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Original poster

Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

245 replies

SongToTheSiren1 · 19/02/2019 20:52

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 11:58

The depressing thing is that I don't actually think señora is a man.

Adora10 · 21/02/2019 12:01

Don't think it's a man either, each to their own, I am sure some couple do go to these places, I highly doubt the OP has or would, so a bit pointless trying to encourage her, patronising at the least.

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 12:05

The women are either bi, masochists or so far down the rabbit hole of pandering to men and deluding themselves that they enjoy pandering to men that they're lost causes.

Some are also just young and silly, they'll realise just how deluded and manipulated they were later.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 21/02/2019 12:21

Do you want this in 10 years?
10 months?
10 weeks?
Then why would you consider it now?

If you get rid of him you can start healing and feeling better.
Dont be left picking your esteem up off the floor wondering if you are good enough.
You are too good for this rubbish.
Get rid.
Your future self will love you for it.

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 12:35

I no am sure some couple do go to these places, I highly doubt the OP has or would, so a bit pointless trying to encourage her, patronising at the least.

It's like suggesting swinging as a solution to finding out your partner's had an affair. Boggles the mind.

NeatFreakMama · 21/02/2019 12:46

It sounds like you're conflicted so take your time in making a decision, it's your relationship no one else's. It might be something you can work through and it might not but take time to feel which it is for you. You must be feeling terrible, I'm sorry.

Lightofday · 21/02/2019 12:47

As much as I want to say, that yeah you should take your time...you really need to take that time AWAY from him.

I went through a situation when I was younger, and, lets just say you may think that you have nothing else to lose. But you do - you can lose yourself. Right now, you still know who you are, what your boundaries are and what you are and are not ok with and right from wrong.

If you keep this person around and whitewash their stripclub activities, my feeling is that (perhaps after a time of best behaviour) they might be like 'well I got away with that, what else can I get away with'. And then the sh*t starts...perhaps little things, at first. And you start making excuses: 'Oh, he wasn't thinking', 'oh typical guy', 'oh im probably over-reacting', 'oh AT LEAST he hasn't gone back to a strip club' and 'but i've worked so hard for this relationship, I can't give up on him' and on and on until a broken women, you finally get away.

And you are left not only lonely and missing him...but also wondering who the f*ck you even are anymore. Right now you are young, you haven't married him, no kids to worry about and he has already crossed your boundaries. He has already completely disregarded your feelings and how hurt you would be by his (planned) actions. People who do this...don't tend to suddenly develop a conscience. Sure, it might have been a one off. But if you forgive this, could you trust yourself to walk away if there is a next time? It's a slippery slope, believe me.

I say, leave when you're still...you. But if you take him back, please be careful.
xx

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 12:55

@lightofday - what an excellent post.

There is definitely a risk/danger in getting further in, especially children with someone who's shown behaviour like this.

Op now you're in shock, hurting etc. It won't always be like that. Don't start with him because you're lonely or scared.vyoubcan build up your life and you will meet someone else.

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 12:55

*stay

Lightofday · 21/02/2019 13:03

Yeh well op said they'd no plans for kids anyway (I just meant tht she hasn't got them then there isn't that tie to him at least so if she wants to be totally free of him it'll be possible).

mkmo · 21/02/2019 13:04

I'm so sorry OP but I do not think this is the end of your relationship. I think you should give him another chance.

He cheated physically but not emotionally.

It wouldn't really bother me too much if my partner went to a strip club but it's the lying which is the issue.

Has he lied before? I think you should make it clear that you need to regain his trust

Mitzimaybe · 21/02/2019 13:09

If you are even thinking of continuing the relationship then you need honesty from him. Did he pay by credit card or cash? If it was credit card, ask him to show you his statements for the last year and see whether it is a regular thing. I would ask him first "how many times have you been" and then ask to see the credit card statements. Obviously if he pays cash then it's harder to prove / disprove.

Going on his own strongly suggests that it's something he has done before. I think most men would go with mates for encouragement the first time or two.

