My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

Sorry OP - I thought it was Sept this year - not Sept last year.

So how much long are you going to wait for OH not to sign the form?

At what point will you and your son put her name on that flat?

Seems you are facilitating his girlfriend, potentially ending up in the same position?

OP are you saying you soent that money o the house in the last 2 years? Since it's been about 2 yeara since your son, spoke to your partner and all this as happened 'recently'. Everything was fine, up until 2 years ago and the everything went tits up?

O I would never push him away like that, that would make him feel like he's the problem and he's not. By the time he goes it will be the right time for them both, although she has the uni house she is here a lot if the time so being together full time won't be a shock to their systems. It will be right for them which as his mum is all I want, for him to be happy. It's sad that didn't happen for him here by as I said, I didn't have a crystal ball. We are both off between Christmas and new year with no commitments/work trips etc so I will call the solicitor and make an appointment for then.

I would be wary about putting her name on the flat yet - there is no mortgage and it was a cash purchase - she will have had no financial input and they won't be paying rent so maybe if they marry in the future that's a question for then. It's his now rather than when I die but I don't want him to potentially lose anything should things go wrong - I can't see that but nobody does do they or they would never enter into any relationship.
Yes, I bought back in Feb 18 and it went wrong for my son and my partner in the Jan, just on the new year when we got back from Paris. There was a huge bust up (there have been several since) at which point my son decided he was "an adult" and wouldn't be spoken to like that and decided they shouldn't speak. He said he would be happier for them to live separate lives in the same house. I did try mediate but my son is sticking fast.

We are both off between Christmas and new year with no commitments/work trips etc so I will call the solicitor and make an appointment for then.

Solicitors won’t be open between Xmas and NY. All he needs to do is sign the form that you gave to him in Feb/March.

Why can’t he do that now?

What are you waiting for?

I would not have your DS’s GF’s name anywhere near that flat. I would also seek legal advice so that is protected for him indefinitely.

I would be wary about putting her name on the flat yet - there is no mortgage and it was a cash purchase - she will have had no financial input and they won't be paying rent so maybe if they marry in the future that's a question for then.

And what about up keep, work done on it, decorating etc?

I am not saying her name should go on straight away. I am simply pointing out she is in the same position you are.

You are prepared to fight a lengthy legal battle. What if, down the line, she was.

So what would be the right thing to do with the flat ? Any advice welcome, they will pay their own bills but pay no rent while they save, once the tenant goes we will have a couple of weeks before they move in so will go armed with paint and brushes to give it a once over.

If I were you I would be telling my son that he and her need to have a converstation about her rights and what she expects and what he expects. Ensure they are both legally covered if possible. What happens if the flat does up in value while she is living there and maintain it?

I just find it odd that you think this is a good idea, when you have ended up in the shit by accepting the same situation and see the potential fall out from it.

My situation isn't the same as hers though, she will have no financial input into the flat apart from paying for bills and food which she would have to do wherever she lives. They are looking to stay for 2- 3 years while they save for a house at which point we put a tenant back in there. The flat is a long term investment for him - at such point where they marry (if they do) then things would change but we aren't there yet.

If there are loopholes then please let me know, I haven't done this before so it's all new !!!!! They would share bills, share expenses re cars, holidays etc but the flat itself would stay in his name. If they need more money for the house then the flat could be sold.

The son's girlfriend is not in any way remotely in the same situation as the OP. The son has a flat of his own and the girlfriend will be moving into it with him. She has put nothing into it financially and I hope she isn't going to be daft enough to do so without a legal framework in place, then she would be in the same position as the OP.

The son is only 21. The girlfriend a similar age. Anything could happen, and they both need to protect themselves if things go wrong. I suggest they see a solicitor and talk about the various options available to them. The last thing they should do is to assume their relationship will last forever and that they'll always be nice to one another. Hopefully, your son will use your experiences to keep on the right side of sensible.

Buying a house together in the future is a completely different type of thing to him owning a flat from the start and her not having any assets of her own that she puts in.

Sorry but you have swapped on toxic relationships for another.

my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son

My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister

These are massive red flags and you need to leave OP.
Your son must come first.

One*

The son's girlfriend is not in any way remotely in the same situation as the OP. The son has a flat of his own and the girlfriend will be moving into it with him.

Yes and if they are splitting hills that includes up keep. Or what if they have a baby before they move or get married.

She has put nothing into it financially and I hope she isn't going to be daft enough to do so without a legal framework in place, then she would be in the same position as the OP.

Like the OP did? That's my point. If I were her I would be making sure the girlfriend either doesnt sink money into the flat or I'd she does, make sure my son does the eight thing.

