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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Debt and my husband have fucked our future

370 replies

Smidgen15 · 15/02/2019 22:57

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

OP posts:
Hiphopopotamous · 16/02/2019 07:46

You earn 56k between you - how do you only have £100 per month left over?
Are you paying extortionate rent/eating out lots/buying lots/having lots of luxuries?

We aren't super frugal and have managed to save £1000 per month on similar salary.

RandomMess · 16/02/2019 07:46

Are you sure you trust your DH to stop spending on shit and take financial responsibility???

Send him overt to money saving expert and get their no frills advice on your current expenditure, make him do the work to sort this mess out.

Original poster
Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 07:47

Soontobe60...

Are you crazy? I didnt know about the 4CC. 3 of them have not been used in over 3 years!!!!! I have my bank account, he has his, he doenst pry into mine, i havent (until now) pried into his. We are adults, and trusted each other in the fact that if we were struggling, we would be upfront and honest with each other!

OP posts:
Original poster
Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 07:52

Yippee - we havent no...

I can take responsibility somewhat that with his OT bringing in around £700 a month, that we were comfortable in affording the meals out etc...

Good lord we have both been shit with money... but had i of known this... ah, i dont know.. im so confused now.

Light, the drone is expensive, he got it from the littlewoods account as he did my camera, he paid camera off pretty quickly then got his drone with the view of paying that off quick too... which he has paid half off.

OP posts:
Iggly · 16/02/2019 07:54

I also don’t think there’s much between £14k and £21k.

I think these extra CCs are the wake up call you need to be honest.

And I doubt it’s all your husband’s fault.

I would look again at your debt management plan, earning potential and reasses. Give yourself 12 months and take it from there.

LightAsTheBreeze · 16/02/2019 07:57

Has he been buying a lot of "hobby" stuff, Hobby stuff can be very expensive, DH's hobbies are cycling, photography and astronomy, all of which you can spend a huge amount of money on if you are not careful and on eBay a lot and it all adds up and you may not have noticed odd bits appearing.

adaline · 16/02/2019 07:58

But you knew about 14k worth of debt and were still happy to spend £700 worth of overtime on things like cameras, drones and other expensive stuff instead of paying off as much debt as possible.

You absolutely cannot blame all this on your husband. You're married - the finances are not his sole responsibility.

Original poster
Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 07:58

Hip, i never knew exactly what he was taking home, the first i knew it was alot (cos of his OT) was in October. But then we had Xmas and then the OT stopped so just presumed things were tight because of that....
We both never knew how dire it was, he didnt even know until all this come to light yesterday and i worked out his incomings and outgoings, it was there we realised without OT, he would have to live off £100.
This has all only been highlighted because of his OT going. We havent overspent since xmas because of this... no eating out, no takeaways...
Our rent is £795 a month. We can move as we have no money too! 😣
Our overspending was mainly eating out, takeaways (we sound like slobs but we aint) and got fuck all to show for it.
Things have already changed on that though... and will have to continue too.

OP posts:
Yippeee · 16/02/2019 08:02

How many times a week were you eating out and getting takeaways? If you are on a joint income of £56k I wouldn’t have thought that was the only overspending.

Travisandthemonkey · 16/02/2019 08:03

Well there is not much point in selling off the drone.

Does your son actually not have a bed? Is he sleeping on the floor?

Original poster
Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 08:04

Adaline,

The 14K was £317 a month (i actually thought for some reason it was £260)
He paid £800 a month into the joint account.
He told me he owed a couple of hundred on his littlewoods (some was mine, maybe £100 of it was mine) and a couple of hundred on very.
With his OT i thought we had this...
So with all that, and him coming out with £2300, why would i think he wasnt handling it..

OP posts:
YippeeKayakOtherBuckets · 16/02/2019 08:07

It’s not an insurmountable amount of debt on your income.

You really do not need to panic.

Buy a notebook and write down everything, all your income and outgoings from the bank and what’s spare after debt repayments and bills. Look at all your direct debits and see if you can lose or change any, switch suppliers etc.

Then track every single individual spend that you both make over the month. See where you can cut down. Log EVERYTHING.

I have bipolar and have run up eyewatering debts before (40k at one point) but I got that paid off within a few years by a bit of clever management and not spending. But you do both need to know what you’re spending on.

Original poster
Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 08:07

Yippee.... at the wkends... we can be quite wasteful with money at the weekends. We could quite easily have a meal to days on the trott... although that wasnt the norm.

