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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Debt and my husband have fucked our future

370 replies

Smidgen15 · 15/02/2019 22:57

Hi All

Im heartbroken

I found out this morning that my husband had 4 secret credit cards....
I knew of some debt but not any of this.

We are supposed to be starting IVF (for a sibling for my DS) in 2weeks.

I feel robbed of potentially owning a house, my son has been robbed of a sibling.

I cant eat or sleep. Im mess

OP posts:
Bess78 · 16/02/2019 06:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Robin2323 · 16/02/2019 06:47

Take over looking after all the money until you re out of debt.

Get help from CAP
Learn basic budgeting
Live within your means.
Forget ivf until the debt is gone.

Find out 'why' your dp needs to spend money he doesn't have on 'shit'.
Get him counselling if necessary.
He's needs to grow up and be responsible.
This was a deal breaker for me - left before any real debt occurred.

Cherish your son.
My mum was a only child and had loads of friends and was very happy.
Make a plan.
Stick to it.
Count your blessings!

WrenNatsworthy · 16/02/2019 06:51

Debt doesn't have to ruin your life.
Get yourself on a debt management plan. I did it 7 years ago and self managed as I only had 4 creditors. 6 years on DH and I can now have a joint account again, and I can get credit again too.
National Debtline were amazing, I spoke to someone who helped me realise that the world wasn't going to end.
There are lots of templates for letters etc.
Now it's all come out into the open you and your partner need to look at the reality of the situation and make a plan.

WrenNatsworthy · 16/02/2019 06:53

Sorry for the confusion - it was 6 years after implementing the debt management plan that my credit file was clear.

Springwalk · 16/02/2019 06:54

Op unless he has an eBay addiction and you can see that he has spent a fortune on there, then what you actually describe is a family living well beyond their means for a very long time.
Your dh has been too afraid to tell you this, but this isn’t his fault op. If he has simply been trying to pay the bills and get by, and not being frivolous then this is entirely different. Given the IVF and your desperation for another child it is possible he couldn’t bring himself to tell you.

I would wait a year or two, get the debts under control and then continue with IVF. It doesn’t matter that dh will be older than you would like etc etc. Bringing a baby into a stressful financially fraught environment is not ideal. Take your time, cut back, maybe dh can get a second job and then go for IVF.

Springwalk · 16/02/2019 06:56

I second enjoying the child you have too. Such a blessing. He doesn’t need a sibling to be happy op 💐

LoubyLou1234 · 16/02/2019 06:58

Check out money saving expert debt boards really knowledgable non judgemental people.

Sorry you are going through this and he is crying! That would make me more mad tbh, he has gotten you into this he should be helping get you out.

Hollowvictory · 16/02/2019 07:00

Crying but not selling the drone and all the other rubbish. He does sound hopeless.

Mrscog · 16/02/2019 07:05

7k more of debt isn’t such a big deal - especially as he’s been making the minimum payments - he needs to pick the highest interest one and throw everything at that - I would reconsider the relationship if he wasn’t willing to sell stuff. Does the ivf really have to happen now? Can you not wait 6 months?

I understand your feelings of shock and betrayal but I think you’re overthinking.

Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 07:18

Thanks for all the advice.

We both work full time. If we had another baby, childcare wouldnt be much of an issue as my mum is retiring and said she will have the baby, if i had another. I would still have to pay, but not an expensive amount. The car payments end in November giving us an extra £300 a month which i was going to use on the CC if we were to use them on IVF. If i got pregnant, it would prolong the CC payments for however long i was on maternity.

I need to add that as we would be putting the IVF treatment on a CC, this would take our debt to 24K. 24K!!!!

The only option with this is too max out on of the cards, try and keep afloat until end of May then go on DMP with running the risk that the one we have just maxed out with get the arse and whack on the interest.
It all just sounds like a no goer.

