Debt and my husband have fucked our future

[Smidgen15]

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

But thats the reality of it. We are (i hope) now going to put everything in to make our life better but i need to be realistic in the fact that we are never in a position to save 50-60K to put down on a house. Never.

His parents are elderly, his mother doesnt have the best health as such, she had cancer about 3 years ago and that was wht stopped them both working (they are now in their 80's) his mother is now poorly again with a mass in her stomach bit isnt cancer apparently which is good bit other than that they are in good health.
My parents are in their sixties. My dad has completely took advantage of his body to which im not willing to go into so he will be lucky to reach 70.
We are obviously not relying on it as such, if it happens it happens.
But sad to say, thats all we have got.
In the meantime, its save save save.
Im craving wine today (for this evening)
So to divert temptation, im having an early night!!!!

My typos are bad in that last post. Sorry

Make sure your parents and his parents have water tight wills to ensure their money and property etc is left to you. Remember you’ll have to pay inheritance tax too. My mum relied on her parents for inheritance but it ended up being a disaster as both her parents ended up needing full time care unexpectedly (one had a major stroke out of the blue and the other developed very aggressive cancer). The cost of the care was astronomical and had to come from the money in their property, pension and savings. My mum ended up with about 3k inheritance by the end of it all when she had been in line for over 100k before their ill health

Could you look into something like a shared ownership mortgage as you can often be accepted for them with a much smaller 5% deposit. Over time you could then purchase a larger share of the property until you own it outright. I think it would have to be done solely in your name though due to your partner’s age

Just out of sheer noseyness, what is the interest rate on your consolidation loan please?

Ella, wouldnt be possible in solely my name im afraid.

I was hoping to go on that help to buy scheme but i fear hubby will be too old.

Maras, the interest rate was 3.2%

Thank you smidgen
That's very reasonable.
Best of luck in becoming debt free.
I'd still advise browsing the MSE website, it's very helpful and makes you realise that you're not the only person going through this.

I had a look at it last night...
Gonna have a proper look through when hubby goes back to work tomorrow.

I think hubby has had a change..

We just went shopping and you could really see he was thinking about what he was spending.
We then got home and he said we did our food all wrong and was costing more because of it. So we have now agreed to go halves on the monthly food which will save us both money.
Bit of a depressing day today. The realisation of how hard this is going to be. But we know we will both get used to it real quick and reep the benefits when we see actual money in our account.

We has DS old car seats out of the loft, ones we were saving for another baby. Hoping to sell one of them for at least £50 as its one of those maxi cosy swivel chairs.
Sad they are going 😓.
I will be glad to go back to work next week!

Things feel hard because it's the start and you having to actively think about how and what you spend.

However, once you get into the swing of it you will see how throwing lots of little things at the debt can start to make a big difference. That then becomes your motivation to keep going.

Monzo isn't pre-paid anymore; it's a current account with a standard debit card. And overdrafts are being rolled out.

The fact is, i feel i can dictate to him what he spends it on considering he hasnt even filled his car up or got any food for himself...*

You can't, though; because he won't learn that way. He will have a few months of buggering this up, just like a teen would. He'll blow it all in the first fortnight because he thinks you'll soften and then have two broke weeks. He'll budget badly. He'll waste it and wish he hadn't. But that's how you learn to stick to a budget and he needs to do that or he's going to forever overspend and hide things from you; and he's already 55. It has already massively impacted on your lives.

I hope the epiphany doesn't take too long.

I've RTFT and just have a few thoughts. You're on a complete rollercoaster ride this week. Revelations and tears, remorse and plans... it's hard. Debt ruined my first marriage. I remember eBaying stuff and then realising he had used the PayPal credit to treat himself to something nice . It was such a difficult thing. It soured everyone and we were never on the same page.

Anyway, that said...

I'd really recommend YNAB as others have mentioned. It's software to use the envelope method. Some people like to feel the friction of cash but this isn't always realistic.

I also think Dave Ramsey's baby steps are worth learning about. He has a free podcast and a book 'the total money makeover'. It makes really good sense.

I also think you can't really separate finances when you're married. It's like having a room mate. The separate spending money sounds like a good idea though.

