OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

Next time he'll make it worthwhile?

Next time?

Fuck it. Leave him. Let him work out then if it's been worthwhile so far.

Newerversion

@SO21. - “I also suspect many, many people kiss others without their partners knowledge”

What does this comment mean? That because he isn’t alone in his actions the op should not be so sensitive/should give him some kind of leeway?
Seriously?

Nope. I never said that

@NameChaChaChange I wish there was a magic way you could find out exactly what happened.
I've been in the same position except with my DP it was an online relationship. I suspected and got into his phone and the proof was there. I confronted him and initially I told him it was over. After a lot of talking (and I hope honesty on his part) I relented. I'm glad I did as his father passed away the following day and I think it would have finished him to have lost his family too.
It's not been an easy 18 months and I still don't trust him fully but he has never retaliated in the way your husband has. Not sure we will survive "for ever" but for now it sort of works.
I hope you get your answers but also do what is best for you. Lots of hugs xxx

@NameChaChaChange I wish there was a magic way you could find out exactly what happened.
I've been in the same position except with my DP it was an online relationship. I suspected and got into his phone and the proof was there. I confronted him and initially I told him it was over. After a lot of talking (and I hope honesty on his part) I relented. I'm glad I did as his father passed away the following day and I think it would have finished him to have lost his family too.
It's not been an easy 18 months and I still don't trust him fully but he has never retaliated in the way your husband has. Not sure we will survive "for ever" but for now it sort of works.
I hope you get your answers but also do what is best for you. Lots of hugs xxx

@NameChaChaChange I wish there was a magic way you could find out exactly what happened.
I've been in the same position except with my DP it was an online relationship. I suspected and got into his phone and the proof was there. I confronted him and initially I told him it was over. After a lot of talking (and I hope honesty on his part) I relented. I'm glad I did as his father passed away the following day and I think it would have finished him to have lost his family too.
It's not been an easy 18 months and I still don't trust him fully but he has never retaliated in the way your husband has. Not sure we will survive "for ever" but for now it sort of works.
I hope you get your answers but also do what is best for you. Lots of hugs xxx

Everything MsDogLady said.

I agree with those saying you are not stupid - half the point of being in a gaslighting/emotional abuse situation is that you don't know for certain, because that's how the other person likes it - you in a state of uncertainty and feeling unsure, to a point of feeling crazy sometimes.

It's like boiling a frog - frogs can't tell that they're being boiled alive until it's too late for them, because their bodies compensate and compensate for the slowly increasing temperature, until it's too late and then they can't do anything about it. If you were plunged straight into a shit situation, you'd spot it and run (like plunging a frog into boiling water - they'd jump straight out) - but you're not, you're lulled into a false sense of security to start with and then the "fun" starts, with little things first, then bigger things, and all the time you're questioning how bad it really is, are you imaginining it, could he really be that bad, after all you're not being hit, and so on until you're so lost in a fog of his making that you don't know whether you're on your head or your feet.

There is nothing "stupid" about being caught up in that, I promise you.

You've hit the nail on the head there Thumb.
I am constantly questioning whether things are as bad as I'm making them out to be, I'm always wondering whether this is all in my head and after I've gotten upset about something, I find myself thinking 'did I have a right to be upset?' 'Is he right? Should I just shut up and drop everything so I don't piss him off?'
I feel completely crazy for feeling totally normal things. Like, it was only 10 months ago that I found out about all of this, but because he expects me to be over it, i end up feeling like I'm wrong for still being upset and start to wonder whether I should be doing things his way.
It's just horrible.

I said to him last night that we needed to seriously talk about all of this, and he said he doesn't want to talk and he has nothing to say.

That sounds familiar. My ex was similar. So it meant that I felt like no one thing was enough to end things....as if I was over reacting to think about ending things.

What I realised later, after we'd split, was that that was why he behaved like that. And that me thinking like that was because he'd trained me to think like that.

The truth is that anyone can end a relationship at any time for any reason.

He clearly doesn't care what you think or how you're feeling. That's a massive issue, irrespective of the affair. You deserve to be treated well and it seems like he isn't going to do that.

Have you had any counselling (for yourself, not couple's counselling)? Have you read any Lundy Bancroft?

Talking to him is not going to help.

*He makes me feel this way every single time (doesn't have to be related to him cheating) whereby I'm left seriously doubting my entirely rational and human feelings.

He's not supported me through this. Ever. There were times when I thought he was remorseful, but it was short lived and his true colours always ended up showing when I got upset about his infidelity. He wants it totally swept under the rug and he had that mentality from day one.

As long as I keep tight lipped about my feelings, then all is good. The moment I speak up, he gets annoyed, gets defensive and plays the victim.*

This is so sad. You deserve so much better.

I'm supposed to be starting CBT soon, but the waiting list is pretty long so not entirely sure when the appointments will come around.

Someone suggested Lundy Bancroft yesterday - id not heard of him before but found myself on a site full of quotes and excerpts from one of his books, and some of the things I read made me cry. It really hit home that I am being abused. It feels weird to say it like that. I feel I have no right to call it that as though that's not what's actually happening - but my DH is so scarily similar to the snippets I come across.

