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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Was I too mean?

204 replies

OtOmly · 23/02/2019 16:06

My partner and I went to my gym yesterday. We go to separate gyms but my gym
was having an open day so he came along. We were in the pool and a very attractive woman walked past in a small bikini. I see this woman regularly and often speak to her but I don’t know her well.

My DP’s eyes were hanging out but I pretended not to notice. Then he asked me about her. I explained that she was a gym regular. He then asked if she came alone and I told him she came with her boyfriend and pointed her boyfriend out to him.

Now the woman’s boyfriend is at least 15 years younger than her. My DP then seemed to lose his head completely and said he wasn’t sure if the man was her boyfriend.

I jokingly said ‘why don’t you go and ask him?’ My DP’s response was that he would go and ask the man ‘if he was smashing her and if not, could he have a go?’

I was completely aghast by this point and said the first thing to come into my head. I told him to do just that and I would have the younger boyfriend, as he might last longer in bed than my DP.

He isn’t speaking to me now and I wonder if I was too unkind to him.

OP posts:
IncrediblySadToo · 23/02/2019 20:30

The only good thing you’ve written on this thread is...We don’t live together

He is vile. Utterly vile.

Still, if you’re choosing to put up with it I expect there’s very little I can say that will make you see sense 🤷🏻‍♀️

Shame really as I’m sure you’re a lovely person who deserves much more than this and that you didn’t have a very good start in life, because no one with any self worth would stay with this wanker.

Take care.

ElspethFlashman · 23/02/2019 20:30

"Rational explanation"??

Such as?

"Oh boo hoo my childhood was shit, that's why I have trust issues and am an enormous twat about women right in front of you"??!

Fuck that.

fillmyglassplease · 23/02/2019 20:37

My DH would be shown the door if he behaved or made comments like that xx

GinandGingerBeer · 23/02/2019 20:39

He's sending you a very clear message and you should listen. That's what he thinks women are worth, and ones who answer back are worth the silent treatment when his poor ego gets dented.
If you've been together several years, how come you don't live together? So he has plenty of free ogle & misogyny time?
You sound very nice and like you could do much much better. Find someone who values women eh?

CallMeRachel · 23/02/2019 20:52

I sometimes wonder if he deliberately does it to make me feel small.

This was my first thought. It's a way of putting you down and hurting your self esteem.

If he feels so entitled to look, devour with his eyes and words then I really think he'd struggle be faithful.

It was a shitty way for him to behave. Who does he think you are? His mate!?

And yes, I would wonder what he's like at his own gym. He doesn't sound like a keeper, or the type of man I'd want to have children with.

So no, you were not mean. You were sharp and on the ball with a suitable response, which he deserved.

cordeliavorkosigan · 23/02/2019 20:57

There is a perfectly rational explanation: he doesn't think women are actually fully people, equal humans to men, with thoughts and feelings and agency. To him we are sex things. Not non-people in terms of pay and public life , but at this very intimate level.
We all attracted to others now and again. His attitudes and comments go way, way past that into ingrained sexism and basic shittiness!

watsmyname · 23/02/2019 21:07

You should be concerned about how he spoke about another human being but more concerned about how he treats you. You deserve to be treated with more respect and if he doesn't want to do that then you need to move on.

PlinkPlink · 23/02/2019 21:26

Totally in admiration for your comeback OP.

Yes people in relationships look at other people but they certainly don't all stare with their tongues hanging out in front of our partners. Very disrespectful to do so.

I'm impressed OH has never done it in front of me. Been together 3 years. So they are out there I promise.

I dont think you should be feeling guilty about this one. Staring is one thing but the 'smashing her doors in' comment would make me blow.

Get a man who doesn't think with his dick so much (I understand that is so much easier said than done). One who can show you respect - that's what it boils down to.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 23/02/2019 21:37

The only good thing you’ve written on this thread is...”We don’t live together”

This.

There is no rational explanation and you should leave him.

importantkath · 23/02/2019 21:40

Ugh. My skin is crawling. He is a pig.

If any of my DS's ever behaved like this, I would be so mad...

