Marriage in severe danger.

[Alloverbartheshoutingnow]

I’ll try not to drop feed so this might be long.

We’ve been married for 5 years – together for 8. Generally we have a great relationship, on the same wavelength – we just clicked from day one.

He’s been married before and has kids with his ex wife, I’ve never wanted kids so it works for us. There is an age gap of 16 years but this has never been a problem. We’re 43 and 59.

I’m self employed and work away a lot during the week – he works full time. We both earn a good salary but I probably bring home three times as much as he does. But as far as I’m concerned it all goes into the same pot and its never been my money and his money.

Anyway, we had a major argument on Saturday that seemed to come out of no where. We were watching the rugby and I was knitting as I normally do. He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”. He was initially in a mood after this but wasn’t forthcoming. Refused to get in the hot tub which we normally do etc. Anyway, says he didn’t want any dinner and stormed upstairs.

I hate arguments and don’t believe in going to bed on an argument or letting things lie so I followed him to try to get him to talk about it.

And that’s when it kicked off. Turns out he feels ignored as all I do every minute of the day when I’m home is knit. I will admit its my default when watching TV but I thought it was just something I did whilst being there. Apparently I don’t talk, if I’m watching TV I just listen to it – got told its like he’s living with someone who’s ignoring him constantly. That all I want to do of a weekend when I’m home is sleep, knit and watch TV as an excuse for knitting. He wasn’t sure why I bothered coming home. And he is right, that is pretty much all I’ve wanted to do recently.

Said to me, how would I like it if I came home and he had his head in a book all weekend and everything was "just let me finish this chapter" because it was the same thing.

I think that was the trigger for it but then a whole load of stuff came out. How he is embarrassed by me these days since I’ve put on 6 stone (was already 4 stone overweight) and that whilst he’s losing weight I’m gaining it. Ironically I’ve lost a stone since Christmas. That when we do go out, I’m forever getting into arguments with people and I’m constantly judging people. That I don’t care enough about what I look like and most of the time I’ll go out looking like a bag lady. He is correct on all these points. I’ve always been the same but I think as I’ve turned 40 I care less about what other people think.

In general he does anything for me, is always the one to make sure I’m ok, put my needs before his and make sure I’m ok and I think I’ve taken him for granted. In fact I know I have. Its really easy to waltz in and treat the house like he’s my personal maid and I’m staying in a hotel.

Told me at one point that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that we were finished. That we’d put the house up for sale and I’d get “my fair share”.

Queue lots of crying and shouting. I phone my friend and his sister (who said she knew her brother and he was just being an arse etc etc) and ultimately I was about to go to a hotel to give him space (I Couldn’t be in the same house and do that).

When I was about to go, he said he didn’t know why but he didn’t want me to go but he was sick of trying to tell me. I am on the spectrum so I know I don’t pick up on the normal cues – I do remember him mentioning stuff but I thought he was joking about it. He said that I should have given him space when he went up to bed and not followed him up and backed him into a corner.

So yesterday we to the town where I stay whilst away to spend the night with family – he was going up to visit his family in Scotland until Thursday. When we stopped for a bite to eat he said “he still didn’t know what to do as you can’t just have an argument like that and forget about it”. I pointed out that I can’t go back and wave a wand and undo anything but I’ve taken on board what he said and I didn’t realise it was coming across the way it was.

He’s now on his way to his Sisters. He did tell me he loved me last night (although he added onto it that I’m a pain in the arse) and gave me a cuddle in bed but he’s still being really distant in general.

Part of me is saying to just leave it and give him space and trying to push it will make it worse. But I’m in bits and barely holding it together in work.

This is not about me. You and you alone have fucked our marriage

Just before it goes, I am always suspicious of statements like this, OP. You may have a lot of work to do on yourself but I doubt he is perfect and has never contributed to your problems.

No- I’ve asked for it to be deleted because it was wrong of me to post the text message conversation like that. That is all

I don’t know why you all think I’m not taking it on board because I am

Yes I posted about moving yesterday because if we split that is what I will do

OP, you can ask MN to delete those messages with the text chat in them. That way you can keep the good advice posts handy.

I think you need to stop thinking me me me and start thinking in how can you make everyones life better. Even when your DP wants to come home your first reaction is that it has to be on your terms of a second chance. No thought in there for him. When you are in public you can try to be pleasant to everyone. You are not god (faaar from it) it's not your place to judge others. Nobody enjoys making beds or cleaning up, it's something we do to have a nice home. Try doing that, keep in your mind: how can I make the lives better of those who are around me now? That goes for actions and words.

