Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

[LaDiDa33]

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

What would be his reaction if you told him you planned to do the same?

That's pretty much what I managed to derive from him....

He hasn't told you because he doesn't want you to do the same. He wants all of your assets to himself.

and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures.

He wants his money to go to his children. If he left it to you, you could remarry - and JUST as now, if you died without a will then a huge portion of his estate that he wanted his children to inherit could pass to your new husband.

IF you died and had not made provision for the children then his sister would ensure that his wishes were adhered to. IF you had a massive disagreement with your children when they became adults, then his wishes regarding them could not be put aside by you. IF you became ill and needed care for the rest of your life then his money could not be spent on your care, but would go to your children.

All of this is sensible. You are utterly foolish to rely on trusting anyone where money and the future is concerned - none of us know what lies ahead.

Your parents are wealthy and you have independent means - he is ensuring that his CHILDREN are protected. You should be glad that he is thinking of them.

I suggest that you go and see a good solicitor and draw up your own will - then you will likely see exactly why he has done what he has done, as any good solicitor will run through all these scenarios with you.

I'd still be seeking advice pronto on how to secure my own finances. And rethinking the relationship and accommodation setup. That level of distrust is worrying.

One of the main legal reasons for marriage is something called 'surviving spouse's legal right share'. I know you aren't interested in the money aspect - however I am surprised a Solicitor has drawn up a Will allowing him to 'bequeath' what isn't his to give. A surviving spouse's legal right share , comes before any bequests. So it doesn't matter what his Will said, your portion comes first, all the time you are married.....

My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me

So you and your own family have been savvy with your money/assets to ensure they stay 'within' the family and only benefit you and your dc in the event of a divorce.......he's done the same.
Whilst you and your parents have disguised it as 'helping' he's chosen to not bother mentioning it at all.

A case of the pot calling the kettle black....

This would be a very serious issue in my marriage. He doesn't trust you.

And what is he leaving anyway? What assets does he actually have. It seems to me that because your parents generosity and your own financial independence, he gets to save his money instead of contributing to rent/mortgage/etc.

Is there a bigger issue here? Is it possible that he feels vulnerable because the two of you aren't paying a mortgage. If anything happens you or if you divorce, he won't have any rights to your family home. Even so, appointing his sister is lousy. I couldn't live with someone who distrusted me this much.

It looks like he is planning that you two will not be together in the future.

I'm sorry op but I would see this as a major issues. And yes as mentioned divorce worthy especially as he is t taking it seriously

I don’t think the problem is leaving everything to your children, but that he has given his sister control over their futures, which then impacts on you so yes I would be mightily pissed off.

THIS ^

Does he not trust you you do the best for your children? If he wants to leave his assets to them - fine, but surely you are capable of controlling those assets for their benefit?

And why not discuss it with you?

As PPs have said, huge slap in the face! He has made it clear you are not a team! So from now on he pays you rent, does his own cooking washing etc!! If his finances are nothing to do with you then his smelly undies should be nothing to do with you. I certainly wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed. This is a very bad sign. He is totally dishonest and devious! Like others have said, there would be no coming back from this for me! He is looking out for himself. This would be the beginning of the end for me. It’s NOT about the money it’s about the deviousness and dishonesty.

Key words would be me "telling him". I can't say that I would have been thrilled at the idea, had he been transparent. But I know I would have understood his motivations, provided what happened to his brother. The fact that his sister, mother and father all knew this had happened whilst I was in the dark upsets me. It shows that he thinks of me as an outsider as opposed to direct family... I can't imagine his sister would put a similar will in place without having her husband down as an executor alongside her brother. My DH's Will specifically excludes me from any inheritance or control over anything financial whilst our sons are under 18. I'm starting to think he's had an easy ride with me because we married young and now he has no idea what marriage actually is and what's expected. I needed to hear objective opinions on the issue because he almost convinced me that I have no right being upset over this.

It seems very provocative of him to include your name on the computer file when he has disinherited you. If he had wanted to hide it I'm sure he could have picked something else. I'd be assuming he's got one foot out the door.

