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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

301 replies

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:27

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 17/02/2019 19:29

Are you married? You alternate between partner/husband. Do you live in the UK?

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:30

Sorry I'm new on Mumsnet. Still trying to wrap my head around the acronyms. Yes, we've been married coming up 10 years. And we live in the U.K

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/02/2019 19:30

I don’t think the problem is leaving everything to your children, but that he has given his sister control over their futures, which then impacts on you so yes I would be mightily pissed off.

AtrociousCircumstance · 17/02/2019 19:31

His sister has a say over the money, not the boys own mother, you? Wow what a fucking slap in the face. I could not come back from that.

Sorry you’re having to absorb this. He is not treating you like a valued life partner. He’s punishing you for something when you have done nothing wrong.

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:33

He's making it out to be a financial thing, saying I shouldn't read into it and brushing it all off. To me it's principle, if he'd said something, it would be slightly easier to stomach! But the lies and the fact that he expected me to just find this out when I needed to?? Eugh :(

OP posts:
newcupcake · 17/02/2019 19:35

Sounds like he is planning on you not being together much longer OP. What a horrible thing for you to find out . Protect yourself and your children and make your own will.

Auntiepatricia · 17/02/2019 19:36

You say you’re married? I don’t think he can disinherit you.

I’d be divorcing him though if he did that to me. Sneaky, spiteful son of a bitch.

AutumnCrow · 17/02/2019 19:37

What a horrible thing for you to find. And he defends it? wow.

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:38

That's what hurts more. The fact he's going against the grain to secure this. I have no intention to challenge his desires, I just wondered what everyone else would think/feel.

OP posts:
Myfoolishboatisleaning · 17/02/2019 19:38

Is it just money? Or is it also a house? Because surely that could easily be challenged on his death anyway.

greendale17 · 17/02/2019 19:38

I would love to hear his side of the story to thjs

GregoryPeckingDuck · 17/02/2019 19:38

If I were to makes will today I would leave everything to my children on trust and make my SIL and BIal trustees. My DH doesn’t need the money but he isn’t great with finances either. It would be the best way to ensure that my children were taken care of. Unless you are a dependant I wouldn’t expect an inheritance.

BumbleBeee69 · 17/02/2019 19:41

Is your DH is resentful of your financial security ? is he bitter OP ?

gambaspilpil · 17/02/2019 19:42

He has left his sister in charge of his estate for his DC and not you the DM of his children and his wife. Sorry but that doesn’t say much for your relationship. Can’t believe your neon so passive..... what are you going to do with your will? In the event you may die before him?

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:42

I didn't expect anything. But what I saw indicated a lack of trust. A lack of transparency and unity. It's the principle not the Money at all. I'm pretty comfortable, I specified that. What I'm looking for is peoples views on the act itself not the financial aspect of it all. Should he not have discussed this with me? Is it a private matter I have no business in?

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 17/02/2019 19:42

How can he leave “everything” to anyone when you’re, er, married? Half of everything belongs to you doesn’t it?Confused

Stuckandsad · 17/02/2019 19:43

Massive cynic here but I would think he was gearing up towards a divorce

Tinkerbell89 · 17/02/2019 19:43

I agree with other posters sounds like he's not fully committed to the marriage. If he won't set up joint accounts and is living rent free in your parents house, maybe he should be paying you rent 😁

I think maybe you need to get your own Will sorted as well and some legal advice on where you stand. I hope this works out for you but I'm sorry he doesn't sound like a supportive husband who's a team player. When you marry you should become one. Well he's only looking out for himself

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:43

Part of my shock comes from the fact that I would never have done this.... and the fact that I have no will, I just assumed my husband would be there if I passed away.

OP posts:
Badwifey · 17/02/2019 19:44

I don't see any problem with it if I'm honest, apart from the fact he didn't speak to you about it.

If you are financially stable without him then it is right that any money of his goes to his sons. I think he chose his sister to administer his choices as she will be neutral as such. Trust administers are usually independent anyway.

Yippeee · 17/02/2019 19:46

Sounds fishy especially as he recently changed it. Also why didn’t he tell you his thoughts?

HavelockVetinari · 17/02/2019 19:46

Wow, that's a serious lack of trust and communication. Why on earth does he think his sister would be a better executor of his wishes than his own bloody wife?? V weird. Tell him you're going to change your own will to cut him out completely, with a friend or sibling as executor/trustee. He'll soon change his tune (although I'd be questioning the relationship TBH).

Bess78 · 17/02/2019 19:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lollypop701 · 17/02/2019 19:47

For me this would be a huge issue, as I’d feel he didn’t trust me to look after our children. He is placing that trust in his sister. Plus he’s been sneaky about it. This would be a deal breaker for me op

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2019 19:48

So..your parents provided the marital home. & they provide financial support too.

That's nice. He can continue keeping all his money to himself can't he? Cushy number hes got there. He's not grateful for it, alas. & I suppose hes discussed you negatively with his sister too, when they were discussing their plan.

I wonder why you married this idiot..? He's no respect for you . But whatever the reason, just make your own will. if

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