This is not about me. You and you alone have fucked our marriage

Alarm bells and red flags big time. There is no chance that he's an angel who's done nothing wrong.

He's basically guaranteed himself 3 months of constant blowjobs, sex and OP falling over herself to "prove" herself. He's clearly checked out of the relationship but wants to enjoy op being all over him.

This is not about me. You and you alone have fucked our marriage

Just before it goes, I am always suspicious of statements like this, OP. You may have a lot of work to do on yourself but I doubt he is perfect and has never contributed to your problems.

Me too.
I'd be very wary of being "on trial" for 3 months without any recognition of his faults or him trying to improve too.
As previously mentioned, his demand for a bj ("joke") and his criticism of how you dress and your weight raise some yellow flags. Although it could be his reaction to your demeaning attitudes towards him. A way of getting an upperhand of sorts, showing that you're not as perfect as you demand of others.

My main concern, as well, is that you can change your behaviour, but I don't think you'll change your attitude towards other people.
You will continue to think others are idiots and that they shouldn't inconvenience you, aren't you?
It will be a matter of time until you start putting down people, having strops at people making noise, etc again, won't it?

What Gummybear said! Be very careful OP, I'm not as harsh on you as some posters here. This rings real alarm bells for me.

"This is not about me. You and you alone have fucked our marriage

Alarm bells and red flags big time. There is no chance that he's an angel who's done nothing wrong.

He's basically guaranteed himself 3 months of constant blowjobs, sex and OP falling over herself to "prove" herself. He's clearly checked out of the relationship but wants to enjoy op being all over him."

Ita not just about you. I doubt he is here t either

Yes you need to change but dont let him become controlling.

Could you attend some counselling sessions together?
I'm glad you are getting another chance but please don't be that person that now does everything while he watches.
You won't be perfect.
No-one is, so make sure he is not expecting perfection.
That is way too much to live up to.
He may also move the goal-posts. Again, don't allow that.
One step at time. You can't miraculously be a different person.

You can't change your self over night, you need to talk it through with someone to help you, maybe a counsellor. Have you thought about adhd as well ? It might explain the knitt8ng, the mess, etc

As pp have said I would ask just for the text message posts to be deleted. There is support here for the longer term if you want it, and I think you will need it.

I would second those suggesting counselling. It seems like there are issues in your marriage which both of you need to address

I agree that some form of therapy is an option worth exploring. It may not save your marriage, but developing better communication skills and strategies to cope with frustration would be a positive outcome in any case. Your descriptions of interactions with people in public are quite troubling. I can only imagine how stressful that must be for your husband, always on edge, waiting for these regular explosions. You mentioned that these aggressive outbursts occur approximately once a month. If I were in your husband's shoes, I might have stayed with you after the first one (assuming it to be a one-off). However, if it had happened again, I would have been out the door like a shot. But putting up with years and years of that? No, thank you.

I have no idea how much your husband has contributed to the current crisis in your marriage. He may not be blameless (people rarely are). But it does sound as though he has reached the end of his tether. I truly wish you the best, whatever the outcome of this relationship.

How are you doing now, op? Did you talk with him?

OP, I’ve read all this, and I’m concerned.

I don’t buy into this ‘hero-villian’ dynamic.

That’s for fairy tales and films, and it doesn’t tend to play out in real life relationships out of abuse situations.

You are in shock and desperate to save your relationship. You’ve had a torch shined on some aspects of your behaviour and you don’t like what you see, which is good as that insight could be the first step to change.

But you are also taking on all the blame and are saying you’ll do anything and will change in any way your partner asks in order to get him to stay.

And that’s not going to work out.

As another poster says:
“That's not the way you fix a marriage - it's a way of changing the power dynamic”

Please get counselling. Both on your own and also as a couple.

He needs to work at this relationship too. He cannot sit in judgement and NOT harm this relationship.

Hi

Just thought I'd come back and give an update.

Firstly, he does acknowledge his fault or contribution to the dynamic.

We've spent a lot of time in the last few days talking and I don't believe it was any one thing that caused the meltdown of our relationship.

The weight, the ignoring him (although I still I didn’t realise I was), the lack of making an effort about my appearance, biting everyones heads off and combined with all of that, treating him like a house keeper.

In fact, my best friend and my mother have both confirmed they are in agreement with him on all of the above.

