My partner & my son hate each other

[Pinkielove]

To cut a long story short, my son & I were the victims of domestic violence, when he was 12 we left the family home and relocated back to where my Mum lived, hard as my son had only ever known one home, he had friends since nursery days, and despite what had happened, he missed his Dad. I then got together with an old school friend, he too was divorced with a daughter living with her Mum, we moved in with him, my son, settled in school and I have not spoken to my ex since, there is a restraining order. My son is now nearly 21, and he and my partner hate each others guts. There have been arguments galore, my partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter, and my son feels that I have been taken away from him. I try so hard to split my time, but feel that as neither of them speak to each other, not one word, that I am stuck in the middle. Family holidays are out, celebratory meals as they wont be at the same table together, Christmas was a nightmare, and I worry for the future. My partner has no relationship with his family, he fell out with his Mum, Dad and sister and when his Mum died, nobody even told him, my son tells me that my partner is a loser, he cant keep down a full time job, only does consultancy work, his family hate him, his daughter only phones when she wants money, my son has no relationship with him, so what does he have - only me ? And now I am starting to worry - what will happen when my son leaves home ? he wont want to come back - and what about grandchildren, how will I see them other than visiting on my own ? This is not how I saw things and sometimes feel I have swapped one toxic environment for another. Has anyone else ever been in the same situation ? To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved. I feel like one of those women on the holiday love rat programmes where they hand over all they have to a waiter or sunbed man and then end up with nothing, the only difference is that I went into this with my eyes open. Please tell me I haven't been a fool.

partner is jealous of the relationship I have with my son as he doesn't have that with his daughter

At 21, I was prepared to give your DP the benefit of the doubt over your son but This^^ tells me all I need to know as a measure of your DP. I'm afraid your DS is right & you have swapped one toxic environment for another & you need better than this toxic jealous creature in your life or why would your DS understand your choosing your DO over his DF when they both sound just as bad for you.

I have read your whole thread and I knew that your update would be that you are still there. You say you are trapped. You are not trapped you chose to stay.
You have a flat that you can move into. But you choose to stay with an absolutely awful man. Your choice OP no one else's.

The flat isn't big enough for me and my son and his girlfriend - I have put them before myself so they can get on with their lives and my son can be free if him and happy - I am "trapped" until such point as we can get the court case done, the building work rectified and the house sold.

Why exactly would your ‘D’P agree to sell the house?? Right now he is sitting pretty, he hasn’t signed any paperwork agreeing to a share of the equity to you. If you were to leave he could just pack your bags and wave bye. What possible motivation would he have to liquidate the equity and pay you off??

@Pinkielove

At the VERY LEAST write a new will saying "I leave everything of which I die possessed to my son". Sign it in the presence of independent witnesses who also sign. Ring the solicitor to say you have a new will and the one they're holding is superseded.

You can worry about whether that includes your share of a property later. Right now you've left everything you own to this other man. You can always write another one once everything's settled. You know there are no limits on the number of wills you can write, yes? Just make sure they're dated and signed and properly witnessed and it's quite proper.

Presumably you're spending time with solicitors to fight the builders in court? While you're there just get him to sign the thing that was agreed by everyone involved eight months ago.

Then just walk away. Seriously. (or even if he won't)

Use your wages to put down a deposit and first month's rent on a two-bedroom flat, ring up Pickford's and get them to move the furniture you bought, and go.

however

There will always be a however with you, OP, and you will never leave. All through this thread you have come up with excuse after excuse as to why you can't do anything.

I'll wait till after Vegas, I'll wait till the court situation is done with. There'll be something else after that. Since you've mentioned his health, it may well be that.

Your partner has taken you for a ride and you're still a willing passenger.

You are only trapped by your own thoughts.

As for your son, he has lived in a toxic environment with a mother who allows herself to be constantly walked over. I hope he can overcome that and lead a fulfilling life where he doesn't get taken advantage of because that's what he's learnt from you.

@SevenStones ....but hes her world, so that's ok.

I thought you did the extension years ago?

What defects have recently come to light years later? This is just a fictitious delaying tactic.

You have put your fanny gallops over the emotional well-being of your DS.

He will be emotionally damaged by the relationships you have exposed him to for decades.

Either your DS is furious with you (hope so) or he thinks that this is how to live - and he will get rinsed by his DP - make sure you protect that flat.

You have said repeatedly that it was good to get advice on here as all of your friends are emotional - I bet they are !!! If you were my friend I would give you a shake!

We have been seeing solicitors re the extension fifvgfr jast ; years, witness statements, an expert for the survey, plus extra investigation as it appears there is a fault with steel beams which is massive - it all takes time and is costing thousands. We have to win, there is no option. And I have had 2 relationships in the last 35 years so have hardly played fast and loose.
Kitty 2020 - thanks for saying you hope my son is furious with me - very helpful. He and I are so close it's untrue and all we want it's what's best for each other.

Sorry - for the last 4 years

You are not and have not given your son what is best for him or what he wants.

Who is paying the thousands of court fees?

Don’t tell me it’s you?

it all takes time

That's handy!

No wonder your friends are all emotional, they must be tearing their hair out listening to you make all these excuses.

The two relationships in 35 years have both been toxic and you've exposed your son to them for all of his life. I can't begin to imagine the damage that's done to him.

