Marriage in severe danger.

[Alloverbartheshoutingnow]

I’ll try not to drop feed so this might be long.

We’ve been married for 5 years – together for 8. Generally we have a great relationship, on the same wavelength – we just clicked from day one.

He’s been married before and has kids with his ex wife, I’ve never wanted kids so it works for us. There is an age gap of 16 years but this has never been a problem. We’re 43 and 59.

I’m self employed and work away a lot during the week – he works full time. We both earn a good salary but I probably bring home three times as much as he does. But as far as I’m concerned it all goes into the same pot and its never been my money and his money.

Anyway, we had a major argument on Saturday that seemed to come out of no where. We were watching the rugby and I was knitting as I normally do. He made a joke comment about his afternoon BJ (note this is a running joke between us) and I said “when I finish this row”. He was initially in a mood after this but wasn’t forthcoming. Refused to get in the hot tub which we normally do etc. Anyway, says he didn’t want any dinner and stormed upstairs.

I hate arguments and don’t believe in going to bed on an argument or letting things lie so I followed him to try to get him to talk about it.

And that’s when it kicked off. Turns out he feels ignored as all I do every minute of the day when I’m home is knit. I will admit its my default when watching TV but I thought it was just something I did whilst being there. Apparently I don’t talk, if I’m watching TV I just listen to it – got told its like he’s living with someone who’s ignoring him constantly. That all I want to do of a weekend when I’m home is sleep, knit and watch TV as an excuse for knitting. He wasn’t sure why I bothered coming home. And he is right, that is pretty much all I’ve wanted to do recently.

Said to me, how would I like it if I came home and he had his head in a book all weekend and everything was "just let me finish this chapter" because it was the same thing.

I think that was the trigger for it but then a whole load of stuff came out. How he is embarrassed by me these days since I’ve put on 6 stone (was already 4 stone overweight) and that whilst he’s losing weight I’m gaining it. Ironically I’ve lost a stone since Christmas. That when we do go out, I’m forever getting into arguments with people and I’m constantly judging people. That I don’t care enough about what I look like and most of the time I’ll go out looking like a bag lady. He is correct on all these points. I’ve always been the same but I think as I’ve turned 40 I care less about what other people think.

In general he does anything for me, is always the one to make sure I’m ok, put my needs before his and make sure I’m ok and I think I’ve taken him for granted. In fact I know I have. Its really easy to waltz in and treat the house like he’s my personal maid and I’m staying in a hotel.

Told me at one point that he wanted nothing more to do with me and that we were finished. That we’d put the house up for sale and I’d get “my fair share”.

Queue lots of crying and shouting. I phone my friend and his sister (who said she knew her brother and he was just being an arse etc etc) and ultimately I was about to go to a hotel to give him space (I Couldn’t be in the same house and do that).

When I was about to go, he said he didn’t know why but he didn’t want me to go but he was sick of trying to tell me. I am on the spectrum so I know I don’t pick up on the normal cues – I do remember him mentioning stuff but I thought he was joking about it. He said that I should have given him space when he went up to bed and not followed him up and backed him into a corner.

So yesterday we to the town where I stay whilst away to spend the night with family – he was going up to visit his family in Scotland until Thursday. When we stopped for a bite to eat he said “he still didn’t know what to do as you can’t just have an argument like that and forget about it”. I pointed out that I can’t go back and wave a wand and undo anything but I’ve taken on board what he said and I didn’t realise it was coming across the way it was.

He’s now on his way to his Sisters. He did tell me he loved me last night (although he added onto it that I’m a pain in the arse) and gave me a cuddle in bed but he’s still being really distant in general.

Part of me is saying to just leave it and give him space and trying to push it will make it worse. But I’m in bits and barely holding it together in work.

Good grief stop your mother. He's broken and you're both just putting on more pressure.

This is another instance of you refusing to believe you can't change someone's mind, isn't it? It's just reinforcing his opinion that you won't leave people alone if you disagree with them.

I know its such a small thing but why would he bother if he didn't care.

Do you ever do anything similar for him, though?

Some people are givers, but even they get fed up of only giving and not receiving.

I refuse to accept that.

