Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My partner & my son hate each other

380 replies

Pinkielove · 19/02/2019 13:51

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

OP posts:
Pinkielove · 09/12/2019 10:11

Sorry - correction - didnt read back

The flat is only 4 years old so there is nothing in there that needs replacing or requiring money to be spent on it. The tenant is a snigle lady and she has it like a show home.

OP posts:
MsRomanoff · 09/12/2019 11:13

Why on earth are people thinking that a 22 yo in a 2 yr old relationship , where both are equally able to earn an income should sign away half his capital? This is bonkers! Nothing like the OP’s situation as the gf is not putting her own capital into the flat.

Good job that's not what anyone said, the isnt it.

The flat is only 4 years old so there is nothing in there that needs replacing or requiring money to be spent on it. The tenant is a snigle lady and she has it like a show home.

That's not really the point. As I said, what if in a few years she decides to pursue him and place an interest on the property

They would be best getting something drawn up, for him as well as her. And the no one can say the terms were not made clear.

The girlfriend absolutely has the potential to be in ops position. I would encourage them to get advice.

How many threads are started by women who moved in with a man, got leg ant by accident, gave up work and had another....then claim they had no clue they had no rights over the property?

Popsicle777 · 09/12/2019 15:38

What will you do when the form isn’t signed on Dec 30th?

BumbleBeee69 · 09/12/2019 16:47

I literally cannot believe that he STILL hasn't signed those documents... OP you have been conned out of every penny of your inheritance and he is laughing at you, spinning on a plate to appease him until to does sign, which we all know he never will, why would he? he has all your money, his house in his name only WTF ?! this man has played you like a finely tuned fiddle. and PLEASE FFS do not put that girlfreinds name on that Flat?! Flowers

Popsicle777 · 09/12/2019 18:21

He’s hanging out and keeping her dangling for the next instalment “tens of thousands for court fees” ..... will her £120k loss increase to £150k?

Popsicle777 · 09/12/2019 18:25

And she is going to paint herself into a corner with nowhere to go when she lets her son and his GF live rent free in a flat she owns .... and then the OH kicks her out - so she will be paying market rent with the risk of being moved on every 6 months in retirement whilst she subsidises some random GF and her son to live rent free?

Nuts

twinsizedmattress · 09/12/2019 18:45

You've put this man before your son since he was 12. Hardly surprising your son hates him.

AFairlyHardAvocadoHoHo · 09/12/2019 21:29

You've put this man before your son since he was 12. Hardly surprising your son hates him.

Absolutely. I think she should feel pretty lucky her son still seems to actively like and love her to be honest. Even being protective of her against the man she essentially chose over him. He must have a heart of fucking gold.

Poor bloke, I can't imagine he'll be this forgiving to his mum forever.

I'd imagine in the future when he has his own kids he will be even more angry because he (more than ever) won't be able to understand how on earth his mum could have put a man before her son.

I have no kids yet but I can't understand her doing this at all, I'm sure it hits home even more for most parents.

You aren't going to leave OP. Sunk cost fallacy - you haven't left yet because you'd lose out so much financially. That's only going to get worse and no other reason seems to be enough for you to leave.

Thedeadwood · 09/12/2019 22:29

Have you changed your will yet OP?

TaighNamGastaOrt · 10/12/2019 00:06

What a depressing thread.
I feel so sorry for your son and for you OP. You're so sunk in this house/relationship toxic situation, you cannot see what is staring everyone else in the face. You've been financially abused. and you allow it to continue. You swapped one type of abuse for another and dragged your wee boy along with you.
He shouldn't be fighting your battles. You're the parent, the one in control of your life.
But it doesn't matter. You're not interested in advice, you're there for the long run. Till your partner sells the house and you have nothing, not even your dignity left.
Your son's inheritance is the flat, everything else-the money you put into the CF's house, is NOT worth this abuse.
Please find your selfworth and leave. Flowers

