two friends in the world as I've managed to alienate most of them and having to start again somewhere new.

Its really hard to establish a life when you live on the road due to work.

I can't even watch TV. We had the same taste in TV so most of what we watched we watched together.

I keep putting things on and realising I haven't got him to watch them with and it seems hollow

Tell his sister you don't want to discuss it with her. He has confided in her and he needs that. He doesnt need you being involved in it.

You may be stubborn.....but hows that working out for you? You can either carry on with the 'I am stubborn' and that's how it is or realise you are alienating everyone and try to change a little bit. Even if it's over with him, do you want to carry on like this?

Maintaining relationships while working away is easier if you don't alienate people when you see them.

OP, how do you get on at work. I work with programmers and while they love their job, they all also get on with their coworkers.

From a purely practical point of view that will help whether he comes back or whether you go your separate ways why don’t you employ a cleaner/ someone to change the bed linen/ iron etc? Continue on the weight loss and buy some new clothes that you like but are perhaps a bit smarter and perhaps have your hair styled- it can still be casual but you’ll look more groomed- I’m not saying change yourself but re jog your life which will help no matter what you both end up doing?

I get on very well at work - most contracts I end up friends with people. Its just I move on and it dwindles to facebook contacts as they are normally in a separate part of the world.

I've just been talking to my mum and said this to her - about me being 43 with one friend and her. And she said tis the way I talk to people as if they are beneath me. Again, I didn't realise I did unless they are being idiots and talking in txt spk. And that there is probably part of the problem.

I didn't realise I was such a horrible person.

Are you the same person who posted about your mum being annoyed at you leaving your room at her house in a mess?

yes

@Alloverbartheshoutingnow

You aren't a horrible person. You're having a sudden and totally overwhelming opportunity to do some self reflection and make some parts of your life happier and more fulfilling.

So maybe this is a chance for you to make some changes - make more friends you love, reconnect with people, find a way to be yourself but be a little more gentle around others, find love (whether existing or new person) and show that love to someone now you know what the little things are... sorry you're sad I know it's shit at the moment

I thought I recognised your situation and posting style.
It sounds like cleaning/tidying up after yourself is generally a bit of an issue.
I can’t see whether you’ve confirmed it above but are you diagnosed as being autistic?

No I'm not officially diagnosed but we have it officially diagnosed in the family and I recognise a lot of the traits in me.

Oh you poor thing. It is really not the time to go looking for people to say bad things about you! You need some support.

For what it is worth, I agree with Lweji that the fault here is on both sides. You cannot go blaming yourself for everything. Yes, it sounds like you have taken your husband for granted, but he sounds unreasonably jealous of your knitting! I also don’t get why he is playing the system.

He may well be fed up of things, and the best thing you can do is give him some space. Do all the things you suggest (like carry on losing weight, don’t pick arguments, keep the house tidy) but do it for you and your self-esteem! You are good at your job and you must have been able to keep fit and healthy before, so the letting yourself go seems to have come from your accident and then being married. Maybe you need some space as well to get back on track for yourself.

Don’t beg him to stay. Just work out what you need to do for your mental and physical health and do it. See what happens when things settle down a bit.

Again, I didn't realise I did unless they are being idiots and talking in txt spk. And that there is probably part of the problem.

You are right. That is part of the problem. You seem to think it's ok to talk down to someone if they talk in text speak. You argue with people who you feel are wrong and force you opinions.

But that's the past. Whether your marriage is over or not. You can change these things for yourself moving forward. Or you can carry on, as you said you don't really care what others think. Though FWIW, I don't think that's a true assessment.

You aren't a horrible person, I don't know about the thread about leaving a mess at your mums. But (assuming her issue was similar to your husbands) you need to start pulling your weight in looking after yourself. Everyone isn't around to do that.

Reflect and look at what you can change. If you want to. Plenty of people don't want to change but are happy having few friends or relationships.

I am intrigued that you form relationships at work, manage to get contracts and make friends. You cant argue and talk down to them, if that happens? You just give something back to them, to create the friendship.

Why can you do it at work but not at home? Do you think that somewhere, you believe your job and pay makes you better so you are willing to put the effort in there, you maintain the job and pay? To keep that status, as it were? That's not judgment. Just a question.

I honestly didn't think I talked down to people I know.

I do know I do it to strangers but to my mind they are strangers so what does it matter. But if you were my friend or husband, I would never talk down to you. Or so I thought.

Clearly that is not true.

Even if they’re strangers, habitually talking down to people isn’t a pleasant behaviour.