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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner & my son hate each other

380 replies

Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 13:51

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

OP posts:
Gogreen · 08/12/2019 12:20

Firstly I would be reassuring the son that he comes first, he is without doubt in the fore front of your mind, and for him, your going to have to play it cool and he is going to have to our up with your partner until you can sort this financial mess out, once it’s sorted you and your son can leave. Explain the plan too him and you both know what your working together for

Original poster
Pinkielove · 08/12/2019 13:14

Thank you Gogreen, you understand 😊 that's exactly where I am coming from - in order - get to court, win, get a payout, get the work done, sell and then leave. He can take the flat in May when his gf finishes uni so at least I know he's happy. I can the work on the rest step by step but the legal process can't be rushed. We still have 2 weeks to question the surveyor as do the builders, he has till mid Jan to reply, we have to file a revised schedule of loss based on his figures, get the steels checked by a structural engineer, file a pre trial checklist, it's a lot of work and time but I owe it to Mum and dad whose money this was to get justice for the crap work they did. And then I can pursue my get out but I have to keep my powder dry and play a clever game.

OP posts:
Kitty2020 · 08/12/2019 13:36

But you have got it all in the wrong order.

What is the point of funding the builders courts case when your name isn’t on the deeds!!!

Get your name on the deeds. Give him a deadline and consequences. 48hrs to sign that you have a stake in the house otherwise you are done.

How much has taking the builders to court cost to date - surveyors etc and legal fees? Who has paid this? How much is there left to pay? Who is paying this?

Are you happy for your DS to gift half of the flat to his GF - to put her name on the deeds?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 08/12/2019 13:47

I cant go on the deeds without going on the mortgage which I won't do - I won't take on his debt. I am taking a portion of the equity. Solicitors are being paid as we go - he's paying - about £8k so far but the claim is tens of thousands - we will get fees back when (if) we win - surveyor def on our side and his report is so damning it leaves the builders little wriggle room. The evidence speaks for itself. My son and his gf are only a year and a half in, the flat stays in his name for the foreseeable.

OP posts:
Kitty2020 · 08/12/2019 13:51

Sorry - not the deeds then - what was the legal doc that you have drawn up with solicitor to stake a share?

He has refused to sign this - so what is the point of going to court to sue the builders for you?

SevenStones · 08/12/2019 13:51

Son will never move into the flat. In May we will hear that the tenant won't move out, or the tenancy agreement has some obscure clause that needs to be fixed which will take time and until the case against the builders is sorted that has to be put on hold. And so on.

If I didn't know someone personally who is as passive as the OP I'd also think this wasn't real.

Original poster
Pinkielove · 08/12/2019 14:07

The tenant has already been given notice, I only need to give her 2 months but wanted to be fair to her as she is a single lady - she has agreed and will vacate by the given date - no issue, we have a court date of a day to be confirmed within a 3 week window starting 3 April - i can't hurry it more than that, that's at the direction of the court. The document is to give me a share of the equity as I refuse to go on the mortgage.

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 08/12/2019 14:16

Once the court case is over, assuming your partner wins, what's to stop him selling his house and trousering the profit?

Oh yeah, it's the document giving you a share of the equity. That he's been about to sign since April.

afterme · 08/12/2019 14:24

Do you actually want to be with this man?

ChiaraRimini · 08/12/2019 14:26

I

Huggybear16 · 08/12/2019 14:41

Why does the court case need to be over before he signs the document about your equity?

notapizzaeater · 08/12/2019 14:50

He doesn't have to give you any of your money back, you can't force him to sell as you're not on the deeds, currently you are vulnerable

Original poster
Pinkielove · 08/12/2019 15:02

Do I want to be with this man ? No, I don't think I can love a man who doesn't accept that I come as a package, he has always known that and a man who can be financially deviant. Agree I have to get that document signed and time is crucial, I don't have to wait till after the case. There is nothing to stop him refusing to sell so that would need me taking legal action to recover my share. I have to bide my time till the house is saleable

OP posts:
afterme · 08/12/2019 15:04

What is your relationship like? Does he know you don’t want to be with him?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 08/12/2019 15:20

He knows I am unhappy.but he's so thick skinned he just thinks he can plough on and it will all come right. I can't reveal my hand until my name is on the document

OP posts:
Kitty2020 · 08/12/2019 15:39

Your name is never going to be on the document.