Hubby has just finished work so i spoke to him. He is completely against and refuses to sell the car. Reasons are because its still on HP, if we buy an old car for less than £1000, we would need to spend money on it, initially and for the upkeep. The car we have is only a astra so we wouldnt get huge amounts, perhaps 3K. Cant go down to 1 car. So i get his reasons.

I told him we had to sell the drone and camera. Im so mad that all im getting is resistance. Ive told him its not negotiable.
He couldnt argue with my points that DS needed a bed which could be paid for by a good camera i rarely use and a drone he only uses ones a month, if that!

As for the bed, many of you probably think im being over dramtic, but the way i see it, if i cant afford the bed my son wants, how can i afford another child.

It is looking like an IVA isnt the best option. Either a DMP or bankruptcy. The lady at CAB said we earn too much to go bankrupt. Hubby earns 32, i earn 24. But after googling it alot, even on the CAB website, it doesnt mention about earning too much.

I finally got to sleep at 1am knowing where we were going with this, and i woke at 6, back to being confused.

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 16/02/2019 07:20

No to the IVF. And I agree with the pp who said you have to take a little responsibility for this. Apart from the eBay purchases, you have all been living beyond your means.

14k of credit card would terrify me just as much 21k would. I certainly wouldn’t think about increasing my family.

CloudyTuesday · 16/02/2019 07:23

"He says he didnt want to tell me cos he was scared too.. at one point he thought he could sort it but i had to change jobs and take a lower wage which put more pressure on him."

I feel quite sorry for him actually. He has been managing the £14k of historic debt with no spending on those cards for three years.

But the additional £7k has built up over three years due to you changing jobs, and him losing his overtime. It represents a monthly overspend of about £200 a month, which is quite easily done really and doesn't suggest a lavish lifestyle particularly.

If all you have is a drone, a camera and two cars (one on pcp, one on last legs) you do not sound like reckless spenders.

It is not the time to add £2400 ivf treatment to the debt, take maternity leave or increase your monthly outgoings with a baby.

But I don't think it would have been sensible to do that when you thought the debt was £14k either.

If it was me I'd be consolidating the debt, making a single monthly payment that was sensible, and looking for ways to increase the household income by that £200pm - getting rid of car on pcp if viable to do so, looking for a new job, looking for a second job, considering a cheaper rental property.

But do it together, without blame. He has been living with the stress you now feel for years, scared to tell you and trying to sort it. It sounds like you didn't ask too many questions about the £14k, query the monthly impact of you taking a lower paid job or look too closely at your joint monthly income/expenditure. It's time to pull together now, with a view to considering ivf in a few years when the landscape looks a little better I think.

CloudyTuesday · 16/02/2019 07:26

X posted op.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 16/02/2019 07:29

I think you should forget the IVF, not only is it more debt but another child to support and all the expense that goes with it. The success rate isn’t brilliant either.

Your DH sounds irresponsible and he now needs to get a grip and take responsibility for clearing this debt and sorting out the repayment plan, I fail to see why you should have to sort out selling things, he should.

Do you need two cars? His may not be worth much but the running costs are expensive, you said he works nights so do you actually need both?

Maybe the OT will be back on soon when the better weather comes, lots of industry is quiet at this time.

Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 07:29

I deffo could be accused of over thinking, it is one of my faults but id rather over think this, than just jump right in.

Some of this is because the lifestlye we have continued to lead, but 3 of these CC are from over 3 years ago. He has had 3 years to tell me... even when we decided to go again on IVF, before the IVF was even being considered even! Im not entirely blaming husband, i knew about the 14K.
Well, with that said. He only consoldidated his loan in April last year to pay off his CC (the only one i thought he had) and his repayments would drop... i made him promise not to use that CC again... well, here we are! Along with another 3 CC... so if i was to blame husband, i do think its justified.
I know i would live with regret, i really will, but isnt that just one of those sacrifices mums have to take?

