Marriage in severe danger.

[Alloverbartheshoutingnow]

I’ll try not to drop feed so this might be long.

We’ve been married for 5 years – together for 8. Generally we have a great relationship, on the same wavelength – we just clicked from day one.

He’s been married before and has kids with his ex wife, I’ve never wanted kids so it works for us. There is an age gap of 16 years but this has never been a problem. We’re 43 and 59.

I’m self employed and work away a lot during the week – he works full time. We both earn a good salary but I probably bring home three times as much as he does. But as far as I’m concerned it all goes into the same pot and its never been my money and his money.

Anyway, we had a major argument on Saturday that seemed to come out of no where. We were watching the rugby and I was knitting as I normally do. He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”. He was initially in a mood after this but wasn’t forthcoming. Refused to get in the hot tub which we normally do etc. Anyway, says he didn’t want any dinner and stormed upstairs.

I hate arguments and don’t believe in going to bed on an argument or letting things lie so I followed him to try to get him to talk about it.

And that’s when it kicked off. Turns out he feels ignored as all I do every minute of the day when I’m home is knit. I will admit its my default when watching TV but I thought it was just something I did whilst being there. Apparently I don’t talk, if I’m watching TV I just listen to it – got told its like he’s living with someone who’s ignoring him constantly. That all I want to do of a weekend when I’m home is sleep, knit and watch TV as an excuse for knitting. He wasn’t sure why I bothered coming home. And he is right, that is pretty much all I’ve wanted to do recently.

Said to me, how would I like it if I came home and he had his head in a book all weekend and everything was "just let me finish this chapter" because it was the same thing.

I think that was the trigger for it but then a whole load of stuff came out. How he is embarrassed by me these days since I’ve put on 6 stone (was already 4 stone overweight) and that whilst he’s losing weight I’m gaining it. Ironically I’ve lost a stone since Christmas. That when we do go out, I’m forever getting into arguments with people and I’m constantly judging people. That I don’t care enough about what I look like and most of the time I’ll go out looking like a bag lady. He is correct on all these points. I’ve always been the same but I think as I’ve turned 40 I care less about what other people think.

In general he does anything for me, is always the one to make sure I’m ok, put my needs before his and make sure I’m ok and I think I’ve taken him for granted. In fact I know I have. Its really easy to waltz in and treat the house like he’s my personal maid and I’m staying in a hotel.

Told me at one point that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that we were finished. That we’d put the house up for sale and I’d get “my fair share”.

Queue lots of crying and shouting. I phone my friend and his sister (who said she knew her brother and he was just being an arse etc etc) and ultimately I was about to go to a hotel to give him space (I Couldn’t be in the same house and do that).

When I was about to go, he said he didn’t know why but he didn’t want me to go but he was sick of trying to tell me. I am on the spectrum so I know I don’t pick up on the normal cues – I do remember him mentioning stuff but I thought he was joking about it. He said that I should have given him space when he went up to bed and not followed him up and backed him into a corner.

So yesterday we to the town where I stay whilst away to spend the night with family – he was going up to visit his family in Scotland until Thursday. When we stopped for a bite to eat he said “he still didn’t know what to do as you can’t just have an argument like that and forget about it”. I pointed out that I can’t go back and wave a wand and undo anything but I’ve taken on board what he said and I didn’t realise it was coming across the way it was.

He’s now on his way to his Sisters. He did tell me he loved me last night (although he added onto it that I’m a pain in the arse) and gave me a cuddle in bed but he’s still being really distant in general.

Part of me is saying to just leave it and give him space and trying to push it will make it worse. But I’m in bits and barely holding it together in work.

What was the message before all of that?

He sounds exhausted. Leave him alone for a while. Get your head around this. There aren't endless chances. I hope he finds another, but if he doesn't, you have to respect his decision.

This must be so hard for you.
But.... for now, he's done!
Stop begging.
Stop contacting him.
Let him have some space.
Once you've had a good few days apart then you can come together to discuss everything.
You need to make a list of your issues.
What you intend to do to resolve them.
Then make of list of his issues.
And what he can do to resolve them (if he has any of course)
I would also suggest, if he's open to it, marriage counselling.
Good luck OP.

He may love you but sincerely not want to live with you anymore. The two are not exclusive.

You can love someone in the past whilst knowing that walking away was the right thing to do for yourself.

I think he’s at the end of the road, sorry OP. He certainly doesn’t sound like he wants to work on things.

