Marriage in severe danger.

[Alloverbartheshoutingnow]

I’ll try not to drop feed so this might be long.

We’ve been married for 5 years – together for 8. Generally we have a great relationship, on the same wavelength – we just clicked from day one.

He’s been married before and has kids with his ex wife, I’ve never wanted kids so it works for us. There is an age gap of 16 years but this has never been a problem. We’re 43 and 59.

I’m self employed and work away a lot during the week – he works full time. We both earn a good salary but I probably bring home three times as much as he does. But as far as I’m concerned it all goes into the same pot and its never been my money and his money.

Anyway, we had a major argument on Saturday that seemed to come out of no where. We were watching the rugby and I was knitting as I normally do. He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”. He was initially in a mood after this but wasn’t forthcoming. Refused to get in the hot tub which we normally do etc. Anyway, says he didn’t want any dinner and stormed upstairs.

I hate arguments and don’t believe in going to bed on an argument or letting things lie so I followed him to try to get him to talk about it.

And that’s when it kicked off. Turns out he feels ignored as all I do every minute of the day when I’m home is knit. I will admit its my default when watching TV but I thought it was just something I did whilst being there. Apparently I don’t talk, if I’m watching TV I just listen to it – got told its like he’s living with someone who’s ignoring him constantly. That all I want to do of a weekend when I’m home is sleep, knit and watch TV as an excuse for knitting. He wasn’t sure why I bothered coming home. And he is right, that is pretty much all I’ve wanted to do recently.

Said to me, how would I like it if I came home and he had his head in a book all weekend and everything was "just let me finish this chapter" because it was the same thing.

I think that was the trigger for it but then a whole load of stuff came out. How he is embarrassed by me these days since I’ve put on 6 stone (was already 4 stone overweight) and that whilst he’s losing weight I’m gaining it. Ironically I’ve lost a stone since Christmas. That when we do go out, I’m forever getting into arguments with people and I’m constantly judging people. That I don’t care enough about what I look like and most of the time I’ll go out looking like a bag lady. He is correct on all these points. I’ve always been the same but I think as I’ve turned 40 I care less about what other people think.

In general he does anything for me, is always the one to make sure I’m ok, put my needs before his and make sure I’m ok and I think I’ve taken him for granted. In fact I know I have. Its really easy to waltz in and treat the house like he’s my personal maid and I’m staying in a hotel.

Told me at one point that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that we were finished. That we’d put the house up for sale and I’d get “my fair share”.

Queue lots of crying and shouting. I phone my friend and his sister (who said she knew her brother and he was just being an arse etc etc) and ultimately I was about to go to a hotel to give him space (I Couldn’t be in the same house and do that).

When I was about to go, he said he didn’t know why but he didn’t want me to go but he was sick of trying to tell me. I am on the spectrum so I know I don’t pick up on the normal cues – I do remember him mentioning stuff but I thought he was joking about it. He said that I should have given him space when he went up to bed and not followed him up and backed him into a corner.

So yesterday we to the town where I stay whilst away to spend the night with family – he was going up to visit his family in Scotland until Thursday. When we stopped for a bite to eat he said “he still didn’t know what to do as you can’t just have an argument like that and forget about it”. I pointed out that I can’t go back and wave a wand and undo anything but I’ve taken on board what he said and I didn’t realise it was coming across the way it was.

He’s now on his way to his Sisters. He did tell me he loved me last night (although he added onto it that I’m a pain in the arse) and gave me a cuddle in bed but he’s still being really distant in general.

Part of me is saying to just leave it and give him space and trying to push it will make it worse. But I’m in bits and barely holding it together in work.

I'm struggling to believe some people actually think this is a bout a blow job,

Op, sounds like you've taken him for granted and he's sick of it. Your appearance, your behaviour in public, your judgement of others, your lack of care at home, your lack of interaction with him. Sounds like he's had enough.

Is it salvageable? I don't know, what have you done so far? Have you tidied your stuff at home, went on a healthy eating regime, thought about how you won't be unpleasant about others? Done anything other than promise him you'll change?

If not I'd think hard about if you really wish to change, or if this is who you are. You can't become someone you're not, not long term. So it might be fairer to both of you to end it, and not drag this out.

He's left.

I am surprised he hasn't blocked you and your mum after that many messages that are refusing to acknowledge what he is telling you - that it is over. You can't bully him back. Give him some respect and only message about sorting things out to separate. He is being straight with you and in my opinion showing quite a lot of care and understanding for you - but has realised the relationship is not making him happy.

