Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

[LaDiDa33]

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

Deeply hurtful. Unfathomable really. That's something you'd do to an ex, not your spouse. It goes completely against the grain.

DH and I have both left our assets direct to the Dc.

It is a situation we are both comfortable with and acknowledges that we have different plans for our retirement. We could both manage independently on our respective halves of the house and modest pensions.

The solicitor was somewhat appalled and insisted that we both put in an explicit clause stating that the lack of provision for the other (named) partner was deliberate, and we were both ok with that clause.

So the naming may be one of those ‘for the avoidance of doubt ‘ things that solicitors do.

But the point is the secrecy and subterfuge.

Nat6999 have your will drawn up by a solicitor. They will be able to advise you on how to do that.

I would ask your dh how he would feel if you drafted a similar will

I wouldn’t. I’d go ahead and make it and then present it to him. Any discussion about how he would feel can fuck off considering what he has done.

Don't know if anyone has mentioned this but aren't wills invalid in the event of a divorce ?

No, they aren’t as many have learned to their cost. But, remarriage will invalidate a will unless that will is made in anticipation of said marriage.

At this stage I would make my own will, yes, but perhaps more importantly I would look carefully into protecting my assets in tne event if a divorce.

Because he had his property before marriage, he could make a case for keeping it. If you inherit from your parents while married... who knows?

Your will is a bit academic if he has waltzed off with half your inheritance in a divorce!

I don’t know, OP, it is possible that he has acted in panic over what happened with his brother, and possibly under heavy influence from his family.

Maybe step sideways from the will for a day or two and then have a serious talk about your relationship, and what you want fit each other, yourselves, your children.

Then even if you feel you can restore your relationship make sure your affairs (financial!) are ship shape!

Havjng wills and plans is the grown up way to be. And best approached calmly. He has done it in the throes of panic and grief and presumably anger at what he saw happen to his Db’s assets. His brother may have died a while ago but the will, probate, disbursements will have taken much longer and be more recent in his memory.

He shouldn’t have done what he has done, I’m not saying that.

I wanted respect and decency and what a horrible way to find out that you don't have that. Whether you once had this is a moot point.
The past is a moot point. The present has given you a rather hot slap in the face and this is dreadful. You must be totally shaken and rattled by all of this, OP.

You need to be totally pragmatic and do as anotheremma suggested: Get your ducks lined up so that he doesn't see a penny of your assets should you die before him. Secure your children's future and disarm your DP so that he can't tamper with their rightful inheritance. Do this first.

As for whether or not you stay in the marriage, that's entirely up to you and what you think is best.

Good luck. I hope you can salvage some peace of mind in the short term. But do everything possible to protect yourself and the children, long-term.

You could also talk to him about postnups with regards to inheritances, they are fairly good these days, and to your parents about ways to ringfence your inheritance

You don't share finances

He seems to see himself as an independent financial unit from you

Are finances currently balanced? Does he pay his share? You could start by paying rent to your parents. They could then invest it in the kids names. One way to get some money redistributed.

I think you need to think strategically here

I don't blame him for wanting his share of money to go directly to his sons and making sure it doesn't go to any new partner of yours and/or any new children of that partnership. It's what my dh and I considered when making our wills.

However, he should have talked this through with you. The fact he hasn't leads to the thinking
He hasn't told you because he doesn't want you to do the same. He wants all of your assets to himself.

So best of both worlds for him and rather sneaky. Put this angle to him and see what he says. At the very least protect you're money for your sons in the same way.

@Nat699 see a solicitor and talk about leaving any estate in trust to your DS with a trustee(s) who will protect his interest. Google Discretionary and other trusts.

There’s some misinformation about wills and divorce here. A will on a decree absolute treats the former spouse as having died at that date. Another way to put it...at decree absolute the former spouse is removed entirely from a will - this includes being a beneficiary, trustee or executor. It is as if they never existed and the rest of the will remains valid. This explains it, and other info about dying intestate:
m.thegazette.co.uk/all-notices/content/321

Even if someone does not have much in the way of an estate, they should still make a will. An example: our sister passed away intestate and we thought left nothing in the way of assets except for some bits and pieces which our mum shared among her siblings as she didn’t need/want anything. A few years later our mum passed away and while going through probate we received a letter from our sister’s pension company along with a cheque. Due to the rules the proceeds from this were added to my mum’s estate, then taxed at 40% before being passed to us.

You really just need to speak to a solicitor who specialises in wills-me and my husband made ours together leaving everything to the other one in the event of our death, BUT also making wills where in the event of me dying first and leaving all to him, then him dying shortly after he leaves everything to a specific person, we did this as he has adult children who he is estranged from (their issue btw) and we didn't want to by default let his ex wife get her hands on what was essentially mine (properties) via his children-which she would. The solicitor said you cannot leave out dependant children but you could leave out adult children and if you both died in an accident for example it would be assumed that the older one of the couple had died first-all of this could change how you intend a will to be executed.