But like PP have said, you need to at least get your own will sorted asap. I was advised to look for a solicitor who was a member of STEP when considering Trust Funds and finding how they work. They should hopefully also be able to explain what the practicalities of your husband's sister being the Trustee. From my reading, being a Trustee is more about having the responsibility of managing the Trust than wielding power over the children's lives, but that will obviously depend on the sums involved/type of trust/age they inherit.

So you and your own family have been savvy with your money/assets to ensure they stay 'within' the family and only benefit you and your dc in the event of a divorce.......he's done the same. Whilst you and your parents have disguised it as 'helping' he's chosen to not bother mentioning it at all.

what are you talking about? The parents assets aren't anything to do with their son in law - nor their daughter either- unless they chose to share them. What did you think should happen - the parents should sign over a house otherwise they are being "savvy"? The house is their asset - not their daughter's and not their son in law's. There should be no expectation of that changing. Marriage does come with expectations though.

You're not really being clear here OP.

You're married, so everything that is owned is jointly owned.

You are both the dcs parents, so if one of you dies, custody is not contested.

Are you saying that he's left something to your DCs - outwith your control? How, given you are married? At what age - presumably 18 or more? So, how does this affect you?

Yeah right CantStopMeNow. It's totally normal for people not to inherit til their parents are actually dead. There is no keeping assets separate from the op's partner unless the op will inherit in a trust - not a bad idea, op.

The secrecy is utterly shit and shows his thinking - and he knows it!

He should have spoken to you.

BUT.

He wants his children to benefit and is worried you might make decisions to spend the money in trust for them, which could benefit you and not them.

Put it like this, if eveything went to you, then you remarried, then you died before your new husband without making full provision for your boys, who inherits it all? Your new husband, that’s who. Bog all to your boys. Even worse, your new husbands (potential) children inherit everything off him when he dies.

So, there is potential for your husband’s assets to pass to a complete future stranger.

Please don’t think my above example is pie in the sky, it happens frequently. There is mention of it on MN - MY STEP MOTHER HAS INHERITED ALL OF MY FATHERS ESTATE AND WE GOT NOTHING.

Fir some strange reason, people do not make wills. It especially prudent with life’s new blended families arrangements.

He could have made sure you had a life provision in the will, to live in the house etc, is that not acceptable? Keeps the money for the boys.

In a normal marriage this would have been discussed

When my uncle died he left everything to his children his wife was left with a small amount set up for maintenance of the house and a shop income she wouldn't challenge the will because it's her children 🤷‍♀️

I agree with Patchworkpatty. You as the surviving spouse would not suddenly lose half of the marital assets to your children. The only thing he can leave to anyone other than you are assets that can be legally claimed as his alone. This is usually property bought before the marriage that you have never lived in or an inheritance that has been ring fenced. It doesn't sound like he has either of these so frankly, he has nothing to leave. Normal marital assets would just automatically become yours. I'd be interested if he sought legal advice as it sounds iffy. What assets does he think he is leaving to your dc?

My DH's Will specifically excludes me from any inheritance or control over anything financial whilst our sons are under 18.

So he thinks you cannot be trusted with your children's money. That says it all. I would find it hard to come back from this. And to be honest, how could you trust him again. He could show you a new will, but wills can be changed at any time.

You have every right to be shocked and concerned OP.

He wants his children to benefit and is worried you might make decisions to spend the money in trust for them, which could benefit you and not them.

I would not want to be married to someone where I had a real worry that this might happen - that they might defraud their children for their own benefit.. And I would not want to be married to someone who thought that of me.

to posters not understanding .....in England and Wales at least ...you can leave your stuff to whoever you want. In a divorce, you have to share it with your partner, but if you die, anything you own eg your half of the house (or all the house if it is just in your name), any money in your name only, any insurances, or half anything in a joint account can be left to whoever you like.

Why is he so resentful about your parents helping you out financially? Doesn't that help out your whole family?

I can't get past him wanting to give control of your son's inheritance to his sister. Why? This seems really bizarre. The only reason I can think of is if he doesn't think you'll be together at that point. It sounds like he's planning his future without you in it. I'd be drawing up a will leaving everything you have to your sons and disinheriting him. I can't see why he wouldn't discuss his will with you, if it was innocent.