OW's DH has just contacted me almost one year later...

[NameChaChaChange]

My DH kissed an ex colleague after a few weeks of flirting, messaging and work night outs almost one year ago..

Shortly after I discovered what had happened, I messaged the OW's DH essentially asking him how he was coping, if he was okay - I basically was hoping to gleam more info from him that my DH perhaps hadn't parted with, but his wife may have.

Anyway! The man never got back to me, but this evening, 10 and a half months later, he has...

He's sent me a friend request and asked me how I'm doing and that he should have asked a long time ago:..

I'm now wide awake freaking out that this bloke is going to tell me things that happened between his wife and my DH that I've been blissfully unaware of for the last year.

Why contact me now?????

@Loughers maybe read everything I've written before making such a swooping statement. I hope you never have to go through what I'm experiencing.

Thanks Another, I've ordered myself a copy of that book. Not sure how or when I'm going to be able to read it though. I can already see DH's reaction if he sees the title of the book...

Feeling scared of your partner/spouse catching you with Lundy Bancrofts book "why does he do that?" is absolute confirmation that you are with an angry and controlling man and need to leave. It's exactly how I felt with my ex husband.

I know I'm in the minority here, but I think that if you want the marriage to work, you have to move on from the kiss. It sounds as if it was a kiss, possibly two, but the versions he and the OW told partners is in the same sort of ballpark.

You keep saying that you want him to be honest, you've given him lots of opportunities to be honest etc, well maybe he has been honest with you.

What he said was a very low blow in the course of an argument and I don't think he means he would cheat again. I think it means it was just a kiss, but that he feels you don't believe him and are judging him as if it were a full blown affair.

And whilst it's a low blow, I do wonder if you're assuming in your head thst there was more to this than a kiss, and are treating him as if his betrayal to you was worse than it was.

Apart from an argument where some mean words were exchanged, nothing has changed, and I can see why he is frustrated that the past has reared its head again.

You'll never know for sure whether you have the full story. Going to the OWs husband, the OW etc is just dragging things out and I don't think it will help you move on.

Bear in mind as well, that although his behaviour was wrong, and a betrayal, many people would see a kiss as easier to forgive than a ONS, or a prolonged physical affair. He may feel like he's been punished a lot/enough for 'just a kiss'. I think you need to come to a decision to stay or move on. If you say, then I think this needs to be put firmly in the past for good.

Everything you've said rings bells with me. When my exh was outed 3 years down the line, it was my fault for bringing it all up again, it was my friends fault for telling me, he was obviously trying to stir things up, this list went on. I think he stopped taking full responsibility for his actions when I decided to give it another go in the first instance. I know he still thinks he's hard done to now!

What youaremyrain said.

It was when I realised I couldn't openly get that book that I knew something was wrong. I got Codependent No More instead because he thought that was me dealing with my problem.

That book gradually gave me the strength to stop trying to fix everything, to stop reacting to him (he needed that reaction from me to feed his own emotional needs) and to start looking after myself.

Ex hated the change, tried to provoke me in lots of awful ways, and when he realised I want going back to the way I was before, he left.

I've got to be honest. I couldn't have ended it back then. I still didn't have that strength yet. I even wanted him back for a few months because it was scary doing it all by myself.

I'm really glad that he left. I'm really glad that I read Codependent No More because that's all I could get away with back then.

I read Lundy's book later and that was what stopped me wanting to have him back.

But Hug, I'm naturally still concerned it was more given that almost no one who's caught cheating offers up the truth. On the night he come home from the party, I suspected something was up and he fed me some bullshit lie. The following day, after I discovered messages, he tried denying everything, he then admitted they almost kissed, then he finally said that they kissed. He tried pretending they hadn't been secretly messaging behind my back for over a month even though I'd seen the messages. He tried pretending they hadn't been flirting whilst on nights out when again, I had the proof. His own sister said to me that she wouldn't be surprised if more happened and if he'd do it again.

I don't think I'm judging him too harshly. He stuck his tongue down another woman's throat and lied about it to my face, all whilst I was sat at home suffering from post natal depression a mere 12 weeks after giving birth to his second child.

Whether it was a kiss or a 6 month long affair, it doesn't change the fact that it's affected me and he has offered me zero support since, just wants to me sit down and shut up about it - he's been that way since a week after it happened. He can't be fucked to hear about it and how I feel.

Op, generally I find peopel quick to jump to assumptions on here, and also very black and white, LTB is banded about so quickly.

But I have just read all your posts, and the thing that really stands out to me is that he has NEVER been sorry about this.

It wasn't a drunken kiss, it was an emotional affair built up over several weeks, culminating in a kiss (or more?)
He should have been grovelling. He should have been bending over backwards to convince you he loves you, he is aserious about your relationship and he is committed to you.

He should have been abject with remorse that he had damaged his relationship with you.

Instead he has barely shown any remorse, and has thrown it all back at you, you are the problem for not getting over it quickly enough.

He doesn't love you.

Not sure how or when I'm going to be able to read it though. I can already see DH's reaction if he sees the title of the book...  Kindle/Kindle app on your phone?

He doesn’t love you. You deserve to be loved. I think you know this marriage is already over.

Maybe there was more to it. Maybe there wasn't. Either way, at some stage you have to draw a line over it, because you will never get your answer. If the OW says they slept together once, you'll still wonder if it's more. You will never get the answers you seek from other people, and he's given you his final answer, so you either need to accept that or move on really, because theres no alternative.

