Debt and my husband have fucked our future

[Smidgen15]

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

*Here we go.....

There is always one isnt there...*

What, someone with a sensible head providing a glimpse of reality and not just showering you with pity and telling you what you want to hear?

It might sound brutal, but that's only because nobody else has said it to you.

I hope, he genuinely, you find a way out of this mess and can continue with your plans.

But there needs to be asome massive head wobbling going on, 95% your husband but you can't be excluded too.

You knew of 14k of debt, a desire to have a second child, with all the normal additional financial responsibilities that brings with it (aforementioned beds etc), unfortunately with treatment etc additional costs too, yet you have an expensive camera, 2 cars (one on HP). A fucking drone (not paid off yet) I feel alien that if I can't afford something I either don't have it or I save until I can.

You need to cut those cards up, sell that shit and live on basics to pay down those debts like, well, I thought most people would rather than just hitting the bankruptcy reset button.

An IVA is usually for people who have assets that they would otherwise lose if they went bankrupt. I think you have to have some assets to go on an IVA (not an expert at all). You are right that interest on a DMP is only frozen with the creditor’s agreement. A lot depends on who the creditor is but most will

Please try CAP before going onto an IVA which you cannot sustain and would tear your life apart.

CAP stands fit Christians Against Poverty but don’t be put off by the religious element! I used them when stbxh left me whilst I was on maternity leave with our baby, the remains from his gambling habit and an unexpected illness which has gone on to completely tear my life apart with the prognosis and symptoms... in the space of a few months my whole life fell apart, and I had no idea how to get out of it, swimming harder to sink quicker seemed my only future.

I found out he’d taken out a total of over £20k in unsecured, high interest loans, in joint names or my name.

It was awful. If it hadn’t been for DS I honestly think I might have considered tipping myself as a viable option.

But then CAP worked wonders and I got through it. Debt free in 2.5 yrs. and they actually increased my standard of living as they refuse to make people live in ‘unliveable’ conditions as they try and pay back debt. They say that’s the way people fail, as its not sustainable. Someone came and worked out a budget with me, and working out from there what I could pay back, and then went to the debt owners to renegotiate new loan repayment agreements. They secured better terms than any individual person on their own could, and they scrap interest as part of their new deals ‘as standard’ they told me, thank god!

Anyway, my future was SO much less bleak than I ever thought it could be. They gave me my life back, and my future. They don’t have a ‘one size fits all’ process and they take the time to sort your problems out in a way that helps you and your situation alone. I’d steer well clear of any cookie cutter advice, and anybody telling you that the only way forwards is to get slapped with an IVA etc. I didn’t end up doing that...

Please please get in contact with them, or an organisation like them, as you sound desperate, and these types of people are experts at helping.

I would not be here if I hadn’t have got the help I did. I thought my whole life had been ruined, but honestly it was the best thing that happened getting CAP involved, I wish I’d known how much help they could be before, I struggled for so long.

Good luck, I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation.

Jesus you’re in 21k of debt. Do not do an iva. Do not go bankrupt.
You though you could go through ivf and have a nice life for your kid with 14k of debt. You’re only 6k more than that.

I’m not saying what he hasn’t done isn’t awful but don’t catastrophise things.

Do you work? What are your joint incomes? What can you cut back on?
What are your min payments (this might have to do for the next year or two)

If you can overpay then do. But all this “my child will never have a sibling” is crazy if you say when you thought he was only in 6k less of debt then you could have an extra child and give your current child a happy life.
6k of cc is about £100 p/m of debt more.
Which I understand for a lot is horrendous, but op already thought she could deal with 14k of debt with no problem.

Jesus if it means he has to get a job in a bar 3 nights a week, then so be it.
But really you need to calm down

I second PP's suggestion of CAP . CAP are actively promoting their debt advice service to help people in your position. They will also probably be able to point you in the direction of local organisations/charities who can help families in genuine need with essential household furniture such as a bed for your DS. Contact your local Children's Centre too, they are a good source of information for help available in your local area. Good luck.

I'm not sure how you were planning to cope with one wage after you'd had the baby OP? A short maternity leave and straight back to full time work? Do you have free childcare from relatives?

It’s OK, your son doesn’t really want a sibling:

www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-6704653/Older-brothers-really-biggest-bullies.html

Please join Bailifs debts & bills on Facebook they will give you really good advice. Avoid step change, Iva, dro, bankruptcy & CAB advice.

Good luck

His credit cards are none of your concern OP, get a bloody grip!

There is always one isn’t there

Well I’m another one who can’t quite see that 14k debt is ok, but 21k is the end of the world. He hasn’t spent on them for three years so it’s not an ongoing problem he has in effect with current out of control spending, just more money you’ll need to pay back in the long term.

I’d continue with the ivf I think if time is running out that you’ll never get back, and get a strict budget in place to control your financial life.

I agree. Have the IVF. Bring the baby into poverty, as you say. The poverty can be fixed but you'll always regret not having the baby is you could have had one.
Feel the shock and pain, then regroup, and plan, plan, plan.
And don't catastrophise about school trips etc - you'll manage.