Oh my OP
What a tosser your partner is. You were so supportive of him during his sad time. I'd definitely see a solicitor to see what your options are.
Hasn't he got it cushy- rent free for ten years.

I’m nervous to tell my parents in fear of them disliking him...

LaDiDa, I would not protect a man who was treating me with such contempt. Shine a light on all of this. You need familial and professional support.

You must feel so wounded.

Your husband is a manipulator. When you questioned him, he blocked you and minimized the significance of his actions to make you shut up and back off. This man is not your friend and is up to something.

Protect your assets. He may be gearing up to divorce you and go after them.

Personally, I would divorce this disloyal conniver.

(Sorry that I called you by the wrong name upthread.)

To all those who are explaining the pros and cons of the finances, this is NOT the issue here. his utter deviousness IS. That alone is what OP is hurt about! The merits of the financial arrangements are irrelevant. There can be no misunderstanding or defending what he's done. It is a deliberate act against OP by going behind her back. He didn’t ‘forget’ to tell her, he meticulously planned it, went to a professional, was very specific about his intentions then got it formalised. What goes on under OP’s roof is entirely her business. If it’s going to affect OP’s life then it absolutely is her business. Getting defensive is very ominious. This would be a deal breaker for me. There can be no intimacy when there’s lies and secrecy.

Maybe I'm missing something but isn't he just ensuring that his children are the beneficiaries of his assets in the event of his death as the op is independently wealthy? And his sister is simply the executor of his will? That does not give her control over the children, it just means that she is responsible for ensuring that his assets are distributed as he wished. He has made his sister the trustee of his children's trust. But he may be thinking that his wife (the op) may well die at the same time as him (a car accident or something - it happens).

Needmorespace it is indeed quite normal for someone to make a will like this, especially if the partner has no need of funds. As the OP says though, that is not what this is about. It is about the deception and way he has acted in this

I tried to change my will to leave everything to my children rather than my husband due to our personal circumstances . My solicitor advised me that you are not allowed to exclude your spouse in this way due to spousal support rule. We compromised by leaving money to him and the children. I had to have a supporting letter explaining why I had done this or the will could be contested. Apart from the deviousness of him doing this behind your back I’m pretty sure it’s not allowed.

What a massive cunt he is! He lied to you, he had no intention of telling you the truth, he lied and then tried to twist it back round on you when he got caught out. He's jealous of the financial support you receive, he's a liar and petty. Sorry, but for me I'd tell him he needs to go stay with SIL then whilst I thought if I wanted to continue being married to a liar who went behind my back and cut me off because he's a jealous and petty little twat. I'd tell him this after I saw a solicitor. He'd be gone. He wants her to run the estate he was able to build whilst mooching off your family like a weasel, he can go live with her then. Dickhead.

I did it. My solicitor was fine with it.

I would be furious and don't think I could get passed this level of deception over something so important.
It's totally undermining you that he has given control to his sister!
From an outsider's point of view your marriage looks very weak.

OP I think you should do the same in return. From what I have read he will lose a lot more than you and after his carry on he deserves it. I would make a point of showing him a copy of your will when drawn up. I would be so pissed of after his carry on.

Maybe I'm missing something but isn't he just ensuring that his children are the beneficiaries of his assets in the event of his death as the op is independently wealthy?

If that was his motive, why lie about it? Why not explain to OP so she could do the same with her will?

OP, if you’re still about please think about telling your parents. They might have left him something in their wills and with this in mind they might what to rethink.

It is allowed to leave your spouse out of a Will but they would have a strong claim if they challenged the will and would likely at least get what they would have on a divorce- which is why a pp solicitor was edgy when her and her husband left their estates to their children and not each other. Also doing that is not particularly tax efficient you lose your spousal iht exemption. There are ways of retaining that, protecting your share of the estate for the children and enabling the survivor to have the benefit of the first to dies share during their lifetime. That said what he has done is truly shit op sympathy I would be devastated x

...feels like I’ve been cheated on somehow.

That is because he betrayed you and broke your trust. He is treating you as Less Than, rejecting you as the trustee of your own children’s finances, stripping you of your rightful position, hiding it, and lying about it.

...he almost convinced me that I have no right being upset over this.

He is trying to manipulate and deflect blame back to you by accusing you of being silly and of overreacting.

How close are your children to turning 18?

Regardless, I think the worst thing is he didn't tell you about this - supposedly he'd made this decision over 2 months ago so probably had no intention to ever tell you about it so you'd have only found out if/when he dies..

Seems very cold that he didn't give you financial control on what your children inherit NOR include you in the will in any other way. He should have at least included you somehow considering you're the mother of his two children, married and in a long term relationship with him.. seems very odd...!