I am confused though when you say that he's not shown remorse, as that doesn't fit what you've put in your other thread about this. I know you were worried about getting to the anniversary, so maybe get to the other side of that first before you make any decisions. You've also said how he now comes straight home from work, is with you all weekend, doesn't really go out now, had done counselling. To me, it sounds like he has made an effort. But I can see how if despite that, nearly a year later it its still being raised, and you are still not trusting what he said happened, how is frustrating for him. Yes it was a betrayal, but it was only a kiss, not a fool blown affair and I think the over analysis needs to end for everyone's sake.

I wish I could come and bundle you and the kids in the car and bring you here.

Please don’t waste more of your life trying to talk to him and working things out. He’s not going to change.

Put on your Big Girl Pants and work out what you need to do practically to get away from him.

You and your DC deserve MUCH MUCH more than this. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. The sense of freedom, calm, lack of anxiety and tension...it will be worth it. Promise.

There were times when I thought he'd shown remorse ie; when I knew for definite something had happened, he broke down crying and apologised. A few months later he agreed to go to therapy (but that's literally changed fuck all and his destructive behaviours are still very much there) and I thought that was positive, but looking back, he only went to shut me up.

When we saw the OW whilst we out was one day a few weeks after he'd cheated, he seemed upset too and like he felt bad for me - I thought that was remorseful, but again, upon looking back, when we got home that day and I was upset and wanted to talk about it, he wouldn't give me the time of the day and wanted me to be quiet and not bring it up.

He's also only home with me at the weekends because we don't have spare cash floating around for him to go out. But if we did, he absolutely would be, without shadow of a doubt.

Perhaps you don't think a kiss is that soul destroying, but for me, and many others, it really is. It's disrespectful to vows, it breaks trust - it's just not something you should be doing and he'd be equally devastated if I went out and did that.

I can't believe some of you are sticking up for this piece of shit. Please leave him op.

Also, just thought I'd add this for a second opinion because I'm still not sure what to make of it or if my confused brain is now just over analysing everything, but -

DH has whatsapp but has repeatedly told me he doesn't use it, despite it having shown him as being active on there a few times over the last few months.
After our argument yesterday morning where I told him I knew more information and I went for my 'de-stressing' walk, I opened WhatsApp to see he'd been online shortly after I'd left. When I come home, I asked him why he'd been online on WhatsApp despite him claiming he doesn't use it, I asked why he went on there again 'randomly' and he said to me that he went on there to 'delete the app so that he wouldn't be accused of using it to talk to other people'

I don't know what to make of that. It seemed weird but I don't know if I'm imagining that it's odd?

You're not imagining it no, it is weird.
It's just another example of him lying and making you feel crazy when you question him.

I told him that I wasn't thinking he was using WhatsApp to talk to other women, but him deleting it and in a roundabout way, claiming it was somehow for my benefit just made me suspicious!

Yeah, that's just him lying again. You don't have to "go on it" to delete it, you delete it from your phone's app management in settings.

This man sounds horrid and you'd be so much happier without him. You'll be empowered without his lies and one day will find a relationship that makes you happy, without looking over your shoulder, wondering what he's up to.
Leave him today and end all this misery. Be free and allow yourself to feel happy. You don't know your own worth.

FYI you just delete the App if you don't want to go on Whatsapp, no need to go online first.
x

You know you don't have to open apps to delete them, you know it's another lie.

Sorry op. Your DH is not repentant because he is still doing things he shouldn’t be. He is justifying his behaviour to himself and hushing you. He’s deleted the app because he doesn’t want to have to show you. He heard you loud and clear when you said you had more info and he quickly began cleaning up as soon as you left.

Are you sure he isn’t still in touch with the ow? Was the ow DH trying to tell you something without hurting you?

I’m sorry you are going through this but your DH is a nasty liar and you and your child deserve much, much better than this.

If it was me, I’d give him one opportunity to tell all, then I’d go and be better off without him.

Good luck xx

Hi OP I am sorry but the stress of it all would make me ill.

You know he is messing around and probably still flirting.

If it was me I would all of a sudden one day ask him to unlock his phone so that you can see what is going on. If he refuses you know something is going on.

I do hope you find a resolution but for me I would have been gone. Being made to feel like you are losing your mind by someone who is manipulating you is not worth the ulcer you will be giving yourself.

I use iphone and he has an android so wasn't sure if the process for deleting apps was different - but two seconds on google has shown me he needed to go in to settings to delete it and wouldn't have needed to open the app at all

The thing is, if it was ‘just a kiss’ and he’d been distraught with remorse, that’d be one thing and I’d agree with some aspects of pp saying you could move on from that if you wanted to (though you don’t have to!).

But everything else you’re saying makes him sound like an asshole who’s awful to you, and the whatsapp thing is bullshit.

@NameChaChaChange

I thought my comment:

"End your marriage if you want - but not for a spurious reason like a silly kiss.."

was pretty clear in articulating my thoughts that you should end your marriage if you so wish to. Obviously the drip feed of additional information about your husband only serves to tar him further so rather than being a voice in the wilderness I will refrain from further comment and purchase a flaming torch to join the rest of the mob.

Good luck in whatever decision you make.