He sounds a bit depressed to me. A bit down on himself.
You need to talk, properly, face to face. And I'd suggest marriage counselling with a proper plan of what you're both going to do differently (you need to make the most effort but equally he may need to work on being clearer and on being more assertive) with clear time-fixed goals. You can't let it drag on like this and it sounds like he's not prepared to, so you need to be able to show him categorically that you're making the effort.

He has been trying for years.

You have ignored how he feels and now want him to give it one last chance, now you have decided you care enough. It's not fair.

It honestly come across that you have spent alot of years believing you are better than other people, that they must listen to you and do as you want and that you have no need to compromise for them.

The time to change was while he still cared.

Quite honestly he sounds exhausted and completely ground down OP, why on earth should he believe you this time when clearly he's been saying this for years?
I don't blame him one bit for calling time, I'm surprised it's lasted this long.
At least give him the opportunity to bow out gracefully without you haranguing him.

I am so sorry that your partner has decided to end your marriage. What screams out from your messages is just what a shock this is for you.

I have to say that, unlike other posters, I don't see the fault as all on your side. I am not sure it's the crime of the century not to respond to a man's request for a blowjob instantly (!) I don't think he showed himself in a very good light reacting the way he did and throwing a strop that you didn't instantly drop everything to attend to his cock. I also do not think that exploding at someone about their weight or behaviour is a healthy way of tackling a problem: these are subjects that need to be brought up gently, supportively, and tactfully. Instead of yelling at you that you are unattractive, maybe he could accompany you in a positive and supportive way through a programme of walking and then couch to 5k.

Yes, there are assuredly things that are 'on you' here too. Fighting with other people when you're out isn't the most attractive trait, but you already know that. And maybe you could have been more attentive and communicative rather than knitting. But these aren't huge crimes. Taking someone else's domestic labour for granted isn't on either, and you need to treat anyone you are with with more respect and dignity - but, at the same time, I think it's fair to ask the partner who isn't working or bringing up kids to shoulder more of a burden of housework than the person who is working very long hours. While he deserves recognition for his contribution, I'm not sure he deserves some massive medal of honour for being super-exceptional or anything.

In short, I'm not of the opinion that this is entirely 'your fault' or that you are the one 'in the wrong'. He doesn't come out of this smelling of roses either.

I certainly wouldn’t drop what I was doing to give DH a blow job while he was watching the rugby!

That text exchange just shows that you're still not listening to him. You've had 5 years to change and haven't bothered, sounds like he's had enough. I'm pretty sure he's not just in a huff cause he didn't get a blow job 🙄

downcasteyes if you read the text exchange he says its not all her. Also the BJ was a joke that they have between them, as op has said several times.

It was probably that yet again, her response was after her knitting.

If you have tried for 5 years to get your spouse to treat you like a spouse and not a maid/housekeeper a little thing like that, even as joke, can set you off.

OP is only now, sort of listening, because he is ending it. She couldn't listen when it upset him, but didn't impact her. Now its impacting her she is bothered.

No, of course there are other issues - but a few seconds of delay on the blowjob was the trigger for a MAJOR strop. Whatever the condition of the relationship outside of that interaction, you do not get to demand sex this second from your partner like that!

He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”.

He made a joke comment about a blow job.

If you haven't listened to him over the years do so now. If you're naturally argumentative, don't argue or wheedle or harangue him now. Otherwise you're basically continuing to do all the things he has said are intolerable, and it'll just stiffen his resolve.

It's pretty clear from that exchange that it's over and you're refusing to listen to him. Give him some space and work on yourself.

Well he said some pretty harsh things but you seem to agree with them. I suppose the question is, are you prepared to change anything?

First reply sounds spot on to me. You don't actually disagree with any of the complaints he made - and there were a lot of them! Tbh he sounds completely tired out and I wouldn't blame him if he'd rather end the relationship now than try to fix the many problems there are already.

Slightly different perspective, OP - why is he off sick? Is it related to depression/stress/anxiety? I have tried to support DH through a 6 month period of sick leave for depression, and tbh, you get worn down by it and you do detach. Even if his ultimate reason for being off isn't depression, whatever illness/injury is causing him to be off could also be causing depression.

I don't think you can do anything about it other than take his word for him being unhappy and wanting to give up (you certainly should not suggest that it isn't him, it's the illness/depression talking!), but I don't think you necessarily need to shoulder all the blame either. If he's not in a good space mentally he might be hyper-sensitive to every little thing you do, which is making him critical. When DH is particularly depressed he nitpicks at everything I do/don't do. Similar arguments about me reading to yours about knitting. I take the view that I read like crazy before I met him and he knew that from day one and I've always done it. I don't think you need to stop knitting at all - it's a perfectly normal activity, and it's perfectly possible to knit and hold a conversation at the same time. I think that a hobby like that is part of you and your personality, and therefore non-negotiable.