He has refused to sign it since March.

It was disrespectful, ridiculous and financially abuse that you had to approach a solicitor after 4 years.

But he has still not signed it.
He will not sign it.
Deadline him - give him 48hrs to do it.

You have talked about keeping your powder dry at least 4 times - you don’t have any powder.

MsRomanoff · 08/12/2019 15:53

Agree I have to get that document signed and time is crucial, I don't have to wait till after the case. There is nothing to stop him refusing to sell so that would need me taking legal action to recover my share. I have to bide my time till the house is saleable

And yet almost a year later, he hasnt signed it. Where are you going to get the money to fund another lengthy legal case. What happens if one of dies before that's resolved.

Theres absolutely no reason to not demand its signed now. But you choose not too and expect everyone here to pretend you have your shit together and 'keeping your powder dry'.

You arent. You are just sat back accepting the situation. Whilst pretending you are some strong independent woman who knows what she is doing.

I suspect you woild get more aynoafhy of you just admitted you simply cant achieve this. That you depend in the men in your life to give it direction and lead the way and that you seem unable to actually take control. You are waiting for someone to come save you.

You need alot of professional support to work through your issues

AlwaysCheddar · 08/12/2019 16:20

Get a seed of trust So your share is protected. Act now.

AlwaysCheddar · 08/12/2019 16:20

Deed

Thedeadwood · 08/12/2019 16:50

Do I want to be with this man ? No, I don't think I can love a man who doesn't accept that I come as a package, he has always known that and a man who can be financially deviant

What a pity you didn’t realise this over the last decade and instead forced your child to live with someone he hated all this time.

You keep on talking about keeping your powder dry and playing the long game. Your other half has been doing that for heading towards a decade on you and NOTHING WHATSOEVER has changed.

merryhouse · 08/12/2019 17:16

(1) write a new will (interim! don't worry about it! you don't need to detail everything you own!)

(2) ask him to sign that document

(3) - whether he signs or not - MOVE OUT

You're not going to get any of your money back unless he signs. Even if he does, you're not going to get it unless he sells.

Staying with him and funding the court costs is not going to make him sign, and it's not going to make him sell.

Original poster
Pinkielove · 08/12/2019 17:51

It wasn't always like this - do you all think I would have entered into this relationship 10 years ago if I knew then what I know now ? He used to get on with his family, he and my son weren't always like this and I did what I did with the money for the good of us all - if we all had a crystal ball maybe we would all do things differently. Things and people change over time and if I had seen any of this coming I would have done differently. I didn't deliberately put my son with someone he didn't like, the old days were good but it didn't stay like that.

OP posts:
Kitty2020 · 08/12/2019 18:23

If he says yes and then does nothing, plan B and I go. If he doesn't do it this time, he never will and I cant waste my life sitting round waiting for it.
It is 4 years since I paid for the extension

You said this in February - so it is nearly 5 years since you have done the extension with zero response from him - how much longer will you wait before you realise it is never going to happen. All the while you are paying bills and no doubt he will push you into a corner about funding the tens of thousands of legal bills to sue to builders.

It has always been like this ... the minute your DM died 7 years ago he hung up his boots - he took a year off work, which YOU funded financially and practically. He has run up more debt and taken your inheritance.

You need to take him to court for financial abuse.

Kitty2020 · 08/12/2019 18:26

Why are you supporting / facilitating / encouraging your son to move in with a GF he has only known since September?

Are you only doing this to get him out of the house so that you can carry on with this ridiculous relationship with less bother?

Original poster
Pinkielove · 08/12/2019 18:50

No I am not, by the time they move in together they will have been together just under 2 years - for the same reason he will be with her for Christmas- I know he will be happier and at the age of nearly 22 I can't keep him here forever

OP posts:
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