OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

Loughers this isn't about you. You're welcome to start your own thread.

OP you'll likely start questioning a lot of things. It's normal. And it's because he's been lying and gaslighting you.

Bear in mind that if he's abusive, he won't want the relationship to end on his terms. If you do choose to end things, you'll need to get together any documents you might need and put them somewhere safe.

You would need:

• proof of his income (photocopy of his P60 and a recent pay slip)
• proof of your income if any
• copies of any info about shares, cars, other houses, investments etc.
• your passport and driving licence
• recent bank statements, bills etc to show your current standard of living
• red book for any dc can be helpful

And if you haven't already got one, it's a good idea to open your own bank account in your name only.

Gah! I've just thought of something else which I've always found weird...

He knows I browse Mumsnet. He doesn't know the extent of what I post or my usernames etc, BUT! He hates that I use it. Like he's afraid of what others might say.

I know that's a random thing to add, but I'm going back through all of my muddled thoughts with a fine tooth comb now and loads of weird things are coming to me

It's not random. My ex hated me being on MN and another parenting forum.

Do you have many close friends IRL?

Just wondering because my ex moved me away from my friends and family, and my only local friends were his friends....or so he thought. I had other friends that I only saw during the day when he wasn't around but kept quiet about them. I look back and realise that should have been a big red flag

Ok, this has nothing to do with it only being a kiss. To OP it's a big deal so it's a big deal. We all have our own level of what constitutes infidelity.

The issue here is how he acts. A remorseful husband would understand that he has hurt you deeply and that it takes as long as it takes for you to heal from that, be it 10 months or 10 years.

If he was remorseful, he'd reassure you, work with you, understand your pain and be hurt himself that he had caused it, not tell you you were crazy or make out like you should be over it.

You gave him a gift by trying again, one he really doesn't appreciate.

He wants to sweep it under the rug so he can get back to his life without having to deal with all these pesky feelings that you're having the audacity to feel.

If you end it, you aren't ending it over a kiss (which is what he'll make out to anyone that will listen) you're ending it because he's an emotional dinosaur who refuses or is incapable of empathising with his wife.

You should tell him you're leaving him and mean it. If he then moves heaven and earth to make it up to you then maybe he's worth trying again with. If he doesn't then you shouldn't be married to him anyway.

My personal take is you would be happier without him.

The thing is, if it was ‘just a kiss’ and he’d been distraught with remorse, that’d be one thing and I’d agree with some aspects of pp saying you could move on from that if you wanted to (though you don’t have to!).

But everything else you’re saying makes him sound like an asshole who’s awful to you, and the whatsapp thing is bullshit.

^^ this, exactly

I wish so much that I could fast forward you to the AMAZING moment the fog lifts and a painful break up has led you to being happy again - it feels impossible I know and understand but the alternative is this endless friction for many many more years.

They probably don't help yet but two things that helped nudge me into ending a damaging relationship were:

"You can spend the rest of your life pushing water uphill... or be happy"

"What would you tell your daughter if they came to you with the same situation - you'd be horrified and tell them they deserve SO much more. And so do you!"

I really hope you can find peace and disconnect from this horrible treatment - like I say it's so painful to make the break but I remember the day I woke up and it didn't hurt anymore and I literally laughed in bed alone and was so proud and excited to start the rest of my life.

Again I so wish I could fast forward you to that bit I promise it's worth it.

It sounds to me now like the kiss is irrelevant here. This relationship is not healthy for you and you don’t need a reason to leave x

Trust your gut instincts OP. I’ve been there, wondering if I was going crazy, even when I condoms in an overnight case I still went into denial..I told myself they must have been left over from when we used to use them, I think you go into a state of denial..and why wouldn’t you? Knowone wants to throw a marriage and a family away.

To some people a kiss would be forgivable, for others it wouldn’t. My ex had a full blown emotional and physical affair and that made my decision to divorce easier.

It sounds like you DH has had his ego bruised with you discovering his relationship with the OW, perhaps the image he portrays of himself is at risk? If he is narcissistic then this is classed as narcissistic injury. I don’t know if my ex has a full blown personality disorder but they certainly have some very strong traits.

