Asked partner to leave yesterday morning - strip club

[SongToTheSiren1]

Hi everyone, looking for advice I guess. Or maybe I just want to write it down. Can't really think straight.

Been with OH for 7 years, lived together for 4. I am 30, he is 32. No children, no plans for children. Get on well, easy relationship, no arguments and so on.

Found receipt early hours of this Sunday morning for the strip club in the town we live in. I was away that weekend, it was for the Friday night. He had plans on the the Friday night which is why he didn't come with me (we were staying with good friends, not weird that I went on my own). This was 3 weeks ago the weekend away. I said nothing on Sunday because I didn't want to - it was the first Sunday in ages that I could just stay in and do nothing and I didn't want that to change! We had a really nice day which made me feel shitty because I was just prolonging the inevitable.

Monday morning I got up to go for a run and before I left I handed the receipt over and said when I get home from work I want the truth about this and if you are not willing to tell me then don't be here when I get home. Then I left. I'm really not good at confrontation or at serious stuff so I was all shaky saying this.

When I got back I had a text admitting he went to this strip club and that it was wrong and he is sorry. We had a back and forth about this with me asking what he had (because of the amount on the receipt) and he said he had a dance and a couple of drinks, when pressed on what dance he said private, fully nude. Can barely remember it, was so drunk, made stupid drunken mistake and so on. He went on his own (!). I asked him to stay at his parents last night.

When I got home from work he'd taken a few days worth of stuff. We have spoken via text today but not face to face. I went to work as normal yesterday but was really upset and didn't get a lot done. I don't like my job so this was just too much on top,. I booked today off as leave so I haven't been in today. I'm going back tomorrow.

I don't like strip clubs as a rule as I think they are very seedy and I don't have a lot of respect for people that frequent them. I understand that it is each to their own on this topic. Although I don't like it, I accept that people go on stags and the like and he was on a stag in November where I am sure he spent the day in a strip club with a group of mates and I don't care about this as such, Don't know why.
But this to me is totally different. Totally inappropriate behaviour. He would have had to walk across town to get from where he was that evening to the club, making a conscious decision to go. On his own! And then paid for what he paid for. To me, having a topless dance in the public bar is different to paying for a private and fully nude one. Drunk or not, decision to do that still made. He likes porn and I know he doesn't see strip clubs as anything but harmless 'entertainment'. We've had that conversation. He knows I feel differently. I thought he had respect for me to not do something like this. But obviously not?

I don't know if I can forgive this? I know it isn't cheating (is it? Or is it up to me if it is or isn't to be considered cheating?) but it is such a betrayal. I don't understand why he did this. All he says is he was drunk and he is sorry.

I love him and I am so sad. And the house feels empty. The cat is looking for him. There's blank spaces where his stuff should be. I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him. But. How do I trust him? If he'll do this what else will he do? Can I live in our house without him there? We rent. I can't afford to move. I don't want to be without him but I don't want him to come back yet either.

I don't know what I'm asking. I want guidance. But I know it's up to me not anybody else. I don't know what to do. I am lost.

Thank you for reading.

I couldn't forgive and forget. You're doing the right thing by having the space to think this through.

A bunch of lads/men, bravado, stag nights ... it happens, we all know it happens.

A bloke who waits until his wife goes away, then goes to a strip club on his own and pays for a private nude 'dance' (and I use the word 'dance' loosely) is a different kettle of fish entirely.

I doubt it's the first time it's happened and I guarantee it wouldn't have been the last if OP hadn't found the receipt.

Personally this would completely turn me off somebody and I would struggle to maintain any sort of respect or attraction to them.

Here's an idea....why don't you hire a male stripper to come to yours let him get naked and grind on you while your fuckwit of a boyfriend watches.

I wonder if he would maintain his view of the situation??

I smell a cheat....Run for the hills!

I wouldn’t have a problem with a strip club ... with friends but private dance and going alone, not so much. It would ring major alarm bells for me, more so the going alone if I’m honest!!

I guess it depends a bit on what the DH has told the OP too- which I'm not too clear about. Is he hurting the same amount as you OP? If he says he can't really remember, he's never done it before etc and doesn't seem too desolate about the whole thing I'd be thinking that realistically this wasn't the first time. As a pp said, he ought to be willing to show you his bank statements for example, if he's being 100% honest. It's so sad but if there are doubts then I think it should be over, for your sake. You are young and deserve better.

If he is VERY apologetic, takes FULL responsibility and is clearly desperately heartbroken at his actions and has offered up all the facts for you to check- then based on what you're saying there *could be some sliver of a chance to try again with him. However only with the help of counselling for you both, which he would have to willingly agree to, to help with trust issues, and re-affirming of clear boundaries.

Agree, I would have done the same thing. Totally it’s agree it’s in the circumstances - there’s a different between a group on a stag night going into the public bar and a guy going on his own and getting a private dance.

Going with a group on a stag night is very different IMO, but I would not be okay with a dance even on a stag night.

I do find it quite sleazy going alone for a private/lap dance

You have a man who doesn't see it as wrong... that's a big issue here. If he was remorseful and promising never to do it again... that might give room to consider things.

Evaluate your whole relationship. Is he great in other areas, or do you have issues apart from this,

Going along with a group as part of a stag do is still sleazy, pathetic and grim.

But going on his own to get a private 'dance' when the OP was away was a deliberate and calculated decision to go and seek sexual gratification from another woman. i.e. cheating.

