OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

Are you sure you really want to hang onto him? He doesn't sound very nice.

This.

You're not being an idiot OP. You've put up with behaviour, you've wanted things to change, you've given it all a good shot.

Now that you accept that your H isn't remorseful, has been gaslighting you for some time, is never going to give you what you want in terms of an apology or reassurance, now is the time you start being an idiot if you don't do anything about it.

mummmy when you eventually learn to "read situations well" (if you ever do) you will understand that almost every time someone posts on here about a negative situation it is quite clearly the absolute tip of the iceberg

Folk don't lay their lives open on here for trivial problems easily solved. If they could have dealt with it without serious consideration of leaving the bastard they would. It is very often the end of the line by the time they post here. You do them all a dis-service by assuming they will simply just do as they are told by a bunch of strangers. Do you think a) they haven't tried everything they can already and b) they have no mind of their own ?

I still think the same .
He did kiss that is all...
That was what she asked about.

Then just give your opinion and stop trying to stop others from giving theirs

Jeez, there's an epidemic of surrendered wives here atm...

All the very best to you op.

Taking him back might have been the right decision at the time but if it's perfectly fine that it's not the right decision now. I know from experience that affairs change you. You're not the woman pre-discovery and a different woman to the one who found out about her h's betrayal.

Have to agree with Any that I really wouldn't have come here to write about my miserable life unless it was at breaking point. I came here for cold hard truths from unbiased people and thankfully I've received plenty of them.
I've appreciated reading everyone's replies and it's made me realise that I've become a doormat.

I used to be so strong willed, but I've been ground down to a shell of my former self - a person who doubts whether they're allowed to feel things and whether they should actually be bending over backwards for a cheater who has no respect for them, even going as far to threaten cheating again in the future but with a greater magnitude. I've started to doubt every aspect of my life, I'm always wondering what im going to be upset over next and how I'm going to go about dealing with it in a way that won't 'anger' my DH, resulting in me feeling bad for ever speaking up in the first place.

I feel so stupid.

This has gone from, he kissed someone last year, to he is rather a different person...
Yep. As always happens when some is told YABU.

You're not stupid. You are realising he has been controlling and abusive. Have a look at the Freedom Programme.

You are not stupid. You are someone who has worked hard at their marriage.

Your 'D'H is stupid. He has thrown it all away and treat you in an awful way.

there's an epidemic of surrendered wives here atm...
Also an epidemic of martyrs who find it ok to cast up indiscretions whilst choosing to stay in a relationship.

It takes two to make it work. The person who cheated shouldn’t have to have it thrown at them repeatedly because the relationship with not survive. Choosing to stay means choosing to forgive and (eventually) forget. It doesn’t seem OP wants to do either.

Don't feel stupid. You are not stupid. You wanted your family to work but what you didn't understand is that you were toiling on your own. The realisation of this is difficult to take and you want to find something to blame but you mustn't blame yourself because it will paralyse you.

Things need to change and beating yourself up will stop you from accepting that.

After infidelity there does need to be a point where the person who cheated stops having it thrown back in their face. Otherwise it just becomes a very bitter and unhealthy situation.

However, before the wounds can heal over, there needs to be full and complete honesty and a genuine attempt to work out how the situation came about and correct it. Sometimes that isn't possible, and it's never possible where the person who cheated doesn't understand the hurt they have caused, or care about healing that hurt.

To be able to truly forgive someone for hurting you, you need some sign of repentance or true sorrow for what they've done. They need to show you that they are worthy of your time and effort.

Doesn't sound like you're getting any of that from him, OP. And you can't repair this on your own. You're not stupid, you're taking all of this on your shoulders when you weren't the one who was unfaithful.

This must feel shit

Be strong OP...I have to agree with a PP, Your husband does not sound like a very nice person. You deserve better

What an asshole. I don't know if id be more hurt by the cheating or the comment he made. You deserve so much better. Nothing will ever change if you stay and put up with it. Life is too short xx

You generously gave him a year to show he is remorseful and he has thrown that chance away. But you have also given yourself time to recover from the shock of his behaviour, gather information and make a considered decision about your future. Smart, not stupid.

The comment though. Seriously who says something like that? he has no one shred of a finer feeling for you OP. Not one. Please let this be the lightbulb moment for you. It's a bugger that someone else has had to hand it to you (OW's DH) but sometimes that is how life is. No way could I come back form that comment as he is setting you up to be cheated on again and if when he does he will probably hit you with something like, "Well you were warned". Come on OP you can't live like this. He is behaving like an utter bastard and shitting all over your marriage. Get him gone and find someone that wouldn't do any of this shite to you.

You're not stupid. Just because we are adults, we don't have all of the answers. It's hard to see things clearly when you're living it and have an abusive person planting doubts in your head.

Ffs mummy you're so desperate to be right, but even op is telling you you're wrong and there's more going on. Give it up.

Op you're allowed to leave your husband because he's a gaslighting manipulative shit, it doesn't have to be because he kissed someone else. You are entitled to more from a marriage, more from the person you spend your life with.

Just wanted to echo the general "he's not a nice person" theme. Living with someone who gaslights, isn't nice to you comes out with comments like his, is devastating to yourself esteem. You're not being stupid, you're now seeing the whole picture, which he has worked hard at keeping from you.

You will get through this and cone out the other side feeling better and stronger

Puts me in mind of this quote

His counseling has not helped his communication skills because he never really wanted to change. Emotional/mental abusers will do everything possible to exert control. They may let up for a while, but will always resume their abuse.

Now your sharper focus will help you make the wisest decisions for your well-being. You don’t have to have closure about his cheating to leave. He is a brute who has used both overt and subtle manipulation to discredit and silence you, and has made you doubt your perception of reality. He feels entitled to make you feel less than.

Have you sought individual counseling? You need a safe place to organize your thoughts, strengthen your boundaries, raise your self-esteem, and formulate an exit plan.

You can walk away from this.

I'm definitely someone that needs to know details in order to process the situation fully and properly move on
Yet you didn't actually do this 10 months ago, you skirted round it.

You don't really need those details now....you have enough reasons without it to leave this shit show.

Make up your mind about which direction you want to go....and if talking to him is no good then give it to him in writing.
He can mouth of all he likes but he can't force you to stay or stop you from moving on.