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Original poster

Accidentally came across my DP's Will. AIBU by what I saw?

301 replies

LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 19:27

My BIL committed suicide last year leaving everything to his ex-gf who ignored all his cries for help. I was there as my DP and his family mourned and I was nothing but supportive. We've been married 10 years in September but we've had our ups and downs. We've not shared a bank account or expenses because he's always felt that I'm taken care of. My parents are well off and they allowed us to live in one of their houses rent free for the last 10 years and have been helpful financially towards me. This has caused my DP to be funny about keeping all our finances separate. This has always been something that's bothered me, and he keeps saying we'll start a joint bank account soon. The other day I was on his computer with pure intentions, I wasn't snooping but accidentally came across a file with my name and our two sons on it. I looked at it and found it was a recent will, dated December 18 (we were together all that period). Cutting to the chase I discovered my DP had totally disinherited me leaving everything to our sons and giving all control to his sister should he die before our sons are 18. Money isn't my concern at all, it's the concept that my husband decided to do this without so much as a conversation. He lied and told me he was renewing his I.D. whilst actually meeting with his lawyers. I feel really upset over this, like I'm being actively distrusted and being compared to my brother in law's ex. AIBU to feel that this is an irreversible slap in the face? I expressed my feelings to him (because I couldn't hold it in any longer) and he simply said I'm financially set and he wants to secure our sons' futures. The fact that his sister would have control/say in our sons' lives after his passing pisses me off. Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated! I'm confused and hurt.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 17/02/2019 20:45

I think he should have discussed it with you. It sounds like a drastic continuation of your very separate finances, but should have come up.

However, do you realise that he is in a vulnerable position if anything happens to you? if your parents own your home then he could be kicked out. He'd have no rights to stay there. Same if you decided he should leave for any reason.

Sounds like you both need to have a serious conversation about your future (and if you have one), because there's some pretty big issues there and neither of you seem very secure.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 17/02/2019 20:45

I would be terribly hurt by being specifically excluded from either inheritance or any say over the children's finances. It isn't just that he is making his sister a trustee or whatever, it's like he's saying that the children have to be protected from you.

Since he is so determined to minimise your hurt, and dismiss your concerns, I honestly don't know where I would go from here. Is there anyone in your family that you could discuss it with, as much for support as advice?

ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser · 17/02/2019 20:46

There was no need to deny OP the right to support her ds with their financial decisions. He could have stipulated that the money be put in trust for both dc- stipulating that it was not to be spent by OP on anything other than the boys education, although she could support her sons in choosing appropriate use of the funds! What if OP/ her DS wanted to use the funds to go to a private school/ university and the SIL refused, or if the SIL uses the funds to manipulate and control her nephews?

This is unbelievably cruel of your dh to do and I honestly could not see past this! He thought of you in the event of his death and his only concern was to ensure you have no access to his money? He clearly has zero care for your feelings whatsoever- let alone love! He has said himself that you are financially secure/ independent- surely he realises that in that case you do not need his money? Particularly for yourself! Why would you squander his/ your boys money when you have no bloody need of it? The implication in itself is bloody awful!

I would be very careful - your dh has zero care or respect for you. He is happy to be a cock lodger and live off you/ your parents thanks to free housing. Then has used your financial security against you in his own will. This is not a man with you or his dc’s best interests at heart. The fact that he has no intention of financially joining together- makes me think that he has a plan for the future that does not include you.

colditz · 17/02/2019 20:46

He's planning a divorce.

myrtleWilson · 17/02/2019 20:46

But what actually is he passing onto his children OP - you live in your parents house so I presume he doesn't have any other property assets? Does he have savings - I know you said you have separate bank accounts but would you know what those savings looked like? What has he specified re pension (which I know is separate to a will/estate)?

Anything you jointly own would result in 50% of it going to the children but presumably the sister couldn't force a sale?

The sister only has a say as far as the bequests go - not on the boys' lives.

I'm not saying he's acted honourably at all, and you're well within your rights to feel dismayed, displaced and untrusted. I suppose I'm trying (but failing) to find a way to understand his position - in his head is the scale of bequest minor? Or is he likely to be planning a divorce. But yes, the lack of communication is the most hurtful and worrisome aspect.

Skincaresos · 17/02/2019 20:48

Blimey, I'm so sorry for me but I'd be looking to see a divorce lawyer asap. I could just about understand the leaving you out if he'd explained it upfront, but not making you executor is unforgiveable in my eyes. He doesn't trust you, he doesn't respect, that's not a marriage to me

Greensleeves · 17/02/2019 20:50

Sounds like he is "getting his ducks in a row" to me.

I'd start planning your life without him.

MyBaa · 17/02/2019 20:50

I'd be starting divorce proceedings immediately. I just could NOT live with a man like that.

MashedSpud · 17/02/2019 20:51

I’m not liking the fact he kept it secret and he made his sister in charge. Does he think you’re crap with money or something?
Make your own will, leave everything to your boys and don’t include or involve your husband.

Amummyatlast · 17/02/2019 20:55

But slipperywhensparticus, how was your uncle's wife not automatically left all the assets. You can't disinherit your spouse as your spouse 'owns' everything with you. The assets are marital assets. They are owned by both spouses. Their house would be their marital home and the wife would have equal rights to it. Same with their savings. Regardless of whose name is on the account, the law will see everything as being owned 50:50 unless there is some valid reason for it not to be that way (like one spouse brought much more to the marriage and the marriage was very short) so your uncle couldn't leave all the savings other than a small maintenece to the dc.