What have I done so far.

Well I have lost over a stone since Christmas - so that was already in progress he just didn't know that because I refused to tell him what I weighed.

I made the bed when I go up this morning instead of just leaving it (and I sent him a picture to show him). I've started the laundry.

I'm doing a water change on our fish pond.

In terms of starting an argument in an empty room - I have actually stopped doing that since he pulled me up on it at Christmas.

The problem is I can't show him I wont take him for granted and ignore him again if he wont give me another chance.

lweji - the strop over the BJ sounds like the trigger for a meltdown that then expanded to include a whole range of other issues. And the OP has admitted to being at fault over some of them (like taking him for granted around the house).

I'm just pointing out that I think there's bad and entitled behaviour on his side too here.

I just know that DH adored me, loved me and would have done anything for me.

If I've managed to destroy that, there is no hope for any future relationship because no one will ever love me the way he did.

I made the bed when I go up this morning instead of just leaving it (and I sent him a picture to show him). I've started the laundry.

It's all good and well to make changes but for goodness sake don't show off like that.

It's like when my ex-h would proudly announce he hoovered or whatever (once in a blue moon). All I wanted to do was roll my eyes and ask if he wanted a fucking medal, instead of being ecstatic and grateful as per his expectations.

All I said with it was "ITs the little things that matter"

OK, let's back up a bit.

"I just know that DH adored me, loved me and would have done anything for me."

Look, you've been totally blindsided by this row. The strength of your DH's feeling has come at you as a shock, from out of the blue. I know how you feel. I once had it happen to me - in this case, the person had not mentioned AT ALL that there was a problem (I wasn't failing to pick up hints, they had literally not mentioned anything). When they announced their decision, I was completely dumbfounded, because I thought everything was OK.

You are still in shock, which is understandable. But you need to get over it and accept the new situation. Your DH has not been completely happy for a while. Whether he told you this clearly enough or whether he hid it a bit is a moot point. The situation is now out in the open and you need to deal with it instead of running back to the fictional universe you were inhabiting before. That means accepting that, while your DH loved you, he was also not 100% comfortable in this relationship.

If his texts are still suggesting that his mind is made up, it's time to stop begging and pleading and generally abjecting yourself before him. By all means make the bed and do the laundry and change the pond water - but do it because that's what an independent, grown woman does. Not as a performance to make him return.

"If I've managed to destroy that, there is no hope for any future relationship because no one will ever love me the way he did."

This is codswallop. In fact, it's the kind of thing controlling men want women to think to keep them on a chain. There are always plenty more fish in that big ole sea.

I refuse to accept that. My mother has txted him to tell him how broken I am over it.

That is a big flag that you haven't changed, and that is how he will see it too.

It's not about making the bed one morning because he's not there and you've had a row.

It's about accepting that he's another person and you've treated him pretty poorly, and he's fed up of it. He undoubtedly still loves you but sometimes the right thing to do is to walk away from the people you love and you have no right at all to try and influence that. You do not have the right to refuse to accept that it's over. It's selfish and it disregards him and it's more of the same behaviour that he has complained about.

Stop bringing your mother into it, or his sister, or anyone else. Stop sending him updates on how much you've cried and how broken you are. Do you think he's not? It's not a walk in the park for either of you.

I was with you and hoping that he'd give you another chance, but your posts today don't read like you've changed at all. You're announcing a big change and demanding another chance for it without taking into account his feelings and needs.

You'll push him further away if you're not careful.

I am not being funny op because you are hurting. But are you saying you never even bothered making the bed or doing your laundry?

Then you take a photo? And send it to him? After years of trying to tell you, making the bed once and then making a big deal out of it, is probably going to make it worse. Years of trying to sort it out and ending the marriage and you are showing off that you made the bed, that only you slept in, while he is away.

It was just me trying to show him I am willing to change.

Before, if he was away, I'd probably never bother making the bed. ever.

And I didn't do laundry because as soon as I got home on a Thursday night, he'd have the laundry on and my dirty washing in the washer. There was no laundry to do because he did it all!

After your last post I really don't blame him one bit; you seem to have treated him like a skivvy and servant.
For goodness sake back off and leave him alone - and that applies to your mother and anyone else who you've persuaded to harass him.
And stop sending photos of a made-up bed, what are you expecting, a blinking medal?

OP you mentioned early on you're on the spectrum.
Do you ever discuss this with him? Does he understand the ramifications of this?
Your comments appear almost cold, very unemotional.
How does being on the spectrum affect your ability to read social and emotional cues? Did he understand and accept this when you got together?

ok, so now he's sent me text with a picture of an iced cream parlour saying he's out with his sister.