OP posts:
peachgreen · 16/02/2019 07:30

@CloudyTuesday You feel sorry for him? When he's been concealing debt and continuing to run up more by buying stuff on eBay? Christ. I agree OP has been incredibly naive and made the situation worse - she should have asked more questions about the debt and insisted on having a clearer picture, but he's been lying to her and making the situation worse. Nothing to feel sorry for.

OP, your DH is a dick. Personally, concealed debt would be the end of my marriage. I certainly wouldn't be considering having another child with someone who had continually lied to me and was now refusing to take action to manage it. Of course you should go down to one car. Of course you should sell the bloody drone. You should both be doing everything you can to get this debt under control and cleared. I don't understand why he's not supporting you in this.

Hollowvictory · 16/02/2019 07:32

Ah OK I thought you'd paid in advance for the ivf. So as you haven't and it would add to your debts, don't proceed.

slipperywhensparticus · 16/02/2019 07:32

You can ring the credit cards yourself ask them to freeze the interest the historic ones probably will as he has been paying minimum payments anyway

Mrscog · 16/02/2019 07:33

I think you need to adjust your expectations - a child’s bed can be picked up 2nd hand for £50, not the price of an expensive camera.

If you had a big clear out of expensive stuff and other stuff you might make 1k - if you paid this off the most expensive card and carried on paying the amount of the current minimum payment (not the minimum payment after you’ve cleared 1k) then you would blast through the extra debt in no time. Don’t get hung up on the cars - you can do this with some financial education, a big eBay clear out and a few lifestyle adjustments.

Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 07:39

Cloudy

Its only additional of 3K thats been built up (thats since April) the rest of the 7 is old CC from 3+ years ago.
You say i havent asked the questions... why should i? He is a 55 year old man/father... surely he has a no button. But on this, as i said in my previous post (since you posted) i got him to consolidate his loan and CC to bring his monthly payments down.... so if we were struggling further, he should have said. The 3CC were a secret from me, he clearly didnt want me to know... and foolishly for me to trust my husband, but i did

Maybe - we need to cars, as school isnt walking distance and work is 7 miles away.
The only thing that is keeping us doing the IVF is regret, which i feel is pretty selfish... lots of people live with regret everyday dont they?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 16/02/2019 07:41

Op, has he spent on the CC on things just for himself that you don't know about, such as gambling? Or general living expenses? Why didn't you know what all your income was going on?
We have a joint account and I know where every single penny goes. Yes, I guess my dh could get a cc secretly, but I'd see the payments on that card if he did. When one person in a relationship complains about the other person getting them into debt, and they didn't know anything about it, what they are actually saying is that they haven't bothered to take responsibility for their own financial affairs.
As for the IVF, that is totally a non starter. If you total up the full cost, initial payment, interest until that is paid off, costs associated with pregnancy, loss of income during maternity leave, then you're talking about 20k! At least!
And regarding getting your soon to retire mother to be a cheap childcare provider, don't bank on that. I look after my GS only 1 day a week and it's exhausting!

greendale17 · 16/02/2019 07:41

We have been living a lifestyle that apparently we couldnt afford... odd meal, drinks etc... news to me!

^So you never realised your lifestyle was not sustainable????

Yippeee · 16/02/2019 07:42

Tbf jointly you make a decent wage. Do you budget and keep an eye on your outgoings?

LightAsTheBreeze · 16/02/2019 07:44

Is the drone an expensive one, or a 50 quid one, if an expensive one , did you not think it odd that this expensive drone appeared when you already had debt to clear.

You seem to have a reasonable income (56k) for a family with one child, is your rent particularly high.

Smidgen15 · 16/02/2019 07:44

As ive said.. it was me that consolidated his loan and CC to help lower his monthly outgoing... im not sure what else i could have done... at any point he should have told me!

I will say hubby hasnt recked up debt for ebay... he has just continued to buy crap on there (around £50 per month) from his current account. Nothing from his CC.
Hubby isnt a bad man, he has just made some pretty shit choices.

OP posts: