My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

[Arewehumanorbones]

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

arewehumanorbones keep reading about the cycle of abuse, try perhaps to get some real life support through agencies such as women's aid, your GP, Health Visitor could be a useful source of direction toward other agencies that can offer you real life help and advice. Don't blink about calling the police IF he turns up at the door ranting or try to force entry, or subjects you to endless incessant text messages or phone calls or if any of the communications are threatening. Not saying it will happen - just that if it does please go to the police immediately, you deserve better behaviour from him than a stranger and you wouldn't put up with that kind of behaviours from them. Best of luck OP

I'm not sure if I can refuse entry if he returns though - it is his house as well?
HV is completely wet I'm not even going to go there.
I'm researching local parenting / counselling now - yes I intend to make it a requirement. Before children we actually had a very equitable relationship for many years so it's so sad it has come to this.

Well done! That's the first step. Probably worth speaking to a solicitor on the finer details of kids/house/finances etc ASAP.

But in the meantime enjoy being free

Arewehuman well done, very well done indeed

He will set his sights on getting back indoors with his feet under the table; he will beg and plead, cry, profess endless love, enduring remorse, insistence he understands now and everything will be different...... you will be horribly tempted, there will be loneliness for a while which you will find very hard, but you can get through all of it, you can.

One day at a time, or one hour at a time or even one 5-minutes at a time - you will make your way through the next month or so, and then you will begin to see how much better your life is, how muchcalmerit is, how perhaps even the children are behaving better and you are not so knackered.

You can do this.

why are your children not letting you sleep? surely at those ages it should just be the occasional restless night rather than every single night?

Are the kids sleeping in the room with you?

arewehumanorbones sounds like you have a plan, in regards to entry, there is a vast difference between asking permission and being granted entry at an agreed time to him having free reign to walk in whenever he wants. Also if you decide that your better of separated there is legal recourse for you to occupy the house and 'deny him access' it's an occupation order I believe. Please tell someone official, so that his unreasonable behaviour is on record - in the event his behaviour deteriorates further still this could be highly important. Not saying it will but he's already shown behaviour you'd never expected?

OP well done for getting this far - you need to get legal advice ASAP. Our local CAB has a special day each week just for women seeking to separate you get all your advice in once place on the day from various agencies. Or to make things quicker if you can afford it, just book an appointment with a solicitor. Most offer a no fee half an hour session, I chose to pay it was £75 an hour and set me straight I got everything covered in that hour.

I'm going to emphatically second the good advice - please see a solicitor, because then you know absolutely, what your options are legally speaking.

Sisters I too reckon OP could get an occupation order.

You can do it yourself you don't need a solicitor but from what I read the OP could possibly afford it so maybe easiest?

Ill look into it, thanks.

Nampoo one has ASD, another is just 2 with allergies and eczema

The 2 year old woke every 45 minutes from 1am until 5.30 this morning - when he was up for the day.
He is a good MN gifted child however - already sounding out letters (copying reception aged sibling)) and reliably counting objects to about 15. Very switched on and into everything, just doesn't sleep!

Actually none of them need much sleep. And all pretty advanced. The 4yo has a reading age of 8 I'm told, while the 6yo is given mastery classes in descriptive writing. The 8yo likes coding...

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack thereof, its about power and control. This individual wants absolute over you. He does not act like this to people in the outside world or in his workplace, it is to you that all his abuse is aimed at. Men like this hate women, all of them.

He does not have a problem with anger either, he has a problem with your anger when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviours.

Glad to read he is now out. Now keep him away from you in particular going forward as well. He will likely try and wheedle his way back into your life promising change. Do not fall for it.

A truism I learnt the hard way... You either have sleepers (my first two) or you don't (my third and last)... sure there are measures, activities, and behavioural routines that can have something of an impact and there are medical conditions that can cause sleep disturbance but mostly it's developmental and it's about coping strategies until they grow into proper consistent sleep.Hope you get some rest and sleep soon!

I used to get the rage when people just told me I needed a good bedtime routine with my first (ASD) completely crap sleeper. We had a rock solid routine, please try of fresh air , absolutely no screen time etc. Made no difference.
I treat them a bit like dogs. At least 2 hours of outside time whatever the weather, plenty of exercise, fresh food. And I limit screen time to a maximum of 2 hours with a couple of days completely screen free every week. Rock solid bedtime routine with bedtime stories and cuddles.
Still don't sleep 🤣🤣

No, my 3rd hardly ever slept. I remember thinking that he'd start sleeping through once he started nursery, then school. Nope! And he was always on the go too, he was exhausting. So you have my complete and utter sympathy OP. He did eventually sleep through, once he got to about 7 or 8, and was a typical teenager, sleeping late.

I'm glad he's gone, but do look into getting an occupation order. You don't want him wandering in and out willy nilly, because "it's his house too". Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time, because they're losing their control of you.

You said things were good before the children came along. This is also a typical part of abuse. Once they've got you pregnant, they feel they've got you trapped, so pregnancy, birth and marriage are all triggers.

Once you've got him out of the house, get the locks changed. You can buy the barrels in places like B&Q, and only need a screwdriver to change them. There are videos on YouTube showing how to do it.
Even if he hands his keys back, he might have had copies made, so this is important.

arewehumanorbones sounds like you're doing everything possible to facilitate your children sleeping! But honestly people who don't have non-sleepers don't understand, I didn't until I had a non-sleeper! But perhaps now that your home situation has changed, you'll feel freer, more positive and hopefully more rested?
I'm apprehensive though that your husband, may, using charm and false promises lure you back into the same grindingly awful situation. I'd advise very strong caution before even considering allowing him back especially in light of his behaviour of the past eight years. You sound intelligent, strong and switched on but even so OP please be on your guard against emotional appeals from him.

I had "good sleepers" but it wasn't anything clever I did. It was just how it was.

You sound fabulous OP. I bet you have a local reputation as a capable woman, a doer, organised. I've no doubt that you'll thrive.

You say nobody gives a shit but your dp does....
He sounds very annoying.

Can’t believe someone told her to stop breastfeeding and sleep train as a solution to having a lazy bastard of a husband! It must be a joke?!

I know I was just trying to think of ways to improve the OP's sleep, nothing to do with her DH's behaviour at all. That's a different issue..

OP, I'm glad you've got some breathing space with him out of the house, although he's also got out of parenting if he's staying with a mate.

Re. The non-sleepers. Could you ask your eldest to play quietly if they wake up early? May be give them a special activity to do? Sorry, I know this isn't the real point of the thread and I'm sure you've tried everything already - I just can't bear the thought of someone being so tired!

None of us know the situation exactly so its easy for people just to say leave him, but that would also be to tear a family apart. You did have 4 kids with him so he's been good enough up to now. Is there nothing he can do to make up for his poor efforts?

Married life isn't always easy, it sounds like you're just sounding off as it doesn't sound like he's actually done anything wrong. He goes out to work and your job is to look after the kids and housework, I'm sure he doesn't love his job all the time either.

Please stick with it, you owe it to the kids and each other, it'd be a shame to go this long...

Well done OP.
That couldn't have been easy.

Adrienne rtft!