OP did it because she thought she was building something for the future for all of them. The girlfriend may think the same.

I am just surprised OP is so excited about another woman, potentially, get herself into the same position.

Notice I didnt say her name should go on. But that they should probably both protect themseleves. And the girlfriend definitely shouldnt pay anything over living costs, for the time being.

Sorry if I've missed it, but have you consulted a solicitor on your own to clarify your legal position with regards to the house and the money you 'gave' this man? Seems to me that he can just walk away with the lot and there's nothing you can do since you have nothing in writing to show that the money wasn't a 'gift'.

I read the whole thread and just saw your update and am genuinely shocked.

I feel sorry for your son. You feel proud of him for standing up to your partner? How about not putting him in that position? You've made him live with someone who has ignored him for two years.

Now you're drip feeding that he's an alcoholic?

He's fleeced you for your money and you've prioritised your own happiness over your sons wellbeing. Despite apparently reflecting on it 9 months ago.

I would happily lose 120k over 2 years of my child's happiness. It's gone anyway, you're never seeing it again. Stop acting like it in any way is the reason you're still there.

Really hoping this is a work of fiction.

I posted earlier but you haven’t responded, why do you think he will sign the document and sell the house? What possible motivation is there for him to do that?

I think you are wise OP to stay and fight for the equity you have thrown into the home.
You arent weak by any means!
Dont listen to the naysayers.
Your son is grown now. And although I'm sure it's a tough environment for the both of you to live in good will come out of all this.
You fight for what's yours.
Your son knows you love him
This is all that matters.

I think you are wise OP to stay and fight for the equity you have thrown into the home.

There is no fight. That's the point. OP isnt fighting for her money and there isnt really a fight to be had. OP says she will take him to court, yet 10 months later keeps putting off trying to make him even sign a piece of paper.

If she does take him to court, she may not win. And even if she does, its not a given the house sale will be forced. Or that it will sell or she/her son will see the money.

Unless he signs out of good will, OP will lose a load of money and maybe not see anything.

I'm a bit confused. If he ever signs he document. Which is looking unlikely. How will you recover your money as you can't force him to sell? Selling also seems tricky given all the building difficulties will be uncovered at survey/conveyance stage.

You're an absolute fool. If the advice and urgency given by posters when you first posted this hasn't sunk in then I don't think anyone can help you. You're blaming him for everything. It's YOU that put all your money into a house you don't own without seekig legal advice. Nobody made you do it. Nobody is making you sit there like a lemon in that house with someone you don't love waiting for him to sign paperwork he's never going to sign. Wake up. You've given away £120k. What else are you going to lose before you actually do something?

Nah.

Why on earth are people thinking that a 22 yo in a 2 yr old relationship , where both are equally able to earn an income should sign away half his capital? This is bonkers! Nothing like the OP’s situation as the gf is not putting her own capital into the flat.

The son might have two more long term gf’s before he gets married and has kids, is he supposed to give away half the value of the flat each time he splits up with someone ?

OP: if the flat is in his name, he owns it. Sharing the rental income in UK law is seen as putting a property in someone’s name to avoid CG or IT.

State what you need from your Ds as loan repayment or something, and leave him and his gf to sort their finances as they will, as adults.

Meanwhile, if you reach April, win against the builder, and the Deed is STILL not signed, what on earth do you have to gain?

I bet you anything this man will say the legal fees come out if your money..... or still just decline to sign.

I cannot guarantee anything, if the worst happens we lose against the builders but looking at the report, we cant see that happening. But .. never say never.
I have made a solicitors appointment for Monday 30 December at 9am - the document has to be witnessed and also paid for.
I will not let me sons gf put any money into the flat, to be honest its only small - 2 bed 2 bathroom lounge & kitchen so I cant see there is the scope to extend, plus its only 4 years old so everthing in there needs improving or replacing.
When I say we split the rent, my son takes it all, then he pays me from that as his monthly keep. He is the landlord on the tenancy agreement, so the rent goes to him.
Re drip feeding re alcohol - its not until my partner has seen the consultant and been diagnosed with atrial fibrilation that I did any research on drink and its downside - for example I would have never said there were 2.7 units in a can of Stella, I dont think hes an alcoholic, all I asked is if he would consider cutting down in an attempt to avoid a general anaesthetic. I would so anything it took to avoid going in for surgery.
And if on the 30th he wont sign, he wont sign, I dont have a crystal ball but will do my best.
And the house wont sell now, we have to get the defects put right as we dont have a building reg certificate as the inspectors failed it - again this should go in our favour in court.