He accepts he's never going to get his perfect fantasy woman and I know he doesn't want that. But as he said, what I was when he met me was nothing like I'd become

Of the above, the biggest one that will be a problem for me to fix is actually the taking care of my appearance. I just genuinely don't really bother that much. I resent the extra hour a day it takes out of my time (by the time you add up doing hair, putting make up on, taking make up off) - I could be doing something more interesting. I also resent the fact that men are not expected to make that effort but women are. But I'll make the effort He's said he doesnt expect me to do it every day but I know what I'm like. If I don't make the effort and get into a habit every day, I won't do it all. I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.

The arguing with people is another big one - and if I'm honest I don't like doing it - well I don't like how I feel afterwards. That is something I've been working on for a while anyways but further work is needed. He says he doesn't even mind me going off on one when provoked, its the unprovoked flips that piss him off. Whereas in my mine, it wasn't that I was provoked but I figured, if someone pisses me off and ruins my day/activity, why should they get off scott free without payback. Not saying its right but that was my justification.

I will keep this updated as things progress just in case anyone is actually interested. At the moment I do feel a bit vindicated against all the naysayers who said he was done and to back off. If i'd have backed off, he would have thought I didnt care as that is not something I would ever do.

I am not minimising whats happened and realise we came very close to splitting and we're not out of the woods yet, Losing weight between now and June will be the tester. If I manage that (and I will) then everything else is workable.

By chasing him that much, you've given him too much power in the relationship.
And you're really going to put make up on every day because of him?

Control your weight for yourself, if it's something that's an issue for you, but not to have him back.

And make sure you do have time for yourself and don't feel that you have to pay attention to him all the time, under the threat of him walking out.

What has he acknowledged as his fault, btw?

It really doesn’t take an hour a day to look presentable!

Also, make up doesn't equate presentable.

I'm interested! Thank you for updating.

I'm not going to second guess what is going on- you, your friend and your mum are there so I'll let you work it out.

Rather than spending an hour on hair and make up, how about doing a couple of things that make a big difference? For me it's lipstick and mascara. It takes seconds, but makes a big impact. To do the rest- foundation, eyeshadow, blusher etc takes a lot longer and really doesn't add much. For you it could be the other way around.

Good luck on the weight loss and exercise!

You know you seem to be making all the concessions, I’m sure he’s not perfect. As a previous poster said some concealer, blush and lipstick make a huge difference and take a couple of minutes. Book a wash and blow dry in every week and that’s your hair done for 3 days. Have a gel mani/pedi as they last a couple of weeks. I get it your are impatient but you can do this easily.

Sometimes when you have to be assertive in work you can’t just play the little woman in the rest of your life. You may have to have a certain amount of aggression in business or people will walk all over you. Please make sure he values you and your contribution. It’s not all about what he wants. Be lucky

It doesnt take an hour to put on some decent clothes or make yourself presentable

I also disagree that men dont need to make an effort. If my dp just wore 'bag man's clothes, I wouldn't be impressed either.

What changes is he making?

People dont provoke you. You just think they are idiots and deserve what you say to them. I am shocked that no one has retaliated.

I still think you shouldn't have chased him. You are making changes you dont want to do and feel are wrong and that you shouldn't have to do.

Chasing him and begging him and agreeing to do whatever he wants, wont help in the long run.

The thing is that you should care about your appearance for yourself, and for your own self esteem, OP. Not to keep your husband happy.

Why do you go out looking like a "bag lady"? And do you really?

You do have some serious issues to sort out in relation to people around you. They are not out to get you or to inconvenience you.
People just tend to be a little thoughtless, like you are in relation to some things.

But I'm still worried you are trying to hang on to your husband at any cost.
Or you're focusing too much on red herrings, while putting less effort in actually changing your attitudes towards other people.

Ok - so another update and hopefully the final one.

DH and I have spent a lot of time talking and we are ok. He's accepted he does take a lot of the blame for some things including forgetting that I don't see things or pick up on things the way some others do.

We have some defined boundaries like no knitting on a Saturday night as that is our night (although he has relaxed that one since his niece has just had premie twins and I've been asked by the family to knit a couple of baby blankets in double quick time).

From my side I am making the effort.

And to answer the question about did I really go out looking like a bag lady? That might have been a slight exaggeration but I did just grab what ever came to hand and didn't really care. All I did was brush my hair - didnt do anything else with it (still dont really other than put mousse on it).

He has also admitted he over reacted with the "its over" but he has also admitted that if I had just left it, he wouldn't have admitted he was wrong.

He's also said the three month thing was stupid idea and as far as he's concerned we're stuck for life.

SO I think we are in a much better place than a month ago.

Glad you are feeling better. Be careful though. Don't let him blow up at you at intervals, and try and keep on top of yourself.