You also can't borrow your way out of debt. By consolidating the debt you feel you 'did something' but actually you've borrowed more over a longer period. Your actual liability has increased.

I think you've come a long way in a short period of time, and you're pushing on through it so I wish you all the luck in the world

Thank you.

Its hard to know what was the right thing to do especially as we wanted to protect his credit score.
We borrowed less than he owes (only by 350)
He seems to be getting better each day.
Ive worked out we have made about £800 this week in selling stuff with the potential of another £150 in the pipeline.
To be honest, as hard as that was, that was the easy bit

As for my husband, its hard. Regardless of how much of a part i played in getting into this debt, he still lied to me. Thats upset me and i now cant trust him. Im seeing him in all new lights than i did before and i very much was looking forward to him going to work tonight so i could have some breathing space.
He called from work to say his company are kicking off about OT again, saying they had spent 8K on OT just last month... they clearly have their favs (some guys were still getting regular OT) as hubby hasnt been getting much at all but rather than worry that we are now not going to cover the bills, because we have now put provisions in place and worked out incomings/outgoings, we will worry only that we wont save as much... which obvious, not ideal, but ok.

It might be that it's a case of getting a second job rather than overtime?

I had 3 at one point it was shite. And we had an au pair to make sure it all added up (childcare vs earnings). It was proper shitty sacrifice but only for a year. Kids had a fine time with her but it was so hard for me as a mother to be out of the house so much.

Its not forever though.

Yes the lying is rubbish. But if you can get past it and make a plan together then the quicker it gets resolved. Harbouring resentment sets a rot in a marriage so you need to pick a lane. Either forgive and move on or not. There isn't really a middle ground.

It's something that we never got past though. My x is still rubbish with money.

Yeah, i have a friend who runs a recruitment agency, i messaged her today and she said its really quiet but she will bare my hubby in mind. I dont hold out much hope.
As for me, being any 5 out of 7 rota, its hard to get any additional jobs as im not the typical mon-fri. Id love to do some work at home as i have every night spare.

I will just have to see about how we go. Its only been a week but im hoping we can get past it.
On the upside...
We have barely spent any money this week....
We have sold enough to pay the holiday off, sort our spending money out and a couple of hundred to start our savings fund off.

Hi all

I thought i would give a little update...
A positive one!! Well, ish.

Its been about 6 weeks since the debt came to light and not only are we positively still learning to budget (which im shocked to say, we are sticking too and its changing our view of how we spend out money. But we now have savings!
Its been a long 6-7 weeks.
We sold all our valuable things that we no longer use, like drone, camera, old phones... we now have 3K sitting in the bank, with a view of saving another 1k this month. Its opened our eyes on how much we were spending on things we can show for now.
We havent had 1 meal out/takeaway since January.
So, we have decided to 'try' and get a mortgage in the next year or 2.. or at least save for a deposit. Ive done research into it, as although it wont be easy for us, its not impossible.
In the meantime... i need to try and get my marriage back on track. Its been really tough, ive been pretty mean to my husband as im just so mad (it didnt help that a debt reared a few weeks after i found all this out, one from when he was married some 16 yrs ago, we had the money to pay that off then found out we didnt meed to under statue barred or something)
I need to learn to trust him with money before we sign for any kind of mortgage (if we can get one) but he is doing really well. Probably better than me. But we are sticking to our budget whilst still enjoying a bottle of wine on a saturday.

Oh that's good news

Being in debt is bloody stressful!

I was made bankrupt many years ago when the regime was far harsher. The creditors ( business failure) would not accept £900 per month. During my bankruptcy i paid £300 per month for 3 years. We had plenty to live on. Please explore bankruptcy for your husband. My husband was not bankrupt as he was employed in another sector, we managed perfectly well with his name on the bills.

If we went bankrupt then potentially we could do treatment as by the time i give birth, the bankruptcy would be over

How long does a period of bankruptcy last?

A year.... apparently

But i dont want my husband to go backrupt, we would loose all that we have saved, our car and the chance of ever buying a home for us

The only problem we still face is that althiugh i dont regret the decision not to do treatment... as it was for the best. I do still want another baby 😓