My marriage is over because my husband takes half hour shits

[Arewehumanorbones]

Well obviously it's not that simple, but it's symptomatic.
Today I've just had enough.
I do every bloody night with the non sleeping kids. Husband has had beautiful sleep in the spare room since dc1 was born 8 years ago because he "has insomnia so can't cope with disrupted sleep".
Well fuck me, I haven't had a whole nights sleep in 8 years. This week I had 2. Lie insurance (only to 8am, but normally up at 5.30/6 with the toddler), and he's moaning about being ill and tired.
Today he hasthe day off. I've been awake since 4am with the toddler and done all the morning jobs etc. He gets up at 8am, sorts his own breakfast, potters around ignoring the kids, then disappears off for a half hour shit.
Well I'm just the SAHM so I suppose the kids and house are my job, but bollocks to that I've had enough. I've got my own part time job now, have squirrelled away some savings. At least as a single mum I'd get the odd weekend off for visitation. I've not had even a night out in 5 years.... While of course he has had weekends away and nights out with mates.
I'm currently upstairs leaving him to deal with the kids for 5 minutes. The trouble is he gets shouty and scares them which is why I've been reluctant to force the issue, but I'm at breaking point and noone seems to give a shit.

If you haven't had a night out in 5 years, then that's down to you too. Sorry, but it does sound like you've played the martyr for too long, and are now at the end of your tether with it.

He's a twat.

I would pack in the breastfeeding and sleep train immediately.

Why don't you also plan to go away for day and night. And I mean away... so you can't be pressured to come back? Time to reclaim your life.

he got me a coffee and played with the smalls for a bit so I could catch up on here! I've also asked if he could do tea and he wasn't averse (meal planned already and just pasta and tomato sauce so nothing difficult)

Oh love. The fact you see this as “decent” and not “standard” is truly telling.

I think @downcasteyes makes a fair point - that perhaps a trained professional could manage your (absolutely justified) anger into words that might penetrate his consciousness and have him “get” your distress, and act accordingly.

Worst case you see a professional, realise there is no way of him changing and give your relationship a “managed ending”.

Either way I wish you lots of luck, you sound exhausted and ignore ignore ignore the batshits on here. It really IS him, and not you

Sleep deprivation is the worst and I really feel for you, OP.

I know you don't want to respond anymore, but I'm just wondering if you're still bf your toddler and whether you could gradually wean them and switch them to sippy cups of almond/soy/rice milk, which I'm assuming you're giving the other dairy-intolerant children? That would at least take one possible sleep disturbance out of the equation.

Re. Your DH. I agree, he needs to step up or ship out, both parents need to be v. involved, esp. when you have 4 young children! Before you do anything major, though, I'd sit down with him and explain that you've had enough and if things don't change immediately, you'll be moving out (after you've gathered all the financial docs in case you do need to move). He needs a wake-up call.

He can def. get used to less sleep, perhaps go to bed earlier (9 pm) so that it won't be so difficult when your toddler wakes up at 4.

Re. The 30-minute poos. My DH also does them sometimes and it's really him reading or looking at his phone while he goes! I've trained him not to do it in the main bathroom as no on can go in there for a while afterwards. Seriously, though, it's not funny when they're using it to get out of helping...tell him he'll need to go to the doctor's if it's taking him so long as there must be something wrong with his bowels....he won't want anyone inspecting him up there....

I have not RTFT at all but the first few posts...shouting at the kids? Punches walls? The half-hour loo breaks are the least of the problems, he is abusive.

Glad your back OP and actually it doesnt sound like you are ready to ditch him if I am reading right. Only you can decide when and if the time is right - but there are things that sound like you need to deal with immediately.

The first is your lack of sleep - can you go to a hotel - I mean seriously have enough pumped milk and switch off the phone for 1 night?

It was most alarming to hear that he shouts at the kids - is there an issue there or can you trust him with them for extended periods of time or will he shout / bully them?

I remember these years as nothing but chores, constantly feeding kids, tidying up, doing 'stuff' all the time. It's a 2 person job and there is no room for 1 of the parents not to be doing thier bit - that's what needs to be addressed with your OH.

Are you ready to put your foot down?

My Ex used to vanish into the toilet for hours at a time. I honestly thought there was something, wrong with him. Turns out he was using facebook, email etc on his phone. Yuck

OP, I just wanted to tell you that you're totally amazing and your kids are really lucky to have such an awesome mum. X

OP, what are the household finances like? Could you pay for help (nanny / childminder / cleaner?). It would take some of the pressure off you in the first instance, but might then change the whole family dynamic so he can get involved and have fun with you and the kids?

Just an idea, if you just hate him I can understand why xx

It doesn't matter that other people think he's decent. They don't see him shouting at his kids, ignoring the fact his wife is on her knees with exhaustion, ignoring the fact she has to pay for lie ins and hasn't had a night out.