Pinkielove · 10/12/2019 10:12

I cant change my will - I have nothing to leave except cash in the bank. I need the signed document which gives me my portion of the equity, then when that is done I can will that to my son.
I totally agree, I am in this so far that I have to take it to the end, either that or I walk with nothing.
It has never been an intention to put my son's girlfriend's name on the flat, it will be a stop gap for them while they save money - either that or when she finishes unit shes goes back to her parents which is on the far side of the country. My son cannot relocate as he is new in his job and self employed, she is in the 3rd year at uni so neither of them have funds to relocate even if the job situ meant that they could. To me the flat makes sense, she is not some "random" girlfriend but very much a pivotal piece of his life.
I agree I have been stupid, nobody is denying that, does nobody thing of how bad I feel that I have put my son in a position he isnt happy in ? Luckily he has his work, his girlfriend, his mates and he is happy, the hours he and my partner work mean that they are not always in the house at the same time, and the way the house has altered means that everyone can have their own space. His life isnt that bad that he would turn against me, yes he does have a heart of gold, thats the way I have brought him up. I am very proud that I have such a well balanced, honest, kind and caring young man who is an absolute diamond to his girlfreind and vice versa.

OP posts:
merryhouse · 10/12/2019 14:25

THAT IS NOT TRUE!

You can change your will. You don't have to detail everything you own: you can leave "everything of which I die possessed".

At the moment you're DELIBERATELY leaving all that cash in the bank - and all your goods and chattels - to this other man. CHANGE YOUR WILL. Now. Start this minute.

selmabear · 10/12/2019 14:46

OP how could you stay with someone who's jealous of the relationship with your son? If you continue to put this pathetic excuse of a man before of your son then you'll loose your boy.
Face it OP, he won't put your name on the house. And I'm pretty sure you wont get a penny back from your investment in extension but what you can do it tell that idiot you're leaving and apologise to your son for not listening to him!

Thedeadwood · 10/12/2019 14:52

Absolutely everything that merryhouse said. Why would you risk leaving a penny to this arsehole rather than giving all to your son regardless of the house issue.

You are being so strangely obstinate about this.

does nobody thing of how bad I feel that I have put my son in a position he isnt happy in. Weirdly I think most of us seem to “get it” far more than you do, actually.

ThatLibraryMiss · 10/12/2019 14:57

merryhouse, no point. She'll be back in another nine months to say he still hasn't signed and to explain why she hasn't done anything about it.

BumbleBeee69 · 10/12/2019 17:08

FFS is this for real ????

Zofloramummy · 10/12/2019 17:29

That money in the bank, any insurance policy you may have and any other assets (car, jewellery, laptop etc) that will all go to your partner. Plus any sentimental items you may particularly want your son to have.

Change your will.

Pinkielove · 06/03/2022 09:31

I found this the other day - just thought I'd give you all an update.
My name went on the house via a declaration of trust, we split and I got my share.
My son and his partner are still in the flat with their adorable 18 month old daughter - the 3 of them are the lights of my life.
And I have been seeing a new chap for the last 6 months and all is going well.
I just needed courage to bite the bullet and get out - I did take many a beating on here but I did it and not a day too soon.

OP posts:
hardboiledeggs · 06/03/2022 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hardboiledeggs · 06/03/2022 09:38

Just seen this. Good on you OP.

NukesOfHazard · 06/03/2022 09:42

I can’t believe you basically handed him your inheritance!! There’s no way your name will end up on any paperwork. Try it and see.

NukesOfHazard · 06/03/2022 09:43

Sorry just saw the update

Well done, am so glad you ended up on a much happier place. Howe lovely not to have to worry about toxic atmospheres any longer ❤️❤️

Blanca87 · 06/03/2022 10:02

Congratulations what a great update. Flowers

Darbs76 · 06/03/2022 10:06

Yes I was in that situation and I left, my son had to come first

Darbs76 · 06/03/2022 10:07

Just saw your update, so pleased for you