It’s only after getting away from them have I discover the emotional abuse I went through. It wasn’t something I encountered everyday, but certain situations where I would tell myself that what my ex has said or done wasn’t right, and when I tried to reason of make them see sense they found a way to spin things and I would usually end up apologising.

The way you have written your posts make it pretty clear you don’t accept his behaviour, what you decide to do is your choice and I hope you make the right one.

I found great comfort (and humour) in the book ‘lose a cheater and gain a life’ written by Tracy Schorn, She has a very good blog and forum www.chumplady.com

Good luck OP, you sound like a smart woman.

And keep reminding yourself that you’ve done both wrong, this mess is on him!

*nothing

I wish I could fast forward to a pain free, stress free and worry free point in my life too.
While I am aware (more now than ever) that I'm not being treated well at all, there's always been small something inside of me that believes (or likely rather wants) he can change. It's like a stupid slither of hope that can I can't squash.

I don't know if it's because I have problems outright admitting I'm being abused to an extent, or whether it's because unless everything is written down and staring me in the face that things don't seem as bad.
I think because he has this 'sweep everything under the rug' attitude and 'don't talk about problems and then it's like the problems don't exist' that I end up feeling like if we did that, things would actually be okay, and maybe I am making things worse by wanting to talk?

It's so shit. My heads a mess. I'm such a coward and wish he'd be the one to walk away so that I don't have to do it. That sounds awful and so chicken, I know.

It's weird how someone can drive you to the point of insanity, then they wonder how you got there.

I think you've hit the nail on the head - I realised at some point it wasn't him I wanted to change, it was the way I felt - something switched in my brain when I realised that meant I was in charge so had the ability to choose what happened next.

Totally appreciate that it doesn't feel like it right now but you have loads of us on here who would so love to see you post about your (yes, scary, but) happy life whether in a few months or a year or however long - we are behind you and we understand how you feel.

And I don't mean to sound preachy, I know it feels impossible and it took a pretty life changing accident to snap me into a new way of thinking. I wish I'd done it so much sooner but we all have to go at the pace we are able to cope with at the time.

And you absolutely aren't a coward, you're a lovely person who doesn't want anyone in your family to be hurt or sad.

Start including yourself when you think of the family unit - you don't deserve to be hurt or sad.

You will feel unbelievably liberated the first day you go to bed and wake up peacefully instead of instantly obsessing at both those times and every minute in between about this.

I promise you that.

Right now the pain is pulling you down but if you set out on your own the positive times in your day would help heal the pain of whats happened.

He went on Whatsapp to contact OW.

I know what you're saying. I did wait until he left.

I look back and wish I'd been able to walk away months earlier.

He will not change.

Yes you hope he'll change because he's not always horrible. That's the cycle of abuse, they aren't horrible all the time because that bit of hope that the 'nice' version of them could come back...is what keeps us in the relationship.

I also recommend going to a local Freedom Programme. It's absolutely for women who don't feel able to leave the relationship yet, not just for those who've already left

Can't you access WhatsApp remotely?

I told him this evening that he had no reason to be on the app to delete it.. he told me 'didn't mean to click on it and open it up'

And I am Lady Gaga

🤥 🙄 😡

The only thing that matters at this stage is that the trust is completely gone for you. And in my opinion when you reach that stage, it's over.

I mean this in the nicest sense - Stop telling/asking him things to see what he says. He is likely lying and you don't know whether he is or not so his answers don't mean anything.

You don't need to catch him in a lie to leave, you can leave any time that you choose to. You do not need proof of anything, you just need to acknowledge that the relationship is not making you happy.

He is preventing an emotionally intimate relationship between you when he sweeps stuff under the carpet, minimises and denies your feelings.

So this isn’t even a friendship where you are heard and respected never mind a marriage where you are cherished, encouraged and supportive with care and kindness.

Sorry OP but he is a cockknocker of the highest degree.

If I was you, I'd be getting my ducks in a row x

Does this sound familiar?