So it’s only 7k you didn’t know about? And he’s been happily making minimum payments and no new spending.
On a day to day basis, nothing has really changed because you know about it, has it? The factor that is new, and that would have to be dealt with anyway, is the loss of income from losing the overtime.
It’s not the debt that is causing the change in circumstances but the lack of OT. So he can go get a second job to replace the OT he isn’t getting now. Nothing else has changed.
(I’m not advocating go ahead, but I don’t understand why it’s the amount of debt that is stopping you - when you have been aware of your lack of money and that the OT has been carrying you for three years...)
14k, 21k - it’s the same payment it has been for the last three years. Time to get rid of the expensive toys and live within your means.
I’m afraid I don’t understand the hysteria about the bed. There are plenty of beds available second hand or free cycle. And most schools have a policy that children don’t miss trips because their parents can’t pay - there is usually a way the school will cover.
Embrace frugality, declutter all the eBay shit and make a few bob, and get a plan for bringing down your debt.

And he’s been happily making minimum payments and no new spending.

No new spending on the 3 credit cards, but it sounds like there has been a lot of spending on the other card.

I guess to live within their means and pay off the debts is going to hit them very hard.

This isn't just your problem, OP. He needs to grow up and start living within his means. No more boy toys or spending on random crap. If you can't get hime on board with that, I'd honestly split up with him. He'll just drag you and your son down with his financial irresponsibility.

I'm guessing the problem is the OP didn't realise how much they were overspending. If you are earning 1,000 pounds a month but living off 2,000 pounds a month and putting the deficit on a credit card, that's a big shock, especially if your rent is 800 pounds.

It's easy to see how it's not just the debt that's the problem.

OP, with respect, and I hope.I don't annoy you by saying this., this is not the end of the world. I think you are in danger of over thinking this. For your own sanity, don't think too much in the future and focus on the here and now.
From what I understand DMP focus on your situation and even take into account money for days out, pocket money for kids etc. I think one of their criteria is that kids shouldn't suffer.
I don't know what is the best decision re another child but I don't think that your life is ruined by this. I suggest giving him a hard talking to, draw a budget with the DMP people writing into it space to live and then remove cards etc from him. Good luck!

Have this ivf cycle you may regret it if you don't.
But do so knowing that your dh is financially illiterate and deceitful. Yes deceitful. Buying on ebay in secret. Spending on a 4th card in secret. Getting you into £7k more debt in secret.

I had a DMP with stepchange for a similar amount of debt (22k) and all my interest got frozen. creditors can add interest but I think it’s very rare for them to do that now after the government have clamped down on companies not helping their clients out who are crippled financially

can he get a second job? bar work one eve a week or supermarket?

I would carry on with the IVF - you may regret it forever if you don’t give it another shot! In terms of the debt I agree with what others are saying. £7k is horrifyingly easy to rack up on day to day expenses if income is short and a large proportion of your income is going on repaying existing debts. Your partner is asking you to solve this for him - so I think in future you should be the one to control your budget and make financial decisions - one of you needs to be responsible as burying your heads in the sand will make things worse. In terms of your little boys new bed, I would suggest asking around or asking family to contribute instead of buying bday presents (they may still get him token gifts to unwrap as well). I know this is a worrying time for you but these problems are not insurmountable and many of us are in the same boat. Hugs x

I don’t think it’s the end of the world BUT will your h change his spending habits? All the eBay shit has to stop.

People don’t have children to give a sibling to their child. They have children because they want to enrich and add to their family.

Your ds not having a sibling really isn’t the end of the world. He is at school already I assume. A sibling at this age will probably be more of an annoyance especially if you equate having the baby to him not being able to have / do things.

My dd is an only child. She was an ivf baby. I was unable to have more for health reasons. She pleaded for a sibling and would have been a fab older sister. It really hit home to her it would never happen when I had a hysterectomy last year. She’s 10 now and can finally see the benefit of being an only.

The grief and turmoil that you are experiencing has very little to do with your ds. It is about your desire to have a child and you’re projecting this onto your ds. That’s not fair on him.

No one can tell you whether or not to have the treatment. It’s a really difficult situation. The issue here is that you have an untrustworthy partner and whether you want to bring a child into this world with him. For this betrayal may yet end your relationship.

Are you prepared to be a pregnant single mother, whose ex cannot give her any money?

I don't think it is helpful to introduce more cost and uncertainty when you have a lot of debt to deal with and your DH has not yet changed his behaviours (this takes time!!). The child that matters is the one you already have. Your son is entitled to safe and stable home and to NOT live in poverty. That is far more important than a sibling.

Big girl pants on. Sometimes we don't get to make the choices or have the families we'd like. We have to deal with the situation in front of us. The debt is manageable and solvable but it is irresponsible to add another child to the mix here.

Taking a different angle, I was effectively an only child, my good friend is, as are two of DD's good friends. Its not the end of the world. In some ways it's a bonus.

My friend and I have great relationships with our parents and had all kinds of opportunities that we wouldn't have done if we'd had siblings. My DH was bullied by his older brother as children. (It only stopped when he grew bigger than his brother!). They aren't in touch now.

You may end up spending all that on another round of IVF, have even more debt and still not get pregnant. But you do have your DC that you can give the best life possible to.