It's the most horrific thing.

I was where you are 6 years ago but I had 2 kids with my H already and naively thought it was a one off drunken moment of madness.

I was desperate to believe it in spite of wiser women on here who told me otherwise.

It wasn't. Only in the last few weeks, I have found out he's been carrying on doing this every time he goes out - ie every 1 - 2 mths over the past 6 years.

Not only that but he moved on to brothels and prostitutes. Because he could.

We now have 3 kids together. Frankly, my world has fallen apart.

Get out now, OP, while you can. There are better men than these. You have no kids, you can move on and be happy with a full and happy future without this perverted cunt bringing you down for the rest of your life.

I assure you, he'll do it again.

Wise words from shock OP. I do hope you’re ok and so sorry to hear your situation.

I was where you are 6 years ago but I had 2 kids with my H already and naively thought it was a one off drunken moment of madness.
Yes, just like my ex. I thought the first time was a one off drunken moment of madness ... and the second time was too... and the third time. Deep down I knew it wasn't a drunken moment of madness and he would have done it sober too.

Only in the last few weeks, I have found out he's been carrying on doing this every time he goes out - ie every 1 - 2 mths over the past 6 years
Again, just like my ex. When they do it once and get away with it they will do it again and again. So, so wish I had chucked my ex the very first time I found out he had been to a brothel.

I assure you, he'll do it again.
Yes he will.

I think a man who does this would think nothing of cheating, it's the next step isn't it? Big into porn, has women dancing naked for him, sex is next on the list it's only a matter of time. He does not respect women op, including you.

Years of experience, bad relationships and being cheated on and abused have taught me that it's those men that watch porn/go to strip clubs.

Nice men don't go to strip clubs. I can't stand stag do's either. Last night of 'freedom' and staring at naked women like objects. No thanks. DH didn't do that. He also doesn't watch porn. He respects women.

Am so sorry OP. This hurts so much. My ex went to strip clubs all the time. It’s unlikely to be a one off

Hi everyone. Update for anyone who might be interested. He was gone for a month and then I cracked and he came home because I asked him to. I missed him so much. We did all the deep meaningful talks about what happened and our future and so on while he was living away from our home and in the end I thought well I wanted to salvage our relationship so we need to give it a go. He left again 1st June for good this time. I just couldn't forgive him you know? Or I could forgive the event, but couldn't look at him the same. Could forgive the event, but not what I felt it represented.
I'm having such a rough time and having to be strong because I do miss him and do love him and it would be easy to say "move back in!" but I know it would be the wrong thing to do. We are trying to stay friends (at the moment have to see each other anyway as there is house stuff to sort out amongst other things etc etc) and are getting on really well which makes it even harder! We didn't end up having a big falling out or anything, I just came home from work one day in tears and told him I just couldn't forgive him. And we've gone from there.
Not sure why I am posting really I suppose to tell you all you were right and that it absolutely was a dealbreaker and I wouldn't move past it. I couldn't post before today as I was too upset and running at a million miles a minute trying to distract myself which I have finally stopped doing this weekend. Currently sat on sofa with a bad cold/cough just watching tv and resting like I did yesterday and felt strong enough to post, so I have. Thank you for all the support I was given back in February, I listened to your words like voices in my head when I was feeling weak!
I still have a little cry every day once I get home and I'm alone because I feel so sad about what our relationship became but even though I'm unhappy now I can recognise that I have done the right thing for me and for both of us really. Rambling again! Thanks everyone

I really feel for you OP. Lots of strength and best wishes to you.

You are not over reacting. Going to strip club - not on stag do - and having private nude dance is bad.

Well done for doing what you know, deep down, is right for you in the long term.
You will get through this difficult time, I'm sure, and should be so proud for being brave enough to listen to your gut.
This difficult period will pass. Let the crying happen. Better things are on their way to you. X

I think everyone has their own boundaries after all some couples have open relationships etc . But he knew those and did not respect you . Did you consider couples counselling at all ? I admire you for trying again and you do seem to have a strong relationship in some respects? Do you think you have fallen out of love with him or has the trust just gone?

Gosh, what’s an amazingly example of healthy self-esteem and boundaries you are. I know this must hurt like hell, but you will come out of this with your heart and integrity intact. I hope I can raise my daughters to have the same strength and belief in themselves.

I didn’t see this thread back in Feb, but just read the whole thing and I think you have totally done the right thing. You gave it a go, you tried to move past it, so you won’t be sitting there full of regrets wondering “what if”. Now you know for certain how you feel about it. It is sad but I wouldn’t be able to forgive that either. It would change how I viewed the person, which sounds like what’s happened in your case. You will feel better in time. Treat yourself kindly

Sending hugs

I feel for you OP, people underestimate sometimes that forgiving may not be that difficult but trying to feel exactly the same about someone and how you see ‘us’ isn’t quite the same thing. The problem with many people is that ifone oarty kind of ‘forgives’ and stays the other party often expects everything stays the same including feelings and that often isn’t the case, even if on paper you want it to be, minds and hearts don’t always work like that

If he was as drunk as he says he was, would they allow him to have a fully naked private dance?? I know absolutely nothing about strip clubs....

The irony is this may change him. He may reflect on what he has lost and it may make him a better person. But your lives are on different paths now and that’s the way it will be. It’s growing up.

I don't know if I could come back from this either. I really feel for you, you must feel so hurt and betrayed xx