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Relationships

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Original poster

Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

301 replies

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:27

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

OP posts:

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 17/02/2019 19:58

What an absolute Wanker your dh/ dp is. Please do confirm whether he is your dh or dp, as legally as his wife, he cannot disinherit you as half of your joint asserts belongs to you anyway. Does he intend his sister to have joint custody of your children as well? This is honestly appalling and would be enough to end many relationships. He needs to consider whether he wants to be with you or not! Surely the money could have been put into trust for your two ds’s with you being the person to control their finances and decide what they get to do with their money!

Does he really think that little of you? I would be telling him to go stay with his bloody sister and give her control of his money now if he wishes. You don’t deserve this at all OP! All this because of bitterness that his brothers money didn’t come to his family!

SpanielEars070 · 17/02/2019 19:59

That's a massive betrayal of trust OP.

I don't think I could forgive, and it's the fact that he would have had that sprung on you on the event of his death. That alone is cruel beyond words.

DH and I went to the solicitor to do our wills together, and we both have exactly the same, word for word. There is an unspoken trust between us both that the other would take financial of our DC and grandchildren. Because when you are married, you trust your spouse.

You must be in a state of shock

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 17/02/2019 19:59

Assets not asserts - auto correct fail

Giraffetower · 17/02/2019 20:00

He married you. He should be on your team. He isn't.

I am looking for the good in this, but I can't find it. Deceitful, shitty thing to do.

I would be divorcing him. SO sorry.

Giraffetower · 17/02/2019 20:00

AdaColeman · 17/02/2019 20:02

It sounds as though he has got long term plans which do not include you.
He is also lying by omission, and his level of deceit is extraordinary.

I would divorce him to protect my own finances, especially as he has benefitted so much from your own parent's generosity.

ohfourfoxache · 17/02/2019 20:02

I wouldn’t be able to get over this. It’s not about the money - can you imagine if the worst happened and, in a time of severe, gut wrenching grief, you found this out? I don’t know how he could justify putting you through that

hellenbackagen · 17/02/2019 20:04

I think you're also bank rolling him op.

Short sharp fucking shock required I think.

Leave him. Or more to the point tell him to move out and pay for his own house for the first time in 10 years.

Wanker. More I think about it the more livid I am for you.

He needs a reality check. Big time.

PepsiLola · 17/02/2019 20:05

Tell him he owes your parents 10 years rent and to fuck off

feministfairy · 17/02/2019 20:05

How dreadful OP. No wonder you are shocked. This really is not good in terms of how he views you and your marriage.
It really does seem as if he is not who you think he is? I echo other posters - please get yourself legal advice urgently and take precautions to protect yourself financially. You may well need to think seriously about whether your marriage is viable? His behaviour is both calculating and unkind.

Lightofday · 17/02/2019 20:06

Scary thought: maybe he's planning on bumping u off in a murder suicide and so, knew u wouldn't be around to manage the dosh for the kids. OK I watch one too many horror films xD.

But I concur with everyone else, the issue is he put his sister in charge...and didn't even tell u about the will change. Mad disrespectful. I'd drop his ass (in the ground before he gets me first xD

ZenNudist · 17/02/2019 20:06

solicitor in the morning quick sharp make a will cutting him out.
while youre there get some advice about divorce.

I dont see how you can trust him again now. Even if he changes his will he could change it again when you dont know. Sounds like he's planning for a future without you. I could almost understand willing money to dc not you, i think independent person incharge of trust not awful idea but why oh why not talk it over with you first? Something amiss.

Original poster

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 20:06

Honestly, that's the worst part. Imagining how I would have felt had he actually passed away and I found out organically. I can't look at him the same at the moment and I feel betrayed...

OP posts:

Janethevirgo · 17/02/2019 20:06

It doesn’t sounds as though the sister is getting joint custody, (I don’t think that would even be possible with their mother alive ) only control of their finances .
The deceitfulness of this would be enough for me, going behind your back visiting solicitors etc.

KMoKMo · 17/02/2019 20:06

Sorry OP I don’t think I could come back from this either.
Do you know his financial situation? Is there anything else suspicious or to make you suspect an affair?

Sureyouwill · 17/02/2019 20:07

Assets would be split 50/50, so would that mean your two children would inherit half of your house, but your SIL would be the executor? He's not leaving his half to his sister I presume?
It sounds like he doesn't trust you for some reason.
That would be divorce-worthy to me.
I'd make sure I found out about his assets though too, so that he's not hiding assets.

Original poster

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 20:10

Not sure about an affair... I think it's a knee-jerk reaction (delayed by a year) after his brother's suicide. But still, feels like I've been cheated on somehow.

OP posts:

justthecat · 17/02/2019 20:12

It’s a cowardly thing for him to do,he’s expecting for you to hear that upon his death ( as well as your own grieving)
If he truly believed in what he’s planned why couldn’t he of discussed it with you.
He’s not taken any of your feelings into account and I’d be fuming another family member put into that authority re your dc

sparklefarts · 17/02/2019 20:12

I'm so confused as to how he can give control of his children to someone else if you're still alive?

MistressDeeCee · 17/02/2019 20:13

Tell him he owes your parents 10 years rent and to fuck off

^ Yep

ravenmum · 17/02/2019 20:13

It could just be that he was thinking very generally that a sister is always a sister, whereas a wife often becomes an estranged wife / an ex-wife. He's just seen with his own eyes that the woman his brother presumably once trusted implicitly turned out not to be trustworthy. So now he's making sure that your sons get support from at least one person when he dies - he's spreading the support over more people for safety.

I can see that it could be a hard sell trying to make your partner accept that, though. Possibly easier not to tell.

sparklefarts · 17/02/2019 20:13

But yes, obviously divorce worthy.

I realise I sound dim in my last post. I get this is financial, just I'm naive enough to have just assumed the parent would still have responsibility for children's finances

FrozenMargarita17 · 17/02/2019 20:14

OP are you able to go and see a lawyer ASAP? I feel like you need to protect yourself but also look at a divorce. This kind of behaviour is not what a marriage is about.
If my DH did this, I would be fucking furious.

He's showing you who he is, believe him.

HollowTalk · 17/02/2019 20:14

What form have these "ups and downs" taken?

Janethevirgo · 17/02/2019 20:14

I’m assuming it’s control of the children’s finances sparkle

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