It's entirely your problem, then.

If he wants to, he will leave you and divorce you anyway. You're just making it harder, not only for him, but also for you.

Please don't fall into the trap of sharing too much with family - however well meaning, this very important stuff is private and about your marriage - this will only push him further away. Hard as it is, you need to try to stop panicking and give him some space. I agree with others that he may be depressed, he is off sick and is approaching that crucial retirement age, which for men can be very difficult. Do you think he is looking ahead to his retirement and thinking what a bleak prospect it is if things don't change. I'm sorry for you - it seems that you've sleep-walked into this situation. You are obviously a high earning professional, but how's your self-esteem? Maybe it's not too late, but you do need to give him breathing space and then talk when things have calmed down a bit. As others have said, please don't use the weight issue as an excuse - you can take small steps - I know myself how easy it is for the weight to creep on, but you have said that you have successfully lost weight in the past. Good hair, nice clothes, a bit of makeup, a manicure - these will make you feel better about yourself - but don't do it for him, do it for you!!!

On Friday we were sitting in the hot tub talking about the future. What we'd do when he lifted his pension.

That I'd cut back on the work so we had more time together once the mortgage was paid off.

That we'd go out to our place in lanzarote more rather than renting it out all the time.

We were looking forward to the future. At no point in the conversation was there any indication this would blow up 24 hours later.

Thats why I don't believe it's over.

op, do you feel you have 'lost yourself' somehow? you say you were once 8st and into fitness, now you are 10st overweight, sit all day and knit, dont help around the house and dont take any pride in your appearance, perhaps you are very far from the woman he married, obviously we all age and change but for goodness sake, you are only 43! you sound about 70!, could it be that your dh is very worried that your behaviour so far is showing him that by the time you are 60 you will be a fat, frumpy argumentative pita who is totally dependant on him for everything else - it sounds like he is just wanting you to up your game a bit, show that you do care about yourself and show him that you also care about his well being, not just financially.

You've forced him to verbalise something he's no doubt been internalising for a long time. Now he's said it he's probably feeling relieved. I kicked my partner out years ago. Hardest thing I've ever done. I still loved him immensely but he didn't know what he wanted and that wasn't fair on me and I wasn't prepared to continue if that was the case.

IF he gives you a chance you both need to agree on what will happen, how it will happen and how feedback will be given and acted on. There's also got to be a timeframe.

He may be right - you can't change someone's underlying characteristics, and really shouldn't try. However if you realise you're not pulling your weight and contributing equally to the physical chores around the house, then that is something you can change (and should change).

Thats why I don't believe it's over.

It may not be, yet, but you'll force the end if you keep pushing him and blackmailing him emotionally (particularly via your mum).

He should want to be with you, not feel forced into it.

i refuse to accept that. My mother has txted him to tell him how broken I am over it.

You haven't listen or heard anything he has said.

Your mother should not be getting involved. Who is she to tell him you are broken after years of you ignoring him

thebabessavedme the op was 4 stone overweight when she got with him. She was already putting weight on.

While you are earning he is at home part time taking care of the home. This is what many women do but he objects. You like to knit to relax, he objects to your hobby as he thinks you are not focusing on him. To add insult to injury he has then told you your fortune.

Total bullocks. If a woman posted that her dh earned more, worked away and she worked part time and did all the housework, he came home at weekends, ignored and just made a mess and never even cleared up after themselves, had put loads of weight, they couldn't go out anywhere because he would argue with people to the point they were avoided....no way would you be saying 'ah poor fellas, must be stressed'

I think one of us is mistaken. The way I read it

Yes one of us did. The OP said he made a joke......not a request

I know its such a small thing but why would he bother if he didn't care

He does care about you - that doesn't mean he wants to stay married to you. There is a middle ground between "absolutely don't give a stuff about a person" and "want to be married to that person".

It seems like you are refusing to listen and accept what he is saying in EXACTLY the same way you decided to follow that woman around a cruise ship and prove that she was "factually incorrect".

There are situations in which you can force people to agree with you by presenting your argument - places like a courtroom, or in a scientific paper. This is not one of those situations. Refusing to accept what your husband is saying doesn't mean that he will be forced to agree with your point of view and thus will your marriage be saved.