This confuses me. If he doesn't want anything more to do with me, why send me that. If we're over, its no concern of mine what he's doing so why is he telling me.

To prove a point?

You are sending him pointless photos of nothing. So he sent the same back.

Just leave him alone. If you want to work on it, this isn't helping.

I cant believe you though making a bed that only you had slept in would work towards getting him back.

lweji - the strop over the BJ sounds like the trigger for a meltdown that then expanded to include a whole range of other issues. And the OP has admitted to being at fault over some of them (like taking him for granted around the house).

I'm just pointing out that I think there's bad and entitled behaviour on his side too here.

I agree. From my first post I said I think there's fault on both sides, and later on too.

It worries me because you, OP, seem to take on all the blame, which I don't think you should.
How he reacted to the bj thing and your weight worry me regarding him. Him playing the system to get more time off sick seems odd too.

There's something not quite right about this whole thing.

To be honest, I don't know why he's sending you pictures of the ice cream parlour either. It's not really the behaviour of someone who wants to walk away. Why don't you try not responding for a while and see what happens?

OP can you clarify being on the spectrum?

Wait until he gets back op.
Don’t make it worse.

lweji - totally agree. And I'm kind of relieved I'm not the only one who is thinking that.

This may be the one argument you have to accept you've lost - the more you try to "win" - win him back, show him he's wrong, the more you're just demonstrating that you don't respect his feelings and can't stop yourself from putting you and your need for him first. He's been really really clear. Whatever happened last week was by the sound of it the straw that broke the camels back.

Sometimes things do come to a head. I remember going batshit at my XH when he'd been out late yet again helping a "friend" (now girlfriend) and we were separated within a month. It's like a puzzle piece clicked into place and I realised what a mug I was being and how miserable I was coming second to a stranger all the bloody time. We'd been fairly peaceable day to day before that.

You can and will find love again, please don't think you won't, I appreciate it's a horrible time for you so hope you're OK.

Please use this time apart to do some real soul searching and like I said before, maybe think of some concrete and tangible things you could put into action if you do reunite.

Sending a picture of things like the made bed are proving his point - he's done those things for years and they went unnoticed / unappreciated so will only piss him off more that you want a fanfare for doing it once - it will push him further away.

Personally I think it would be far better to step back and think about how you can change bigger picture wise no get tangled up in tiny tasks like sharing a picture of the bed.

It's about how you've made him feel as much as (probably more than) what you've made him do (as in you not doing stuff e.g. Making bed)

I really hope you can step back and have a proper think not keep pushing him away

🤦🏻‍♀️

OP - don't send pics of chores that you've done. Chores are part of being an adult so taking a pic (for gratitude?) is just cringe worthy. Make your bed because you want to, not because you think it'll win him back.

Talk to your friends rather than family. Involving your mum and his sister isn't going to change his mind. The extra pressure from them (if he respects their opinion) or the annoyance of being nagged by third parties when he's an adult could turn him off- a lot.

You can't stop people leaving. Stop doing stuff because you think it'll win him back.

In your shoes I'd have a think about what what you want to change about yourself and make those changes because it makes you happy not because it might win him back. You might not want to change everything that he listed but it sounds like you might want to change some things about yourself.

You messaged a picture of the bed with ‘it’s the little things that matter’??

That was a silly thing to do. Man, I’d be feeling so patronised and unheard if I were him. He’s been trying to tell you for months, maybe years, that you’re not pulling your weight. Now he’s told you it’s over, and you send a picture of a made bed with that caption? I’d be thinking seriously, if it’s the little things that matter how come you couldn’t manage any of them over the course of the past few years. It seems like wanting recognition for a basic household chore. The caption just rubs salt into the wound, as if you’re telling him it’s the little things that matter when he’s been doing them all this time!

You don’t seem to be very good at reading social situations or cues or know what to do OP and you’re floundering and making it worse.

Honestly, the picture of the made bed with "It's the little things that matter" would give me the rage if I was the person doing the majority of the housework.

He could have sent the ice cream parlour photo for many reasons. To show you he's safe and that he met his sister, as a courtesy to keep you updated, or as a way to say stuff you, I'm out having a good time. None of us know him like you do. You'd have the best guess.

Give him some space. If you do both decide to try and mend the relationship, don't take all the blame on yourself. Nobody is perfect, and he acknowledges there is blame on his side too.