That you were proud of him for standing up for you to a partner who you won't leave just confirms the unhealthy dynamic that exists.

Sorry but you really are stupid.

I have just read this and thought......what the actual fuck!

OP I own my own home and dp lives here. Not a chance would I let him sink 100k plus into it and nor have any protection for his money. It's a shitty thing to do.

He is a shitty man. It's almost a year later and nothing, absolutely nothing has changed. At all. You will continue being in the same position. Until one of you dies. If he dies first, you may find out he has changed his will.

Aside from that, I am actually really uncomfortable with your relationshop with your son. Your adult son shouldn't be your everything. You shouldnt be proud your son had to step into an argument between you and your dp. He doesnt exist to provide you with support and to stand up for you.

It's nice you are close, but it comes across as quite intense as well.

And it's ok saying you will never lose your son. You dont know that. There is a good chance that your choice to just let this situation continue, your choice to make life uncomfortable for your son, your choice to putting everything will all just become too much.

When he has kids of his own, he wont want to be involved in your drama. Imagine how he will feel when you and your partner pass away and his 'step sister's inheritance everything. Its not about money, it's about him knowing mum just sat back and let this happen.

I cannot believe how naive you are OP. You are being shafted and everyone on here trying to help you is completely wasting their breath. You need legal recognition of the 120 and you need it now. And why are you REMOTELY interested in what his will says? Jeez woman...if you split, he could alter his will the next day. You do not understand how to protect yourself, you are with a highly manipulative man, why are you listening?????? Please get the deed sorted and stop waffling on about your 'unreal' relationship with your son. Which is weird.

I am not sure he is highly manipulative.

It sounds like he has been massively clear and not hiding anything. He hasnt had to be, because aside from the flat, op has just given him everything because he has said it.

Wow the knives are out this morning - never thought there would be so much vitriol towards someone who is trying to be a good Mum and right the wrongs. Never mind, I won't post here again, all the last 48 hours has done has made me feel even shittier about myself so I will leave you all to attack someone else. I will take my weak backbone and unhealthy relationship with my son elsewhere.

OP you dont really seem to see anything clearly.

You post about how you have everything together, ducks in row, know what you are doing, wont be putting up with this. And yet you are.

And yes, your son should not have to standing up for you. YOU should have sorted this out. You need to be the one stepping up. You dont see that.

What do you want people to say? You are wanting advice because you are in a shit situation that you chose to put yourself into. Its impacted your son. It still is and will impact him in the future and you are choosing to remain in the situation and will do for a long time, perhaps permanently.

Kids shouldnt have to step in to sort their parents messes.

To add to this, we extended his family home that we had moved into with my inheritance money, yet he is dragging his feet when it comes to putting my name on the paperwork. If anything happens to me, my son will get nothing unless I am named on the house, but every time I mention it, there is a huge "discussion" but nothing ever gets resolved.

If your son handed over his money to a girlfriend he was living with to extend her house and didn’t have his name on the deeds - how would you feel about the g/f dragging her feet....?

I think you should get some counselling asap. You're being led a merry dance and despite 11 pages on here of well intentioned people pointing out what you desperately need to do to protect yourself, your son and your inheritance, for some reason you're failing to taking action. Your self esteem must be utterly through the floor to allow yourself and your son to be treat like this. He may be your world, but you're continually choosing an abusive man over him and at 21 he'll be able to clearly see this. At this point I'd be thinking screw the money, my priority is to protect myself and my relationship with my son. If you can afford trips to Vegas with helicopter trips you can afford to not be homeless and you can afford counselling. Leave this awful man to stew in his own mess, debt and misery. He's dragged you down to the floor and the only way to rebuild your future is to leave, no excuses. Make a plan. For yourself, you still seem hell bent on rescuing this guy and "oh but this and oh but that." Why? You need to ask yourself some serious questions about your motivations here. Why are you not putting yourself or your son first?

Possibly the most selfish self serving posts I’ve come across. In a relationship with someone who you know hates your son, is toxic and alienated his family, steals £1000s and yet you stay??
I hope your son turns his back on you, it’s what you deserve.

Only...

You're not trying to right the wrongs at all. You're making excuses as to why righting wrongs has to wait.

Being a martyr is what you're doing. I must remain trapped, but at least there's hope my son can escape, it just can't be helped, nothing can be done, woe is me.

Why are you posting OP? You don't want advice. Perhaps it's a good idea to step away, you've not listened to any of the sensible things people have said on this thread. Just brushed them off because there are more important things, like not doing anything, to think about.

I don’t understand why you have put your flat in your son’s name when you don’t have a home yourself 😱. You son is 21 and has a whole lifetime to get himself a career and on the property ladder. All very well giving your children some help but not when you don’t have a home yourself.

I put the flat in my sons name to save the risk of it going in the family pot if anything should happen to me or having to leave it to him in my will. It's automatically his with us splitting the rent money. Mum left everything to me and my brother and knew I would make sure that I made allowance for my son, which I have gone. Plus when I bought it I didn't envisage me bring in this situation. We have a provisional court case for mid April re the builders so we need to get that out of the way or the house won't sell and without a sale I don't get my money. Even just getting nominating a joint surveyor and getting his report has taken 6 months, the process is deathly slow.