It's hard to tell if the problem really is with you or him, OP, IMO.

A lot of what he says about you could be him projecting or being too sensitive.
Your answer to his BJ joke would probably sound jokey to most people too. It's odd that it didn't.
I would (did) also take unkindly to a partner who threw strops because I was knitting/MNetting/reading instead of giving him my full attention. Unless he's tried nicer approaches or you had agreed to spend some quality time with him. The rugby wouldn't be something I'd want to give my full attention to, unless I was a big fan. Even so, I tend to do something else that doesn't require my full attention while watching things I like.
But it is sad to feel lonely in company, I'll give him that.

Him wanting you to lose weight, and criticising you for not losing it, raised at least a yellow flag for me.

Even though you admit to most of his criticism of you, I wonder if you should. Maybe for the most part, maybe not.
We'd need more information, and perhaps to be more familiar with both of you.

But...
in any case, don't try and force him to stay.
If he's being unfair, then you're putting yourself in a position of loss of power, trying to change yourself for him.
If he's not unfair, then you owe it to him to let him go.

At best I'd try and suggest joint counselling, while living separately (if he wants to), to sort out some of these issues and get a third party perspective.

In any case, stop begging.

He sounds like a good egg who is just exhausted and running on empty after trying to make things work and feeling (rightly or wrongly) that he's the only one doing so.

It's so hard in your position not to pester and beg for reassurance but that will push him away further and actions speak louder than words.

Can you agree a day (3/5/7 days time) to sit down and talk - maybe agree no contact until then unless an emergency.

Use that time to really really think about how the relationship can improve. Tangible, real, actionable and kind suggestions rather than "I'll change" "give me a chance" etc. Timeframes e.g. Once a week we will eat out together and talk about something positive we've done during the week... once a fortnight we'll go somewhere together that we went ages ago and loved... Writing a letter can help get this across without confrontation so both parties can process it without kneejerk reactions.

Ultimately although it hurts, sometimes people really have reached their limits and you must respect his feelings on this while of course expressing your own.

It's such a horrrible truth and a bloody hard learned one but sometimes love isn't enough and life gets in the way.

I hope things get better for you soon

"He made a joke comment about a blow job."

I think one of us is mistaken. The way I read it

• the DH made a joke about 'his afternoon blowjob'. Which was actually a request for an afternoon blowjob.
• the OP agreed to give him a blowjob 'when I've finished this row'
• the fact that the OP had the temerity to suggest a delay of some seconds to giving him a blowjob caused his small, fragile male ego to implode and he started to sulk. Refused to get in the hot tub, refused to eat his dinner (what is he, 9 years old?)
• When questioned about why he was sulking, he threw a strop about her prioritising the knitting, not talking to him while the TV was on, looking like 'a bag lady' (not acceptable) and the fact that he feels taken for granted around the house.

Note: She was actually going to give him a BJ, she just asked him to wait a sec, presumably because knitting is hard and it's difficult to put down in the middle of a row.

How are you today OP?

OP- you have admitted that you are morbidly obese, dress like a bag lady, are argumentative in company and all you do is sit and knit (and eat presumably as it takes a lot of food to maintain being 10 stone overweight). Your DP sounds at the end of his tether. Try to have some compassion for his point of view and get some help to sort yourself out. Personally I think he should leave but he might just be tired and frustrated.

Well I don’t think you are in the wrong. You earn three times his income and are overweight. Personally I think there is a massive link to stress, cortisol and a womans’s weight. Not everyone loses weight when they are stressed. Some put it on. While you are earning he is at home part time taking care of the home. This is what many women do but he objects. You like to knit to relax, he objects to your hobby as he thinks you are not focusing on him. To add insult to injury he has then told you your fortune.

I'm holding it together just.

Lots more text messages exchanged - and much the same.

He feels taken for granted and used and doesn't see the point.

I refuse to accept that. My mother has txted him to tell him how broken I am over it.

He did silly things like put the heating on for me getting home (we have HIVE and Alexa so he can do it from where he is).

I know its such a small thing but why would he bother if he didn't care.

Isn't he away at his sisters this week?

Why is your mother getting involved now? That is sure to annoy him even more.

Stop texting and phone him if he/you are away. You need to talk to him and don't let other people interfere.

He's put the heating on as its what he is used to doing most likely.

You cannot refuse to accept what is happening OP. Its happening and you need to deal with it. You need to talk.