I said to him last night that we needed to seriously talk about all of this, and he said he doesn't want to talk and he has nothing to say

So basically 'put up or shut up'.

You can't fix something when one person doesn't want to do any of the fixing.

You may find you won't need CBT once he is out of your life op.

You are feeling undermined, out of touch with yourself because he is gaslighting you.

You don't need a serious talk, just pack his bag without a word and change the locks.

If you can't find the strength to finish this horrible damaging relationship then you have decades and decades of more of the same, or worse.

Salvage what is left of your self respect and walk away from this, and you will in time realise that you should have left earlier.

I hope the reading and counselling help clarify your thoughts. But you can decide to end the marriage without needing to "prove" he's abusive, or that the cheating went further than he's admitted. His not being kind and respectful to you is reason enough.

"It really hit home that I am being abused. It feels weird to say it like that. I feel I have no right to call it that as though that's not what's actually happening - but my DH is so scarily similar to the snippets I come across."

But this is the point - this is why emotional abuse is so insidious, because it's covert - if he was bashing you physically, you'd feel far more "justified" in believing that he was abusing you. But he still IS abusing you, emotionally. He's controlling you, he's making you feel like you are permanently in the wrong or over-reacting, and as though the problem is All You.
That IS emotional abuse.
He IS an abuser.

He won't ever accept or agree to that because why would he? far better for him to poo-poo it and tell you you're being over-dramatic, over-reacting, stupid, silly, hormonal or whatever - because that all diminishes you and puts you "back in your place" (in the wrong).

There is no point in seeking counselling with an abuser - it's a "thing" - do not attempt counselling WITH your abuser, because quite often they can pull the wool over the counsellor's eyes too, and the counsellor becomes an unwitting colluder with the abuse, which just makes you feel 100x worse!
Counselling for yourself, the Freedom Programme and keep reading the Lundy Bancroft stuff - these are the things that will help you break free. xx

So sorry you are going through this OP

When I found out about my dh emotional affair (he also admitted to a kiss) I was devastated. I constantly questioned him and I was still very hurt and unable to move on 3 years later as after about a year my dh thought I should have got over it.

However after 3 years I found out from a source I knew it to be true, that he’d had sex with her in several occasions. This time I was furious with him, he’d again lied to me for a further 3 years. And that was that! I could no longer trust him and we divorced.
It wasn’t so much the sex, but the lying and telling me to get over it, and I made a decision to stay and work in our marriage when I wasn’t in full receipt of all the details

This isn't a cheating example but an ex of mine had made me feel really really bad about an awful situation that happened to me when I was younger. I never wanted to talk about it but he did. Eventually I realised how shitty he had been and I got really angry and I finally wanted to talk about it all. To which I got:
" I don't want to talk about it . I'm bored of this subject . I have nothing to say"

He's saying that to you because he knows he's in the wrong and he doesn't want to be called out about it. If I were you I would leave him. Why waste your life worrying about someone who doesn't respect you and your feelings?

Good luck 💐

Why are you still trying to make this work? You tried 10 months ago, you still don't trust him (understandable) and hes just shown you his true colours.
There is no shame in walking away, and honestly, staying with him is just going to lead to more heartbreak and pain.

CBT can help for some things but in your case I suspect regular counselling would be more helpful. You could ask your GP or local Women's Aid. There's also the Freedom Programme as a PP suggested.

Check out www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles which are from "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft - I suggest you buy or borrow a copy to read.

I think abuse - when it's not physical - and when you're going through it yourself is so difficult to spot and even harder to admit.

Every situation we go through is trivialised and minimised (by him), everything is swept under the rug and shouldn't be spoken of or revisited.
I start feeling like I'm insane for wanting to discuss and resolve things, for wanting apologies or explanations. DH is so quick to shut down any 'serious' conversation that he deems an inconvenience to him - I'll either be told to fuck off, or leave it, or that I'm making things worse.
I'm slowly feeling myself retreating and coming round to his way of thinking in that perhaps we shouldn't discuss what's on our minds, we shouldn't care about lies, we shouldn't get upset over harsh comments that have been said. I should just live my life with my head in the sand so he's never annoyed at me for having emotions.

It's utterly ridiculous and heartbreaking.

@WhoKnewBeefStew I'm the same. It's the lying that's got to me. I've given him SO many opportunities to be upfront and honest with me - I've outright told him that if he's honest I'll be less annoyed than if I catch him in a lie later down the line. Honesty I can move on from, lying I absolutely cannot. But he stuck to his story and 10 months later new information is starting to surface and he can't handle it. The new information coming to light is everyone else's fault other than his - it's my fault for dragging it up, it's the OW's fault for lying, it's the OW's DHs fault for messaging me and disrupting his peachy little life. He's doing nothing to support me or try to prove that in actual fact, his version of events are the gods honest truth. He doesn't care that this is all driving me totally psycho and has been for ages, he doesn't care what I believe or think or feel. He also doesn't give a shit about his 'next time it'll be more worthwhile' comment which after 24 hours I'm still absolutely livid at.

"Next time it'll be more worthwhile" was cruel but was said in the heat of the moment and is no doubt true. It went therefore no further than a kiss.

End your marriage if you want - but not for a spurious reason like a silly kiss...

Did you even read the OP's posts?!