I want to take you out for cake, @Arewehumanorbones and you can bring all the kids and I'll buy them all the biggest cake they've ever seen. I'll be nice to them. I'll play with them and I'll make sure you have a good rest.

If you are that unhappy and he won't change then ask him to leave. It's important that you keep the house for the kids stability. Do not leave. It'll be a nightmare trying to find a new home for you and them.
I don't feel you should stay in this situation.
Well done for having and raising four children.

By properly decent I mean he got me a coffee and played with the smalls for a bit

But OP. This is normal, unremarkable stuff, not exceptional behaviour. So he made you a coffee and played with his own children. I think if that is properly decent in your eyes then you have very low expectations. You deserve more.

I had an abusive ex. Not violent, but he shouted when he couldn't get his own way, expected me to do the lion's share of the housework/childcare while working, etc, etc.

I finally left with the children about 2 years ago. They've both been diagnosed with depression, and in one case anxiety. Neither have any contact with their dad, their choice. I get the odd missive from time to time that suggests he's waiting for them to be older to "tell them the truth" and he's still convinced, despite evidence to the contrary, that I MUST have had an affair because why would I have left otherwise?

Still, life is so much better, the three of us agree. Calmer, funnier and we're doing stuff he'd never have done in a million years (not would have let us do them)

I was with him for 3 decades. I regret not leaving earlier, but do not regret leaving at all. Maybe I will even start dating this year, no my self esteem has risen so much.

OP I mention all this because I was initially told it couldn't be that bad, because he didn't hit me or the DCs. But emotional abuse is truly real, it leaves mental scars. and the snippets you've written about your DH make me think you should consider separating from him. It's entirely possible that once he's not in your day to day lives, your DCs are calmer and sleep better. And punching walls is a definite red flag, it's still a form of violence.

Arewehuman glad you've had the thread moved; hope you don't get any more idiots (they tend to stick to AIBU, luckily) but if you do, ignore them. You don't have to justify yourself here at all.

Tell us what you need.

So glad you have a part time job and some savings. You are an amazing mum, but do seek help from Women’s Aid as his behaviour is not right. Wishing you luck

By properly decent I mean he got me a coffee and played with the smalls for a bit so I could catch up on here!

But that's totally normal behaviour - it shouldn't even stand out to you as special.

People saying I've been a martyr, yes I admit there has been an element of this.
It's communication that's the problem, I possibly pick the wrong times and wait until I'm at the end of my tether, which he then takes as being accusatory, and gets angry and defensive.
I'll try tonight once the kids are in bed to have s.decent chat

My husband is pretty shit like this. He works f.t and its an hour's drive away. He's currently still in the town he works having a shit in tesco. Last night he sat on the loo here for an hour while i did all the dishes after cooking. All i do is cook and clean and look after 3 dc

I was in a very similar position to you OP with my now STBEXH. I have two DC, one with ASD and he has a very disrupted sleep pattern.

I left my ex two years ago and despite how scared I was and had no idea how I was going to make it work financially, here I am with my beautiful DC and we are so much happier, it's unreal.

I still have to do everything on my own but the big difference is, the simmering resentment that was always there is gone.

I didn't know I was in an abusive relationship until after I had left, it had to be pointed out to me because I had become so used to minimising and excusing all the horrible behaviour.

I hope I'm not projecting my situation onto you but it might be worth taking time to evaluate what you need and want and ask yourself if you truly think your DH will ever provide that.

OP, whatever you decide to do, I just wanted to say you’re a superhero. You’re working so hard in the home, I can’t believe you’re holding down a part time job too. No one has the right to tell you how many children you should have had or how to feed them. I sure that you will work out what’s best for you. I don’t like the sound of the aggression when you challenge him, but I don’t think you need my advice, you’re amazing. It will get easier with the sleeping, and then everything else gets easier too.

@MulticolourMophead I had exactly the same with my ex. He was abusive in every way except physically. Unfortunately he was allowed to continue his control and was awarded 50/50 custody of our two boys-they were just 3 and 6 at the time.

I live in a damp rented two-bed five years on while he remains in the five-bed executive family home with his unemployed 24 yo gf. I get nothing in the way of maintenance despite our earning potentials being poles apart. He even claims CB for one son despite earning £100k plus pa.

Five years on and the effects of the abuse are still very present. I am having counselling which is helping but sleep etc is still a problem. I now have a fiance who has been wonderful but I know he finds it hard that I still struggle to trust. Self-confidence, well, I still hardly have any.

I don't regret leaving. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do but at least I don't feel so scared all of the time any more 😊

By properly decent I mean he got me a coffee and played with the smalls for a bit so I could catch up on here!

Yes, my ex used to think he'd done something special in making me a cuppa. Even after so may years he'd make it wrong, either he couldn't be bothered to find out how I liked my drink, or knew and just didn't care.

@Ella1980 I'l never be able to buy my own place now (he was very clever in always saying we didn't need to get married - DD has learned a lesson there, she says she won't have DCs herself unless she's married). I rent but we feel so comfortable here despite having much less money.