OK, let's ask the OP: in this case, was your partner jokily asking you for an actual BJ? Or was it 'just a joke' that wasn't intended to result in any kind of sex? (In which case your response to wait until you finished the row makes no sense).

This is salvageable.

He still loves you.

I’m in a similar spot with my dh with his weight and his lazyness around the house.

Don’t text him at all now and give him space. Begging only makes it worse. When he has had a bit of time he will get in touch

You have to commit to losing some weight for your own benefit.

Let your actions show you mean you want to change, words are just words.

The Cambridge diet is supposed to be good. Dh is about to start that.

I think the weight is a red herring.

If everything else was fine, he wouldn't have mentioned the weight.
He mentions it because he's fallen out of love with you, IMO.

Or he is a twat.

In either case, best let him go.

Or was it 'just a joke' that wasn't intended to result in any kind of sex? (In which case your response to wait until you finished the row makes no sense).

It makes no sense to you. Me and dp would have a joke like this. He told me he fancied a full Sunday roast at 7pm on Sunday. I was like 'yeah I'll put it in a bit'....them called the takeaway and got a pizza.

I didn't take that he was demanding I start cooking a full roast at 7pm Sunday evening

Ahhhh, I see whiskey, that does actually make sense.

But why would he be in a mood after she said 'after I finish this row' if he wasn't expecting her to do anything?? I am assuming your DP didn't throw a full-on strop when you said 'Yeah, I'll put it in in a bit"?

I mentioned it before, if the bj was a joke, surely asking until the end of the knitting row would be part of the joke, no? Or was he expecting another type of response as part of the joke and the "wait" part didn't acknowledge the joke, and that's why he was annoyed?

I think it's easy to think that you're there, next to him, so you are with him, but if your hobby means you can't have a normal conversation with him, it's not that much different from being out of the house golfing/whatever all the time, is it?

It was a joke but also he meant it. I do give him afternoon BJ's sometimes just because he likes them.

One of the things that he's hurt about it that it was always him initiating sex - I never went to him for a cuddle or to start things off.

If i'm being honest that probably because he started things so often I was getting enough!

You need to give him space and accept that he may be done. Tell your mother to stop, it will just make it worse. It sounds like these have been issues for a long time and have just ground him down to the stage where he is totally burned out. He may still love you, but just not want to be together anymore.

I was considerably overweight too, but I still liked to dress well. It does take more effort to look put together when you are bigger, but you can still make an effort. It is about highlighting your good features and concealing the others. Losing weight is a long process if done healthily and you still deserve to feel good about yourself while doing it. You can still do this while maintaining your own style, put together doesn’t have to mean dresses and heels. I tended to invest in accessories that would always fit.

But why would he be in a mood after she said 'after I finish this row' if he wasn't expecting her to do anything?? I am assuming your DP didn't throw a full-on strop when you said 'Yeah, I'll put it in in a bit"

Perhaps because her response to everything is 'yeah when I finish this row', he may want to have an actual interaction with her that doesnt include the words.....when I finish this row.

Sometimes it's small things that tip people over the edge, after years of being ignored, taken for granted and having their concerns dismissed.

I haven't taken it as anything but a bit of a joke, because the OP says it was a joke. A joke they often have.

OP you are displaying very controlling behaviour. It seems you think earning more gives you that right

Allover - so it WAS like a jokey but actual request for a BJ. And the strop was because you didn't rush over and throw your mouth onto his cock and start sucking with wild abandon, but asked to be able to finish the row before starting? Which he interpreted as you being insufficiently excited by this magnificent opportunity to suck him off/prioritising your knitting over him... even though you were actually willing to get cracking with it once you had your stitches in line?

downcasteyes to be fair the op hasn't clarified anything. It's a joke....but not a joke.

I don't think the OP really wants help or to change anything.

Why do you give him afternoon BJs while he's watching rugby and why would you have to stop whatever you were doing for it?

If he threw a strop because he was expecting a BJ, then he is indeed a high order twat.

If he threw a strop because he was expecting a BJ, then he is indeed a high order twat.

I would agree with this.