Was I too mean?

[OtOmly]

My partner and I went to my gym yesterday. We go to separate gyms but my gym
was having an open day so he came along. We were in the pool and a very attractive woman walked past in a small bikini. I see this woman regularly and often speak to her but I don’t know her well.

My DP’s eyes were hanging out but I pretended not to notice. Then he asked me about her. I explained that she was a gym regular. He then asked if she came alone and I told him she came with her boyfriend and pointed her boyfriend out to him.

Now the woman’s boyfriend is at least 15 years younger than her. My DP then seemed to lose his head completely and said he wasn’t sure if the man was her boyfriend.

I jokingly said ‘why don’t you go and ask him?’ My DP’s response was that he would go and ask the man ‘if he was smashing her and if not, could he have a go?’

I was completely aghast by this point and said the first thing to come into my head. I told him to do just that and I would have the younger boyfriend, as he might last longer in bed than my DP.

He isn’t speaking to me now and I wonder if I was too unkind to him.

He can help himself. I’m another one who admires your quick comeback. Fucking outrageous that he is the one not speaking to you. Assuming you want to get through this, you need a conversation about what is acceptable. And talking about ‘smashing another woman’ or even politely asking another woman if she would be up for a shag is single guy behaviour, don’t do it unless you want to be single. And tell him he won’t need to sulk at you for your response next time, as the relationship will be over you won’t be there to sulk at.

What do you think about what he said op?

I’ve read all of your responses and I know some of my replies have been a bit flippant but I am hurting. Not only because I lowered myself to his level but also because I want a man who doesn’t openly express a desire for other women in front of me.

Do you know your 'D'Ps father, OP?

What's his attitude to women?

If his father is sexist and misogynistic,then your DP will have normalised his attitudes about women over his formative years and you'll struggle big time to get him to change his thought processes.

I'd get away while the going's good.....

He says that all men look at other women and that he doesn’t even know he’s doing it.
Just asked my handy male human, and he says no, that’s bullshit. My experience is that decent men are capable of going about their lives not constantly assessing every woman they meet for fuckability status.

Yes too right you want that.

@hellohappiness I don’t like what he said. I really don’t.

I don’t know why he behaves how he does. He also told me when we were in the pool that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea to let women get too close ‘as they let you down’

My experience is that decent men are capable of going about their lives not constantly assessing every woman they meet for fuckability status.

Precisely.

If you don't live with him, and you don't have kids together, what on earth is keeping you with him? 🤷🏼‍♀️
How long have you been with this prince among men?

OrdinaryGirl - I am ashamed to say we’ve been together for a number of years.

He’s getting worse though

In terms of his selfishness

Most men are not like that.

Even men who do tend to ogle won't do it when their girlfriend is present.

Even men who do tend to ogle in front of their girlfriends won't talk to the girlfriend about how much they want to fuck the woman being ogled.

You should be feeling very very angry. He is sulking! He should be grovelling.

Total loser. Dump him. He will say you are wrong to dump him of course. Men like him have a very low opinion of women and like to tell us how to think and how to feel. In their minds we don't get to choose something different to what they want.

I don’t get why you’re beating yourself up about your response, in my eyes he got off with it very lightly.
Raise your standards, dump his pathetic ass and move on

Oh please leave him. He's a jerk and you could do so much better. If you don't live together and don't have dc, ditch the bugger forthwith.

However, he just can’t seem to help himself.

Poor darling

Let's set up a Justgiving page for him

Fuck me , men can be utterly and unequivocally shyte

I don’t think what you said is as low as what he said. It’s probably true! Any bloke that thinks of women in such ways usually is crap in bed. You deserve a medal, most women wouldn’t put up with him.

Apparently one of his ex girlfriends told him off one day because he was staring at some mannequins in a shop window as they had a short skirt on.

Wtf

He just sounds even more creepy OP, you are not on his level with that comeback. It shut him up and rightly so!

I’d run and never look back!

I think a mannequin is above his level, but hey I’m kind

He sounds like an animal, making out he can’t control his urges and ogling *mannequins^ Does he go round humping lampposts too?

I know people who use the term smash (including women). It's a bit but honestly his attitude to her (even jokingly) as somehow belonging to some bloke is worse for me. Get over yourself mate, most available women don't want to "smash" you. He sounds very fortunate to have found you, somehow.

I think it's unreasonable to expect him never to acknowledge attractive people in front of you. But it's plainly dumb and rude to be so obvious in front of your partner. Even if he hadn't been so gross and misogynistic about it. You know if you have a brain that such things may undermine their self esteem. Of course there are two possibilities. He is thick. Or that was his intention. Either sound quite plausible.

No! What a dick he sounds.

He’s a dick.

Umm,, am I missing something here...why are you with this repulsive specimen?

Waaaay past red flags here...This is fucking red bunting territory.

Respectfully op, how can you bring yourself to have sex with this rapey prick?
My vag clamps itself shut at the very thought.

Well he sounds just delightful!

I'm only hoping that if he'd asked the boyfriend, he would have returned minus his bollocks...