DoNotWorry · 23/02/2019 21:54

I'm only hoping that if he'd asked the boyfriend, he would have returned minus his bollocks...

Pure class!

Arnoldthecat · 23/02/2019 22:12

Listen,, i am a man. It is natural that despite being with partners, a man can admire an attractive lady. Heck i can admire a good looking guy. Same for the women. They can admire a handsome chap. Its all about discretion and respect. It is a whole other thing to have the conversation you did OP. To me it is verging on abuse. Good for you and your quick wit for the comeback.

Surfingtheweb · 23/02/2019 22:22

Hahahahahaha 😂😂😂

What a perfect response. Your bf was so disrespectful to you, he deserved to be flamed 🔥

CJsGoldfish · 23/02/2019 22:22

However, he just can’t seem to help himself
Aww, bless.
Poor baby. Boys will be boys after all.

Gross.

Do be sure to let us know his 'rational explanation' for being like this for the years you've been together.
I'm sorry your standards are so low OP, I really am.

stopitandtidyupp · 23/02/2019 23:50

I do hope you gain some self esteem and what he said was way worse than your joke. He was likely serious. Ugh!

Graphista · 24/02/2019 00:43

So he's a lecherous, aggressive, sexist, disrespectful, cheapskate who can't take what he gives out?

And you're with him why?

I'd have dumped him on the spot!

You need therapy and to ditch the loser!

Original poster
OtOmly · 24/02/2019 08:17

Thanks everyone. I have read all of the posts.

My first reaction was that this was something that all men did. That’s what he has told me in the past anyway. However, given the pretty unanimous response on here, it would seem I have been a bit of a fool believing what he tells me.

OP posts:
Hellohappiness · 24/02/2019 08:20

Do you know anyone else who talks like that op?

Luckingfovely · 24/02/2019 08:20

I'm sorry that you have been brainwashed into thinking that this is normal. It's not. He's a pig. My DH would be more likely to grow wings and fly to the moon that to say or even think something like that.

I hope you can get some help to reevaluate your self worth and and expectations.

IncrediblySadToo · 24/02/2019 08:21

Yep.

What else has he told you that we can put you straight on?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 24/02/2019 08:37

it would seem I have been a bit of a fool believing what he tells me. Yu know that old saying about old fools Smile

Seriously, if my 50+ DH ever did that I would die of embarrassment, then kick him out to reconsider his actions. His DB? Well, let's just say he is a lonely man, growing more so with every year! He is a man who does think such behaviour is amusing and normal!

Pick yourself up and move on. Pack up anything he has at yours, change the locks, even if he gives you his keys back, and tell him you want a man to grow old with, not a super annuated child!

TowelNumber42 · 24/02/2019 08:37

That tendency to be a carer rather than a partner is common in children of parents who are alcoholics, narcissists and similar.

A mature relationship is not based in pity or in fixing the other person's flaws.

Without MN I reckon you would forgive him after a discussion where he told you all about his terrible childhood, his work stress, some other awfulness in his life. Wrong! That's your lack of boundaries from childhood training by your narc parent (or more likely your enabler parent) showing up.

For anyone with boundaries those reasons would not change the result of: dumped! Loads of people have hard childhoods and do no behave like total dicks, yourself for example, me too. Such excuses should be warning you that his issues are deep-seated, will thus persist and you should run for the hills.

LettuceP · 24/02/2019 08:38

Oh god he's gross! That really isn't normal or OK. Been with dh 11 years and not once have I ever noticed him eyeing up another woman. I assume he must find other women attractive but he has enough respect for me to hide it when I'm around.

Raise your standards OP, you can do so much better!!

Dieu · 24/02/2019 08:48

Oh wow, just wow. I am on your side 100% here, OP. YADNBU.
Your partner sounds like a pig though.

Cwenthryth · 24/02/2019 08:57

Hope you’re doing ok this morning OP. It’s a bit of a shitter realising that your partner of several years is a misogynistic arsewipe and you’ve just accepted his disgusting behaviour all this time. Realising that you deserve better and you can demand better can be quite overwhelming.

Look after yourself, talk to friends who will understand and support you. Flowers