I'm the same as you - I might be naive but I wouldn't mind too much if my partner tagged along with everyone else on a stag do (even though I don't think he would). Going alone and having a private, naked dance is a totally different situation and would be unacceptable to me.

Zahra76 · 21/02/2019 13:35

“He cheated physically but not emotionally.”

Ha - that old chestnut.

Do you think it’s “emotional” when men arrange to meet / have sex with women on Tinder. Is a drunk grope in a bar or one night stand “emotional?”

No they are not, but at least these men don’t sink so low as to pay for it.

MostlyBoastly · 21/02/2019 13:41

Anyone who thinks they can pay women to use their body for arousal isn’t that far off being okay with prostitution to my mind. It’s a double edged sword: Not only is it a betrayal, it speaks volumes about their attitude towards women.

girlwithadragontattoo · 21/02/2019 13:50

Hi OP. My partner watches the live cam stuff which really doesn't bother me. Going to a strip club also wouldn't bother me if it was something like a stag do etc..
But i think I'd be pretty pissed if my partner had ditched his friends and then walked across town by himself to the strip club and paid out a lot of money.
Do you think he went by himself? Or went as a group and he just hasn't admitted that to you yet?

lovesmarties · 21/02/2019 15:39

Anyone who thinks they can pay women to use their body for arousal isn’t that far off being okay with prostitution to my mind.

Hmm. Interesting. But where's 'paying one's BBC license to watch Poldark and see Aidan Turner take off his top' fit on this continuum?

pinkgloves · 21/02/2019 15:52

Jesus. Some of you ha e your bar set so incredibly low.

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 16:27

My partner watches the live cam stuff which really doesn't bother me.

ShockConfused

F1amingo · 21/02/2019 16:45

“Hmm. Interesting. But where's 'paying one's BBC license to watch Poldark and see Aidan Turner take off his top' fit on this continuum?”

No it’s not interesting at all and obviously there is no such a continuum.

youknowmedontyou · 21/02/2019 17:10

*I'm so sorry OP but I do not think this is the end of your relationship. I think you should give him another chance.

He cheated physically but not emotionally*

Fucking hell some women will accept any shite!! It doesn't matter he was fucking another woman because emotionally he wasn't engaged? His cock was happy but not his brain, so that's just fine!

Moralitym1n1 · 21/02/2019 17:18

“Hmm. Interesting. But where's 'paying one's BBC license to watch Poldark and see Aidan Turner take off his top' fit on this continuum?”

I suppose it would fit on the same place as when attractive actresses wear revealing clothing or remove clothing in TV programmes and in films; which is pretty much constantly.

Which is not this.

Adora10 · 21/02/2019 17:21

Fucking hell some women will accept any shite!! It doesn't matter he was fucking another woman because emotionally he wasn't engaged? His cock was happy but not his brain, so that's just fine!

That did make me laugh but totally agree, men have no more right to extra sides than a woman; as for allowing your partner to indulge in web cam, wow, and eeeeew.

sonjadog · 21/02/2019 17:25

The thing is, if you forgive him, will you ever trust him again? You say he doesn’t really understand why this is different than a stag do. How is he not going to do it in future if he doesn’t get it? As well, he has conveniently forgotten the details and honestly, how likely is it that this was the one and only time he has done this? It seems more likely to me that it is now coming out who he really is, and that is a guy who likes to go to strip clubs for naked dances and who thinks that there is nothing wrong with that. Is that really who you want to be with? You will survive without him. It will hurt a lot for a while, but you will move on. Don’t talk yourself into believing that you have to have him.

CeeCee58 · 21/02/2019 17:28

The live cam stuff would be too much for me.

FrozenMargarita17 · 21/02/2019 17:30

OP I haven't read the full thread but the way I see it isn't actually about the dance, it's the fact you had talked about and laid out a boundary of what you wouldn't accept and he decided to not only cross the boundary, he stomped all over it, walked back and did it again. It's not something I could come back from. My husband knows I am not ok with strip clubs, he previously has been but since he has been with me he has not, because he knows it's what I'm not ok with! And I would treat him the same.

I guess you have to decide what you'll allow because once you allow him to cross a boundary (and an important one) where does it stop?