Sorry, but this is complete rubbish. If you divorce, yes, 50:50 is the starting point, but this does not extend to general ownership of property or what happens on death. If I die, the two accounts we have in joint names would be split 50:50, but I am under no obligation to leave my 50% to DH - I can leave it to whoever I want. The other account that I have in my name are solely mine and, again, I can leave them to whoever I want.

TearingUpMyHeart · 17/02/2019 20:55

Sollyfromsurrey, that is not correct at all

If you write a will, the money goes to whoever you leave it to

You might have the house and car in your name, plus most of the savings. In a divorce, they are seen as shared assets. If you die, they are just yours and go to whoever you named in the will

(Yes, this can be challenged etc)

dragonsfire · 17/02/2019 20:56

It all sounds very weird secretive and he clearly doesn’t trust you.

I couldn’t stay with someone like that - does he have a secret house somewhere you do not know about as well?

You need a frank discussion and trip to the solicitor ASAP!

BWcastle2000 · 17/02/2019 21:01

Sorry OP but your husband either doesn’t trust you or wanted to hurt you at your most vulnerable time. I don’t think it’s just your parents he is resentful of. I couldn’t get past this.

TeacupDrama · 17/02/2019 21:04

generally though there is testatory freedom in England (there is not in Scotland or most other countries in Europe) a will should generally not leave a spouse worse off than in the event of a divorce if it does a challenge is much more likely to succeed

however as the house is your parents property he has no claim on that in the event of a divorce, are you provided for like does he have a works pension with widow benefits

how does he think you are going to feed and clothe your children if you are left no money and then say you get ill or are made redundant? they can't live on fresh air until they are 18

I would name my sister a trustee as well as DH just so there was a second person in case DD was left an orphan

Original poster
LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 21:04

To me, it doesn't matter what he's actually passing on. It's the concept that he went out if his way to exclude me from any benefit or control. I worry that this gives his sister control and involvement in our sons' lives in the future. My DH does have property and savings and has been pre-sorting his inheritance with his parents. So, I assume there is money on the line but I just can't wrap my head around the distrust...

OP posts:
Ditto66 · 17/02/2019 21:05

I'd be heartbroken OP. As you say, in your case it's not about the money, but it is about trust and respect. In what universe does he not believe you would not put your children first. That's in effect what this says - that you can't be trusted to prioritise and protect your own children. I hope that his judgement has been clouded temporarily by grief and that he can see how awful his behaviour has been. Thanks

TearingUpMyHeart · 17/02/2019 21:06

Absolutely!! What he did might make sense ... if you had talked it through and agreed it!! I would get advice about a divorce - I think he might be!

macaroniandpizza · 17/02/2019 21:08

It sounds like hes planning to leave :( why else would he of done what he has. Id be seeking legal advice if i were you

TeacupDrama · 17/02/2019 21:09

he absolutely can't leave day to day care of his children to his sister while his wife is living. you can appoint guardians which SS will generally follow if you should both die but you can't appoint a welfare guardian when they have a living parent who is involved in their lives ( it is different if a biological parent has been absent all their lives)

kateandme · 17/02/2019 21:10

if your married and you die he gets it all.not vice versa and his excuses to not have joint account is to keep you off the money you have apart from that of which you have from your parents.
but I agree with pp bout whether he is deciding to leave sooner.then the money is is in his accounts.yes youd be fine but still imagine if you didn't have your parents!

Original poster
LaDiDa33 · 17/02/2019 21:11

He DID NOT appoint a guardian. Sorry if I've been unclear. He's written a will, names his sons as beneficiaries and his sister as executor whilst specifically naming me to remove any possible benefits or control that would be naturally bequeathed to myself.

OP posts:
GirlOnIt · 17/02/2019 21:12

This would be unforgivable for me and not actually just the lying about it, the leaving you out of his will too.
Ok you're financially ok now, but what if you're not in the future who knows what will happen, he'd be leaving you and the children without when you might need it.

How old are your children? I went to school with someone who had sadly lost both parents, the house and their life insurance was left in trust for their son. Only problem the family who ended up taking him in had hardly anything and a extra child to support. He didn't get to go on school trips etc as they couldn't afford it and yet he had that money sat waiting.
Me and Dp have it so we each get everything if something happens to the other. We trust each other that our Ds will be the others priority. If something sadly happens to use both, we leave 50% in trust for Ds and 50% to the person caring for him, to use as they see fit. My mum firstly or Dp's parents if not. We're trusting them with our child so trusting them with money seems insignificant in relation to our sons life.

I understand in step families so that children from another relationship can be provided for. But I don't understand a committed relationship or marriage if you don't trust the other with money or to look out for your own children's interests.

I wouldn't want to stay married to him if that's how he feels Op. Plus, just think if you end up inheriting from your parents and then divorce he could get half!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 17/02/2019 21:13

I echo what others have said, he is gearing up not to having you in his life. He’s a ruthless bastard isn’t he?

Please get your own legal advice, explain what you have found, see what you can do to ring fence your own assets.

hellenbackagen · 17/02/2019 21:13

God
Love just call his bluff and tell him to move out

See what happens then. Stop funding his current lifestyle. Fuck him off . He has you with this will.
I think he's an absolute cunt.

Take some power back.

GirlOnIt · 17/02/2019 21:15

I don't think it means he's planning on leaving though. The will wouldn't protect his money in divorce just death.

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