Travis, lol, no of course he isnt. He as a toddler bed which as he is nearly 4, is starting to grow out of.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 08:09

All my money goes on is a loan (£160) a month, car insur (£50) joint account (£800) CC from IVF (£150) and food....
I cant spare anymore out of mine... i rarely buy clothes for myself

OP posts:
adaline · 16/02/2019 08:09

But you were also spending money on meals out and takeaways - you should have both sat down months if not years ago and looked at your incomes and figured out what you had spare each month - not just kept on spending because you thought he had it covered (bit of ostrich syndrome there).

£100/month after all spends including debt repayments isn't dreadful. Surely you're both responsible for 14k worth of debt and accounts with various companies that charge stupid amounts of interest - how is that all down to him?

In the future if you can't afford it, don't buy it!

Original poster
Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 08:09

Its clear IVF is a total no no.... ☹

OP posts:
DrMorbius · 16/02/2019 08:10

I hope to god your DP's age was a typo Op, is he really 55?

LifeCasting · 16/02/2019 08:10

Some excellent advice here.

You can’t afford a second child.

Even on £14k of debt.
14k is 14k! That is A LOT to pay back, unless you have a house you can sell or other assets.

Clearly, you need to be concentrating on how to make your money grow, and your debt shrink.
How would you do this if you had a baby? You would haveess to spend on DC1. Not fun.

Babies cost money.
Children, teens, even more.
Your quality of life will diminish.
It will put strain on your marriage.

Please listen!

Travisandthemonkey · 16/02/2019 08:10

And how much is the new bed you want for him?

BatsAreCool · 16/02/2019 08:10

You are both married. This ties you financially together irrespective of having individual accounts. Simply saying you don't pry into each other's accounts and shouldn't is forgetting this important fact.

You need to forget about spending any more money and get all of the debt paid down before taking on anymore. There are some threads over in the money section on here about clearing debts. I don't have any debts but often look at them to get tips and hints and they give good clear sensible advice. I would recommend you go and have a look and join.

I am surprised when the OT stopped you both didn't sit down and look at all the accounts, income and expenditure. Whenever things change (good or bad) we both work out what's what and decide how to manage it and yes we have joint and individual accounts but periodically review what's in all of them.

Original poster
Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 08:14

Adaline
Whilst i agree with some of your comments, it really isnt as black and white.

Had i of known about the other CC's, i would never of even considered the 14K loan...
Believe it or not, but me and hubby are quite independent with out money. He pays his bit into the joint account, i pay mine and what is left is our own business.... if i ever needed more money (rarely) i would borrow it from him and (sometimes) give it back...
So apart from the joint account, ive never had any dealings or business in his account.... we trusted each other...
Well, that is surely going to change. I've told him i have to take charge.

OP posts:
QuitMoaning · 16/02/2019 08:16

Completely agree with @Mummyoflittledragon.

My son is an only child as husband walked out when he was a month old. He is fine and I have a fab relationship with him as he got all my attention. I have never experienced the desire for a child as my son wasn’t planned so can’t empathise with you on this but don’t think it is about your son missing out on a sibling. They are many children without siblings and they are doing fine.
Deal with your husband, the debt and your desire for another child. Your son will be fine as long as you don’t let issues overwhelm you and still have quality time for him.

Xenia · 16/02/2019 08:16

I would start with each of you taking a weekend job - one of you work full time on Saturdays and the other Sundays - unless you already work at weekends. Then if either of you gets home from work at a reasonable time the other could do Uber or Uber Eats or Deliveroo in the evenings to make money too.
Can you get cheaper IVF by sharing the eggs with another family?

Hadalifeonce · 16/02/2019 08:17

Believe me OP, I completely understand how your situation can turn your world upsidedown; how hurt and angry you must feel. BUT to get out of this mess, you both have to sit down and examine every single penny you spend, if it's not essential, you don't spend it. You don't have the weekly takeaways, or go to the pub, you shop for food more wisely, draw up a meal list for the week and only buy the necessary ingredients, no treats (except the odd one for your child, but nothing extravagant). You IVF cannot happen, I'm sorry but you have to concentrate on the child you already have, not get yourselves into further dept for another.
Good luck OP

LIZS · 16/02/2019 08:18

You seem to be overdramatising the impact it has on your ds , either way. How old is he? Can you get a bed off freecycle? What trips are coming up, could you set aside a little money each week towards it or ask family? You both clearly need to tighten spending , essentials only. If you cannot agree on this what sort of situation is this to potentially bring a new baby into, even if you felt you had the means to raise him/her without compromising your ds future. Try CAB in first instance fir advice as to how to tackle this, ask creditors to freeze interest then sort out repayments and a realistic budget. Minimum payments do not address the balance, just some interest which continues to accumulate. Can you ask the clinic to hold your treatment until you feel readier. Maybe counselling would help you handle the previous disappointment as this seems to be adding to the pressure you feel at the moment.